- Mark Christopher: You know I've forgotten what seventeen year old emotional kids are like. I've been going out with middle-aged women; twenty, twenty-one.
- Maude Snodgrass: Your husband's better than crazy, he's a writer. And you'll be just another story to him, Susie, unless you love him enough to stay and put the ending on it. Don't let the senator's daughter write the fade-out.
- Mark Christopher: Now every law has a loop-hole. What can we do, Harvey? She's a nice kid.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: You and Isabella can adopt her, if you don't tell Isabella.
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: Just a simple little annulment, Susan. And since you and Mark aren't really married...
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: But we are married. We drove to Las Vegas and came back with a wedding license.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: You're lucky. Usually people don't come back with anything.
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: [Interrupred by Mark during a session at his psyciatrist] Do forgive me if I don't stand up, but this couch costs me fifty bucks an hour.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: But as a very wise child bride pointed out: who needs me around here? I'm too old for college and too young for charity. That leaves the navy.
- Mark Christopher: Deserter.
- The Oscar: Well, that's Hollywood. A couple of years ago I'm one of the stars at the Academy Awards. Now I'm a wide-screen nutcracker.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Leave me alone! Let me go!
- Maude Snodgrass: *After* I've talked to you like a mother.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: What do *you* know about motherhood?
- Maude Snodgrass: I happened to have typed the script to 'Stella Dallas.'
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: And thank you for the whistle, too, even if you didn't mean it.
- Mark Christopher: I meant every pucker.
- Mark Christopher: How would you like your daughter to spend the next six months in jail with hardened criminals?
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: Hmm, might do her good.
- Maude Snodgrass: This stinks! The more I type the more I wonder if he could ever write.
- Georgette, Mark's Maid: Now, Miss Maude, you know Mr. Mark can write. Didn't he just write a hit for Jane Russell?
- Maude Snodgrass: His story is *not* what made that picture a hit.
- Sergeant Sam Hanlon: When I was working at the studio, Mark used to talk about an idea he had for a serious story about a juvenile delinquent. Said he'd like to talk to some of these 16, 17 year old kids we picked up. Well, I'll go down and get his present. We got her handcuffed to the steering wheel.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Hey, woman of distinction, I thought you gave up drinking?
- Maude Snodgrass: I only say that when I'm loaded. When I sober up, I come to my senses and get loaded.
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: So, she's a juvenile delinquent. No folks. No relatives. The State's gonna keep her locked up until she's old enough the drink what's *in* the beer bottle.
- Mark Christopher: You get so dramatic about everything. You ought to be an actress.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: I am an actress!
- Mark Christopher: I loved you in "The Outlaw."
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: I never played that part.
- Mark Christopher: No you didn't.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You mean you let a girl keep you from sleeping?
- Mark Christopher: It's been the policy of our firm for a great many years.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Didn't you have a date?
- Mark Christopher: Yeah, going to see a girlfriend of mine. For some reason, I'm late.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: She's broadminded, isn't she? You bringing another woman along, I mean.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Hey, here's your name! "By Mark Christopher". You wrote "The Gob and the Geisha Girl"? You wrote this? I got this from a lending library. That part about the crazy singer and that sexy nurse, when he was in that crazy hospital - crazy!
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Then I was in a musical comedy in high school. I met a composer that had ulterior motives on me.
- Mark Christopher: Now, why can't I think of plots like that?
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You talk like a writer.
- Mark Christopher: I just don't write like a writer.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You don't look like a writer.
- Mark Christopher: That's because I've done so much writing.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Let's forget you're a man and I'm a woman.
- Mark Christopher: Okay. You be the man. I'll be the woman.
- Mark Christopher: I thought you'd gone to bed.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: I'm afraid to go to bed.
- Mark Christopher: Well what are you afraid of?
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: I'm afraid I'll fall asleep.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: [Mark dealing cards for a game of gin rummy] What'll we play for?
- Mark Christopher: We'll just play.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Why don't we play for who gets the bedroom and who sleeps out here?
- Mark Christopher: All right.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: What if it's a tie?
