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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
SVEN-OLE THORSON AND JESSE VENTURA: BEST DUO OF ALL TIME?, April 17 2004
"Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe" is the best thing ever filmed in northern Ontario. A "thrilling" chase opens this unintentional comedic masterwork, which features many "all-time" moments, such as:MOST PATHETIC CAMEO OF ALL TIME: I don't know how they got Jim Belushi to drive out to Thornbury to be in Abraxas, but he appears in the worst scene in the film. Somebody must have done him one hell of a favour, because there's no way he did this for money - since the producers clearly had none. MOST INAPPROPRIATE SCORE OF ALL TIME: Lame saxophone and soft jazz should never be combined with fights and chases - let alone the sketchy scene with a half-naked Ventura and a young boy where Abraxas' "tale of two men" bit comes off as disturbing, and thus funny. LEAST PLOT EXPLANATION OF ALL TIME: If you can tell me what "the colmater" is (beyond the fact that it's the kid) I'd really like to know. Also, the exact nature of the "anti-life equation" (and the equally sinister "anti-life universe")is open to debate. All of these diverse elements combine to form some serious low-budget hilarity. Ventura and Thorson discussing the anti-life equation is right up there with Monty Python's Dead Parrot bit as far as I'm concerned. If you don't laugh at this movie you are either soulless or retarded. "Bring me the colmater!"
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2 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
A B R A X A S, April 1 2004
Well, the film is strange. First of all the name ABRAXAS itself is the name of the highest GOD for the Gnostics of the 2nd and 3rd century A.D. Abraxas is supposed to be the GOD that is above ALL and that governs and spreads JUSTICE in the UNIVERSE. Nothing is higher than ABRAXAS. (Carl Jung and Hermann Hesse have mentioned this GOD in their books).
ABRAXAS, who is a "policeman" in this film, represents the ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY, and ABSOLUTE JUSTICE and BRINGER OF ORDER in the Universe. ABRAXAS can not even mix sexually with other races, otherwise he would not be able to perform justice in the universe. The function of ABRAXAS is too high to become too low.
The film is quite simple, quasi-primitive, very funny, with not good color, but it has, in ITS ESSENCE, a universal truth.
This film is not for everybody. To understand this film, you'd rather have a good background on basic christian gnosticism. Then, the film becomes a very funny expresion of a very interesting religious conception of the universe and of subtle philosophical truths on ethical absolutism.
Try to rent the film. I bought it because I love that funny GOD of the ancient Gnostics. I am a fan of the GOD ABRAXAS. The movie is cool, but not as cool as the philosophical tractates on Abraxas from the beginning of the Christian Era.
Another source for ABRAXAS is that enigmatic writting of Basilides of Alexandria called SEPTEM SERMONES AD MORTUOS, 1916, transcribed by Carl Jung.
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"Bring me the comater, or I will kill all these children... one at the time! ", Jun 8 2008
Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe has a very good chance of being mentioned during any discussion of bad movies. It really is a bad movie, yet, to my surprise (if not shame), I didn't hate it nearly as much as I should have, which just serves as further proof that there is obviously something wrong with me. It's certainly not that I like Jesse Ventura, the star of this film - the man was a bigger joke as a governor than he was as a wrestler. Speaking of jokes, Abraxas comes loaded with plenty of unintentional comedy, including one of the oddest cameos (featuring a young Jim Belushi) I've ever seen. Abraxas' infamous line "My box has VD ... trust me" is just a drop in the cheesy cinematic bucket.
Jesse Ventura is, of course, Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe. I would quantify that by saying it's in name only because he is routinely beaten up by his nemesis (and ex-partner) Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen). You'd think a man with over 10,000 years of experience and a genetically strengthened body could do some real damage to an opponent, but apparently not. At least Ventura doesn't sport any of those ridiculous boas he used to wear in the ring. In his defense, though, he does have a most worthy opponent in Secundus (Thorsen). This guy is all business, an emotionless man of steel who goes through anything that gets in his way - and he has a cool scar across his face that makes him look even tougher. Secundus was once Abraxas' partner, but he chose to turn rogue and pursue unlimited power. For some reason, the pathway to godhood involves Secundus warping down to Earth, finding a breedable female, and getting her pregnant. The resulting child will be "the comater" and somehow come to know the "Anti-Life Equation" that will allow Secundus to secure unlimited power for himself (unless the child accidentally destroys the whole universe first). Abraxas is sent to stop this from happening.
Sonia Murray (Marjorie Bransfield) is the lucky lady who gives birth to the comator (aka Tommy). Fortunately for her, the child is conceived in a most unconventional way, and the whole pregnancy only lasts a couple of minutes - and she gives birth to the child without even taking her pants off. Abraxas disobeys his orders to eliminate the woman and the child, so you know what that means - it's only a matter of time before he's forced to come back to Earth to try and stop Secundus from using the boy as his conduit for unlimited power.
I have no clue what that whole Anti-Life Equation is all about, and what the heck is a "comater," anyway? Quite frankly, nothing about this movie makes a whole lot of sense. Don't look for a bunch of emotional drama here, either, even though there's apparently some kind of weird love thing going on between Abraxas and Sonia - and some people like to question the nature of Abraxas' relationship with Sonia's young son. And the fight scenes? Terrible. I wouldn't trust Abraxas to guard a chicken coop, let alone the entire universe. Thank goodness we have Secundus' comical interactions with human beings to entertain us - as well as Jim Belushi's brief appearance as the dumbest principal in the history of the world. There's no shortage of things to make fun of here, and I guess that's why I didn't hate the film as much as I should have.
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