Peter Pan (1953)

Hans Conried: Captain Hook, Mr. Darling

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Quotes 

• Mr. Darling : [seeing the pirate ship floating in the sky back to Never Land]  You know, I have the strangest feeling that I've seen that ship before. A long time ago, when I was very young.

• Captain Hook : [about to lower a bomb into Peter Pan's hideout]  And now, Smee, to take care of master Peter Pan.

  Mr. Smee : But, Captain, wouldn't it be more humane-like to slit his throat?

  Captain Hook : Aye, that it would, Mr Smee. But I have given me word not to lay a finger, or a hook, on Peter Pan. And Captain Hook never breaks a promise.

• [at Skull Rock, Peter Pan has disguised his voice to sound like Captain Hook to trick Mr. Smee into returning Princess Tiger Lily to the Indians. The real Hook notices Smee rowing past him, out of Skull Rock] 

  Mr. Smee : Well, at last, Captain Hook's comin' to his senses.

  Captain Hook : [surprised]  Odd's fish!

  Mr. Smee : [to Tiger Lily]  I told him all along you Indians wouldn't betray Peter Pan.

  Captain Hook : [sweetly]  And just what do you think you are doing, Mr. Smee?

  [He stops the rowboat from moving by placing his foot on it] 

  Mr. Smee : Just what you told me, Captain: carrying out your orders.

  Captain Hook : My orders?

  Mr. Smee : Why, yes, Captain. Didn't you just say to go...

  Captain Hook : [shoving Smee's rowboat back into Skull Rock]  Put her back, you blithering idiot!

  [to himself] 

  Captain Hook : My orders. Of all the bumbling...

• Peter Pan : Well, well, a codfish on a hook.

  Captain Hook : I'll get you for this, Pan, if it's the last thing I do!

• Captain Hook : You wouldn't do ol' Hook in now, would you, lad? I'll go away forever.

  [tearfully] 

  Captain Hook : I'll do anything you say.

  Peter Pan : Well, all right... if you... say you're a codfish.

  Captain Hook : [gulps]  I'm a codfish.

  Peter Pan : Louder!

  Captain Hook : [wailing]  I'M A CODFISH!

• [the pirates see Peter Pan and the Darling children coming, so they get ready to shoot them down] 

  Captain Hook : I've waited years for this.

  Mr. Smee : That's not countin' the holidays, either.

• Mrs. Darling : But, George, do you think the children will be safe without Nana?

  Mr. Darling : Safe? Of course they'll be safe. Why not?

  Mrs. Darling : Well, Wendy said something about a shadow, and I...

  Mr. Darling : Shadow? Whose shadow?

  Mrs. Darling : Peter Pan's.

  Mr. Darling : Oh, Peter Pan... Peter Pan! You don't say!

  Mr. Darling : [high, mocking voice]  Goodness gracious, whatever shall we do?

  Mrs. Darling : But George...

  Mr. Darling : Sound the alarm!

  Mrs. Darling : Really, I...

  Mr. Darling : Call Scotland Yard!

• [Mr. Smee has captured a brooding Tinker Bell and taken her to Captain Hook, who is playing his harpsichord, while Smee is drinking] 

  Captain Hook : Yes, Miss Bell, Captain Hook admits defeat. Tomorrow, I leave the island, never to return.

  Mr. Smee : I'm glad to hear that, Captain.

  [he hiccups] 

  Mr. Smee : I'll tell the crew and...

  [he hiccups again and tries to leave, but Hook trips him up and he falls down] 

  Captain Hook : [to Tinker Bell]  And that's why I asked you over, me dear, to tell Peter I bear him no ill will. Oh, Pan has his faults, to be sure. Bringing that Wendy to the island, for instance. Dangerous business, that. Why, rumor has it that already she has come between you and Peter.

  [he notices that Tinker Bell is on the verge of tears] 

  Captain Hook : But what's this? Tears? Then it *is* true.

  [to Smee] 

  Captain Hook : Oh, Smee, the way of a man with a maid: taking the best years of her life and then casting her aside like an old glove!

  Mr. Smee : [crying]  Ain't it a bloomin'...

  [he hiccups] 

  Mr. Smee : ... shame?

  Captain Hook : [handing a handkerchief to Tinker Bell]  But we musn't judge Peter too harshly, my dear. It's that Wendy who's to blame.

  [Tinker Ball nods in agreement; Hook then turns to Smee] 

  Captain Hook : Mr. Smee, we must save the lad from himself. But how?

  [Smee just cries] 

  Captain Hook : We've so little time; we sail in the morning. Sail? That's it, Smee!

