Something Old, Something New...
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- DirectorWalter GraumanStarsBruce BoxleitnerLinda EvansGenie FrancisA T. V. show along the lines of a soap opera which centers on one young woman, Tiger Hayes, as she starts up a perfume company. The usual soap plots of adultery, romance, corruption, and greed abound.CBS was king of the prime time soaps which were at the top of the ratings throughout the 80s. Besides juggernauts like FALCON CREST & DALLAS star-studded mini-series like PAPER DOLLS, RETURN TO EDEN and BARE ESSENCE were vying for a slot on the schedule. Robert JACQUELINE SUSANN'S VALLEY OF THE DOLLS Grauman created the 2 part mini series based on the the vapid best selling paperback by Meredith Rich. The director chose Robert Hamilton to adapt the globe-trotting drama for the TV screen . Hamilton also worked on the high profile BONANZA reboot PONDEROSA, you may remember.
The A-List cast included Linda DYNASTY Evans as the oft married Lady Bobbi, Lee VALLEY OF THE DOLLS Grant as the oft widowed Ava Marshall & the Queen of daytime television Genie Francis as the woman everyone wants to love, possess or destroy ... Tyger Hayes! Francis played Laura on GENERAL HOSPITAL on & off since 1977 & by the time she was cast as Tyger Hayes was an Emmy winning, internationally known actress with a tremendous fan base. Her casting generated a lot of buzz. The always reliable Bruce THE SCARECROW AND MRS. KING Boxleitner & the usually charming Joel BEST OF THE WEST Higgins play 2 of the grieving heiress' many lovers. The movie was a hit with audiences & creators Grauman & Hamilton were invited to produce BARE ESSENCE as a weekly series for NBC. Unfortunately of that exceptional cast only Francis would commit to the 1983 show.
Other artists co-starring in this romantic claptrap about board rooms and bed hopping include John DYNASTY II: THE COLBYS Dehner, Susan CAPTAIN AMERICA II: DEATH TOO SOON French, John BOSTON LEGAL Larroquette, Donna LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDORED THING Mills, Maidie WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE? Norman, Margan FAME Stevens, Johnathan STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION Frakes, Belinda MAN FROM ATLANTIS Montgomery, Tim QUARK Thomerson and Wendy KNOTS LANDING Fulton as Ava's slightly insane daughter Muffin.
BARE ESSENCE was a slickly produced melodrama I quite enjoyed watching again 4 decades later. - CreatorRobert HamiltonStarsGenie FrancisIan McShaneJennifer O'NeillThis is the story of a young woman thrust into the perfume industry: will she fail or succeed against the odds?Robert Hamilton had a very respectable track record having worked on popular brands like JAKE AND THE FAT MAN and SPENSER: FOR HIGHER while his directorial partner Walter Grauman shot entire seasons of MURDER, SHE WROTE but cut his teeth on ABC MOVIE MOVIES OF THE WEEK like CROWHAVEN FARM. Their 1982 mini-series adaption of Meredith Rich's trashy paperback best seller was a huge success for CBS who had DALLAS and SECRETS OF MIDLAND HEIGHTS cluttering up their soapy schedule already. NBC who fell flat on their faces with expensive BOMBS like FLAMINGO ROAD and THE YELLOW ROSE throughout the era of decadent prime time drama leapt at the chance to finally chart their own guilty pleasure ala MODELS INC. or CENTRAL PARK WEST. Sadly, this lavishly produced, all-star soap FLOPPED as spectacularly as BERRINGERS.
With only GENERAL HOSPITAL's Genie Francis returning from the main cast BARE ESSENCE revolved around the over-hyped Tyger Hayes whom the fans didn't embrace. Her fanbase was devoted to 'Luke and Laura' and not thrilled she jumped the daytime ship to headline another series. Ava Marshall was played to the hilt by Jessica 90210 Walters while Jennifer SCANNERS O'Neal played Tyger's aloof mother Lady Bobbi.
Jonathan ROSWELL Frakes, Morgan MELROSE PLACE Stevens, Michael DYNASTY Nader, Ian JOHN WICK CHAPTER 4 McShane & Jamie THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS Lynn Baurer co-starred along with Wendy KNOTS LANDING Fulton as Ava's slightly insane daughter Muffin.
BARE ESSENCE was poised to become a genuine cult classic within the genre but failed to find an audience & was cancelled after only 11 episodes made it to air. The program was rebroadcast to more appreciative European viewers throughout the 80s. - DirectorStuart RosenbergStarsJames BrolinMargot KidderRod SteigerNewlyweds and their three children move into a large house where a mass murder was committed. They start to experience strange, inexplicable manifestations which have strong effects on everyone living in or visiting the house.THE AMITYVILLE HORROR was based on an insanely well promoted novel by the obscure Jay Anson shortly before his death. The hoax devised by George & Kathy Lutz primarily was intended to exploit a real tragedy that occurred at 112 Ocean Avenue prior to their purchase of the 'possessed' house. In 1974 a young man named Ron Defoe shot gun massacred his sleeping family there one dark and stormy night! The Lutz family (including 3 children) are soon under attack themselves by the mostly invisible evil spirits, if the book is to be taken seriously.
The novel sold millions of copies cementing it's rep among devotees of Charles Berlitz' THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE or Erich Von Daniken's CHARIOTS OF THE GODS. Comic book scribe John G. Jones wrote 4 increasing ridiculous 'authorised' Lutz adventures with Robin Karl's Amityville: The Nightmare Continues lastly considered canon. It was an unusually hot commercial property for B-movie studio American International Pictures to acquire so soon before their bankruptcy in 1980. They cast Canadian actress Margot Kidder fresh from the set of SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE & Babs boy toy James Brolin who appeared in the cult classic; THE CAR as the imperilled home owners. The actors share a sincere chemistry that helps keep you watching the pedestrian/sanitised supernatural mumbo jumbo as it predictably unfolds.
Three time Oscar winner Rod HOLLYWOOD WIVES Steiger steals every scene he's in with ease. He's so deliriously over the top you wish their was more of the tormented priest tasked with blessing the house. Five time Academy Award nominee Lalo VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED Schifrin took home a sixth for composing THE AMITYVILLE HORROR's haunting score.
Sandor AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES Stern faithfully adapted the book which contained little by way of explicit sexuality or gore. Dell THE INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS Rheaume & William METEOR Cruse barely lifted a finger by way of special visual effects. Director Stuart THE POPE OF GREENWICH VILLAGE Rosenberg allowed the cast to do the work instead of the makeup department.
I didn't dislike THE AMITYVILLE HORROR but never bought into the hype either. As an entertainment I'd rate it on par with Disney's THE WATCHER IN THE WOODS but fans expecting hardcore material will be disappointed. Followed by Dino de Laurentis' production of AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION. Formally remade by Michael Bay in 2005 - DirectorDamiano DamianiStarsJames OlsonBurt YoungRutanya AldaA dysfunctional family moves into a new house, which proves to be satanic, resulting in the demonic possession of their teenage son.Following the collapse of A.I.P. famed Italian producer Dino FLASH GORDON de Laurentis called dibs on the brand with this non sequitur, Mexican prequel. The latest John Jones novel The Amityville Horror II stunk so he was unwilling to negotiate with the originators of the infamous hoax George & Kathy Lutz for a bloated licensing fee. As luck would have it a new Amityville horror novel was just published by a writer named Hans Holzer. Murder In Amityville claimed to tell the 'true story' of Ron Defeo's murder rampage back in 1974. The book was a cash in devised between Holzer & Defeo's lawyer at the time. An excellent non fiction account of the Defeo murder trial called High Hopes: The Amityville Murders was in print also & I encourage anyone who's curious as to what really went down take a peep! It's much better than AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSSESSION.
The original poster stated in fine print AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION was NOT a sequel to THE AMITYVILLE HORROR in any way. The source material which was cleverly tied to the film was also largely ignored by the screen writers. Tommy HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH Lee Wallace got the credit but somebody named Doradano THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY Saccetti had their hands all over it first. This has a crude giallo aesthetic and relies heavily on the surge in popularity of make up designs fans saw more of since AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON's release 4 decades ago. The old school makeups & pyrotechnics were generously applied by Glen KING KONG Robertson & John AMITYVILLE 3D Caligone south of the border on the cheap for director Damiano THE TEMPTER Damiani.
The true story is a thing of the past from the opening credits on. The family is now the Montellis with loutish Burt THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS Young & Rutanya MOMMIE DEAREST Alda heading the dysfunctional brood. Their older teens appear to be auditioning for FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC but before you can say; brother humper he gets possessed by the devil! Can a priest save the family from a shotgun massacre? James THE SPELL Olson is a bland choice for an exorcist, btw. He's upstaged every step of the way by those 40 year old gooey prosthetic FX.
THE AMITYVILLE HORROR tried to be a faithful recreation of the Jay Anson bestseller and succeeded. AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION succeeds because the people who made it wanted to make a better horror movie. The prequel also recycled Lalo Schifrin's Oscar worthy score. One of Hans Holzers' other novels THE AMITYVILLE CURSE which was shot in 1990 & 2023 actually never saw a word of print make it to screen either. This minor haunted house hit was arguably no better or worse than the campy 1979 original but it's a much livelier a viewing experience. Followed by the Richard Fleischer catastrophe AMITYVILLE 3-D. - DirectorRichard FleischerStarsTony RobertsTess HarperRobert JoyA reporter moves into the Amityville house in defiance of the supernatural events connected to it, and finds everyone around him besieged by the evil manifestations which are connected to a demonic presence in the basement.Richard Fleischer was an Oscar winning director who hadn't made anything worth looking at since the 1973 sci fi classic SOYLENT GREEN. At the time he was responsible for a string of Razzie worthy BOMBS including MANDINGO, RED SONJA, MILLION DOLLAR MYSTERY and THE JAZZ SINGER. He would not have been my 1st choice to direct this high profile haunted house pic. He wouldn't have been my 15th choice either! What was producer Dino KING KONG LIVES! de Laurentis thinking? And then David Ambrose signed on to prepare the original screenplay dooming AMITYVILLE: THE DEMON (as it was known for television broadcast). Ambrose isn't someone you ever heard of but if you ever saw his 1981 adaption of the James Herbert horror novel THE SURVIVOR you'd understand why his name in the credits is never a good thing. He does to THE AMITYVILLE HORROR brand exactly what he did to Herbert's beloved novel; He RUINED it!
The grainiest looking 3-D effects since JAWS 3-D didn't help either. The entire visual fx crew looked as though they'd been cherry picked from the set of POLTERGEIST released the year before so you'd think the work would be 100 times better. The 3-D effects are a disgrace! Charles Band was doing cleaner visuals for awful videos like METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED SYN. Shooting in Mexico to cut cost obvs had an impact but there's also no question in my mind the team of special effects artists only had a fraction of the budget they had at their disposal for the Spielberg film.
The bright and appealing cast which includes Meg SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE Ryan, Lori FULLER HOUSE Loughlin, Robert CSI: NY Jay & Tess TENDER MERCIES Harper so early in their careers uniformly depressed me. What were they doing in this? And why in the name of God was Tony THE MILLION DOLLAR DUCK Roberts cast as the male lead? I'm not sure the guy had even seen a horror movie! They're all dragged kicking and screaming into this tedious nonsense about a possessed well.
AMITYVILLE 3-D was marketed as NOT A SEQUEL in the fine print but George & Kathy Lutz sued anyway hoping to drum up publicity for their book Amityville: The Final Chapter. Nobody cared. In the end as part 3-D BOMBED. It was a chore to sit through and remains the least interesting of the formal franchise. DEG would soon be forced into bankruptcy because of south of the border productions like AMITYVILLE 3-D and David Lynch's DUNE. The brand de Laurentis inherited from American International fell dead in it's tracks until the series revival in 1989. - DirectorSandor SternStarsPatty DukeJane WyattFredric LehneThe demonic forces in the Amityville house transfer to an ancient lamp, which finds its way to a remote California mansion where the evil manipulates a little girl by manifesting itself in the form of her dead father.Sandor JOHN & YOKO: A LOVE STORY Stern was a no-brainer to direct this unnecessary revival of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR franchise for NBC. Stern was best known for his respectable adaption of the Jay Anson novel. He does the same regurgitating the 'possessed lamp' chapter of John AMITYVILLE: IT'S ABOUT TIME Jones book as a teleplay. He makes no effort whatsoever to improve the preposterous story about a demonic lamp sold at an Amityville yardsale. The networks were scrambling to make TV movie sequels to faded brands...LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY'S BABY, OMEN IV: THE AWAKENING, PSYCHO IV: THE BEGINNING, etc. It was only a matter of time.
The god awful book 'authorized' as a true account of what happened after George and Kathy's RL divorce is recounted here. A yardsale at the haunted house results in a hideous lamp being shipped to California. Nobody suspects that Satan lives in the bulb or that it's planning to bloodlessly murdered all of them in keeping with tv movie standards at the time. You can't help but admire AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES because it's so jaw droppingly stupid.
A cast of pros play the material with consummate straight faces. They pay no attention whatsoever to to glowy floor model peeking at them when their backs are turned. Patty VALLEY OF THE DOLLS Duke, Jane FATHER KNOWS BEST: HOME FOR CHRISTMAS Wyatt, Brandy V: THE FINAL BATTLE Gold, Aron. PRAYER FOR. THE ROLLERBOYS Eisnor and Norman AUDREY ROSE Lloyd all deserved better than what they got!
There's not a scare to be had but plenty of unintentional snickers at the sight of Richard FIRESTARTER 2: REKINDLED Strutland''s pathetic lamp. The marketing of this tv movie sequel as the fourth was a smart step towards establishing the brand's identity moving forward. Followed by an unofficial sequel based on the Hans Holzer novel THE. AMITYVILLE CURSE in 1990. - DirectorTony RandelStarsStephen MachtShawn WeatherlyMegan WardAn architect brings home a mysterious old clock, not knowing that it's haunted by the demonic presence of the Amityville house. Soon, the clock begins to alter time and space and starts to possess members of the household.In the 80s comic book writer John Jones tried to diversify THE AMITYVILLE HORROR brand by excluding the Lutz family. His concept was the same used by producer Frank Mancuso for FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES. The show which was in 1st run syndication at the time AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL. ESCAPES saw publication concerned cursed objects. Jones forgettable Amityville spin-off kick-started the brand with a modestly successful TV movie sequel. That guilty pleasure featured a possessed lamp. This slightly superior sequel is about a satanic clock purchased at an Amityville garage sale.
Jones smartly entered into a production deal with Christopher WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE? Defaria. At the time Defaria was building his rep with solid direct-to-video fare like TREMORS 2: AFTERSHOCKS so his commitment to write & produce back-to-back Amityville sequels was a step in the right direction for the franchise. Defaria became a major player in Hollywood producing George Miller's MAD MAX: FURY ROAD and Steven Spielberg's READY PLAYER ONE.
This was the second feature for nondescript director Tony Randel who fans barely remember for HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II. AMITYVILLE 1992: IT'S ABOUT TIME doesn't even begin to approximate the 'Pinhead' pic as a special effects extravaganza however in one regard Randel excels. Randel captures the same energy as the Lemarchand puzzle box using the ever expanding guts of an evil clock. Peter Q: THE WINGED SERPENT Curan has just enough cash to make the clockworks fun to watch.
Stephen KNOTS LANDING Macht, Shawn BAYWATCH: PANIC ON MALIBU PIER Weatherly, Damon GHOULIES II Martin & Megan MELROSE PLACE Ward starred as the likeable clan hurled into supernatural displacements in the space/time continuum. Dick FAME Miller, Nina SUPERTRAIN Foch & Jonathan BLOODFIST VII: MANHUNT Pemmer filled out the charismatic cast.
