- Michael Kent: Are you a good detective?
- Peter Virgil: Naturally, why?
- Michael Kent: Where did you do your traning?
- Peter Virgil: In the army. Intelligence G2.
- Michael Kent: Well how are you at the job?
- Peter Virgil: We won the war didn't we?
- Michael Kent: My wife is leaving day after tomorrow on a South American cruise and, well, she insists on going without me.
- Peter Virgil: Hm. And to a man of your suspicious nature that means only one thing: Another man on the boat.
- Michael Kent: Well, you see, I don't know, but that's what I want you to find out.
- Peter Virgil: Well, you've come to the right man. I have handled so many of these cases.
- [phone rings]
- Peter Virgil: Excuse me.
- [picks up phone]
- Peter Virgil: Hello?...Oh yes, how are you?...Well, certainly I shadowed your wife. I hate to tell you this, but you were right, she's been two-timing you.
- [we hear a thud on the other end of the line]
- Peter Virgil: Hello? Hello?
- [aside to Mr. Kent]
- Peter Virgil: He fainted.
- [hangs up phone]
- Peter Virgil: Sometimes there's a shot. Now where were we?
- Michael Kent: Well, Mr. Virgil, I want you to get on the same boat with my wife and shadow her.
- Peter Virgil: Hey now, wait a minute! That means I'll have to leave all of my business!
- Michael Kent: I'll make it up to you.
- Peter Virgil: Well, I can tell you right now without batting an eyelash it'll cost you $1000 a week.
- Michael Kent: Well, that's a little steep, isn't it, old boy?
- Peter Virgil: Yes, yes it is, but, uh, I'll probably get seasick.
- Michael Kent: Well, all right, all right, I'll book your passage.
- Peter Virgil: Hm. Now, uh, move your chair a little closer, will you? There's a little confidential information I must have.
- [phone rings]
- Peter Virgil: Excuse me.
- [picks up phone]
- Peter Virgil: Hello?
- [we hear a gunshot on the other end of the line]
- Peter Virgil: Well, whaddya know? He didn't even wait for me to tell him!
- Rio hotel clerk: What if there IS blood shed in 314? We're going to do the whole third floor over anyhow.
- Dudley: Oh! How do you do, Miss Garrett?
- Georgia Garrett: Greetings, chum!
- Dudley: My, we haven't seen you, let's see now, since you didn't go to Switzerland.
- Georgia Garrett: Yeah, I got a big kick out of planning that trip. What looks good this time of year?
- Dudley: How about the Canadian Rockies?
- Georgia Garrett: Canadian Rockies? Don't you remember? I already haven't been there!
- Georgia Garrett: You don't know what it's like to want someone and not be able to do anything about it.
- Oscar Farrar: Don't I? Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to bury myself in my work.
- [plays piano]
- Georgia Garrett: Is that your Brooklyn Rhapsody?
- Oscar Farrar: Who said anything about Brooklyn? It's now called the Caribbean Rhapsody. I'm very adaptable.
- Georgia Garrett: Have you finished it yet?
- Oscar Farrar: I don't want to finish it. People will like it. They'll make a big fuss over me, I'll have no time for myself, I'll be the toast of the town, and then what happens to that sweet boy you and I both love?
- Georgia Garrett: Aren't you being modest? I have confidence in you, Oscar.
- Oscar Farrar: Everybody has confidence in me. That's my trouble. In high school I was voted the boy most likely to succeed. In college they said I had a brilliant future.
- [pause]
- Oscar Farrar: I wonder whatever became of me.
- Plinio: I'm spending a fortune to redecorate this place so I can reopen in time for Carnival. To get my investment back I need an attraction, a real attraction. I need someone with a name!
- Oscar Farrar: Whaddya think my mother gave me, a number?
- Oscar Farrar: Incidentally, I picked up your last two paychecks. It was barely enough to pay for my plane ticket down here. Didn't even leave me enough to buy you a present! I feel like a cad.
- Georgia Garrett: You crook. You can go to jail for that.
- Oscar Farrar: Marry me and you won't have to testify against me.
