Quotes

At his final show: "This is the material, by the way, that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for the past 15 years. Gee, I wonder why we're hated the world over? Look at these fat Americans in the front row - 'Why doesn't he just hit fruit with a hammer?' Folks, I could have done that, walked around being a millionaire and franchising myself but no, I had to have this weird thing about trying to illuminate the collective unconscious and help humanity. Fucking moron."

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic.

I love going to the movies. So I'm watching Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) and I'm thinking 'you know what? There is no way that you will ever be able to top these special effects in a movie again, you cannot top this shit.' Unless we started using terminally ill stunt people in the motion picture industry.

I hate patriotism...I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.

[asked where a comedian should draw the line] There are no lines. There are no lines. I say, erase all the lines.

The day they find a cure for HIV there will be fucking in the streets. It's over!

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

I was reading in a Waffle House and this waitress comes up to me and says "What you reading for?" Gee, no-one's ever asked me that. What am I reading FOR? Did I just come out of an AA closet with reading? I read, there, I said it, I feel better. I read for many reasons, one of which is so that I don't end up as a ******* waffle waitress! Then this hillybilly comes up and says "Weeeell lookee here, looks like we got ourselves a reader!"

A lot of christians wear crosses. ya think if jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a ******* cross?

Anyone here work in Advertising? [Cheers] Kill yourselves! You're Satan's Little Helpers right there!

This redneck comes up to me and says "You were real funny, I was about to spit!" "Well, I'm glad I reached you." "Come here", he says "I want you to meet my wife and sister!" And there's one woman standing there...