This 5th film in THE AMITYVILLE HORROR series (not counting the in-name-only Canadian video THE AMITYVILLE CURSE made in 1990) may not have had a lavish budget like the de Laurentis sequels but Defaria got his money's worth with AMITYVILLE 1992... and it's immediate continuation AMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION. - DirectorJohn MurlowskiStarsRoss PartridgeJulia NicksonLala SloatmanAn old mirror from the Amityville house finds its way into a young photographer's home, where the demonic presence soon manifests itself to cause more death and mayhem.Christopher GRAVITY Defaria wrote/produced 2 direct-to-video sequels to THE AMITYVILLE HORROR as part of a deal with John Jones. Jones wrote 4 novels based on the 'true story' made famous by Jay Anson. His 3rd excluded the original hoaxters (George & Kathy Lutz) & chose instead to focus on cursed objects sold at an Amityville yardsale. The premise established by AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES was showing it's age by the time this formulaic haunted mirror pic rolled off the assembly line.
AMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION is a slick, generic, well-cast story about a loft dwelling co-op of artists who become possessed by the evil spirit of a mirror. The mirror is given to them by a guy who shogun massacred his family at 112 Ocean Avenue but he's not scripted as RL killer Ron DeFeo or as Sonny Montelli who showed up in AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION.
Richard SHAFT IN AFRICA Roundtree, Terry MILLENNIUM O'Quinn, Ross PROM NIGHT Partridge, Julia READY PLAYER ONE Nickson & David AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON Naughton fill the credit scroll nicely but none of them are putting the least bit of effort into this as if they were expecting the special effects to do the heavy lifting.
Tony Randel who made the similar AMITYVILLE 1992: IT'S ABOUT TIME had at least an affinity for the genre and made an impression with fans with HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II. Director John Murlowski only had the drab slasher pic THE RETURN OF THE FAMILY MAN to show by way of inexperience. I think he expected the visual artist team to sell this stale bit of cheese too! The fx team consisted of TV movie mainstays Allan DEVIL DOG: THE HOUND FROM HELL Blaisdell & Joshua THE HAUNTED Culp while the makeups were sparingly provided by Ed COWBOYS VS ZOMBIES Martinez. This tolerable video with a low bodycount a t least looks more polished than it is thanks to the Oscar winning cinematography of Wally Pfister who fans know today for his work on THE DARK KNIGHT trilogy. Followed by the superior AMITYVILLE: DOLLHOUSE. - DirectorSteve WhiteStarsRobin ThomasStarr AndreeffAllen CutlerA children's doll house, which is a miniature of the infamous haunted Long Island house, is given to a young girl where the demonic evil soon comes out to cause more terror.AMITYVILLE: DOLLHOUSE was the best of the 'cursed object' direct-to-video pics loosely spun off from AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES. Steve White who served as an executive producer on that cultish 1989 TV movie & every sequel since also more than capably directed this fast paced yarn about a pleasant family under attach by the evil spirit living inside a child's dollhouse. The toy is a reproduction of 112 Ocean Avenue; the birthplace of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR hoax.
The cast is filled with names you never bothered to get to know like Starr SCANNER COP Andreeff or Robin FROM THE DEAD OF NIGHT Thomas but the performers are uniformly engaging. Laura Schiff is a multiple Emmy Award winning casting director known for series like MAD MEN so know you're in good hands going in to this 7th official Amityville pic.
The visual effects artists played a more pro-active role than was required for the less entertaining AMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION. Josh 3 FROM HELL Foster, Larry THE CROW: SALVATION Roberts & Mark FULL TILT BOOGIE Allen have been given a few moments to shine.
I'm giving this unusually strong entry in the franchise an additional star for cinematographer Thomas Callaway who is a legend within the B-movie community. He's known for CREEPOZOIDS, TALES FROM THE HOOD 3, RAGIN' CAJUN REDNECK GATORS, SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE II & CLICK: THE CALENDAR GIRL MURDERS to name a few! He offers a lot of credibility to his pics by way of his experience. You'll see more of Callaway's skill on display than from Joshua SURVIVOR Michael Stern who wrote the standard issue screenplay. Not that I'm hating. AMITYVILLE: DOLLHOUSE is the best of the sequels to date, IMO. Followed by a brand reboot in 2005. - DirectorAndrew DouglasStarsRyan ReynoldsMelissa GeorgeJimmy BennettNewlyweds are terrorized by demonic forces after moving into a large house that was the site of a grisly mass murder a year before.Michael Bay hasn't always left a good impression with genre fans because his remakes (FRIDAY THE 13TH, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, THE HITCHER, etc) frequently compare badly to the originals. This reboot of the occasionally popular THE AMITYVILLE HORROR franchise is a welcome exception to the producers' spotty track record.
Most of the credit goes to screenwriter Scott Kosar who adapted the tame novel by Jay Anson & the original A.I.P. cult classic scripted by Sandor AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES Stern. He's done noteworthy work in recent years on projects like THE CRAZIES, THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE & THE BATES MOTEL. He does solid, respectable work. The director also did an OK job trying to amp up the material. Andrew Douglas was known for music videos rather than features but he manages to give this minor hit considerable visual appeal. A better cinematographer than Peter HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS Collister behind that camera would have helped. While I'm knit picking, the perfectly acceptable score Steve THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING Joblonski turned in doesn't even come close to being as effective as the Oscar nominated composition Lalo Schifrin wrote more than 4 decades ago.
Canadian actor Ryan DEADPOOL 2 Reynolds and MULHOLLAND DR. actress Melissa George are easily on par with James Brolin & Margot Kidder who first played the infamous hoaxters back in '79. Attention has also been paid casting the Lutz children this time around. Jimmy POSEIDON Bennett, Jesse THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT James and Chloe CARRIE Moritz help breathe life into this upscale remake. The family claims they were attacked by evil spirits at 112 Ocean Avenue not long after purchasing the 'cursed' house. Turns out the property was the scene of a multiple homicide in 1974.
KNB handled the practical makeup special effects. They're known for cable series like MONSTERS and the splatter in Larry Cohen's MANIAC COP 3: BADGE OF SILENCE while powerhouse Industrial Light and Magic provided the seamless CG elements. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR is arguably the best of the series but sadly it's still only slightly above average IMO. This modest box office hit was met with unenthusiastic reviews. Followed by the unreleasable AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING in 2017. - DirectorFranck KhalfounStarsJennifer Jason LeighBella ThorneMckenna GraceA desperate single mother moves with her three children into the notorious, supposedly haunted, real-life Amityville house to try and use its dark powers to cure her comatose son. Things go horribly wrong.Oscar winning actress & occasional Scream Queen Jennifer THE HITCHER Jason Leigh starred as the mother of a brain dead teen who moves her son & his twin sister to the infamous 112 Ocean Avenue. She hopes the satanic energy emitting from the secret red room will restore his health but his sister fears the possession will lead to a repeat of the DeFoe massacre. Bell DIRTY SEXY MONEY Thorne is great as Leigh's daughter and Cameron GOTHAM Managhan gets around to being fun to watch when the script finally lets him out of bed. The cast is uniformly excellent including Kurtwood THAT 90'S SHOW Smith as the neurologist at a loss to explain the young man's sudden recovery. As good as they all are none are capable of overcoming a script loaded with drek.
The special effects team also failed to deliver the much needed goods. The list of artists who contributed to AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING is as long as your arm. Many are staples at Blumhouse including Oscar winning make up artist Howard THE HATEFUL 8 Berger and you'll see their work in HALLOWEEN KILLS, THE INVISIBLE MAN and BLACK CHRISTMAS. What's not to love? As good as they are the main protagonist is a quadriplegic much of the time. Sometimes that device can work as it did in PATRICK but this set up isn't even as much fun as MONKEY SHINES. Game over.
Franck Khalfoun wrote & directed this unambitious but very polished looking horror movie. It's significantly better than MANIAC but somewhere along the way over 10 minutes of R rated scenes were cut by the studio to obtain a PG-13. AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING packs no punch. Test screenings were dismal so the movie sat on the shelf for nearly 4 years.
When AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING was finally released The Weinstein Company was closing it's doors because of multiple criminal & civil suits filed against Jewish film-maker Harvey Weinstein. The metoo movement declared the movie's catastrophic box office failure a victory for women. AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING made less than a grand before it was pulled from theatres and gifted to global streaming services with no fanfare. This 9th & final instalment compares well to AMITYVILLE 1992: IT'S ABOUT TIME and is par for the franchise imo. - DirectorTom BerryStarsKim CoatesDawna WightmanHelen HughesFive people spend the night in an abandoned house, an Amityville haunted house, and soon find themselves terrorized by assorted ghosts, venomous insects and ghostly apparitions.Hans Holzer was a new age vegan guru selling quackery like 'The UFO-nauts: New Proof of Extraterrestrial Landings' & 'Elvis Presley Speaks!' to whatever high school drop out who'd listen. He cut a deal with spree killer Ron DeFeo's lawyer to write a book about the killings. George & Kathy Lutz had a similar scam on the go entitled THE AMITYVILLE HORROR and weren't thrilled to see their intellectual property poached. Holzer's fictional account of the Defoe murders was marketed quite successfully as an unofficial prequel to the Jay Anson best-seller. Italian producer Dino de Laurentis bought the rights to Murder In Amityville and transformed it into a reasonably well made horror movie; AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION. While the Lutz hoaxters sued Ron DeFeo's sleazy lawyers for stealing their brand Hans put his tiny brain to work on his ultimate true account of what really caused the possession of 112 Ocean Avenue. He called it; THE AMITYVILLE CURSE!
The book is ridiculous trash that was made into a turgid Canadian rip off of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR. It was shot in Quebec inside a house that looks nothing like the infamous Long Island home.The plot was adapted poorly by people you've never heard of. This hoax states the bastard son of a murdered priest is to blame for the hauntings. 3 years later Holzer wrote yet another pirate themed explanation for the possession called The Secret of Amityville no one believed either. Tom Berry who is a businessman known for hundreds of film & tv productions directed without enthusiasm. He showed more talent behind the scenes filming the recent V.C. Andrew's LANDRY mini series. He tries to get by on haunted house cliches that would have made Bela Lugosi blush and the worst fx since STARSHIP INVASIONS! There was no money for special effects anyway but what little smoke and lights there was were provided by the crew of SNAKE EATER II: THE DRUG BUSTER which was filming nearby.
Two of Canada's more high profile actors appeared in this boring mockbuster; Jan ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS Rubes & Kim INNOCENT BLOOD Coates. Both are unusually bad but their material is cringe worthy at times. The rest of the cast should have been dubbed. Close your eyes and THE AMITYVILLE CURSE sounds like it was staged as downtown Toronto dinner theatre. Helen VISITING HOURS Hughes was the only other name I sorta knew from the cast and even she turned in an embarrassing performance.
In the new millennium the Amityville hoax is alive and well. THE AMITYVILLE CURSE which entirely failed to make an impression in 1990 was remade in 2023 against all better judgement. The adult children of George & Kathy Lutz are still selling their parents snakeoil just as Holzer's daughter sells his to a new generation of underachievers. - DirectorÉric TessierStarsMichael XavierTommie-Amber PirieJenny RavenA group of friends purchase an infamous home with the intention of flipping it, only to discover a deadly paranormal presence bent on destruction.Ghost Hunter Alexandra Holzer shopped this adaption of her father's best forgotten 1989 novel of the same name to global streaming services. She also served as executive producer along with Hans who's been dead for more than a decade. More marketing than macabre, I'd say but the real question is why anyone would want to remake THE AMITYVILLE CURSE in the 1st place.
Hans Holzer's unpopular and ignored retcon of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR hoax featured a 10th rate murder mystery as the REAL reason for the demonic possession. The ridiculous backstory he concocted was promoted as 'non fiction' as was this Tubi Original nudge, nudge, wink, wink. It's no less cheap and shameless than Chistopher Lutz' recent MY AMITYVILLE HORROR which also propagates the lies his deceased parents told. The only divergent point worth noting is that a few paranormal experts were written into the mix which weren't mentioned in that boring Canadian mockbuster nobody liked.
The vaguely identifiable cast includes Brendan WRAPPED UP IN CHRISTMAS Fehr, Dillan THE GREAT CHRISTMAS SWITCH Casey, Vannessa CHRISTMAS BENEATH THE STARS Smythe & Michael CHRISTMAS COMES TWICE Xavier. Most of the backstage folks worked on those artery clogging Lifetime holiday TV movies too. This cost about half as much to make and features a quarter many FX so horror fans need not get their hopes up. Dennis ATOMIC BETTY Wheaton adapted the book which Eric WHEN LOVE BLOOMS Tessier made worse by directing. Followed by (probably) The Secret of Amityville. It's the only dead horse of her fathers Alexandra hasn't beaten yet. - DirectorDustin FergusonMike JohnsonStarsMark PopejoyJulia FarrellJennii CarolineA cursed, antique toy monkey from the original DeFeo home wreaks havoc and possesses a father after being gifted during the annual family reunion.
- DirectorDustin FergusonStarsBen GothierMichelle Muir-LewisJulia Farrell40 years after the original Amityville murders, a cursed antique toy finds its way to a brand new family-who become the latest victims of possession in the undying legacy of evil.If the end scroll is to be believed Dustin THE LEGACY OF BOGGY CREEK Ferguson did everything from property management to film editing, from electrical services to set design. He also provided the effects. I refuse to call them special! He certainly does like taking credit, doesn't he? He credits himself as the writer/director of AMITYVILLE: CLOWNHOUSE and markets this mockbuster as if it were a sequel to the official THE AMITYVILLE HORROR franchise. Ferguson is a plagiarist recycling concepts John Jones was selling 35 years ago to network TV.
This was the 2nd film in an unofficial sequel trilogy following the forgotten THE AMITYVILLE TOYBOX and proceeding the forgettable AMITYVILLE IN THE HOOD. It steals the cursed object premise in it's entirety from AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES while paying repulsive homage to mass murderer Ron DeFeo. The shotgun murders are depicted as having been committed by a clown. No particular reason other than IT was big in theatres. The clown vanishes and the rest of the video concerns a symbol banging stuffed monkey haunting the new owners.
Julia SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT 2: THE REVIVAL Farrell, Ben NEMESIS 5: THE NEW MODEL Gothier & Darren KRAMPUS: THE DEVIL RETURNS Barcomb lead this sorry cast of unknowns. The only pleasant surprise was seeing a badly aging Mark Patton again after all these years. Patton was to A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE what Langenkamp was to the original as Nancy. He deserves a whole lot better than a day player in this garbage. 2 out of 10 stars and 1 of them's for Patton. - DirectorDustin FergusonStarsThom Michael MulliganD.T. CarneyDillon WilsonAn Eastside gang uses the Amityville property to grow marijuana when they are attacked by a rival gang and their drugs stolen. Soon, it's unleashed on the Westside streets of Compton, where anyone who smokes it suffers one KILLER buzz.Dark Infinity is the 'cool alias' Dustin Ferguson promotes himself as sometimes when he's throwing these videos together on the weekend. I loathe to describe his continuous stream of content as movies because film making is about art. AMITYVILLE IN THE HOOD is at best an example of copyright infringement. These are backyard productions made for less money than it costs to buy a decent used car which are then dumped onto global streaming services to lure in the gullible.
This dismal mockbuster is the 3rd of a trilogy of unauthorised sequels to THE AMITYVILLE HORROR following the unwatchable AMITYVILLE TOYBOX and AMITYVILLE CLOWNHOUSE. If you missed those horrible vids take heart in knowing Dork Infinity has thoughtfully padded this worst instalment with over 20 minutes of depressing stock footage! Sitting through that nonsense once was bad enough. The archived material puts this at barely over an hour but sorry viewers will agree; it still feels too long!