  [he slaps Smee on the back and Smee falls down again] 

  Captain Hook : We'll shanghai Wendy!

  Mr. Smee : Shanghai Wendy, Captain?

  Captain Hook : Take her to sea with us. With her gone, Peter will soon forget this mad infatuation.

• Mr. Darling : Wendy, haven't I warned you? Stuffing the boys heads with a lot of silly stories?

  Wendy : Oh, but they aren't.

  Mr. Darling : I say they are. Captain Crook! Peter Pirate!

  Wendy : Peter Pan, Father.

  Mr. Darling : Pan... Pirate... Poppycock!

  Wendy : Oh, no, Father!

  John : Oh my gosh!

  Wendy : How can you...?

  Mr. Darling : Absolute poppycock!

• [Mr. Darling is putting out Nana for the night and he leashes her with a rope to her doghouse. She looks at him sadly] 

  Mr. Darling : Dash it all, Nana, don't look at me like that. It's nothing personal, it's just that... well, you're not really a nurse at all, you're... well, a dog. And the children aren't puppies, they're people. And sooner or later, Nana, people have to grow up.

• Mr. Smee : [outside the door where Captain Hook is sitting with a cold] 

  [holding a hammer] 

  Mr. Smee : Shhhh! The Captain has a splitting headache. We mustn't annoy him.

  [looking away as Captain Hook comes out, about to attack Mr. Smee when Mr. Smee accidentally hits Captain Hook in the forehead with the hammer. Mr. Smee vibrates as Captain Hook staggers back into the room and collapses back onto the chair. Dazed. Smee walks in with a kettle of hot water. Takes a look at Captain Hook] 

  Mr. Smee : Well, Captain. It's nice to see you smiling again. Brings back the good old days when we was leading a healthy, normal life, scuttling ships, cutting throats.

  [Puts a thermometer in Captain Hook's mouth] 

  Mr. Smee : Oh Captain, why don't we go to sea again?

  [starts pouring the hot water into the bucket where Captain Hook's feet are] 

  Mr. Smee : You know, there's trouble brewing on the island. Women trouble. I wouldn't want this to go any farther, but...

  [not realizing the bucket is filling with hot water] 

  Mr. Smee : the cook told me, that the first mate told him...

  [the thermometer in Captain Hook's mouth starts to rise as Captain Hook's face turns red] 

  Mr. Smee : ...that he heard... that Pan has banished Tinkerbell.

  [the thermometer pops at the end] 

  Captain Hook : WOOOOOAH!

  [Jumps up off the chair out of the bucket of hot water with his feet red hot and bumps his head against the ceiling as Smee falls over] 

  Captain Hook : Why you doddering imbecile, I...

  [pulls the kettle off of his head] 

  Captain Hook : Did you say Pan has banished Tinkerbell?

• [the time bomb that Hook had delivered Peter had just gone off] 

  Captain Hook : So passes on a worthy opponent.

  Mr. Smee : Amen.

• Wendy : Oh! Mother, we're back!

  Mr. Darling : Back?

  Wendy : All except the lost boys. They were not quite ready.

  Mr. Darling : Lost boys? Ready?

  Wendy : To grow up. That's why they went back to Neverland.

  Mr. Darling : Neverland?

  Wendy : Well... I am.

  Mr. Darling : Am...?

  Wendy : Uh... ready to grow up.

  Mr. Darling : Oh, oh! Well, my dear...

  Wendy : Oh, we had such a wonderful time! Well, except when we were kidnapped...

  Mr. Darling : Kidnapped?

  Wendy : We had lots of fun with Tinker Bell, and the mermaids, and Peter Pan! Oh, he was the most wonderful person of them all! And then we called him a codfish!

  [giggles] 

  Wendy : Uh... Captain Hook, I mean.

  [calms down and starts talking in a dreamy tone] 

  Wendy : And then... we sailed away on a ship in the sky.

  Mr. Darling : [weirded out by Wendy's story, yawns]  Mary, I'm going to bed.

• Mrs. Darling : George, dear, do hurry. We mustn't be late for the party, you know.

  Narrator : Mrs. Darling believed that Peter Pan was a great hero, but Mr. Darling...

  Mr. Darling : Mary, unless I find my cufflinks, we don't go to the party! If we don't go to the party, I can never show my face in the office again! If I could ever...

  [hits his head on the drawer] 

  Mr. Darling : Ouch!

  Narrator : Well... Mr. Darling was a practical man.

• [Wendy has walked the plank, and Peter saves her] 

  Mr. Starkey : No splash, Captain.

  Captain Hook : So, you want a splash, Mr Starkey? I'll give you a splash!

  [Hook throws Mr Starkey overboard] 

  Captain Hook : Who's next?

