Air Raid Wardens (1943)
Oliver Hardy: Oliver Hardy
Photos
Quotes
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Dan Madison : Look, fellas, Uncle Sam wants everybody. There's plenty to be done right here in the home front. Why, I have a job for you. Here, take some of these posters.
Stanley : Where?
Dan Madison : Everywhere! We're having a big meeting tonight in the high school gym.
Oliver : What for?
Dan Madison : The war effort!
Oliver : That's right! There's a job to be done - right here at home!
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Oliver : Why don't you watch what you're doing?
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Oliver : Don't worry, Mr. Norton, now. We'll have you out in a jiffy!
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Oliver : Now look what you've done!
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Dan Madison : Boys, I hate to do this; but, I'll have to ask you to turn in your equipment.
Oliver : Now, Mr. Madison, surely you don't believe we were drunk last night?
Dan Madison : I'm sorry. The decision has been made. It's for the good of the service.
Stanley : You mean, they're better without us?
J.P. Norton : You men have caused nothing but trouble. First, you wrecked the gymnasium. Then you wrecked me. And now, drunk.
Stanley : Well, you know best. When we couldn't get in the Army or the Navy, Mr. Madison told us that we could do this kind of work and - it made us happy. We tried hard. But, I guess we're not smart like other people. But, if we can do something for our country, by not doing this work, we'll do that too. We'll do anything that Uncle Sam wants us to do. Won't we Ollie?
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Stanley : We'll go down the street.
Oliver : We'll put them on both sides, so that they can see them coming and going.
[Ollie sings to himself while brushing paste onto a poster]
Oliver : [Stan accidentally puts a poster on Ollie's back, and removes it]
[Ollie brushes the poster onto a sandwich board]
Oliver : [sighs] Are you putting that one on upside - - oof - - down? Ohh!
[throws some poster paste at Stanley, which hits Mrs. Norton as she's coming out of the bank]
Oliver : Ooh!
Millicent Norton : Ugh!
Oliver : Ohh.
[Stanley brushes some poster paste in Ollie's face, knocking Ollie's hat off]
Oliver : Oof! Ugh.
Millicent Norton : Look at my dress, you've ruined my new dress!
Stanley : It wasn't me, lady, it was him
[hits Ollie in the face with his paste brush]
Oliver : Ohh!
Millicent Norton : What are you supposed to be doing, anyway?
Stanley : We're putting up bills, you see, for the gym...
Millicent Norton : Oh, the idea!
Stanley : Excuse me, maybe I can help you.
[Stan takes Mrs. Norton's handekerchief and tries to clean her clothes]
Millicent Norton : [frustratedly] Oh thank you! Good day!
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Stanley : 111 Main Street.
Oliver : [pretending the building is on fire for emergency training] Hey,you can't go in there! That place is a blazing inferno of flames and smoke, where one false step might mean sudden death, it says here.
Stanley : Well, what'll we do if it's burn-...
Oliver : We'll crawl in.
Stanley : How are we gonna crawl in - - ?
Oliver : Get down on your knees and quit arguing!
[Stanley crawls into the building and briefly stands up]
Oliver : Get down.
[Stan and Ollie crawl in together]
Stanley : [they stand up] How do you do, Mr Norton?
Oliver : Careful, Mr. Norton, this place is on fire.
Stanley : Yeah, we've come to rescue you.
J.P. Norton : That's just what I was afraid of. All right, let's get started, boys.
Oliver : Yes sir.
[reads instruction card]
Oliver : "Fractured right arm, fractured right leg, possible jaw fracture, burns on the face." Mm-mm-mm. Uh, you'd better lie down, Mr. Norton.
Stanley : Yeah, and we'll fix you up right away.
J.P. Norton : Gentlemen, I want to cooperate, but uh, are you sure this is the place you were sent to?
Oliver : Oh, why certainly, I've got our orders right on a piece of paper.
Stanley : Show 'em to him, Ollie.
Oliver : Just a second, sir.
Stanley : We wouldn't come here without orders, you know. We've certainly-...
Oliver : I've lost it.
Stanley : You'd better call headquarters to be sure.
Oliver : Pardon us again, Mr. Norton; come, Stanley.
Stanley : We'll be right back.
[pushes a block-and-tackle hook away which knocks Mr. Norton unconscious]
Stanley : Look, he changed his mind.
Oliver : I thought he would.
[walks over to Mr. Norton]
Oliver : Thanks for cooperating, Mr. Norton.
Stanley : That's the spirit.
Oliver : Get me that plank.
[Stan brings a wooden truck bed rail over and accidentally hits Ollie from behind]
Oliver : Oof! Why don't you watch what you're doing? Put that plank down. There, now slide him over, easy now; easy, easy, that's it.