With the stuffed monkey finally dead, drug dealers start a grow op in 112 Ocean Avenue then distribute the evil weed to racist stereotypes in Compton. I didn't find AMITYVILLE IN THE HOOD as overtly racist as the similarly stupid LEPRECHAUN 6: BACK TO THE HOOD but that's because it's mercifully only half as long. At least the Leprechaun pic had a few memorable rap tunes to spice up the blaxploitation. Can't even say I liked the box art and usually that's all you get that's worth looking at with Wild Eye. They make The Asylum look like MGM by comparison. Dim Infinity shared the writing credit with Jeremiah ARACHNADO 2: FLAMING SPIDERS Douglas as if that'll sweeten the pot. - DirectorDaniel FarrandsStarsJohn RobinsonChelsea RickettsPaul Ben-VictorOn the night of November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. took a high-powered rifle and murdered his entire family as they slept. At his trial, DeFeo claimed that "voices" in the house commanded him to kill. This is their story.Daniel Farrands wrote the lousy slasher movie HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS. Mostly he makes fawning documentaries about Freddy Kruger and Jason Vorhhees nobody but the most thirst trapped nerds would have any interest in watching. In 2005 his History Channel special AMITYVILLE: CONFIDENTIAL was included as a free disc in the box set containing the 1st 3 Amityville movies. None of what he filmed even remotely resembles this retcon of events. Farrands also produced the unreleasable AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING. This fan made horror pic isn't in any way formally connected to the official brand despite the production credit. This is a fictional account of the real life Defeo murders told by a guy who's seen way too many bad movies. Hans Holzer did it better 40 years ago with Murder In Amityville. So did de Laurentis converting it to film as AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION.
Two actors from the original DeFeo hoax were cast in this recon...Burt Young & Diane Franklin but neither are playing members of the doomed family this time. The only name other than Young you might recognise is Lainie THE JERK, TOO Kazan. The bulk of the cast is made up of working actors who's names you're never going to know. The supernatural mumbo jumbo is cheaply layered into this tame murder drama with no skill. This feels like a mockbuster but you've got to give Ferrands a little credit. He obviously is an admirer of the brand. That said; THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS is hollow articulation of that love and mostly a way for him to cash in on an established franchise. I have not a lot of respect for how this guy presents the Defeos. The only one who treated them worse IRL was Ronald Jr.
I didn't know any of the backstage folks other than (minimally) the writer/director himself. The crew appears to be made up of folks who worked on his recent serial killer videos including THE HAUNTING OF SHARON TATE and TED BUNDY: AMERICAN BOOGEYMAN. You'll see nothing much by way of sex or graphic violence. Watching Yuri Geller bend spoons was more thrilling than what this impoverished rip off has to offer.
The real life killer who inspired this tacky, talky & entirely fictionalised vid dropped dead not long after it's release having served 47 of his 150 year sentence. - DirectorThomas J. ChurchillStarsKyle LowderSadie KatzBrandon Alan SmithMembers of a documentary crew meet a mysterious man who seems to possess supernatural powers at a crumbling manor.THE AMITYVILLE HARVEST was the 1st of a loosely connected trio of Amityville mockbusters written, produced and directed by Thomas Churchill who somehow scored a distribution deal with Lion's Gate. Seeing a name-brand associated with backyard film-makers does not bode well for the industry or audiences IMO. The video is a mashup of stolen concepts arbitrarily bannered by the place name Amityville but sharing none of the backstory fans expect pertaining to the Dutch Colonial at 112 Ocean Avenue.
Some of the copycatted scenes were taken from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE for example. There's a Choptop lookalike (Yan THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE Birch) who drives a hearse & another briefly seen nutcase who embalms corpses. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to play LEATHERFACE or Dr. Satan from Rob Zombie's HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES but he's lousy at both. These guys exist only to pad the screen time as do the fright-less A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET dream sequences that kill time but are apropos of nothing. You'll be (mis)treated to a backyard homage to the bartender scene from Kubrick's THE SHINING just because Churchill had nothing especially interesting of his own to contribute.
Kyle Lowden is a good actor known for his leading man roles on the daytime soaps THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL and DAYS OF OUR LIVES. He plays a vampire named Vincent Miller who runs a funeral parlour in Long Island. Lowden is clearly channelling Frank DRACULA Langella & Christopher THE HORROR OF DRACULA Lee but he's not even on par with Ben Cross who unremarkably took a stab at Barnabas Collins for the 1990's reboot of DARK SHADOWS. He invites the crew of a reality web series to his lair so that he can reveal to the world it was he who was behind the assassination of Lincoln & that he plans to kill them all! In addition to his insane entourage Miller can use telepathy, the power of invisibility & his Freddy Krueger-esque dream warrior super power to kill the film crew. All that and the only thing that's scary is how lame everything is and how fast it got that way.
Of the forgettable cast Sadie WRONG TURN 6: THE LAST RESORT Katz & Brandon BRAWL IN CELL BLOCK 99 Smith try their best but are swept away by the stupidity of the screenplay. Smith was also a producer so he may have kicked in a few grand for vanity's sake. The dozen producers could afford one special effects person named Joe Castro who shot a few squibs of blood & crafted a Halloween decor cadaver that looked even more fake than the one he made for THE AMITYVILLE VAMPIRE two years later. There's no nudity or anything close to realistic gore but I wasn't bored stiff watching THE AMITYVILLE HARVEST like I usually am suffering through one of the unofficial sequels to the campy 1979 hit THE AMITYVILLE HORROR. I still wouldn't recommend it or (spoiler alert!) Churchill's banal werewolf-themed THE AMITYVILLE MOON which unnecessarily hit streaming services soon after. 3/10 - DirectorThomas J. ChurchillStarsCody Renee CameronMichael CervantesSheri DavisAs Alyssa and Karla try to escape from the church home that holds them captive, Karla is slaughtered by a vicious, semi-human creature.THE AMITTYVILLE MOON was the 2nd video for William Churchill in a very informal trilogy of mockbusters unexpectedly distributed by Lionsgate who also pimped THE AMITYVILLE HARVEST & THE AMITYVILLE RISING to thirsty global streaming services. In his thanks during the end credits Churchill names a few of his influences (ie: artists whose shots he's clumsily plagiarized) including Joe THE HOWLING Dante & John AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON Landis. The writer, producer, director etc may have copied some camera angles closely but doesn't have the skill to make the set-ups work This reminded me of HOWLING IV: THE ORIGINAL NIGHTMARE for it's formulaic mystery. The werewolf material is strikingly similar to the substandard fabrications created for THE HOWLING: REBORN. Churchill should have given thanks his unauthorised sequel isn't too much worse.
Tim ALIEN ORIGIN McClurry plays an Amityville cop investigating the disappearance of delinquent teenage girls (half of whom are played by actresses obviously in their 30s) from a church shelter. A secretly wed priest is feeding the 'kids' to his wife who has been living at the church disguised as a nun to obtain victims in the form of a werewolf. The cast is a slop bucket but only a few supporting guest stars are worth mentioning (they are Tuesday A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 4: THE DREAM MASTER Knight and David THE MANSON BROTHERS MIDNIGHT ZOMBIE MASSACRE Meadows). Twice as many truly unskilled actors flatly fill the screen including Augie ANOTHER PLAN FROM OUTER SPACE Duke, Sherri NIGHT OF THE TOMMYKNOCKERS Davis & Cody EVIL BONG 888: INFINITY HIGH Cameron. These guys simply cannot suspend disbelief and Churchilll's script demands a lot!
A handful of special effects people created the old school werewolf costume. Roy DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES Kingrym, Marcel THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE III: FINAL SEQUENCE Banks & Kevin KRAA!: THE SEA MONSTER Hall also were responsible for the blood splatter. There's no gore or nudity & overall I'd say these practical fx aren't even as well designed as what you'd see popping HOWLING VI:THE FREAKS into your bluray. At least something made 35 years ago has an excuse for a sh!tty looking lycanthrope. Followed by AMITYVILLE UPRISING. - DirectorThomas J. ChurchillStarsScott C. RoeTank JonesMike FergusonA chemical blast at a military base sets off a supernatural disaster in this tense action-horror thriller. As Sgt. Dash tries to keep the peace at the local police station, the explosion unleashes a toxic acid rain.
- DirectorMark PoloniaStarsKyrsten St. PierreMichael MerchantCassandra HayesA young woman and her friends are threatened by an ancient witch's curse when they stop in the town of Amityville to check in on her sickly grandmother.Whenever I see a decent actor in one of these bottom of the barrel mockbusters it's a little depressing. Eric Roberts is a respectable performer who's probably thrilled to still be acting but AMITYVILLE: DEATH HOUSE is a long was from his critically acclaimed performances in RUNAWAY TRAIN, KING OF THE GYPSIES and STAR 80. He plays a hooded (so you can't see how embarrassed he is) warlock with a deck of Tarot cards casting the bad fortune of everyone associated with the Dutch Colonial at 112 Ocean Avenue. Such a waste! He was the only person on set with a speck of talent and was given nothing to work with. At least in 2023s unrelated AMITYVILLE BIGFOOT he scored top billing!
This would be Mark Palonia's 1st attempt at ripping off George and Kathy Lutz's 5 decade old urban myth about their possessed Long Island home with an unofficial 'sequel'. He also directed AMITYVILLE EXORCIST, AMITYVILLE ISLAND and AMITYVILLE IN SPACE which have nothing whatsoever to do with AMITYVILLE DEATH HOUSE other than they all stink! John Oak Dalton is a frequent partner in crime and story contributor to Palonia's video sweatsohp Wildeye Releasing with titles like HAUNTED HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW and SHARK ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND on his unimpressive resume. His 'screenplay' is rancid but a few seconds of GC and a name celebrity in the cast at least give this from starvation horror pic an tiny edge over their 2020 non sequitur follow up.
FYI this uninvolving yak-fest contains no nudity, gore or suspense so don't expect much by way of entertainment. A group of friends visit a house that looks nothing like the one where Ron DeFeo murdered his family in 1974 only to discover a 300 year old curse hangs over the property. There's also about 20 seconds worth of spider-woman monster footage by way of woefully inadequate FX from some guy named Brad Steele who's never worked before or since and no wonder! A few of the untrained actors appearing in this boring download reoccur in multiple Wildeye fake THE AMITYVILLE HORROR vids but no one you'd know by name. 1/10 stars. - DirectorMark PoloniaStarsMarie DeLorenzoJeff KirkendallJames CarolusA family must put faith in a mysterious priest when a demonic force, connected to a decades-old murders in their home, possesses their daughter.
- DirectorMark PoloniaStarsDanielle DonahueJamie MorganJeff KirkendallA cursed survivor of killings at the Amityville House brings evil to a small island where bizarre genetic experiments are carried out on humans and animals in a secret women's prison.I started to write a review of this terrible video thinking it would be a breeze knowing I'd watched it before but then realised I couldn't remember anything other than it stunk! Yes, I actually had to watch this garbage twice! It's rancid, worthless & feels 70 minutes overlong. This would be Mark REVENGE OF THE EMPIRE OF THE APES Palonia's 3rd attempt to plagiarise THE AMITYVILLE HORROR franchise with an unauthorised sequel. It's not a sequel. It's barely a movie! This backyard mockbuster is designed to fill a space in a queue on streaming services I wouldn't recommend you watch either.
AMITYVILLE ISLAND is unrelated to Palonia previous rip-offs AMITYVILLE DEATH HOUSE & AMITYVILLE EXORCISM nor does it have anything to do with the embarrassing AMITYVILLE IN SPACE dumped onto Tubi the following year. It was written by John CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE SHARK KIND Datton although he knows as much about screenplays as Palonia does about the language of film which is to say nothing. You want proof?...
A woman is possessed by a box of dollar store junk at an Amityville yard sale. She kills her 4 kids off cam & is sentenced to death row. She and another talent-less actress are transferred to an island where two lousy actors pretend to be mad scientists using women to birth cloned super soldiers. The women escape but must reach the boat guarded by a zombie wearing a paper mache mask.
You won't know any of these 'actors' but I'm telling you their names in the hope you won't waste your time like I have TWICE. Danielle BIGFOOT VS ZOMBIE Donahue, Jamie CAMP BLOOD 666 PART 2: EXORCISM OF A CLOWN Morgan, James ZILLAFOOT Carlos & Jeff SHARKENSTEIN Kirkendall were all pitiful like the fx. The special effects department is some guy named Jk Farlew who opened 2 cans of tomato soup, inflated a glove to look like a severed hand, recycled photo-shopped shark footage from SHARKULA, added a stock footage bear and mixed up some paper mache to make a zombie. Avoid this like the plague! 1/10 - DirectorMark PoloniaStarsTitus HimmelbergerCassandra HayesJeff KirkendallThe ultimate battle against the Amityville curse begins after the infamous murder house is exorcised from Earth and reappears in outer space.Mark Polonia has 'directed' nearly 100 videos for backyard distributor Wildeye NONE of which are worth watching & nothing he ever videotapes will be any good. Wildeye makes fake movies to sell to disreputable streaming services and high school drop outs. He's not the 'new Roger Corman' as the hack/plagiarist promotes himself to be. Palonia's shameful filmography doesn't even stack up against the movies cranked out by the Lloyd Kaughmans and Alan Smithees of the cinematic world. Connoisseurs of 'so-bad-they're good' movies or lovers of camp & kitsch will find nothing to love or admire about his work except maybe it's sweatshop business model. Palonia made this garbage with some guy named Aaron JURASSIC SHARK 2: AQUAPOCALPSE Drake for as much as it costs to buy a used car and turned a profit selling his mockbuster to global streaming services which poisons the artistic air we breathe.
AMITYVILE IN SPACE has about as much depth as Saturday morning cartoons from half a century ago and about half as much polish. The vid has nothing whatsoever to do with the licensed THE AMITYVILLE HORROR brand and barely cuts it as a loose sequel to his equally incoherent AMITYVILLE EXORCIST from 2017. Non actor Jeff Kirkendall is the only tenuous connection having appeared in all 4 of Polonia's Amityville rip-offs. He plays a priest named Brenna who was featured in 2021's non sequitur NOAH'S SHARK. After a two minute exorcism where Brenna confronts a ball of photo shopped fire, 112 Ocean Avenue is hurled into another part of the galaxy. A spaceship which looks likes an ugly apartment with shiny tarps draped over the windows finds the house Ron Defeo killed his family in orbiting a black hole sometime in the 35 century. 2 more minutes of embarrassing special fx depicting a giant priest in space battling a glowing pentagram toward the end sums up 'the action'. Everything else is folks you've never heard of pecking at refurbished laptops while talking nonsense.
Rob JURASSIC SHARK 3: SEAVENGE Haurchild produced all 75 tedious minutes of this filler 4 of which were not made better with 5 grand worth of Anthony Palonia's (Any relation?) recycled code. I won't bore you with the cast because none are actors any more than Kirkendall who's appeared in 70 of these things and you can still watch his eyes reading from cue cards. Do yourself a favour and watch one of the official films in THE AMITYVILLE HORROR film universe. Any one of them is 100 times better than AMITYVILLE IN SPACE. 1/10 - DirectorGeoff MeedStarsJason WilliamsAmy Van HorneDevin ClarkIn disregard of the shocking DeFeo murders, an unsuspecting family moves into the infamous house on 112 Ocean Avenue. Now, ghostly apparitions start to appear in their video surveillance system. Can they survive the Amityville haunting?Mockbuster 'studio' The Asylum threw this shameless rip-off of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY together but because they had so many shameless rip-offs of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY on the go in backyards and garages all over their low income neighbourhood already they decided to market this as an Amityville pic.
THE AMITYVILLE HAUNTING claims to be genuine found footage obtained from 112 Ocean Avenue where the Benson family has met their supernatural demise. The 'action' (wobbly flashlights, misplaced tools, family bickering, etc) is set 30 years after real life killer Ron DeFeo shotgun massacred his sleeping family in their Long Island home. This also has no connection to the Lutz family hoax other than a genuine sequel to THE AMITYVILLE HORROR was announced around the time this knock off was thrown together.
Geoff ASTEROID-A-GEDDON Meed is the uncredited writer/director. The special effects crew also opted to not include their names on a scroll. Their names are: Melissa NAZIS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH Whitcomb, Joe MEGA PYTHON VS GATEROID Lawson & Valerie TITANIC II Garcia. Ben Demaree handle the cinematography. If you've never heard of Demaree it's because he only makes movies nobody would watch like PIRANHA-MAN VS WEREWOLF-MAN: HOWL OF THE PIRANHA.