- Peter Virgil: There's something I just gotta do, I cant help myself.
- Georgia Garrett: [pretending to be Elvira Kent] Well if you cant help yourself, you can't help yourself.
- Peter Virgil: I gotta find the cable-gram.
- Ship's doctor: Let me see your tongue.
- [he bends over; we hear hs spine crack and he grabs his back]
- Ship's doctor: Ow!
- Georgia Garrett: What's the matter?
- Ship's doctor: Well, I get dizzy when I bend. I must be coming down with something.
- Georgia Garrett: Awww.
- Ship's doctor: Thank you very much, yes. May I feel your pulse?
- [she offers her wrist; he offers his to her]
- Ship's doctor: You might as well feel mine, if you'd be so kind. Thank you.
- [pause]
- Ship's doctor: Yes, your pulse is normal.
- Georgia Garrett: Yours is fast!
- Ship's doctor: I was sure of it!
- Uncle Lazlo Lazlo: Oh, well, I'm not saying that Michael hasn't looked at another woman. Who hasn't? I have looked at women and the few that looked back, I married. That cured me of looking.
- Peter Virgil: Look, don't worry. The slogan of my firm is 'Never kiss a client's wife'...
- Michael Kent: Well, don't change slogans in mid-ocean.
- Oscar Farrar: I always wanted to marry a gal who could tune a piano on the side. Once and for all, will you marry me? Answer yes or no.
- Georgia Garrett: No!
- Oscar Farrar: We'll continue this discussion later.
- Ship's doctor: Why do I smell herring?
- Georgia Garrett: I guess there's a school of herring following the ship.
- Ship's doctor: No, no, not marinated herring. Oh, I don't feel well. I suppose I'd better be going.
- Georgia Garrett: Goodnight, doctor.
- Ship's doctor: Goodnight. I hope I sleep well.
- Georgia Garrett: Oscar! Aren't you going to kiss me?
- Oscar Farrar: I don't know how. Will you show me?
- [she kisses his cheek]
- Oscar Farrar: You don't know how either!
- Georgia Garrett: Oh, by the way, Mrs. Kent. I know it's none of my business, but have you got anything on your husband?
- Elvira Kent: I'm afraid his conduct has been impeccable.
- Georgia Garrett: Oh, caught him with the goods, huh?
- Elvira Kent: No, that means he's been behaving himself.
- Georgia Garrett: Oh, too bad. Well, maybe he'll do something unimpeccable before I come back.
- Headwaiter: Hey, Georgia. A couple of income-tax evaders want you to have a drink with them. Table seven.
- Elvira Kent: Just remember that while it's your lips that are being kissed, it's my reputation that will be suffering.
- Georgia Garrett: Yeah, I'll make a note of that.
- Elvira Kent: Good!
- Peter Virgil: Can you explain to me why that man was in your cabin kissing you?
- Georgia Garrett: [pretending to the be Elvira Kent] No.
- Peter Virgil: Well?
- Georgia Garrett: Well, can you explain why you were watching my cabin?
- Peter Virgil: No.
- Georgia Garrett: Well?
- Peter Virgil: Well, maybe...
- Georgia Garrett: Maybe what?
- Peter Virgil: Well, maybe I'm narrow minded. But I don't like married women who play around with other men.
- Georgia Garrett: Would you feel different if the other man was you?
- Peter Virgil: That's beside the point.
- Georgia Garrett: It is, is it?
- Peter Virgil: Yes, it is. Everything they've ever said about women like you on boats like this with men like me certainly turns out to be true. Or don't you follow me?
- Georgia Garrett: I've wanted to, Peter, anywhere, anytime.
- Peter Virgil: Everything they've ever said about women like you're on boats like this with men like me, certainly turned out to be true. Or don't you follow me?
- [sic]
- Oscar Farrar: Listen, I didn't come all this way and spend all your money to pretend I didn't know you.
- Elvira Kent: You know, it's very irritating. Here I gave up a perfectly wonderful cruise to trap my husband and what happens? Nothing.
- Uncle Lazlo Lazlo: Just goes to show you can't trust men.
