- Strip the phony tinsel off Hollywood and you'll find the real tinsel underneath.
- I made a comment to a newspaper about therapists saying that people should not become dependent on them and it got printed as, "The rapists say . . . "
- My psychiatrist once said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone".
- A musical is a series of catastrophes ending with a floor show.
- In some situations I was difficult, in odd moments impossible, in rare moments loathsome, but at my best unapproachably great.
- I'm a controversial figure. My friends either dislike me or hate me.
- I hate cold showers. They stimulate me, and then I don't know what to do.
- [to his friend George Gershwin] Tell me, George, if you had it to do over, would you fall in love with yourself again?
- Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
- I am no more humble than my talents require.
- I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
- The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
- There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
- I admire Leonard Bernstein, but not as much as he does. Lennie has no humor about his egomania. I do.
- I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
- [on Perry Como] I'm convinced that his voice comes out of his eyelids.
- It's not what you are but what you don't become that hurts.
- [on Steve Allen] When I can't sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.
- I smile so seldom that I wonder at Arlene Francis, who smiles persistently. Like the Sorceror's Apprentice, once she turns it on can she turn it off?
- When I was young, I looked like Al Capone but I lacked his compassion.
- Today I'm a neurotic basket case. My health is so bad that I might as well be the next Premier of India.
- [on Orson Welles] Sometimes he was inaudible--those were his best moments.
- [on his role in Rhythm on the River (1940)] I played an unsympathetic part--myself.
- [about his first meeting with Marilyn Monroe] I said something to her and Jean Peters questioned my grammar. That was one of the nadir points of my career, to have my grammar corrected in front of Marilyn Monroe.
- I have given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.
- Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
- What the world needs is more geniuses with humility. There are so few of us left.
- An evening with [George Gershwin] was a Gershwin evening. There were recurrent lengthy references to his piano playing, his composing, his conducting, his painting--marcato monologues in alla breve, which George's audiences absorbed with the fascinating attentiveness of a Storm-trooper listening to one of [Adolf Hitler's] well-modulated firehouse chats.
- Geo. Gershwin: I wonder if my music will be played in a hundred years' time? Oscar: If you're still around, George, it will be.
- My last picture for Warners was Romance on the High Seas. It was Doris Day's first picture; that was before she became a virgin.
- Now that Marilyn Monroe is kosher, Arthur Miller can eat her.
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