THE AMITYVILLE HAUNTING is so tedious you almost wish Meed had slipped a gateroid in to liven things up! Even by shaky cam (sub)standards this vid is the pits! No actors were given a credit either but in all fairness there wasn't an actor in the bunch worth mentioning. - DirectorAndrew JonesStarsSophia Del PizzoLee BaneJared MorganLisa Templeton begins a new job as a cleaner at High Hopes Hospital, a mental institution in Amityville, Long Island. Initially delighted to get the job, Lisa soon realises that all is not as it seems.England has a robust Amityville mockbuster economy if the bottom shelves of your local Dollar Store is any indication. That's where I found this stupid DVD in addition to AMITYVILLE SCARECROW parts 1 & 2. I tried to return them but the cashier pulled a .45 & told me to take my business elsewhere. So I sorta got stuck watching THE AMITYVILLE ASYLUM...or more correctly stated tried to watch. Allow me to explain;
Writer/director Andrew Jones makes Grade ZZZ videos like JURASSIC PREDATOR which substitutes dark, found footage shaky cam for the special effects you were paying to see. With this crap he tries to cloak the complete absence of production value with endless, extreme facial closeups. You can actually watch the actors pours deliver lousy performances! During 3 scenes the audio was inexplicably drowned out by loud, stolen pieces of music. I'm wagging my critical finger at Cinematographer Victoria Rodney, composer J. Andrew Faus & sound tech Paul Brooke who killed whatever fat chance Jones had of successfully ripping off the franchise. It's technically amateur hour and a half.
Here's what I know...112 Ocean Avenue was torn to the ground because a coven of native american witches took up residence in Long Island 200 years ago. They fled their home in Salem & took up human sacrifice to conjure demons like the one who possessed RL killer Ronald DeFeo that night in '74 when he Menendezed his entire family. The High Hopes Asylum occupies the land where George & Kathy Lutzs' house once stood and yes, it's haunted. The nervous cleaning lady sees the ghost of a Defeo child and after a 5 minute google search uncovers a supernatural conspiracy by the head shrink to obtain immortality.
THE AMITYVILLE ASYLUM was distributed as THE NESTING 2 although it's quite dissimilar to THE NESTING & was filmed decades later. Don't even bother is my best advise. - DirectorJohn R. WalkerStarsMonèle LeStratLinden BakerKennie BenoitA teenager and her friends become trapped in a haunted theater with a disturbing connection to Amityville's secret past.If you thought Hans Holzer's THE AMITYVILLE CURSE was the worst calamityville to come out of Canada hold my beer while I introduced to you the lethargic & pointless THE AMITYVILLE PLAYHOUSE! At least the 1989 pic had a few actors in the cast. THE AMITYVILLE THEATRE (as this dud is also known) has not one decent actor in the bunch. That's a serious drawback in a video where all anybody does is talk!
A college student inherits a deserted theatre in the the town of Amityville unaware of the community's past involvement in witchcraft & satanism. Dozens of characters drone on monotonously about the mystery but nothing really happens until the final pitiful moments which I promise you will be forgotten within seconds as if they never even happened.
Somebody named Steve Hardy directed this sparrow fart flavoured nothing burger but the writer is now dropping turds just like this one for the backyard studio Wildeye. Dustin Ferguson's AMITYVILLE CLOWNHOUSE directly references his pal; John Walker's THE AMITYVILLE PLAYHOUSE although the videos aren't really connected in any way other than they cost nothing to make. I'm serious; a woman named Brenda Kryschuck provided smoke for special effects! That's all horror fans are going to see so don't get your High Hopes up. - DirectorHenrique CoutoStarsJulia GomezJosh MillerAllison EganA group of college students go into the deep woods of the most haunted town in America to better understand fear - and they found it.Virtually the entire cast and crew of AMITYVILLE: NO ESCAPE worked together on a video called SCAREWAVES. Henrique Couto is to blame for that as writer/director although I hold the folks at 'Go Fund Me' partially responsible for this unofficial mockbuster sequel to THE AMITYVILLE HORROR.
AMITYVILLE: NO ESCAPE tells 2 divergent tales. The 1st concerns a woman being stalked by an unseen evil at 112 Ocean Avenue while the 2nd tells of a group of friends who decide to spend a night in the Amityville woods as a test of bravery. Neither tale is the least bit scary or even remotely interesting. Hiring real actors may have helped. The 'twist ending' is lame nothingburger you'll forget almost immediately.
Henrique doesn't belong behind a camera and uses the found footage 'shaky cam' to hide his still obvious lack of talent. Overall, AMITYVILLE: NO ESCAPE left me with a mild headache. I hope I never see it or anything made by Henrique Couto ever again. - DirectorMichael AngeloStarsNicole TompkinsKaiwi LymanKim NielsenWhen a new family moves to an old house in Amityville, they are tormented and tortured by an evil spirit living in the home while trapped by the malicious townspeople who want to keep them there.THE AMITYVILLE TERROR is the umpteenth unofficial sequel floating around on disreputable streaming service providers. It's slightly better than the dozens of other mockbusters you're likely to see taking up space in the digital queue despite the inexperience of the writer and director within the horror medium. Michael Angelo never directed again but Amanda Barton did the backyard version of THE PROPHECY; ANGELS FALLEN.
Barton is better known as an actress in Grade ZZZ vids like GINGERDEAD MAN 3: SATURDAY NIGHT CLEAVER. She wrote the best part for herself; a woman possessed by the evil spirits at 112 Ocean Avenue. Her unhappy but attractive extended family moves in unaware the house plans to kill them all. Kaiwi ANDROID COP Lyman, Kim AQUARIUM OF THE DEAD Nielson & Trever RIVERDALE Stein help brighten the cast.
While THE AMITYVILLE TERROR flirts with the RL DeFeo homicides in passing and promotes itself as 'based on true events' this copycat moves away from the theme of demonic possession made famous by original hoaxters George and Kathy Lutz. The real threat to the displaced family might be the citizens of the haunted Long Island community who sacrifice strangers to the house!
Fredrique Berrera never provided special make FX for a fright video before and his inexperience is cringe worthy. On the plus side there's some mild gore and T&A scattered through the 2nd half. This 10th rate rip off of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR may not be something I'd ever recommend but it's a step up the slop you usually associate with this hijacked brand. THE AMITYVILLE TERROR also distinguishes itself because it shared interiors with AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES which I thought was a nice touch 35 years later. - DirectorCalvin Morie McCarthyStarsConor AustinParris BatesAirisa DurandThe terrifying tale of Amityville is Back. When a young man encounters a weekend of horrors after taking a house sitting job from a spooky old woman.Let's not kid ourselves, nobody knows who anyone involved with the making of AN AMITYVILLE POLTERGEIST is nor do they matter. All you need to know about any of them is they get together a couple times a year to smoke pot and create a backyard mockbuster with no talent & even less cash to spare.
This video borrows the 'Amityville' name & the plagiarists who produced it for next to nothing would love for you to associate it with the official film/television franchise but don't be fooled. You're not even going to see anything remotely close to the box cover. It's difficult to describe AN AMITYVILLE POLTERGEIST as having a script because that implies a story is laid out. There's no story to speak of, only dull scenes. The scenes are boring set ups for jump scares only no such scares exist. Instead of a scare you'll see a figure trudge by in the distance. The shot was stolen shamelessly from J-horror pics like JU-ON or RINGU. If seeing a mopey ghost trudging by with a bad hairdo every half hour appeals to you AN AMITYVILLE POLTERGEIST is streaming (and steaming) on low rent downloading apps near you.
Some guy edited 10 seconds worth of photoshop & called himself both the 'head of make up department' and the 'head of the special effects department' if you're wondering if it's funny. I thought the whole miserable thing stunk! - DirectorBecca HiraniStarsKira Reed LorschSarah T. CohenDonna SpanglerThe Belle Witches have to revisit their magical talents to deter the evil Dominique Marcom from trying to raise the demon Botis into the world.You've heard of fake news? AMITYVILLE WITCHES is a fake movie. It exists not to entertain but to steal your money while offering nothing in return. THE WITCHES OF AMITYVILLE ACADEMY (as it's also called) plays out like a really bad episode of CHARMED. I'm not talking about the cult classic Aaron Spelling version though. AMITYVILLE CRAFT (a title this deceptive mockbuster occasionally goes by) reminded me of the unpopular vegan remake of CHARMED the CW foisted on disinterested viewers a few years ago.
Three witches (Nicola ALIEN: BATTLEFIELD EARTH Wright, Kira CHAINED HEAT 2001 Lorsch & Sara THE RETURN OF SALEM WITCH Cohen) form a coven to prevent an evil spell caster played by Amanda AMITYVILLE SCARECROW II Tyler from raising a demon. A couple of these actresses have been working as extras for decades and their minimal contribution is noted. Hiring actors helps. Unfortunately these mature actresses mostly only huddle together against invisible winds while chanting 'The power of 3!' to fight evil and look ridiculous most of the time. There was about a hundred dollars in the special effects budget so Angel Kunek photoshopped a few glowing hands to indicate superpowers are happening. It's rather depressing to look at is my opinion.
Rebecca Matthhews assembly lines unwatchable mockbusters you've never heard of like PET GRAVEYARD and BATS: THE AWAKENING but they're no better than this unauthorised rip off of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR. Her frequent collaborator in mockbuster crime Tom WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE ATTACK Jolliffe put as little effort writing this time-kill as Kunek spent on the pitiful FX so don't say you weren't warned. - DirectorChuck MorrongielloKarolina MorrongielloStarsChuck MorrongielloKarolina MorrongielloCurtis WykaCharlie and Buzi are ghost enthusiasts fascinated by the legend of the scariest road in America, Mt. Misery Road. The couple continues their adventure to the woods until they realize they got into a whirlpool of paranormal activities.AMITYVILLE: MT MISERY RD is an anomaly even by the subterranean standards of Amityville mockbusters. It's mostly cell phone video of a woman trying to look frightened by imaginary mothmen said to be fluttering around the woods at night. So yeah, shaky cellular found footage is what you're paying to see.
This was a vanity film for the married couple who shot it at the side of the road for 50 bucks. The road is known to fans of urban legends who insist U.F.O.s and poltergeist activity are to be found but all you're going to see is a woman named Karolina Morrongiello run in the woods at night.
Congrats to Chuck and his wife for finding someone to distribute their utterly worthless footage. Even the opening credits wouldn't have cut it as a high school class production. AMITYVILLE: MT MISERY RD distinguishes itself because it really is a labour of love...Chuck's love for his noticeably younger wife! That's gotta count for something; 2 stars out of 10. - DirectorJack Peter MundyStarsBarbara DabsonChelsea GreenwoodSofia LaceyAfter their mother passes away, two sisters find themselves the owners of a shut-down summer camp. Soon, the sisters will learn the dark and deadly secrets that happened at the summer camp many years ago. And the legend of The Scarecrow.I have a niece with a digital camera who fancies herself a photographer. She knows how to take a picture but she's no artist nor has she ever taken a photo I'd ever care to hang on a wall. I do however love her and her wonderful camera which is programmed to do the work she'll never understand. She's never even read a book on the topic. The poverty row backyard studio who made AMITYVILLE SCARECROW have decent cameras too not that you'd ever wan't to watch any of their home made videos. This looks like a crisp, digitally recorded high school play without any pesky educational value.
This English mockbuster of the American franchise insists audiences believe the infamous Dutch Colonial from Long Island, New York was located in England. I wasn't convinced for an instant. Tying this bloodless and boring slasher movie the hoax perpetrated by George & Kathy Lutz was only a marketing ploy anyway. You think anyone would want to look at this you tube quality 'film' if it didn't appear to be mimicking a classic horror franchise? This is more of the same from from writer Shannon Holladay whose earlier BRIDE OF THE SCARECROW and CURSE OF THE SCARECROW sank instantly into obscurity.
The premise that Ron DeFeo's family home was torn to the ground & converted to a haunted corn field falls flat on it's face. The appearance of a scythe swinging AMITYVILE SCARECROW fails entirely to generate interest even juxtaposed with stale leftover plot elements from the atrocious CAMP BLOOD mockbusters. Director Jack EASTER BUNNY MASSACRE Mundy knows nothing of making movies; especially horror movies and even if did the 3 dollars the had in the budget for the tomato soup special effects wouldn't have helped. Gore hounds will be disgusted with this amateurish slasher while others will nap quietly through most of it if they're lucky. The cast at least seem to have all bathed recently so it's just their acting that stinks! A few would show their forgettable faces in the unnecessary sequel AMITYVILLE SCARECROW II. - DirectorAdam CowieStarsSofia LaceyAmanda-Jade TylerKate SandisonIt has been a year since the events of the first movie, and the survivors are about to reopen the camp. However, something sinister lurks, and all is not what it seems.AMITYVILLE SCARECROW II hasn't anything to do with the hoax perpetrated by the Lutz family or the tragic RL murder of the DeFeo family. For marketing purposes this English mockbuster tries to lure in the gullible by promoting itself as having a connection to the genuine film franchise but it's not. It's not really connected to Shannon Holiday's earlier BRIDE OF THE SCARECROW or CURSE OF THE SCARECROW no one wanted to rent, own or acknowledge either.
Chris DINOSAUR HOTEL 2 McLearie's boring video rehashed the backyard slasher series CAMP BLOOD. It's as predictable as the instantly forgotten AMITYVILLE SCARECROW which proceeded it ensuring fans will get nothing they expect by way of entertainment. After dropping hard earned money on this rip off fans will hopefully stop doing business with these thieves at ITN.
A pair of sisters reopen a summer camp for bad 30 year old actors you've never heard of a year after an AMITYVILLE SCARECROW stumbled out of the cornfield to off-cam kill the last batch. There's no blood, gore or suspense so make a note; if you like slasher movies don't waste your time. Adam JACK AND JILL: THE HILLS OF HELL Crowlie shot this mediocrity on the weekend for 10 grand so expect nothing back. There was no money in the from poverty budget for special effects if you were wondering why there aren't any. The producers compensated by having the younger women in the cast strip generating a handful of artlessly staged boob shots. The store bought Halloween costume has also seen much better days if not movies. 2/10 - DirectorGregory HatanakaStarsJason TolerNicole D'AngeloChris SpinelliA city haunted by a bloody past has led to the emergence of some serious police brutality. As bodies pile up, two detectives seek to stop a demonic force that is terrorizing the neighborhood.Badly aging 80s starlet Laurene Landon is probably the only reason to glance at AMITYVILLE COP which is a blatant rip-off of two of her better known films. This Amityville mockbuster is also a backyard retread of Larry Cohen's cult hits MANIAC COP parts 1 & 2. Landon plays a witch who uses the glowy power of Satan to resurrect a dead cop named Damien.
While Damien goes on a bloodless, unfunny zombie rampage two detectives (Jason CRACKHOUSE OF THE DEAD Toler & Nicole THE AWAKENING OF EMANUELLE D'Angelo) try to find out how the AMITYVILLE COP is connected to their current chief of police.
This is better than most of the unofficial sequels to THE AMITYVILLE HORROR despite having nothing whatsoever to do with the infamous Dutch Colonial at 112 Ocean Avenue. Pat Bradberry gives you nothing by way of blood and gore. If you were expecting anything even close to a respectable slasher pic you'll be crushingly disappointed. Gregory SAMURAI COP 2: DEADLY VENGEANCE Hatanaka puts some emergy into directing the flat script by Geno McGahee which is unrelated to his earlier AMITYVILLE: THE FINAL CHAPTER or their later collaboration AMITYVILLE EMANUELLE. 3 out of 10 stars & 1 of them's for Landon who's seen better days. - DirectorNick GrindeStarsBoris KarloffEvelyn KeyesBruce BennettA physician on death row for a mercy killing is allowed to experiment on a serum using a criminals' blood, but secretly tests it on himself. He gets a pardon, but finds out he's become a Jekyll-&-Hyde.BEFORE I HANG was 1 of 3 B movies director Nick Grindle shot with the iconic Boris FRANKENSTEIN Karloff the other 2 being THE MAN WITH NINE LIVES and THE MAN THEY COULD NOT HANG. It was written by Karl THE APE MAN Brown & Robert Andrews who also wrote THE DEVIL COMMANDS for the beloved actor and again on the 1961-62 series BORIS KARLOFF PRESENTS.