  Peter Pan : You're next, Hook! This time you've gone too far!

• Mr. Smee : Oh, dear, dear, dear, Captain Hook. Shooting a man in the middle of his cadenza? That ain't good form, you know.

  Captain Hook : "Good form," Mr. Smee?

  [suddenly yelling] 

  Captain Hook : Blast good form!

  [waves his hook in front of Smee] 

  Captain Hook : Did Pan show good form when he did *this* to me?

  Mr. Smee : Why, Captain, cutting your hand off was only a childish prank, you might say.

  Captain Hook : Aye, but throwing it to that crocodile! That cursed beast liked the taste of me so well he's followed me ever since, licking his chops for the rest of me.

  Mr. Smee : And he would've had you by now, Captain, if he hadn't swallowed that alarm clock. But now, when he's about, he'd warn you, as you might say, with his tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

• Peter Pan : [as he and Capt. Hook hear the sound of Tick-Tock]  I say, Captain, do you hear something?

  Captain Hook : [trembles in fear]  No.

  [ticking getting closer] 

  Captain Hook : No!

  [Tick-Tock comes up from the water and bites Hook] 

  Captain Hook : Nooo!

• Captain Hook : Fly! Fly! Fly! You coward!

  Peter Pan : Coward! Me?

  Captain Hook : Ha-ha-ha! You wouldn't dare fight old Hook man-to-man. You'd fly away like a cowardly sparrow!

  Peter Pan : Nobody calls Pan a coward and lives! I'll fight you man-to-man, with one hand behind my back.

  Captain Hook : You mean you won't fly?

  Wendy : No, don't, Peter! It's a trick!

  Peter Pan : I give my word, Hook.

  Captain Hook : Good, then let's have at it!

• [Captain Hook and Mr. Smee have decided to kidnap Wendy so Peter Pan would never see her again] 

  Captain Hook : Come, Smee, we must leave immediately. We'll surround Peter's home...

  Mr. Smee : But Captain, we don't know where Peter Pan lives.

  Captain Hook : Great Scott, you're right, Smee!

  [Tinker Bell flies over to them and then flies over to a map of Never Land] 

  Captain Hook : What's that, my dear? You could show us the way? Why, I never thought of that.

  [to Smee] 

  Captain Hook : Take this down, Smee.

  Mr. Smee : "Take this down, Smee."

  [takes a swig of rum, then turns the bottle upside down, dumping it out] 

  Mr. Smee : Aye-aye, Captain.

  [plugs up bottle with finger] 

  Mr. Smee : [Smee takes out a quill pen and a piece of paper while Tinker Bell dips her shoes in an inkwell and then lands on a part of the Never Land map marked Pegleg Point] 

  Captain Hook : Start at Pegleg Point...

  Mr. Smee : [writing in the paper]  "Start at Pegleg Point... "

  [Tinker Bell walks across the map to another area marked Blindman's Bluff] 

  Captain Hook : Forty paces west to Blindman's Bluff...

  Mr. Smee : [writing]  "Blindman's Bluff... "

  [Tinker Bell hops across a part of the map with a creek on it and then walks toward the northeastern end of the map] 

  Captain Hook : [nervously]  Yes, yes. A hop, skip and a jump across Crocodile Creek and then nor' by nor'east, one, two, three...

  [loses patience] 

  Captain Hook : Well, get on with...

  [calms down] 

  Captain Hook : Continue, my dear.

  [Tinker Bell suddenly gets angry and she flies up in Hook's face, wagging her finger at him] 

  Captain Hook : I mustn't harm Peter? Madam, Captain Hook gives his word not to lay a finger...

  [Tinker Bell hooks her finger] 

  Captain Hook : ... or a hook... on Peter Pan.

  [Tinker Bell flies over to an area of the Never Land map marked Hangman's Tree and puts an X on it with her inked shoe heels] 

  Captain Hook : Ah, Hangman's Tree! So *that's* the entrance to his hiding place!

  [Hook grabs Tinker Bell and locks her in a lantern] 

  Captain Hook : Thank you, me dear, you've been most helpful.

• Mrs. Darling : Now, George...

  Mr. Darling : [mockingly]  "Now, George."

  [turning cross] 

  Mr. Darling : "Now, George!" Well, "now, *George*" will have his say!

  Mrs. Darling : Please, Dear!

  Mr. Darling : Mary, the child's growing up. I think it's time she settled for a room of her own!

  Wendy : Father!

  Mrs. Darling : George!

  John : What?

  Michael : No!

  Mr. Darling : I mean it! Young lady, this is your last night in the nursery!