[Stan rolls Mr. Norton onto the boards]
Oliver : Now let's see: fractured back, raise that plank.
[Ollie gets out some gauze strip bandages and wraps them onto Mr. Norton]
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Oliver : [Stanley makes a whistling sound while sleeping with his gas mask on; Ollie wakes up] Take that thing off.
[Stan takes off his gas mask]
Oliver : And get that whistle out of your mouth!
Oliver : Now go to sleep.
[telephone rings, Stan mistakes it for an alarm clock]
Oliver : [Stan puts on his air raid warden's helmet] Take that off! Will you go to sleep, please?
Oliver : [telephone rings again] See who that is.
[Stan gets out of bed and steps on a bicycle horn as he goes to the front door]
Oliver : [telephone rings, Stan closes the front door and steps on the bike horn again]
[Stan sighs as he gets back into bed]
Oliver : Well, who was it?
Stanley : It's the telephone.
Oliver : Oh.
[phone rings]
Oliver : Telephone?
[Ollie gets up, answers the phone]
Oliver : Laurel and Hardy, bicycles, burglar alarms, locks and keys.
Capt. Biddle : Biddle calling, blue alert. Proceed to your post, stand by for the red.
Oliver : We're on our way!
Oliver : Blue alert, come on, get dressed! We've got to get right on duty, right away!
[Stan and Ollie start dressing themselves]
Oliver : [Stan blows his whistle] Oh, put that whistle down and get dressed!
Capt. Biddle : Red alert!
[air raid sirens start blowing]
Capt. Biddle : Red alert!
[people all over town start turning their lights off]
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Oliver : We're going over to the meeting and get our equipment. Are you coming, Mr. Middling?
Eustace Middling : I'll be over in a little while.
Oliver : Okay.
Stanley : Are we going to get helmets and everything?
Oliver : That's what he said.
Stanley : Gee, and gas masks?
Oliver : That's right.
Stanley : And "whis-tels"?
Oliver : Of course "whit-sells".
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[Stan and Ollie go to Mr. Bledsoe's front door]
Oliver : [Stan blows his whistle] Not the whistle, ring the bell!
[Stan pushes the doorbell repeatedly]
Joe Bledsoe : Well, if it isn't the boys from the bicycle shop. And what are you looking for? Trouble, I hope.
Oliver : Oh no no, no trouble. Will you please put your lights out, sir? Thank you.
Stanley : Thank you. He was very nice, wasn't he?
Oliver : Yes, well that's that, then.
[Stan and Ollie see the lights are still on, and go back to the front door, ringing the doorbell again]
Joe Bledsoe : [Mr. Bledsoe points at Ollie, then looks at Stan] If you don't stop ringing that bell, I'm gonna throw him in your face!
Oliver : Nevertheless sir, I must insist that you turn your lights off. And if not, would you mind pulling down your shades?
Joe Bledsoe : Would you like to pull them down for me?
Oliver : Oh, I'd be glad to, it'd be quite a pleasure, sir.
[chuckles nervously]
Oliver : [Ollie and Mr. Bledsoe alternately turn the house's circuit breaker switch on and off]
Disturbed Sleeper : [calls Mr. Biddle] The people across the street are signalling to the Japs!
Capt. Biddle : Right away.
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[Stan and Ollie walk up to Mr. Bledsoe's house]
Oliver : [Stan blows into his whistle] Not the whistle, ring the bell!
[Stan pushes the doorbell several times]
Joe Bledsoe : [Mr. Bledsoe opens his front door] Well, if it isn't the boys from the bicycle shop. And what are you looking for? Trouble, I hope.
Oliver : Oh no no, no trouble. Will you please put your lights out, sir? Thank you.
Stanley : Thank you. He was very nice, wasn't he?
Oliver : Yes, well that's that, then.
[Stan and Ollie see the lights are still on, and go back to the front door, ringing the doorbell again]
Joe Bledsoe : [Mr. Bledsoe opens the door, pointing to Ollie, then Stan] If you don't stop ringing that bell, I'm gonna throw him in your face!
Oliver : Nevertheless sir, I must insist that you turn your lights off. And if not, would you mind pulling down your shades?
Joe Bledsoe : Would you like to pull them down for me?
Oliver : Oh, I'd be glad to, it'd be quite a pleasure, sir.
[chuckles nervously]
Oliver : [Ollie and Mr. Bledsoe alternately turn the house's circuit breaker switch on and off]
Disturbed Sleeper : [calls Capt. Biddle] The people across the street are signalling to the Japs!
Capt. Biddle : Right away!
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Stanley : What do we do?
Oliver : We've got to stop those spies, we'll warn Dan.
Stanley : That's a good idea.
Oliver : No no no no no, out the window.
Stanley : [Stan opens the window, accidentally kicking the ladder to the ground] Aah, ooh, aah, ooh!