Karloff plays a kindly old doctor named Garth sentenced to hang for the death of a patient. The 2 were working on a serum that would extend human life via blood transfusions. The prison doctor (Edward DRACULA Van Sloan) believes Garth may have discovered the key to immortality so allows the condemned quack to spend his final days trying to perfect the formula. The pair drain the blood of a recently executed murderer to inject into Garth unfortunately, things go horribly wrong!
Within moments of taking the serum of eternal youth the governor commutes the death sentence to life behind bars. He barely has time to digest that harsh news when a curious side effect is revealed; Garth has been possessed by the donors' insatiable urge to kill. Garth is able to murder his way back into free society to the horror of his betrothed daughter (Evelyn A RETURN TO SALEM'S LOT Keyes) & her rugged fiancee (Bruce THE NEW ADVENTURES OF TARZAN Bennett).
This B&W programmer from Columbia goes down easy at only 63 minutes and has a lot more production value than you'd see from poverty row studios like Mascot or Monogram. Cinematographer Benjamin Kline may have only got to work on RIN TIN TIN and THE 3 STOOGES comedies but he had tons of experience giving this nicely acted shocker just the right amount of polish. Retro horror junkies will have some fun watching BEFORE I HANG. Recommended. - DirectorRoy William NeillStarsBoris KarloffMarian MarshRobert AllenIgnoring an ancient prophecy, evil brother Gregor seeks to maintain his feudal power on his his Tyrolean estate by murdering and impersonating his benevolent younger twin.THE BLACK ROOM MYSTERY (as it was widely known outside the US) was the 1st of 6 films the legendary Boris MR WONG, DETECTIVE Karloff made for Columbia. This ferociously paced gothic tale of depravity, betrayal and revenge from beyond the grave offers the star dual roles & he's unforgettable in both. Karloff stars as a sex killer preying on the villagers he lords over without mercy. Baron Gregor invites his nearly identical twin Anton to visit with the intention of staging his own resignation. Gregor plans to turn over the title to his kind brother whom the villagers trust then killing the new baron & hiding the body in a secret torture chamber along with his other victims. As contrived as director Roy FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN William Neill's pic gets many consider this to be one of Karloff's best films from the 1930s.
The bubbly & teary eyed Marian SVENGALI Marsh plays Gregor's next, intended victim; Thea. Before the maniac can drag her into THE BLACK ROOM he must find a way to dispose of her suitor (Robert RAIDERS OF THE LIVING DEAD Allen) & her devoted father (Thurston BLONDIE ON A BUDGET Hall). Cecille B. DeMille's daughter Katherine co-starred with Torbon Meyer who also got murdered by Karloff in THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN. Arthur FLIGHT TO MARS Strawn & Henry ALICE IN WONDERLAND Myers wrote this entertaining shocker with all the subtlety of an episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT so what's not to love? This under-rated & frequently overlooked B&W horror pic feels more like a pre-code production & is openly defiant of the censorship imposed by the Hayes office beginning in 1935.
The cinematographer was Allen Siegler who would film Karloff's 5th Columbia B movie THE DEVIL COMMANDS. He was given a huge helping hand from set designer/art decorator Stephen IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT Gooson and the Oscar nominated Ray LOST HORIZON Davidson & Jack GONE WITH THE WIND Cosgrove who kicked in seemless visual effects. Murray A FEATHER IN HER HAT Mayer deserves some love and recognition for his work on this unusually elaborate matinee. His gowns for Marsh especially were the icing on Gregor's wedding cake. 7/10 - DirectorLew LandersStarsBoris KarloffPeter LorreMaxie RosenbloomA young divorcee tries to convert a historic house into a hotel despite its oddball inhabitants and dead bodies in the cellar.The prolific Lew Landers is at his very best directing this B&W programmer which closely copies the formula perfected by ARSENIC AND OLD LACE. Landers worked with the beloved & iconic Boris Karloff in 1935s THE RAVEN. The unforgettable Peter Lorrie appeared with Karloff 2 yeas before in the comedy YOU'LL FIND OUT!. They were also a joy to see in THE COMEDY OF TERRORS and Roger Corman's remake of THE RAVEN. The remarkable actors will keep you smiling throughout it's run time of just over an hour. The entire cast deserves praise. Everyone is on the same page.
Karloff plays a dottery mad scientist attempting to create super soldiers in the basement of a decrepit boarding house in the country. While his eccentric housekeeper (Canadian actress Maud TO BE OR NOT TO BE Ebume) & crotchety handyman (George MURDER IS NEWS McKay) fuss he lures men into the cellar for experimentation. Lorre is a rival doctor who owns the mortgage on the property. The delighted & delightful new owner (Mrs. Jeff WHAT'S BUZZIN' COUSIN? Donnell) arrives to collect the deed against the wishes of her devoted fiancee (Larry THE JOLSON STORY Bond) on the very day bodies begin popping up!
This 6th (& last) Columbia double-biller contracted to Karloff is such a treat you want more. It's not as satisfying as it could have been but the writers did a commendable job on a brisk shooting schedule. Hal OUR MAN FLINT Fimbery, Robert THERE'S ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE Hunt, Edward THE NEW ADVENTURES OF TARZAN Blum & Paul BREWSTER'S MILLIONS Gangelin will tickle your funny bone much of the time. Larry Bond was a future Oscar nominee who fell prey to the House of Un-American Activities Committee witch-hunts. Bond was blacklisted in the era of McCarthyism which blossomed after WWII. The gifted Bond who delivers a Chaplin-esque performance in THE BOOGIE MAN WILL GET YOU survived his time spent in the Coliseum thankfully and lived to work another day. - DirectorNick GrindeStarsBoris KarloffLorna GrayRobert WilcoxWhen Dr. Savaard's experiment in cryonics is interrupted by the short-sighted authorities, his volunteer dies, and he is condemned to death. He vows vengeance if he can survive his own hanging.Nick Grindle was a forgettable & forgotten director who made cheap, exploitation flicks like WHITE BONDAGE and DELINQUENT PARENTS. He is best known for 3 Saturday matinee programmers made for Columbia Pictures featuring horror icon Boris BLACK SABBATH Karloff. This was the 2nd film of 6 contracted to the genre superstar by the studio & his 1st, most successful collaboration with Grindle. THE MAN THEY COULD NOT HANG was an uncredited remake of the 1934 murder mystery THE 9TH GUEST with a writing credit to Karl THE APE MAN Brown. Brown also scripted the similar THE MAN WITH NINE LIVES and BEFORE I HANG. The swiped story was co-written by George BLACK MARKET BABIES Sayre & Canadian Leslie PAID TO DANCE White.
Karloff is perfectly type cast as a demented scientist attempting to create a death-like state with an anesthetic he knows will revolutionalize junk science. Unfortunately his human guinea pig dies leaving the bitter quack condemned to hang for his crime. Savaard escapes the gallows using his serum then begins revenge-killing the folks he believes judged him too harshly. The daughter of the charming killer (Lorna CAPTAIN AMERICA Gray) & a reporter named 'Scoop' (Robert BLONDIE TAKES A VACATION Wilcox) hurry to his mansion which is now a death trap of poison darts and electrified gates.
Don FRANCIS GOES TO THE RACES Beddoe, Charles CHARLIE CHAN AND THE WAX MUSEUM Trobridge, Roger THE CISCO KID RETURNS Pryor and Ann FLOOD! Doran guest starred in this genuinely entertaining B&W B movie. This perfectly acceptable cast keeps the movie serial pace and gives Karloff a lip-smacking opportunity to shine. For a preposterous 80 year old murder yarn THE MAN THEY COULD NOT HANG has limited cult appeal & some replay value. Quite fond of this one. 6/10 - DirectorNick GrindeStarsBoris KarloffRoger PryorJo Ann SayersA medical researcher visits the deserted home of a pioneer in cryogenic science who disappeared 10 years earlier and finds him frozen in ice but still alive.THE MAN WITH NINE LIVES was the 2nd of 3 films Nick Grindle shot with the legendary Boris Karloff who was under a 6 picture deal with Columbia. It was sandwiched between the similar THE MAN THEY COULD NOT HANG and BEFORE I HANG and written quite forgettably by Karl THE APE MAN Brown & Harold KONGA: THE WILD STALLION Shumak. At 75 minutes this B&W sci-fi pic clocks in at the longest & is quite a chore to sit through.
Karloff plays a mad scientist who is discovered frozen in his glacial, basement lab along with a handful of people who went missing 10 years before. BEHIND THE DOOR (an alternate title to try to avoid) actually feels 10 years older! It's sluggish and weighed down with impossible to swallow junk science. The cryogenic experiments are carried out with gently blowing fans & pans of ice. Patients are revived from suspended animation by sips of hot coffee. Into that nonsense the lazy writers threw a handful of unbelievable characters together for what becomes a tiresome hostage drama.
Bryon THE FLAMING URGE Fouler, Charles THE MUMMY'S HAND Trowbridge, Wally ZORRO'S BLACK WHIP Wales, Roger THE CISCO KID RETURNS Pryor & Jo Ann YOUNG DR KILDARE Sayers evaporate on screen next to Karloff but even he's just treading stagnant water. I spent more time rolling my eyes than having fun. Even the turgid score was swiped from better B movies. This one has aged very badly. Below average. - DirectorEdward DmytrykStarsBoris KarloffAnne RevereAmanda DuffScientist becomes obsessed with the idea of communicating with his dead wife.THE DEVIL COMMANDS was the 5th to last film the legendary Boris THE MASK OF FU MANCHU Karloff made while under contract with Columbia. It's among the best of the B movie, B&W lot and was based on a pulpy 1939 science fiction novel called The Edge of Running Water. The obscure book by William Sloane was hastily adapted by Robert Andrews who would contribute scripts for the 1960 anthology series THRILLER hosted by Karloff. Milton Gunzburg also helped write this engaging supernatural-flavoured suspense pic. He never wrote enough to get famous but got super rich for pioneering 3-D techniques used in films like HOUSE OF WAX. This cultish programmer was efficiently & effectively directed by Canadian Edward CAPTIVE WILD WOMAN Dmytryk.
Karloff was at his type-cast best playing a deranged scientist conducting brain wave seances to contact his wife who was killed in a car accident. His daughter Amanda MR MOTO ON DANGER ISLAND Duff & her love interest Richard BLONDIE MEETS THE BOSS Fiske fear the doctor has gone mad with grief and both are certain the medium he trusts is a fake! Anne Revere played the suspicious medium to Kenneth THE PHANTOM MacDonald's handy detective who arrives to mop up the formulaic horror/noire towards the final reel.
Columbia produced their matinees on a lower budget but they were lavish compared to the cheapies you'd get going to Monogram or any of the other poverty row studios we vaguely remember in the new millennium. THE DEVIL COMMANDS featured Oscar winner Anne NATIONAL VELVET Revere who was infamously black-listed in 1950 after condemning The House of Un-American Activities Committee during the plague of McCarthyism. This is one of her better supporting roles as a character actress. - DirectorBrian ClydeStarsMark DacascosTheresa RandleRutger HauerA group of U.S. Marines are sent to rescue a captured U.S. Marine and a Filipino Captain while stopping a group of Al-Qaeda-backed local rebels from launching biological weapons.Cirio H. Santiago was a minor cult icon in the world of Grade Z cinema with titles like SHE DEVILS IN CHAINS, EYE OF THE EAGLE 2: INSIDE THE ENEMY, UP FROM THE DEPTHS and THE BIG BIRD CAGE on his lengthy resume. He is best known for more than a score of films shot in his native Philippines with the legendary American director Roger Corman. THE HUNT FOR EAGLE ONE and it's immediate sequel would be their final collaborations. The films were shot back-to-back to further cut costs & maximise their very low investment as co-producers. Santiago died not long after their completion may he RIP.
During the 80s low budget Philipino action movies flooded VHS rental stores following hot on the heels of hits like MISSING IN ACTION & RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II. THE HUNT FOR EAGLE one is a throwback to the genre which borrows from contemporary hits like BLACK HAWK DOWN while anticipating Stallone's FIRST BLOOD sequel; RAMBO. That doesn't mean it's any good! It's as sub par an entertainment as the producers similarly underwhelming WHEN EAGLES STRIKE from 2003.
Mark THE CROW: STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN Dacascos,Joe BLACK MARKET LOVE Suba & Zach THE SCORPION KING: BOOK OF SHADOWS McGowan play marines sent to rescue a soldier (Theresa BAD BOYS FOR LIFE Randle) captured by al qaeda terrorists. The squad must reunite & take out the threat which also includes the release of bio weapons. This loud, violent shoot 'em up was written by Michael BLOODFIST 2050 Carter for director Brian SUPERGATOR Clyde. Rutger BLADE RUNNER Hauer appears very briefly as a sloppy, eccentric general but even that's not worth the price of admission. Below average. - DirectorHenry CrumStarsMark DacascosTheresa RandleJeff FaheyThe Strike Force team is back in this action-packed sequel to "The Hunt For Eagle One"! Terrorists have stolen a Ground Control Encoder, a new anti-hijack device that enables Air Traffic Control to lock out the pilot's instruments and fly a plane by remote control. When the military learns of the terrorists plans to use it to crash a jetliner into a secret U.S. Military Intelligence airbase in southeast Asia, The Strike Force team led by Lt. Matt Daniels is sent again into rebel territory to locate and recover the stolen Encoder before the terrorists carry out their threat. Can the Daniel's crew stop the impending world war?Cirio H. Santiago is a minor cult icon in the world of Grade Z cinema with titles like CAGED HEAT II: STRIPPED OF FREEDOM, VAMPIRE HOOKERS, DEMONS OF PARADISE and TNT JACKSON on his lengthy resume. He's best known for more than a score of films shot in his native Philippines with the legendary American director Roger Corman. THE HUNT FOR EAGLE ONE: CRASH POINT would be their final collaboration along with the original which the like-minded friends produced back-to-back to pinch a few more pennies. Santiago died not long after may he RIP.
During the 1980s low budget Philipino action movies filled the shelves of VHS rental stores following hot on the heels of BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION III & RAMBO III. THE HUNT FOR EAGLE ONE: CRASH POINT is a throwback to the genre which borrows from contemporary hits like BLACK HAWK DOWN while anticipating Stallone' FIRST BLOOD sequel; RAMBO. That doesn't mean it's any good! It's as sub par an entertainment as the producers similarly underwhelming video WHEN EAGLES STRIKE from 2003.
Mark AGENTS OF SHIELD Dacascos. Theresa BAD BOYS II Randle, Joe OPERATION ROGUE Suba & Zach DRACULA UNTOLD McGowan play a team of guns blazing marines sent into combat to retrieve tech capable of duplicating the infamous 9/11 attacks. Jeff EASY RIDER 2: THE RIDE HOME Fahey guest stars as the general who gives the team permission to act like grown ups playing Call of Duty. This will keep you awake but it's not all that different than watching a chapter of a video game unfold. The predictable action was directed by Henry ASPHALT WARS Crum based on a script by Michael BLOODFIST 2050 Carter. Below average. - DirectorJohn MurlowskiStarsAndrea RothNicholas BrendonElisa DonovanA woman visits her parents for Christmas. Hearing that they've "sold" the house, she wants to buy it. At 9 she had a BFF in the woods nearby named Han Solo. She and the buyer are single, divorced and have a child each. Is he her Han?Jay Cipriani wrote this sugary sweet television romance for the Ion Network. The Christmas-themed, family friendly heart-warmer/artery clogger was such a ratings hit under the direction of John AMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION Murlowsky Ion ordered 2 sequels for the 2011-2012 holidays.
Nicolas BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER Brendan was unexpectedly cast as the male lead despite credible gossip his RL was spiralling out of control due to drug and alcohol addictions. Today he has a string of arrests including charges for numerous violent assaults against domestic partners to show for his neglected mental health issues. Knowing all that and more makes watching A GOLDEN CHRISTMAS cringe-worthy. Today Nicholas Brendan badmouths Joss Whedon on fake news for being a toxic male as if we don't know how many times he's been busted for attempting to murder women. I'm knocking a star off this mediocre tv movie because he's in it and another star's coming off for how bad he is in this luke warm BENJI clone.