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You're a man, aren't you?
- Mark Christopher: There's a nasty rumor to that affect, yes.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You know, I'd like to get a dye job and a facial like hers.
- Mark Christopher: Isabella's a natural blonde.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You sure?
- Mark Christopher: We're very good friends.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Imagine, me in a mink. You know, Mr. Christopher, some girls will do anything for a mink.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Any judge who starts handing out 17 year old chicks to 35 year old bachelors will become President next election. Of course, you could fool a court by marrying the girl, supporting her on what you haven't got.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Take a lot of coffee, don't ya?
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: Only black. It's the cream and sugar that hurts you.
- Mark Christopher: Hello there.
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: Hi.
- Mark Christopher: I don't think we've met.
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: That's because you never saw me before.
- Isabella Alexander: [snidely] My father is Senator Rufus D. Alexander.
- Sergeant Sam Hanlon: You'll still have to leave.
- Isabella Alexander: You'll have to carry me out.
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: Hold my cheese sandwich.
- [hands it to Susan]
- Isabella Alexander: The Senator will have you broken!
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: Ha! A Democrat. He's got his own troubles.
- [picks up Isabella on his shoulder and carries her out of the bedroom]
- Isabella Alexander: Enough of this! Put me down!
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: I can't hear ya lady, I've got flat feet.
- [opens apartment door, Virgil enters]
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Isabella, what are you doing up there?
- Isabella Alexander: Wishing I were a Republican!
- Maude Snodgrass: Here's to ya, Junior.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Don't call me Junior! Or, I'll cancel your mamba lessons at Arthur Murray's.
- Mark Christopher: Yeah, I want to get you drunk. Loaded! Pie-eyed! Stinkin'! Tight as a hoot owl! High as a kite! Blind as a bat!
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: I don't know any men your age, but, they're probably just as bad as any man my age.
- Mark Christopher: Stop acting like a lawyer. Use your brain. What about vagrancy?
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: It's all right - for those who like it.
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: Remember you guys, she's underage. Lay one hand on her and that's all brother.
- Maude Snodgrass: I despise all gorgeous women with gorgeous figures, especially when they're gorgeous.
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: He can't be serious.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Oh, he's serious and he'll convince her he's serious and she'll take him serious and he'll start writing serious and we'll all be in serious trouble.
- Mark Christopher: How may I ask am I acting?
- Dr. Rawley, Harvey's Shrink: Like a jealous man. Like a husband who's in love with his own wife. Of course, it is abnormal, when he doesn't know it.
- Mark Christopher: Abnormal? Me, abnormal? Let's get something straight, Doctor, I don't love anybody. I don't love anybody!
- Dr. Rawley, Harvey's Shrink: Why don't we lie down - and talk it over.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Mark, so help me, I was as surprised as you are. When I read it, my tattoo turned over.
- Maude Snodgrass: What is this, Lieutenant? A Navy court martial? Or, do you just like to pick on little girls?
- Dr. Rawley, Harvey's Shrink: Yes, go on Mr. Butterworth. You were talking about your daughter. Your relationship with her hasn't improved since you undertook psychiatry.
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: Only in that she doesn't talk to me any more.
- Dr. Rawley, Harvey's Shrink: What does her mother say?
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: She blames everything on those UCLA boys.
- Mark Christopher: You're only seventeen.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Seventeen? I'll be 18 in four months! I can climb on a horse alone. I shoot golf in the low 140s. I belong to the best book-of-the-week club. I read parts of The New York Times I can understand. I can smoke a cigarette half down. And I know how to mix drinks. Daiquiris: two jiggers of rum, half a lime, sugar to taste, pour over crushed ice. Serve. Martinis: five parts gin, one part vermouth, French, stir, but don't bruise the gin. Scotch over rocks.
- [winks]
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: That's Scotch and soda without the soda. Now Mark, what more do you want in a wife? I'm a doll and you know it!
- Mark Christopher: I'm too big to play with dolls. I'm ready for the arm chair, television, a small dog to bring my slippers.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: [pants enthusiastically like a dog] Arf! Arf!