The Naughty Nineties (1945)

Lou Costello: Sebastian Dinwiddle

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Quotes 

• Dexter Broadhurst : Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Funny names?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Nicknames. Nicknames.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Not - not as funny as my name - Sebastian Dinwiddie.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, yes, yes, yes!

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Funnier than that?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, absolutely. Yes. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

  Dexter Broadhurst : I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : You know the fellows' names?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Well, then, who's playin' first?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I mean the fellow's name on first base.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : The guy on first base.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who is on first.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Well, what are you askin' me for?

  Dexter Broadhurst : I'm not asking you - I'm telling you. Who is on first.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm asking *you* who's on first!

  Dexter Broadhurst : That's the man's name!

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's whose name?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes.

• Sebastian Dinwiddle : Well, go ahead and tell me!

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : The guy on first.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : The first baseman.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who is on first.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Have you got a first baseman on first?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Certainly.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Then who's playing first?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Absolutely.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Every dollar of it. And why not? The man's entitled to it.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Who is?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : So who gets it?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Whose wife?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. After all, the man earns it.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Who does?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Absolutely.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not asking you who's on second.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who's on first.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's what I'm trying to find out.

• Dexter Broadhurst : Well, don't change the players around.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not changing nobody.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Now, take it easy.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : What's the guy's name on first base?

  Dexter Broadhurst : What's the guy's name on second base.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who's on first.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know.

  Dexter Broadhurst : He's on third. We're not talking about him.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : How did I get on third base?

  Dexter Broadhurst : You mentioned his name.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

  Dexter Broadhurst : No, who's playing first.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Stay offa first, will ya?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Well, what do you want me to do?

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Now what's the guy's name on third base?

  Dexter Broadhurst : What's on second.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not asking ya who's on second.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who's on first.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know.

  Dexter Broadhurst : He's on third.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : There I go, back on third again.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Well, I can't change their names.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Will you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Please. Now what is it you want to know?

• Sebastian Dinwiddle : What is the fellow's name on third base?

  Dexter Broadhurst : What is the fellow's name on second base.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who's on first.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle , Dexter Broadhurst : Third base!

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : You got a outfield?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, sure.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : St. Louis has got a good outfield?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, absolutely.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : The left fielder's name?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Why.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Then tell me who's playing left field.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who is playing first.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Stay out of the infield!

  Dexter Broadhurst : Don't mention their names out there.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field.

  Dexter Broadhurst : What is on second.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not asking you who's on second.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Who is on first.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Now take it easy, take it easy.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : And the left fielder's name?

• Dexter Broadhurst : Why.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Because.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, he's center field. Will you pick up your hat, please.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Center field.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Pick up your hat. And stop this - Now look, please.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Mr. Broadhurst.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes?

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Tomorrow.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : You don't want to tell me today?

  Dexter Broadhurst : I'm telling you, man.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Then go ahead.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Tomorrow.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : What time?

  Dexter Broadhurst : What time what?

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Now listen, Who is not pitching, Who is on...

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'll break your arm if you say who's on first.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Then why come up here and ask?

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

  Dexter Broadhurst : What's on second.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know.

  Dexter Broadhurst , Sebastian Dinwiddle : Third base!

• Sebastian Dinwiddle : You gotta catcher?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : The catcher's name?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Today.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Now you've got it.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's all, St. Louis got a couple of days on their team. That's all.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Well, I can't help that. All right. What do you want me to do?

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Gotta catcher?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm a good catcher, too, you know.

  Dexter Broadhurst : I know that.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Well, I might arrange that.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Now when he bunts the ball - me being a good catcher - I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Now, that's the first thing you've said right.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't even know what I'm talking about!

  Dexter Broadhurst : Well, that's all you have to do.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Is to throw it to first base.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Now who's got it?

• Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Who has it?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Naturally.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Okay.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Now you've got it.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

  Dexter Broadhurst : No, you don't, you throw the ball to first base.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Then who gets it?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Okay.

  Dexter Broadhurst : All right.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I throw the ball to Naturally.

  Dexter Broadhurst : You don't. You throw it to Who.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Naturally.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Well, that's it. Say it that way.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's what I said.

  Dexter Broadhurst : You did not.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

  Dexter Broadhurst : You don't. You throw it to Who.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Naturally.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yes.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

  Dexter Broadhurst : No. You throw the ball to first base.

• Dexter Broadhurst : Now it don't look nice chewing gum in that suit!

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm chewin' it in my mouth.

• Sebastian Dinwiddle : Then who gets it?

  Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's what I'm saying.

  Dexter Broadhurst : You're not saying that.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Excuse me, folks.

  Dexter Broadhurst : It's all right. I'm sorry, folks.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I throw the ball to Naturally.

  Dexter Broadhurst : You throw it to Who.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Naturally.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally. Well, say it that way.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's what I'm saying.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Don't get excited. Now don't get excited.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I throw the ball to first base.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Then Who gets it.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : He better get it.

  Dexter Broadhurst : That's it. All right, now don't get excited. Take it easy.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Hmmph.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Hmmph.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Uh-huh.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - a triple play.

  Dexter Broadhurst : Yeah. It could be.

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't care.

  Dexter Broadhurst : What was that?

  Sebastian Dinwiddle : I said, I don't care.