Andrea ESCAPING THE NXIVM CULT: A MOTHER'S FIGHT TO SAVE HER DAUGHTER Roth plays a lonely single mom hoping to buy a house in the woods for Christmas. The place is where she met the childhood love of her life (Brendan). He is a widowed father with a Norman Rockwell-esque kid of his own looking to purchase the same house for the same reason. He fell in 'love there at the age of 9. These pouty adults may never earn their shot at blended-family love unless a cuddly super smart dog can lead them back to a buried tin can time capsule in time for a merry Christmas. Below average. You know why. Followed by A GOLDEN CHRISTMAS 2: THE SECOND TAIL. - DirectorJoe MenendezStarsAlley MillsJulie GonzaloK.C. ClydeOld flames reunite and sparks are reignited at Christmastime in Florida, but the man is already engaged to another woman so a recently retired couple try to intervene with the help of their dogs.A GOLDEN CHRISTMAS 2: THE SECOND TAIL (aka: 3 HOLIDAY TAILS) was the 2nd of an informal trilogy of romantic TV movies written by Jay LOVE FOR CHRISTMAS Capriani for the streaming cable network Ion. It was directed by Joe Menendez who also shot the staggeringly unpopular woke reboot of KUNG FU in 2021. This pleasant and undemanding fluff piece may be their best work. An unusually strong cast & good intentions all around make this sequel quite watchable.
Julie SUPERGIRL Gonzalo plays a woman who is certain the man she loves is marrying the wrong woman. The likeable groom to be (K.C. I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER Clyde) would rather marry Lisa than Kelly THE RING 2 Staples. She is in love with the idea of marriage but can all 3 figure out their G rated love triangle so everyone can enjoy a Happy Holiday on the Florida coast? Clyde popped up uncredited in 2009's A GOLDEN CHRISTMAS but original co-stars Alley THE WONDER YEARS Mills and Bruce THE RETURN OF THE KILLER SHREWS Davison are back in character.
Davison & Mills who sold their house in order to retire in Florida offer support to their new young friends as does their golden retriever Jake. Lisa has 3 puppies of her own including one who stole the wedding ring to help his owner land a man to ring in the New Year. Followed by the equally saccharine HOME FOR CHRISTMAS: A GOLDEN CHRISTMAS 3. - DirectorMichael FeiferStarsShantel VanSantenRob MayesOrson BeanHeather is a charming, free spirit, and Bobby is a naval officer home from serving overseas. Thanks to a fun-filled theater production of "A Christmas Carol," these two unlucky-in-love childhood friends may fall in love.Michael Feifer is a competent director whose name you never knew but given the scores of titles on his cinematic resume you're probably at least aware (in a disinterested fashion) of a video he created. He makes mostly violent serial killer dramas like ED GEIN: THE BUTCHER OF PLAINFIELD and sickeningly sweet romantic tv movies like THE 12 PUPS OF CHRISTMAS and THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS 2: THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS VACATION. Watching this syrupy sequel to Jay Capriani's earlier A GOLDEN CHRISTMAS and A GOLDEN CHRISTMAS 2: THE SECOND TAIL you'll see why he gets consistent work; he can set up a shot cheaply and he gets good results directing actors.
Florida is the balmy setting for HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: A GOLDEN CHRISTMAS 3 When the Ion Network 'regifted' this loose follow up to the 2009 telpic it was under the title LOVE FOR CHRISTMAS. Former childhood sweethearts Heather (Shantel THE FLASH VanSanten) & Bobby (Rob MISTRESS Mayes) drifted apart after school but get a 2nd chance at rekindling their puppy love as both meet again on the beach walking their well-behaved, angelic golden retriever pets, You'll spot the ending to this before the opening credits begin however the infectious smiles of a sincere ensemble will keep you watching. It's family friendly but not especially evocative of the festive season.
The script focuses on a local theatre's production of A CHRISTMAS CAROL where much of the tepid melodrama and low key comedy unfolds. Orson DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES Bean play a cranky old actor who hates dogs while Alexandra Peters who co-starred in the last film reappears to offer something by way of continuity. Alley THE WONDER YEARS Mills sat this one out but does appear in a brief cameo towards the happy ending. Slightly better than the mutts the tv pappy mills usually churn out. - DirectorPaul W.S. AndersonStarsChristopher LambertRobin ShouLinden AshbyThree unknowing martial artists are summoned to a mysterious island to compete in a tournament whose outcome will decide the fate of the world.I love video games so am aware of the MORTAL KOMBAT franchise which has been pushing the boundaries of violent content on consoles for 30 years although I've never played. The game series was initially created by John Tobias & Ed Boon for the defunct Midway. This hugely budgeted live action adaption was written by Kevin Dronen who also scripted the animated tie-in MORTAL KOMBAT: THE JOURNEY BEGINS. New Line hired the very inexperienced Paul W. S. Anderson to direct knowing there was 20 million dollars worth of special effects and a proven brand backing him up but it was a little risky with fledgling video game cross overs flopping throughout the late 90s. WING COMMANDER, DOUBLE DRAGON and SUPER MARIO BROTHERS were DOOMed and don't even get me started on Uwe Boll! Anderson however showed an affinity for the material & would follow up the success of MORTAL KOMBAT with the even bigger hit RESIDENT EVIL and it's endless stream of sequels.
An actor (Linden MELROSE PLACE Ashby), a hot Chinese Kung-Fu fighter (Robin DEATH RACE 3: INFERNO Shou) & a cop (Bridgette THE LAST ACTION HERO Nilson-Samparas) are the chosen heroes of Earthrealm! So what's Earthrealm & who exactly chose them, you ask? They were selected by Rayden (Christopher GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE Lambert): God of Lightning, defender of Earth to face MORTAL KOMBAT with CG augmented super-villains in the Outworld. These cosmic MMA types climb aboard a magic boat just like the one Witchipoo owned in H.R. PUFF'N'STUFF and sail to another dimension filled with demonic warriors named Subzero, Scorpion and the Barsoonian Goro who was an awkward-at-times special effect worn like a costume in kaiju cinema. The ruler of the Outworld is the soul-swallowing wizard Shang Tsung and if his team wins the final tournament Earth will belong to his hellish empire. Not even the wonderfully stone-faced Cary Hiroyuki Tagwa (who reprised the role for the webbish series MORTAL KOMBAT: LEGACY and MORTAL KOMBAT X) can convince you any of this foolishness makes even the least bit of sense. He's a lot of fun to watch though spewing colourful special effects and death threats throughout.
The fatalities which were ridiculously over-the-top in the games have been dialled back considerably to avoid what would certainly have been an X for gore. MORTAL KOMBAT is wall-to-wall cartoonish violence but not gruesome. Anderson as you know is as deft a film-maker as Joe Dante. He brings a lot of enthusiasm & wit to what is essentially a camp-fest. He keeps his cast flying from one fabulously choreographed fight sequence to another to a soundtrack loaded with pulse pounding techno-pop. It's a visually splendid CG heavy film that isn't as state-of-the-art today as it was 20 years ago obvs. Most of it's still eye-candy as are the energised cast many of whom would return for the 2019 game MORTAL KOMBAT 11. Only Shou and Talisa VAMPIRA Soto would return as Kitana for the highly anticipated 1997 follow-up MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION.
The sensational electronic soundtrack was a platinum seller in addition to a plethora of merchandise. Pat TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE Johnson & Jeff BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE Imady choreographed the bravura stunt work & physical combat sequences. The costume designs by Ha TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III Nyguyen capture the look of the characters to perfection. The make up effects by Todd FAR CRY Masters were striking as was the innovative creature effects from Amalgamated Dynamics. The multi-limbed Goro alone is almost worth the price of admission.Countless special optical FX people added to MORTAL KOMBATS powerful aesthetic including David X-MEN ORIGINS: THE WOLVERINE Jones, Denise X-MN: FIRST CLASS Davis & Brian THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT Jennings. They were rewarded with a hundred million dollar round of applause at the box office. Followed by a lesser than sequel in 1997 and a syndicated prequel series called MORTAL KOMBAT: CONQUEST that ran from 1998-1999. - DirectorJohn R. LeonettiStarsRobin ShouTalisa SotoJames RemarA group of martial-arts warriors has only six days to save the Earth from an extra-dimensional invasion.Before New Line's logo assembles itself for the opening credits a commanding voice cries out from the dark; 'MOORRTAALL KOMMBAT!!" while loud techo pop kicks your heart beats up 30 pumps per minute. In that brief, perfect moment you are psyched, stoked & ready to dive into the mosh pits of Hell and then MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION actually begins killing forever your momentary pop culture buzz. As you may recall, the Earthrealm warriors under guidance of the thunder god Rayden defeated the villainous denizens of Outworld in a tournament to determine the fate of mankind. According to the cosmic rule book the people of Earth should have been awarded a generation of peace in recognition of their impossible victory. The 1995 smash hit ended on a wild cliff hanger with the survivors returning to Earthrealm only to be attacked by an memorable Elder God special effect. This heavily promoted sequel which cost 10 million dollars more to make opens on a similar tableau.
Liu Kang; a hot Chinese Kung Fu fighter (Robin STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHU-LI Shou) & his deadly love interest Kitana (Talisa BALLISTIC: ECKS VS SEVER Soto) are back & ready to fight! Every other character appearing in MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION has been jarringly recast. James CRUISING Remar assumes the role of Earth's defender Rayden who watches helplessly as a portal to Outworld appears at Kang's Temple of Life unleashing his muscular, despotic brother (Brian FRIGHT NIGHT PART II Thompson) on our planet instead of the lifetime of peace the champions were owed. Shinnok (Rayden & Khan's father) has breached the code of the galactic heroes in order to seize the ultimate power from the Elder Gods. If the Earthrealm cannot close the portals in 6 days everybody dies! To prove their point Shinnok (Reiner AMERIKA Schoene) has Johnny Cage (Chris YOUNG HERCULES Conrad) killed on the spot & Sonja Blade (Sandra NICK FURY: AGENT OF S.H.E.I.L.D Hess) kidnapped to get the armageddon started. It all sounds more interesting than any of it ever actually is in retrospect.
The broken MORTAL KOMBAT team hurtle through magma tunnels inside Metroid like spheres looking for new recruits including Nightwolf (KULL THE CONQUER actor Litefoot) , Jade (Irena ZOOLANDER Pantaeva) and the cyborg Jax (Lynn MORTAL KOMBAT: FEDERATION OF MARTIAL ARTS Williams) but the odds are hopelessly stacked against them. How can these everyday heroes defeat centaurs, 4 armed amazons, Subzrero and Scorpion? Worse, Khan has enslave Kitana's mom to do his evil bidding. Midway game developers Ed Boon and John Tobias whose Mortal Kombat 3 was the inspiration for this flashy follow-up hated the adaption written by Bryce THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE Zabel & Brent HOLLYWOOD HOT TUBS 2: EDUCATING CRYSTAL Friedman. John THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT 2 Leonetti (the director) also expressed his bitter disappointment with the studio shutting down the production before key special effects sequences could be completed. MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION opened strong; finishing the week at #1 at the box office then plummeted straight to the bottom as critics and audiences alike turned up their noses killing New Line's plans for an ongoing, big screen franchise.
Friedman competently applied his skills as a cinematographer so was rewarded with the directorial responsibility when Paul W.S. Anderson was unavailable. He lacks grace & imagination. He allows most of the cast to demean themselves with awkward dialogue guaranteed to generate unintentional laughs. If you're a hardcore video gamer you'll enjoy the basket of Easter Eggs the team has hidden throughout but most of the references soared over the heads of unimpressed audiences. Hollywood Digital, Kleiser-Walczak FX, Digital Magic Company, Rainmaker Digital etc etc etc all had a CG hand in the bombastic, cartoon look of MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION not that you'll care. To my eye it's got slightly more polish than KRULL. If anyone deserves credit it's the mullety star Shou & his stunt double Tony Jaa who is an actor himself recently cast in EXPEND4BLES. The two choreographed much of the House of Moves motion captures working with dozens of stunt performers and martial artists. Hoping to undo the damage to the brand a prequel series called MORTAL KOMBAT: CONQUEST was launched for the syndicated market then quietly cancelled at the end of the 1998-1999 season. The still valuable license was acquired by Warner Brothers who released a reboot in 2021. - StarsCasper Van DienIan Anthony DaleSamantha WinA motley crew of fighters are recruited one by one to take part in a deadly inter-dimensional martial arts tournament in which the future of the planet itself is at stake.The now defunct Midway launched the classic video game franchise MORTAL KOMBAT 30 years ago & it remains in high regards around the world although it's not something I invested much time in personally. The supremely violent beat 'em ups became infamous for their over the top fatalities and was the brainchild of John Tobias and Ed Boon.
Their original game concept was duplicated for New Line Cinema's cultish big screen adaptation from 1995. The story goes that the champions of Earth must face MORTAL KOMBAT against the warriors of Outworld in a inter dimensional tournament. Should the Earthrealm heroes lose our fate is sealed and the despotic Shang Tsung will invade our peaceful planet. This web series consists of two 5 episode seasons with each episode lasting about 10 minutes in length. The 1st season is a prequel introducing the characters but differing substantially from the 1998-1999 series MORTAL KOMBAT: CONQUEST that aired in syndication. The remaining webisodes depict the fight to the death they must survive. Without a director with the story-telling ability of Paul. W.S. Anderson this material doesn't really appeal to me. Neither did the games. The only reason I looked was that Warner offered the vids as a bonus disc for their re-release of MORTAL KOMBAT & MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION double feature.
In 2010 Kevin Tancharoen created an 8 minute short called MORTAL KOMBAT: REBIRTH. It got enough views to warrant this low budget follow-up. He wrote most of the choppy (<See what I did there?) scripts along with Aaron THE FLASH Helbing & his brother Todd who created the recent CW show SUPERMAN AND LOIS. This cost only the tiniest fraction of what the movies did so be prepared to be completely underwhelmed by all of it including the stagy fights and minimal special effects.
The video starred Casper MORTAL KOMBAT X: GENERATIONS Van Diem as Johnny Cage, Cary-Hiroyoki LOST IN SPACE Tania & Johnson X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE Phan as Shang Tsung, Michelle THE STRANGE CASE OF DOCTOR JEKYLL AND MISTER HYDE Lee as Mileena, David MR. SUNSHINE Lee as Raiden, Samantha MAN OF STEEL Wynn as Kitana, Michael Jai ARROW White as Jax, Eric PRETTY LITTLE LIARS Steinberg as Subzero & Ian HAWAII 5-0 Anthony Dale as Hanzo to name some of the impressive talent involved. They don't do a lot of acting and the choreographed fights weren't thrilling. Ernie CATWOMAN Jackson & Laurell UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING Starall usually perform stunt work far superior to what they contributed. Fans will have mega tons more fun playing MORTAL KOMBAT than watching this promotional material. Tancharoen hoped to convince Warner and New Line to pony up 100 million for a franchise reboot based this
flashy hype. Aren't you glad they didn't? 3/10 - DirectorSimon McQuoidStarsLewis TanJessica McNameeJosh LawsonMMA fighter Cole Young seeks out Earth's greatest champions in order to stand against the enemies of Outworld in a high stakes battle for the universe.Todanobu SHARK SKIN MAN VS PEACH HIP GIRL Asano plays the glowy eyed lightning God Lord Raiden. The defender of Earth has a monastery in Tibet where monks rebuild cyborg heroes and fledgling warriors to MORTAL KOMBAT are taught to unlock their secret superpowers. MMA pit fighter Cole Young (Lewis 10,000 DAYS Tan) Sonja Blade (Jessica CHIPS McNamee), the bionic Jax (Mehcad DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES Brooks) & Lidi Lin as Kang are humankind's only hope. Lin co-starred in the unpopular woke reboot of KUNG FU that was so bad if John Carradine were still alive when it aired he would have hanged himself. These not great actors star as the undisciplined mortals who must survive a magic tournament in another dimension or see our planet invaded by Outerworld tyrants. They are aided more by CG fire dragons, mechanical limbs and super Earthrealm weapons as they are by martial arts skills.