Oliver : [Ollie pulls Stan back in the window] Now how are we going to get word to Dan?
Stanley : Let's call him up, we'll tell him right away we're going to...
Oliver : Put that down, that's a radio.
Stanley : What's this for?
Oliver : A carrier pigeon, lock that door.
Oliver : Get that pigeon.
[Ollie writes a note while sitting at the desk]
Oliver : Listen
[reads from letter]
Oliver : "Dear Dan, we are trapped on the second floor of the Moonbeam Inn on Highway 51. The place is a nest of Nazi spies; they're going to blow up the magnesium plant at 5:00. Bring help at once, we mean it, urgent. With fondest regards, yours truly, Laurel and Hardy, ex-air raid wardens." How's that?
[folds letter]
Oliver : [puts letter in pigeon's delivery tube] Now, there.
[points to portrait of Hitler on the wall]
Oliver : You've got to get up early in the morning to fool us.
[to Stan]
Oliver : Throw it out the window.
Stanley : Does it know where to go?
Oliver : Now pigeon, you go straight to Huxton,
Stanley : Yeah, and find Mr. Madison, he's the editor of the paper.
[Stan sets the pigeon flying out the window]
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Oliver : [the German spies head for their upstairs office, knocking on door] Who's there?
Rittenhause : [in a disguised voice] It's Dan.
Oliver : We're rescued, give me the key.
Stanley : I gave it to you...
Oliver : Oh did you? I don't remember you giving me the key
Oliver : I'm sure that you're - Just a minute, Dan, be right with you.
Oliver : I tell you, you did not give me the -
[gasps]
Oliver : Oh.
Rittenhause : So sorry, gentlemen.
[looks at watch]
Rittenhause : We leave for the plant immediately. Heydrich, you take care of our friends here.
Heydrich : When?
Rittenhause : At your pleasure, of course. Come.
Oliver : Well, good-bye.
Heydrich : Freeze.
[Ollie's knees start knocking, Stan starts whimpering]
Heydrich : Hey, you.
[Ollie points to himself]
Heydrich : No, you.
[motions for a whimpering Stan to approach]
Heydrich : Stop.
[hands Stan an apple]
Heydrich : No! Put that apple on his head.
[Stan points to Ollie's head]
Heydrich : Yeah. Go ahead.
Heydrich : Now come here.
[Stan cautiously approaches]
Heydrich : Turn around.
[puts a gun to Stan's back, then hands it to Stan]
Heydrich : Here, now shoot that apple off his head. Go ahead, no monkey business.
Stanley : [whimpers] He's my pal!
Heydrich : Go ahead!
Stanley : Good-bye, Ollie!
[Ollie waves nervously; Stan successfully shoots the apple away, it lands in the mouth of Hitler's portrait]
Oliver : Ha!
Heydrich : Heil Hitler!
[Stan and Ollie wrestle Heydrich for control of the gun]
Oliver : Urgh!
[a moose's head lands on Heydrich's head, knocking him unconscious]
Oliver : Quick, the gun! Get - You, you! Get the wire. We'll tie him up, just like Mr. Norton.
[ties up Heydrich]
Oliver : Ah, there we are.
[puts a moose's head on Heydrich]
Stanley : Now he does look like Mr. Norton!
Oliver : Yeah, ha ha!
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Oliver : [Stan and Ollie enter a roadside diner] Give me two nickels for a dime, quick.
[Stan hands Ollie the nickels]
Oliver : Thank you.
[Ollie calls the Air Raid HQ]
Operator 14 : Here it is.
[picks up phone]
Operator 14 : Operator 14, what is the incident?
Oliver : Incident? In -
[turns to Stan]
Oliver : She thinks I'm Mr. Norton.
Stanley : Well, be Mr. Norton, tell her about the magnesia plant.
Oliver : [impersonating Mr. Norton] Oh um,
[clears throat]
Oliver : oh yes, incident. Ajax magnesium plant, this afternoon, 5 o'clock, they're going to blow it up with 145 incendiary bombs
Stanley : Mr. -
[interrupts Ollie through out the call]
Oliver : 72 casualties, 156 German parachutes, all water mains broken, pestilence, famine, everything, be there at 5 o'clock, don't forget, good-bye.
[hangs phone up]
Oliver : [to Stan] Now what are you trying to tell me?
Stanley : I was trying to tell you about Mr. Hittelmouse...
Oliver : It's not "Hittelhouse", it's Mittelhaus, and what about him? He's not going to blow up the plant.
Stanley : I know, but they won't catch him, you see, he's with the air raid wardens, they...
Oliver : So what, he's with the air -
[Ollie suddenly realizes Mittelhause's role in the plot]
Oliver : Ohh!
[indistinct]
Oliver : Thank you very much, lady!