- Rio Headwaiter: Why, Mr. Virgil. I thought you went back to the States.
- Peter Virgil: I was going but I didn't.
- Rio Headwaiter: I beg your pardon, sir.
- Peter Virgil: Can I help it if I can't help it?
- Rio Headwaiter: Yes, sir.
- Georgia Garrett: I'm in love.
- Oscar Farrar: With me?
- Georgia Garrett: No, not with you.
- Oscar Farrar: Short romance.
- Headwaiter: You rich guys think that money can buy anything.
- [given a tip]
- Headwaiter: How right you are.
- Michael Kent: Oh, hello, darling. Your hat's on crooked.
- Elvira Kent: Well, it's supposed to be that way.
- Michael Kent: Oh, is it? Looks very cute. Very cute.
- Peter Virgil: I advise you to go to your cabin and get out of your clothes at once.
- Georgia Garrett: [pretending to be Elvira Kent] I beg your pardon?
- Peter Virgil: Don't go in there. You'll be frightfully embarrassed.
- Georgia Garrett: Embarrassed? Why?
- Peter Virgil: Well, nobody dresses the first night out.
- Georgia Garrett: They don't? Even if it's chilly? This I gotta see.
- Georgia Garrett: [singing] I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, With, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, With you.
- [song ends, takes a bow, exits stage]
- Uncle Lazlo Lazlo: What was the name of that song?
- Elvira Kent: "I'm in Love."
- Elvira Kent: Oh, I almost forgot the most important thing. How do you feel about men?
- Georgia Garrett: They're grand. I mean, they're the most important thing.
- Elvira Kent: Well, with your figure and my name, the men will be flocking after you.
- Georgia Garrett: Say, that's happened to me plenty under my own name.
- Peter Virgil: I'm tired of pretending too. Let's both let our hair down. Let's follow our impulses wherever they lead and make this a real vacation, shall we?
- Georgia Garrett: [pretending to be Elvira Kent] Frankly, Mr. Virgil, I don't see why you're wasting your time with a married woman when there's so many attractive single girls on board.
- Peter Virgil: Oh, yes, yes. Well, you see, the single girls are looking for husbands, while married women are running away from their husbands. Frankly, I'd rather be with those that are running than with those that are looking.
- Peter Virgil: I'd like to see the rest of your wardrobe... .
- Georgia Garrett: [pretending to be Elvira Kent] In particular, I have one little item... that's backless, strapless... almost frontless.
- Georgia Garrett: [pretending to be Elvira Kent] I've always had a secret ambition to be a singer.
- Peter Virgil: Is that so? Most singers have secret ambitions to be society dames.
- Peter Virgil: Who was it, said you can't live with them or without them?
- Oscar Farrar: Probably the same guy who said more truth than poetry and I wouldn't care to meet either of them.
- Peter Virgil: The cause of all human suffering, you know.
- Oscar Farrar: To think that we gave up a perfectly good rib.
- Peter Virgil: And not that they appreciate it.
- Peter Virgil: [singing] I knew a girl whose kiss was warm, I never thought that it could do me harm, There never was a better girl like her, But her husband was professional wrestler, Oh, run, run, run, When you see a pretty woman, Run, run, run, When you see a pretty woman...
- Georgia Garrett: My first night onboard, I met him. There must be something about salt air, he looked so wonderful to me. By the time we reached Cuba, I was in love with him. Head over heels, if you know what I mean. Oh, Havana was heaven. And all the time I had to pretend that who I was, I wasn't.
- Peter Virgil: How easy it would be if you weren't married. I'd take you in my arms.
- Georgia Garrett: [pretending to be Elvira Kent] Like how?
- Peter Virgil: Like this.
- Georgia Garrett: Then what?
- Peter Virgil: On your lips I'd - I'd plant a kiss.
- Georgia Garrett: Such as?
- Peter Virgil: But then, you have a husband.
- Georgia Garrett: And you have principles.
- Elvira Kent: After all these weeks, you'd think he'd give her a pinch or a pat. On the shoulder, I mean.