Chin MARCO POLO Han plays the despotic ruler of Outerworld who has dispatched Sub Zero (Joe FAST & FURIOUS 6 Taslim), Kano (Josh SEA PATROL Lawson), Mileena (Sisi CHILDREN OF THE CORN Stringer), a four armed animated giant & a reptilian, slightly invisible demon to kill our heroes before the tournament even begins. The soul swallowing Shang Tsung played by Han is the only actor who compared favourably to the Paul Anderson cult classic fantasy from 1995. This cluttered mash up of a handfulul of MORTAL KOMBAT videogames over the last 3 decades and was the brainchild of producer James AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM Wan who successfully relaunched the brand after the property languished in the commersial fall out from 1997s MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION. This 50 million dollar reboot was released as a co production between Warner Brothers and New Line Cinema. For reasons I'll never understand the right to direct was awarded to 1st timer Simon McQuaid who surrounded himself with the best digital artists in Australia. The characters were mostly designed by Ed Boon & John Tobias for their classic console beat em ups. The only writer who contributed to this reboot as far as I could tell was Dave Callaham who wrote the poorly reviewed video game movie DOOM from 2005.
The wardrobe person was Cappi MAN-THING Ireland who was clearly out of her element. Wan also failed to recapture the excitement of the techno pop rich soundtrack that helped make the original so much fun! Ben IT!: THE ANIMATED SERIES Wallifisch doesn't contribute anything fresh. That too bad cuz this movie has about 50 sound techs so why does it sound like noise? Briefly, during the end credits you'll be rewarded with some recognizable tunes over the closing credits but this is an audio chore to sit through. A slew of digital typists programmed the fx action including Dan PATRICK: THE AWAKENING Bethell, Chris STEALTH Godfrey, Peter SUBTERANO Stubbs and Dennis SUPERBABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2 Jones to name a few. More attention was probably paid by the teams who worked on the gratuitously gory fatalities. The over-the-top executions are far more violent than even what genre fans were treated to in recent R rated cartoon MORTAL KOMBAT features. Do I think the hardcore violence makes this better? No. It looked staged and didn't feel fun like playing the games. Followed by MORTAL KOMBAT 2. - DirectorAngel Manuel SotoStarsXolo MaridueñaBruna MarquezineBecky GAn alien scarab chooses Jaime Reyes to be its symbiotic host, bestowing the recent college graduate with a suit of armor that's capable of extraordinary powers, forever changing his destiny as he becomes the superhero known as Blue Beetle.The BLUE BEETLE was a cultish superhero created by Charles Nicolas in 1939. By the 1960s the rights to the character belonged to Charlton Comics and was famously written by Steve Ditko who also created Captain Atom and The Question for the defunct publisher. When Charlton ceased production DC purchased a number of their superhero titles including the BLUE BEETLE and THE PEACEMAKER. The gadget loving inventor/crime fighter I remember as Dan Garrett evolved into Ted Kord for a 1983 solo series that ran for 2 years. The character was recreated to more closely resemble Marvel's MOON KNIGHT or DC's own Bruce Wayne/BATMAN with a Bat-cave of wonderful toys. By 2005 DC was undergoing a brand reboot called 52 which saw a number of properties made more marketable to the older 'kids' with more sophisticated tastes reading comics today. Ted Kord who was a billionaire inventor with magic scarab became the even less popular Jaime Reyes. The new incarnation is a Latin flavoured Peter Parker type with a Bat-cave of alien tech. The alien BLUE BEETLE suit has a list of IRON MAN-esque abilities and a gimmicky female voice. That version of BLUE BEETLE ran for 16 issues was the template for this 15th film in the DC cinematic universe. 2013's MAN OF STEEL got the occasionally white-hot franchise up and running but audiences haven't embraced the recent BLACK ADAM, SHAZAM: FURY OF THE GODS or THE FLASH which was crippled by a boatload of bad publicity generated by misbehaving star Ezra Miller. BLUE BEETLE was inexplicably assigned to a director & writer I'd never in my life heard of but were selected because they were Latino. It always amazes me when folks you've never seen shoot a toothpaste commercial are handed a 100 million dollars to make a blockbuster. For Angel Manuel Soto & Garreth Dunnett Alvarez the woke conceit of hiring ethnicity over experience may have hurt the bottom line. Audiences didn't respond favourably making BLUE BEETLE the least profitable film in the DCUs 2 decade history!
The central villain of the piece was given to Susan THE OTHER SIDE OF MIDNIGHT Sarandon who doesn't play it for camp like Faye Dunaway in SUPERGIRL or Sharon Stone in CATWOMAN. Depicting another senior actress using heavy arms for comedy gives this movie a few cheap laughs when needed but the inexperienced Alvarez & Soto hamstrung Sarandon by having her go for the gun too. Every time thereafter she tries to get tough with an AK-47 you smile. You didn't dare smile at Dunaway. She'd slap the smile off your face faster than that Christina kid no one believed. The Oscar winning actress also raised eyebrows recently for her support of Hamas after their attack on Israel in October 2023 shocked the world. That kind of racism won't sell tickets and neither did her partner in crime Raoul SCANNERS II: THE NEW ORDER Max Trujillo as an O.M.A.C. named Carapax. Sarandon wants to use the alien beetle tech to fire up an entire army of O.M.A.C.s to take over the world. Just a taste has made Trujillo a nano-robotic super villain with TRANSFORMER like abilities. He's snarly & charmless but also looks silly next to the 80 year old democrat with a bazooka.
Xolo COBRA KAI Meriduena plays the charismatic young man frequently under a thick, rubber costume crackling with scarab magic. The suit was intrusively voice acted by Puerto Rican singer Becky G. This is not a match made in heaven. Becky has no affinity for the material while her spoken dialogue with the BLUE BEETLE lack flow. Xolo is quite fun to watch fumbling around like THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO or quipping away like THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN. His wonderfully over equipped super suit pairs sharply with the O.M.A.C. Xolo is never alone. When he's inside the suit he's got Becky G. He's also surrounded by his homeless family 24/7! His sisters, his mom (Elpidea PREDATOR 2 Carrib) and dad (George BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA 3: VIVA LA FIESTA Lopez), etc. Some pilot his Beetle Plane or make inventory of the Kord hand-me-downs but he's never alone. He's completely upstaged by this helpful entourage who aren't the least bit vital. I wanted to get to know BLUE BEETLE and the 1st thing I can tell you is I wasn't thrilled with his family. They were everywhere and didn't ring true for one second. Leading your grandmother and little sister into apocalyptic battle is lame.
DC has been besieged with bad press since the catastrophic failure of BATGIRL and were hoping for something with the appeal of SHAZAM! to help make audiences forget metoo character assassin Amber Heard co-stars in AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM. I didn't hate BLUE BEETLE but it felt like watching the woke reboot of ONE DAY AT A TIME. Warner Brothers insists we'll be seeing more of the drastically reimagined superhero as future instalments are announced but there's none in the works for BLUE BEETLE II. A slew of digital animators from a half dozen code wranglers contributed to the eye popping visual elements. Day For Night, Digital Domain, Rise Special FX Studio, Creature Composition Effects and Rodeo FX were but of a few of the names representing scores of digital artists from around the world. I'm giving this rapidly paced adventure an extra star for the gorgeous opticals on display throughout. Who needs a REAL director anyway when you've got a warehouse of folks typing code that looks this good? Followed thematically by AQUAMAN 2. - DirectorJeff KanewStarsShelley LongCraig T. NelsonBetty ThomasA soon to be divorced Beverly Hills socialite is determined to prove to her husband and herself that she can finish what she starts out to do, by becoming a den mother to a troop of Beverly Hills Girl Scouts.Shelley Long who shot to fame on the classic sitcom CHEERS stars as a self indulgent Beverly Hills shopaholic about to lose her marriage to fed up husband Craig T. Nelson of the long running comedy COACH. Their daughter (Jenny BROOKLYN BRIDGE Lewis) hopes her likeable parents will kiss and make up. Her fashion obsessed mom Phyllis decides to prove her worth by becoming a Wilderness Girls troop leader. TROOP BEVERLY HILLS consists of a gaggle of diverse young actors with a vague THE FACTS OF LIFE vibe. Most of the child actors went on to have enduring careers like Tori BEVERLY HILLS 90210 Spelling, Kellie E.R. North, Emily SMALL WONDER Schumer, Ami PUNKY BREWSTER Foster & Carla FALCON CREST Gugino. This is a very sharply cast movie. The young actors are deployed into the plot as required and look like they're having more fun than I was watching. Not that I'm hating.
In addition to a promising batch of young actors this box office FLOP was loaded with veteran character actors like Stephanie DYNASTY Beacham, Mary SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Gross, Audra THREE'S COMPANY Lindley and Shelley WILL AND GRACE Morrison. Betty HILL STREET BLUES Thomas plays rival Wilderness troop leader determined to beat Phyllis at the annual Jamborie. Thomas has the funniest part & also directed Long in the 1st of THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE trilogy a few years later. Pee-Wee Herman, Pia Zadora, Cheech Martin, Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello have cute cameos.
Jeff V.I. WARSHAWSKI Kanew directed this good natured, uncomplicated family friendly film. Margaret SNL Oberman contributed to the story. Pamala Norris wrote the screenplay which closely resembles her work on the hit series DESIGNING WOMEN. Shelley Long's Phyllis is virtually inter changeable with Delta Burke's Susanne Sugarbaker. I saw this decades ago as a VHS rental and remembered not disliking it. Long's performance is enough to carry the light material. Phyllis who likes to chain smoke, curse occasionally & drinks like a sailor reads a lot edgier today giving this flick serious cult potential. A sequel has been announced and I'm gonna take a look. 5/10 - DirectorRichard DonnerDavid Mickey EvansStarsLorraine BraccoJohn HeardAdam BaldwinA father recounts a dark period of his childhood when he and his little brother lived in the suburbs.RADIO FLYER was the worst idea for a movie the usually reliable Richard Donner had since his tacky 1970 LOLITA rip off LOLA. The director who gained fame for launching the SUPERMAN & LETHAL WEAPON franchises also made the teen comedy THE GOONIES in 1985. Columbia desperately needed a director who could capture a youthful demographic because RADIO FLYER was a dramatic fantasy about brothers narrated by Tom TOY STORY Hanks. The studio paid a million and a half for a problematic script by 1st time writer David Evans who went on to write atrocities like ED, ACE VENTURA, JR: PET DETECTIVE and NATIONAL LAMPOON'S BARELY LEGAL in case you were wondering if the script was any good. Evans was also initially given the opportunity to direct his unique movie but had to be replaced early on. There was a problem and it was huge.
Lorraine RIZZOLI AND ISLES Bracco plays the single mother of 2 young boys played by Elijah MANIAC Wood and Joe BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY Mozzello. The younger brother is being violently assaulted by his oblivious Mom's new boyfriend; 'The King'. Fearing he may be murdered during the surreal, drunken attacks delivered by Adam THE WAR OF THE WORLDS: GOLIATH Baldwin, Mike (Woods/Hanks) comes up with an escape plan. Mike and Bobby decide to modify the child's little red wagon so that it'll be able to fly away. Mike intends to push his brother off a cliff basically with both having complete faith the wagon will fly. Now do you see the problem? I haven't been this off put by a tale of child abuse since the horror film FRAILTY! RADIO FLYER, unlike FRAILTY has nothing clever to fall back on. The loathsome idea child abuse can be 'wished away' if you're imaginative enough horrified almost everyone who had the misfortune of seeing it.
Donner was paid 5 million upfront to salvage this trite and tasteless tale of beaten kids. It was an impossible task. As watered down & sugar coated as RADIO FLYER wants to be it's all wrong headed and rather repulsive. It should have maybe a warning for kids not to try this at home as a solution if they're being abused. Laszlo JACK FROST Kovacks provided this sour viewing experience proper cinematography. Peter WHEN TIME RAN OUT...Donen, Chris CHILD'S PLAY Yagher & Kevin CHILDREN OF THE CORN III: URBAN HARVEST Yager all kicked in light hearted special effects AS IF they were filming an episode of Steven Spielberg's AMAZING STORIES. John SHARKNADO Heard and Ben THE LAST PICTURE SHOW Johnson also got conned into appearing in this unusually toxic trash. 3/10 - DirectorHoward ZieffStarsAnna ChlumskyMacaulay CulkinDan AykroydVada is obsessed with death. Her mother is dead, and her father runs a funeral parlor. When Vada's father hires Shelly, a makeup expert, and begins to fall in love, Vada is outraged and does everything in her power to split them up.MY GIRL was Anna Chlumsky's 1st taste of fame as a child actress. The Emmy nominated character actress has head lined series like HANNIBAL and VEEP in the new millennium. She plays a morbid yet reasonably well adjusted girl learning to cope with loss, change and grief with the support of her concerned father (Dan NORTH Aykroyd). It's been rough for her watching her grandparents entering their final stage of life while trying to come to terms with her father's decision to begin dating again so soon after the departure of her mother. The always reliable Jamie HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN II, HALLOWEEN H20, HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION, HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN KILLS, HALLOWEEN ENDS Lee Curtis knows Vada will warm up to her eventually because she's such a kind and understanding friend.
Vada is new to relationships so hasn't quite figured out whether it's OK for her dad to be dating. She's developed a teenage crush on her teacher Griffin AFTER HOURS Dunne who is super duper helpful & nice like everyone else in her affluent suburban neighbourhood circa 1972. Vada is probably the meanest character but only in a cute play pretend way with a classmate who suffers from allergies & puppy love. Thomas is the awkward, toe-headed boy who eventually becomes smitten with the girl as they share G-rated child hood adventures. Macaulay AMERICAN HORROR STORY Caulkin played the boy who wins Vada's heart just before the writer killed him off with a bee sting so everyone can hug and learn from their feelings. I shouldn't be so cynical. This movie's heart is in the right place. The director; Howard PRIVATE BENJAMIN Zeiff was in the early stages of parkinsons himself so sincerity and respect factors into the glossy mix.
Caulkin was probably the biggest child star since Shirley Temple and MY GIRL was sandwiched between his signatue blockbusters HOME ALONE and HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK guaranteeing this manipulative tear-jerker's success. Seriously, they give the kids their 1st kiss and 10 minutes later the anaphylaxic is laying in a casket and the studio is wondering how they're going to wring a few more bucks with a sequel with the kid dead. MY GIRL is as shamelessly manipulative as the more romantic minded LOVE STORY starring Ryan O'Neal and it works in the same calculated way. Or OLD YELLER lol. The director's biggest hit was probably O'Neal's comeback vehicle THE MAIN EVENT from 1979. This gently presented family friendly dram-edy was written by Laurice THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE Elehwany. Followed by MY GIRL 2 7/10..begrudgingly! - DirectorHoward ZieffStarsDan AykroydJamie Lee CurtisAnna ChlumskyVada Sultenfuss must go to LA to stay with her Uncle Phil to do some research on her mother's life, but finds much more.
- DirectorWilliam DearStarsJonathan Taylor ThomasDevon SawaScott BairstowThree brothers who are obsessed with animals are given permission from their parents to travel around America with a camera documenting wildlife.WILD AMERICA was a ridiculously over fictionalised account of the fondly remember PBS series MARTY STOUFFER'S WILD AMERICA. This fast paced but stupid adventure features 3 Stouffer teenage boys risking their lives to film animals up close & personal including moose, alligators, rattlesnakes and bears. The premise of this being a chronicle of wilderness documentaries is trampled by cheap melodrama & juvenile humour. The RL Marty Stouffer & his wife are cliched characters who serve no real purpose other than wag their fingers at their daring kids.
