- [what he wanted inscribed on his tombstone] No flowers, please. I'm allergic.
- A good play, a good radio show, or a good television program is a marriage of the talents of performer and writer. But if the bride never sees the groom and the marriage is never consummated---well, you know what that makes the brain child.
- Before each game, an announcement is made that anyone interfering with or touching a batted ball will be ejected from the park. Please advise Mr. Mize that this doesn't apply to him. [referring to Johnny Mize, an inept fielding baseball player]
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