- Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
- If life was fair, Elvis [Elvis Presley] would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
- If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of the television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
- Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
- New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
- The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
- Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
- [December 1967, interview in "Playboy" magazine] It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it-- big money--is a fine-and-dandy side fact. Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money. I'm concerned about values--moral, ethical, human values--my own, other people's, the country's, the world's values. Having money now gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.
- [December 1967, interview in "Playboy" magazine] Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.
- [on late-night television programs] We're more effective than birth control pills.
- [1993, interview in "The Washington Post"] I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
- I'm often asked, "What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted ["The Tonight Show"]?" I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous "Tomahawk Toss" that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.
- I wanted the show to make the most of being the last area of television that the medium originally was supposed to be - live, immediate entertainment. I decided the best thing I could do was forget trying to do a lot of pre-planning. It all boiled down to just going out there and being my natural self and seeing what would happen.
- [on the spontaneous nature of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962)] I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it. Like George Burns said, "If it gets a laugh, it's funny."
- [on why The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962) avoided controversial topics] I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
- [on his public persona] I'm basically not a public person. It's like [Jackie Gleason] said, "If you go out all the time to restaurants and so on, people say, 'Oh, he's everywhere', and if you stay home and eat dinner, they say, 'Oh, he's a recluse'."
- [December 1967 interview by 'Alex Haley (I)' in "Playboy" magazine, on speculation that he was anti-social] I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself. I feel that is my right, and anybody who disagrees with that, that's his business. Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
- [To frequent guest Joan Embery, of The San Diego Zoo, after the marmoset she had brought had climbed on Carson's head and urinated] I'm glad you didn't bring a baby elephant.
- [on the secrecy behind his nightly monologue] It's always been a ritual with me. I don't show it to Freddie [executive producer Frederick De Cordova] or Ed [sidekick Ed McMahon] or anybody. If you don't show it to anybody, then you get fresh reactions.
- [May 1991] I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
- [July 1991] In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It'll be sometime next year. Why can't a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?
- If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
- I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.
- [on Ronald Reagan] The President has asked for severe cuts in aid to the arts and humanities. It's Reagan's strongest attack on the arts since he signed with Warner Brothers.
- Egyptian President Sadat [Anwar Sadat] had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon [Richard Nixon] at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
- I've seen Don [Don Rickles] entertain 50 times and I've always enjoyed his joke.
- We have certain high standards on this show and some day we hope to live up to them.
- I still, believe it or not, have dreams in which I am late for The Tonight Show It's a performer's nightmare, apparently. I've checked with other people, and it occurs to them frequently. And it's frightening. Because I'm not prepared. It's show time and I'm going on-and I've got nothing to say! Jesus! I wake up in a sweat.
- I think I left at the right time. You've got to know when to get the hell off the stage, and the timing was right for me. The reason I really don't go back or do interviews is because I just let the work speak for itself.
- [on returning to NBC] That ain't gonna happen. That ain't gonna happen. Uh-uh. I know NBC means well. But I am retired. I ain't going back on television. I made that decision a long time ago and it's served me well.
- [to Miss Piggy who had asked him, 'Can you stand there in your rented tuxedo and honestly say that I am not Oscar material?'] Oscar Meyer, maybe.
- We played in England for a while and we were not, as you say, a big smash. It's a pretty Americanised show and I think one of the problems was that here we're on every night, night after night, and I think the show played in London at different times late at night and only once a week, and I don't think that people got the chance to really get into the rhythm.
- You don't have long to get used to Benny Hill. You can laugh right away. He's a funny guy.
- [asked why he didn't keep the controversial edge that his predecessor Jack Paar has brought to The Tonight Show] I think that shows that have gone in just for controversy, to bring on two people of opposing view is very easy night after night. It's easier to that kind of show then it is to get laughs.
- [asked about his goal in life] To be a good person, a worthy citizen, and to rip NBC off for everything they've got.
- [during his monologue] My name is Johnny Carson, I've devoted a lifetime to comedy, and the next 90 minutes are going to seem like a lifetime to you.
- [to Frank Sinatra] When you're in a romantic mood, whose records do you put on?
- [on his first night hosting The Tonight Show] I have only one feeling as I stand here knowing that so many people are watching - I want my na-na!
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