George White's Scandals (1945)

Joan Davis: Joan Mason

Photos 

Quotes 

• Clarabelle Evans : Jack's too young. Why he hasn't even sown his wild oats.

  Joan Mason : Sown his wild oats? Why, at his age he should have sown 'em, grown 'em, reaped 'em, and sold 'em.

• Joan Mason : Gosh, I was a gawky kid.

• Clarabelle Evans : Jack promised our dear departed mother that since I'm alone in the world, he wouldn't marry until I did.

  Joan Mason : Well, how do you know he'll live that long?

• Joan Mason : Jack had something in his eye and I was just trying to get it out.

  Clarabelle Evans : You must have been trying to take it out with your teeth. He's got lipstick all over his mouth.

• Joan Mason : I'll help you; but, do you realize what you're letting yourself in for? It means changing your whole life. You'll have to spend all your evenings at the theater, your recreation will have to come later. You'll be up until all hours of the night: dancing, parties, late suppers. Then, you go home and you have to sleep *all* morning and afternoon. That doesn't sound bad.

• Joan Mason : You in the chorus - that's wonderful! Lord Asbury's daughter in the Scandals. From riches to rags!

• Joan Mason : What is it about me you don't like? And try not to make it personal.

  Clarabelle Evans : I think you're an utter monstrosity.

  Jack Evans : Now just a minute, this utter monstrosity happens to be the woman I love.

  Joan Mason : Oh, darling!

• Jill Martin : My, but, your maid is popular.

  Joan Mason : She's got a lot of men chasing her - and they're catching her too.

• Jack Evans : Say, she's got it good.

  Joan Mason : And that ain't bad.

• Joan Mason : You brought the sweetness out in me and the ugly duckling became a golden goose.

  Jack Evans : My little goose.

• Joan Mason : [singing]  I have such dreams, Just as soon as I start nappin', The grandest things begin to happen, I dream I am in London in some lonely foggy place, And suddenly I hear a voice, "I'm blacker than the ice!" Before I know it there I am in Cary Grant's embrace, But, I wake up in the morning - and it's you

  Jack Evans : Say, you are not the only one the dream man takes on trips, I have some dreams at night myself that certainly are pips, So many times I'm being thrilled by Ginger Rogers' lips, But I wake in the morning - and it's you...

• Jack Evans : [singing]  Gee, maybe you will dream of me and I might dream of you

  Joan Mason : That's just what I'm afraid of, We'll have nightmares if we do, But, I know that when I wake up, Van Johnson will not be, Having breakfast with me

  Jack Evans : And lying were you are, Won't be Hedy Lamarr

  Joan Mason : It won't be Victor Mature

  Jack Evans : It won't be Dorothy Lamour

  Joan Mason : It won't be Clark Gable

  Jack Evans : It won't be Betty Grable

  Joan Mason : It won't be Ray Milland

  Gene Krupa : How would you like Gene Krupa's Band?

  Joan Mason , Jack Evans : But, when I wake up in the morning, It'll be you!

• Tom McGrath : Joan, is she coming to the party tonight?

  Joan Mason : She sure is.

  Tom McGrath : You better talk to her. You'll have Lady Godiva riding into the room.

• Joan Mason : Hold this, Casanova.

  Montescu : When the Escort Bureau assigned me here I didn't think I would have to go through such an outrage.

  Joan Mason : If you think this is an outrage, wait'll you see Clarabelle.

• Joan Mason : Don't think this is easy for me. But, let us be big and brave about it. Let us be gay!

• [repeated line] 

  Joan Mason : No ad libbing, please.

• Jack Evans : You've thought of me as stupid, weak-kneed, spineless, insipid, a coward.

  Joan Mason : Well?

  Jack Evans : Well, I'm not a coward.

• Jack Evans : Believe me, if Clarabelle were your sister and you were my man, I'd be more tolerant.

  Joan Mason : And if I were your man, I'm not so sure I'd go around with a girl who was so weak-willed. It doesn't make sense, but, it has a good moral.

  Jack Evans : But, honey...

  Joan Mason : Don't honey, *but* me.

• Jack Evans : Joan, you've got to listen to me. We can't go on like this. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Wherever I go, I see your face. It's horrible! I mean, the way I suffer.

  Joan Mason : "My heart is ice and no fine word shall melt it." Robert Browning - or, was it Dick Tracy?

• Joan Mason : She may be English, but, that look I saw in her eye is international.

• Joan Mason : It isn't her fault. Some people are born pigeon-toed. Some people are born knock-kneed. She just happened to be born a lady. We all have our bad points.

• Joan Mason : I can handle every man, but, my own.

• Tom McGrath : I don't think I've got a chance at locating her.

  Joan Mason : How do you like that. And it should be so easy. Why, there're only about 9 million people in New York and half of 'em are men, aren't they? That leaves only four and a half million women.

  Tom McGrath : Well, that narrows it down a little.

  Joan Mason : And couple million of 'em are old ladies. And a couple a million are children. That leaves only a half million girls around Jill's age. And out of a half million, only a couple a thousand can be English girls. And out of a couple a thousand, only fifty are beautiful. And out of fifty, how many can dance ballet? I'd say about six. How do you like that? Only six girls to look for.

• Joan Mason : [in a Scandals sketch]  My lover.

  Jack Evans : My darling.

  [knock at the door] 

  Joan Mason : My husband!

• Jack Evans : [in a Scandals sketch]  Now, give me the name of the state where this gentleman was born.

  Joan Mason : Uh?

  Jack Evans : If the state was a woman, her husband's name would be Mr. Ippi.

  Joan Mason : How long were they married?

  Jack Evans : If Mr. Ippi had a son, his name would be Master Ippi. If he had a daughter, her name would be Miss Ippi.

  Joan Mason : What's his wife's first name?

  Jack Evans : Come, come, Princess. Times up. I guess the Princess misses the point.

  Joan Mason : Mississippi!