• Captain Hook : [catching Mr. Smee leaving his cabin]  And where do you think *you* are going?

  Mr. Smee : To tell the boys we sails with the tide, sir.

  Captain Hook : You will go ashore, pick up Tinker Bell, and bring her to me.

  [shouts] 

  Captain Hook : UNDERSTAND?

  Mr. Smee : [saluting Hook]  Aye-aye sir!

  [Mr. Smee charges through the wall, lands in a boat, goes flying overboard and rows to the shore very fast] 

• Captain Hook : Blast that Peter Pan! If I could only find his hideout, I'd trap him in his lair. But where is it?

  [He examines a map of Neverland] 

  Captain Hook : Mermaid Lagoon? No, we've search that. And we've combed Cannibal Cove.

  [He then lands his hook on an area of the map marked Indian Camp] 

  Captain Hook : Here! No. No, no, no, that's Indian territ... But wait. Those redskins know this island better than I do me own ship. Ah, I wonder.

  Mr. Smee : [walking up]  Good morning, Captain.

  Captain Hook : [grabbing Smee]  I've got it! Tiger Lily, Smee!

  Mr. Smee : [nervously]  T-T-Tiger Lily, Captain?

  Captain Hook : The chief's daughter. She'll know where Pan is hiding.

  Mr. Smee : B-B-But-But will she talk, Captain?

  Captain Hook : Oh, a little persuasion might be in order. Now let me see... Boiling in oil? Uh, keelhauling? Eh, marooning?

• [Mr. Darling had just tripped over Nana and crashed into a dresser] 

  Mrs. Darling , Wendy , John , Michael : Ohhhhhh...

  [Everyone runs right passed Mr. Darling and comforts Nana] 

  Mrs. Darling , Wendy , John , Michael : Poor Nana.

  Mr. Darling : Poor Nana? This is the last straw! Out! Out, I say!

  Michael : No, father! No!

  Mr. Darling : Yes! There will be no more dogs for nurse maids in this house!

  [Mr. Darling grabs Nana and takes her outside] 

  Michael : Good-bye, Nana.

• Singing Pirate : [singing with an accordion]  Oooooh, a pirate's life is a wonderful-la-la-la life/ You'll find adventure and sport/ but live every minute/ for all that is in it/ the life of a pirate is sho-o-o-o-O-O-O-R-R-RT!/ Oh, the li-i-i-i...

  [Captain Hook shoots him;] 

  Captain Hook : [blowing off his pistol]  Now let me see, where was I?

  Mr. Smee : Oh, dear, dear, dear, Captain Hook - shooting a man in the middle of his cadenza? It ain't good form, you know.

• Captain Hook : A jealous female can be tricked into anything.

• [Mr. Smee is working on shaving what he thinks is Captain Hook's head but is actually a seagull. The seagull flies away, and Smee notices thinking Hook's head has disappeared] 

  Mr. Smee : Captain! Oh, dear! I've never shaved his ghost before!

  [Smee looks under the towel and sees the rest of Hook's body] 

  Mr. Smee : Oooh! Ooooooh! Ooh!

  [Smee crawls under the chair looking for the Captain's head but ends up picking up the chair accidentally] 

  Mr. Smee : Now stay calm, Captain. It must be somewhere about.

  Captain Hook : Get up, you idiot!

  Mr. Smee : [stands up and salutes]  Aye, aye, Sir.

  [Hook flies off and crashes. Smee then sees his head] 

  Mr. Smee : Oh! I found it, Captain! Good as new!

  [Smee pulls on Hook's head] 

  Captain Hook : [Captain Hook he wake up]  Why, you blithering blockhead!

  Pirate : [One of the pirates look to Peter Pan and your friends in the heaven]  Peter pan ahoy!

  Captain Hook : What? What? Where away?

  Pirate : Three points of the starboard bow!

  Captain Hook : [Captain Hook look to Peter Pan and your friends in your telescope] 

  Captain Hook : Swoggle me eyes! It is Pan! Headed this way with some more of those scurvy brats! Mr. Smee, pipe up the crew!

  Mr. Smee : Aye, aye, sir. Pipe up the crew!

• Captain Hook : Remember... there is no path through water to the happy hunting ground.

  [Tiger Lily says nothing, but she gives Captain Hook a dirty look and turns her nose up at him. The Captain grabs her bonds with his hook and screams in her face] 

  Captain Hook : This is your last chance, Tiger Lily!

• Mr. Darling : Dash it all, Nana, don't look at me like that. It's nothing personal. It's just that... Well, you're not really a nurse at all. You're, well, a dog. And the children aren't puppies. They're people. And sooner or later, Nana, people have to grow up.