Jamey ARROW Sheridan & Francis BEVERLEY HILLS CHIHUAHUA 3: VIVA LA FIESTA! Fisher buy their handsome sons an expensive camera & send them across country seeking thrills & cheap laughs. Johnathan HOME IMPROVEMENT Taylor Thomas, Devan CHUCKY Sawa & Scott LONESOME DOVE: THE SERIES Barstow are all pretty good although the script is neither funny or especially accurate in it's depiction of animals, teenagers or their behaviour. Don RETURN TO FROGTOWN Stroud & Danny LONESOME DOVE Glover are poorly cast as wise travellers the trio meet in the woods.
WILD AMERICA was written by someone named David Wieger who hasn't worked before or since. William Dear directed with more visual grace than he displayed in his 1974 biker movie debut THE NORTHVILLE CEMETERY MASSACRE. This may be his best film but how many could there have been? Ken APE X MECHA APE: NEW WORLD ORDER Wilder & Nick THE MARINE 5: BATTLEGROUND Lawson handled the small visual & special fx crews comptently. There were more critter wranglers & stuntmen than technical artists anyway. I was impressed with the cinematography of David Burr who was nominated for an Oscar for MAD MAX: FURY ROAD. WILD AMERICA looks much better than it is! The casting of Barstow is also a sticking point. The promising actor plead guilty to a sexual charge involving a 10 year old girl so watching something with him in it has a certain 'ick factor' 4/.10 - DirectorRob ReinerStarsElijah WoodBruce WillisJason AlexanderSick of the neglect he receives from his mom and dad, a young boy leaves home and travels the world in search of new parents.Rob Reiner was a sitcom star known mostly for his work as Archie Bunker's foil for the 1st good seasons of ALL IN THE FAMILY. Like his wife Penny Marshall who co-starred in LAVERNE & SHIRLEY he took up directing when the acting jobs dried up. Reiner made a handful of hits including THE PRINCESS BRIDE, STAND BY ME, MISERY, WHEN HARRY MET SALLY and FOR A FEW GOOD MEN. NORTH was his first cinematic disaster. This critically reviled 40 million dollar FLOP earned a RAZZIE nomination for Worst Movie and another for Worst Director. The writers (Alan SNL Zweibel & Alan KANGAROO JACK 2 Scheinman) were also slapped with a nomination. This is a kid's movie without any value for children. It's the exact opposite of family entertainment. I can't imagine why it was made. Even the actors in this joyless, unfunny fantasy are terrible. Three of them took home RAZZIE nominations, too!
Elijah RADIO FLYER Wood who was an exceptional child actor mugs his way through this depressing fable about an unhappy boy who runs away to find new parents. NORTH's parents were played by Jason Alexander & Julia Loius-Dreyfus who were 1000 times funnier on SEINFELD. They are wasted in this laughless garbage. Bruce A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD Willis earned a RAZZIE nomination for a bizarre performance that saw him dressed up as a trucker or the Easter Bunny for 'comic effect' Dan BLUES BROTHERS 2000 Aykroyd and Kathy AMERICAN HORROR STORY Bates play two prospective new parents earning each a RAZZIE. It's not even that they were BAD. Almost every adult character the boy encounters behaves oddly or is a crude stereotype.
Some of the other actors who embarrassed themselves include Abe FISH Vigoda, Graham ECHO Greene, Reba TREMORS McEntire, Richard LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT Belzer and Jon NEWSRADIO Lovitz. Look close and you'll spot the now infamous Jussie Smollett in one of his highest profile early roles. He's terrible btw. The actor who promoted himself as a black/gay political activist for the Democratic Party in the U.S. derailed his career when he manufactured hate crimes for publicity. Smollett was involved with mailing himself racist death threats. An envelope was doctored to appear to contain anthrax. In addition to creating a terrorist hoax on the set of the Fox series EMPIRE, Smollett paid his drug dealing, Nigerian entourage to pretend to assault him. The racist actor then had free reign to tell the great big lie to fake news agencies around the world how he survived being lynched by two white Trump voters.
Smollett actually has a lengthy criminal record dating back 15 years mostly for lying to police and alcohol related offences. He was only 12 when he made NORTH but I still cringed when his name popped up in the credits. Cringe worthy would also describe how I view Rob Reiner these days. He hasn't made anything worth looking at since THE BUCKET LIST. Reiner's as Trump deranged as Smollett. Many of these indebted veterans of the Hollywood system living on the residuals from global streaming services or who have sponsorship deals with social media behave in an extreme fashion. Smollett and Reiner are best known in the new millennium for the hatred they share on fake news. One more reason never to watch NORTH. 1/10 - DirectorJeremy BoreingStarsJeremy BoreingBillie Rae BrandtDaniel ConsidineA down-on-his-luck former high school basketball coach will do anything to win, which in this case means leading his team of men to don wigs and brutally dominate in multiple women's sports.I heard about this fake news inspired race-baiting 'comedy' on the socialist media platform Twitter back in October '23 shortly before the unthinkably evil attack on Israel by Hamas. This overtly racist anti trans hit piece was filmed by the folks at the Daily Wire for next to nothing for the same global streaming services you know I never recommend. They are a magic carpet for bad politics and LADY BALLERS is a perfect example. Ben Shapiro was promoting this anti LBGT propaganda and I remember being royally irked because he is the 1st to play the Jewish race card when he feels the community is being disrespected. LADY BALLERS stinks of racism and I'll tell you why.
The trans community have been playing sports the same as non trans people since the advent of human history 2 million years ago. Anyone who seriously thinks trans play sports differently than non trans folks are racist beyond my ability to describe as criminally stupid. How homophobic do you really need to be to believe such a thing? Takes all kinds. In the 1940s a guy named Hitler thought Jessie Owens played sports differently than white people. Owens was black and Hitler was a big racist a**hole who badmouthed the black athletes with the same ignorant, genocidal glee as these heterosexual 'film makers' who obviously know nothing of trans culture. LADY BALLERS exists only to exploit the community for cash. It's as vicious towards trans as those Stepin Fetchit comedies circa WWII were towards the black community.
When Hamas attacked Israel last October I confronted several of these Daily Wire people over LADY BALLERS. I'm not trans but I've known trans my whole life. Trans are nothing like how the community is horribly misrepresented in this hatchet job. At the time of the assault on Israel I thought it was a crime against humanity. Then the fake newsers and governments of the world began condemning the Jewish people for defending themselves. I correctly pointed out that the Jews were being treated exactly like gays have been treated for decades in North America. The fake news and junk science stance is that the LBGT community suffers from internalised homophobia. Internalised homophobia is the exact same thing as the Jews defending themselves after the Oct/23 attack. These are the same folks who refer to gays (including LBGT youth) as 'queer'. Patricia Eaton was another celeb promoting the Daily Wire who demanded to know on twitter why 'The Queers' were defending Hamas against Israels counter attack. I explained it in a tweet. I said the pride flag was captured in the Obama era. The captured pride flag is painted in the dirt for citizens to trample here in north america. Our gay press went fake news 24/7 same as the CBC in Canada and CNN to the south. Our gay politicians are as toxic as Trudeau and Biden are to the masses. These 'queers' promoted by fake news have as much to do with the LBGT community as LADY BALLERS. The 'queers' you see on fake news are government issue corporal kingers who have as much to do with trans as those Nigerians had to do with Trump voters on nights Jussie Smollett goes for subway. Our flag's worthlessness is proven by it's use to spread anti Semitic hate and by the very existence of LADY BALLERS. That's why the Israeli flag is being trampled on North American soil...because in Canada and the US in the new millennium gays and Jews are treated with equal contempt by those in power.
The Daily Wire's LADY BALLERS came with a fake news promotion that included a petition reposted by all your favorite Twitter sponsored celebrities including Shapiro, Roseanne Arnold, Donald Trump Jr, James Woods, etc. The petition distributed by these flag waving racists reminded me of Nazi-ism too. I said to Trump Jr; "You ever hear of a movie called SOPHIE'S CHOICE? It was about a woman forced by Nazis to pick which of her children lives. Your petition to save women's sports from the trans threat is like that movie. Do you also believe straight folks are a threat to trans athletes? That sounds insane actually. Is that really a petition you think you should be posting?" Trump Jr flinched as did the celebs. I said to Roseanne her petition was a disgrace and proved it in a tweet. I said this Christmas if you care about trans athletes and women's sports donate locally to both. You don't have to chose online with ugly, racist petitions demanding you pick either one or the other. Don't chose to be a racist like everyone involved with the making of this hate crime. You can love trans and women's sorts equally. The people who made LADY BALLERS certainly don't. 1/10. - DirectorArchie MayoStarsGeorge RaftConstance CummingsWynne GibsonA successful ex-boxer opens a high-class speakeasy in what once was the childhood home of a formerly rich society girl.Real Life gangster George SOME LIKE IT HOT Raft filmed 8 movies back to back in 1932 becoming quite famous for 2; SCARFACE and NIGHT AFTER NIGHT which landed him top billing. The edgy pre code dramedy was based on Louis Bromfield's short story Single Night and adapted by Vincent MOON OVER MIAMI Lawrence. Raft helped his lifelong friend and occasional lover Mae I'M NO ANGEL West get cast as Maudie Triplet; one of the many women vying for Joe Anton's sexual affection. Mae was also permitted to write her own dialogue which crackles! NIGHT AFTER NIGHT is pretty good but 20 minutes in when Maudie the beautician make her unforgettable entrance the screen catches fire. Mae was an immediate hit with audiences. Raft had a Rudolph Valentino vibe and paired beautifully with his female co-stars which also included Wynne THE FALCON STRIKES BACK Gibson as Iris & Constance BROADWAY THROUGH A KEYHOLE Cummings as Jerry Healy.
Joe Anton buys the mansion of Jerry Healy's family who went broke during the great depression, transforming the property into the hottest speak-easy in New York. Despite his success he wants out of the business almost as bad as rival club owners. The mob wants to strong arm the fearless entrepreneur out of town while Anton just wants out of the racket. He's hired a respectable teacher (Alison THE GORGEOUS HUSSY Skipworth) to get him started on the right path. About then the former owner (Cummings) visits the popular dance hall to try to get her head together and effortless captures his heart. She is engaged to marry a wealthy man (Louis HIGH SOCIETY Calhern) who she doesn't love. Anton is determined to win her heart which sends his hot-blooded ex Iris into FATAL ATTRACTION mode endangering everyone including Anton's BF Leo (Rosco MINSTREL MAN Barns). Mae plays a bawdy pal of the ex fighter who playfully fills Cummings & Skipwoth in on Anton's sordid past!
Raft was as casually controversial as West having grown up with Bugsy Siegel as a buddy. He became as respected as Frank Sinatra in the criminal underworld and fronted for the mob when his Hollywood career dwindled. Raft who who was a boxer & dancer IRL was put on suspension by Paramount almost as soon as he was put under contract. By the 1940's he was wasting his talent on poverty row. One of the under-rated actor's final roles was in West's godawful comeback vehicle SEXTETTE that was also directed by NIGHT AFTER NIGHT's Edward Hughes. The friends died 2 days apart in November, 1980 and shared slabs in the same L.A. hospital morgue. NIGHT AFTER NIGHT is a watermark moment for both and holds up better than most of the 90 year old B&W classics you're likely to see in the new millennium. 7/10 - DirectorLowell ShermanStarsMae WestCary GrantOwen MooreIn the Gay Nineties, a seductive nightclub singer contends with several suitors, including a jealous escaped convict and a handsome temperance league member.In 1996 the National Film Registry petitioned the Library of Congress to preserve SHE DONE HIM WRONG due to it's cultural, aesthetic and historic value. The Oscar nominated Best Picture was also one of the top box office hits of 1933 & was based on the 1928 stage play Diamond Lil. Paramount hired Harvey THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO Thew & John SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE VOICE OF TERROR Bright to clean up the play written by the controversial Mae West as a showcase for her considerable talent. Her film debut in NIGHT AFTER NIGHT generated a media firestorm and her sudden star power afforded her a significant amount of creative control including the casting of a young Cary AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER Grant (whom she took credit for discovering) and also Louise BEULAH Beavers. West included black actors on stage and screen which at the time was as politically polarising as her risque material. In response to Lowell BORN TO BE BAD Sherman's film The National Legion of Decency was formed who took umbrage with the actress' overt sexuality and progressive views.
West plays the diamond loving Lady Lou who makes her living singing in Noah ZORRO RIDES AGAIN Berry's disreputable speakeasy. Berry is part of a prostitution ring who's boss includes Lou's possessive ex Owen A STAR IS BORN Moore as Chick. In between a half dozen brief but memorable musical numbers (composed by Ralph SWING HIGH, SWING LOW Ranger) Lou finds love in the arms of a Salvation Army ambassador named Captain Cummings (Grant). It's a testament to West's ability as an actress that the iconic actor evaporates on screen when they're together. Will the unlikely lovers survive together in a sea of dangerous white slavers? The film can be quite grim at times despite the double entendre and songs. It's an edgy slice of Americana set at the turn of the century which withstands the test of time.
Multiple Oscar winner Edith AIRPORT '77 Head created West's sensational wardrobe. The unconventional beauty is radiant in gowns she had to be sown into. The breath taking jewelry was furnished by Eugene JOAN OF ARC Joseph who adorned most of the leading ladies in Hollywood's glamorous golden era. Cinematographer Charles HOW THE WEST WAS WON Lang lit the legendary actress to perfection in addition to capturing the feel of the early 20th century. This 1st film headlining West is essential viewing for anyone serious about film history and rates 10/10 stars. This quotable B&W classic is a shining example of pre-code film making the artist struggled to create even after the draconian impositions made by the censors at the Hayes office in 1935. By the end of the decade West was let go by the studio after she was branded box office poison by the fake news press. Up next for West; I'M NO ANGEL. - DirectorWesley RugglesStarsMae WestCary GrantGregory RatoffCircus performer Tira seeks a better life pursuing the company of wealthy New York men with improbable comic complications along the way.I'M NO ANGEL was Paramount's top grossing film of 1933 and ranked #2 in box office overall. This B&W masterpiece was released almost consecutively with SHE DONE HIM WRONG also starring Mae GO WEST YOUNG MAN West and Cary ALICE IN WONDERLAND Grant. Grant (who doesn't even appear till 50 minutes into the musical comedy) plays a wealthy businessman who falls in love with a circus performer named Tira. West is sensational as the lion tamer who got to perform many of her own stunts including riding an elephant! When a fortune teller advises her to leave the show in pursuit of a rich husband she quits but her troubles follow along.
Tira was Big Bill's top draw and the ruthless carny wants her back under the big top. Edward THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER Arnold (Big Bill) orders Slick Wiley the pick pocket to find a way to break up the soon to be happily married couple. Although Tira remains true to her love Jack (Grant) is conned into believing she has been unfaithful with Slick (Ralf DELUGE Harolde). Furious and heartbroken that she's been dumped on her wedding day Tira sues her former fiancee for breach of contract which opens up a hilarious courtroom sequence where Tira's wonderfully sordid life is playfully exposed. West who preferred to include black actors in her films wrote solid supporting roles for Libby ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST Taylor and Gertrude UNCLE TOM'S CABIN Howard. Both are appealing as is the rest of the busy cast of pros.
Travis MOON OVER MIAMI Banton who was inducted into the Costume Designer's Hall of Fame in 1999 dressed the 40 year old ingenue to the nines. Wally THE WAR OF THE WORLDS Westmore provided Miss West her radiant glow in the make up chair. Cinematographer Leo THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL Tovar lit the stage for West who shines brightest of all. The always controversial Hollywood icon not only headlined I'M NO ANGEL she wrote the loaded script. This was West at her pre-code best. 15 years later when Paramount attempted to re-release the film the censors at the Hays office refused certification preventing it's distribution.
The censors weren't just on a witch hunt over Mae's progressive sexual politics and salacious material. I'M NO ANGEL was the 1st movie scored by a black man although it's not widely promoted. Harvey Brooks composed 6 terrific songs suited to the theatrical actress' range. Their musical collaboration is easily their finest soundtrack. It's beautiful work so you can see why the US government wanted it crushed underfoot. West's consistent loyalty to the gay and black communities made her an even bigger threat than she was perceived to be. In the new millennium a cartoon incarnation of Brooks can be seen teaching Duke Ellington in the series BIG MOUTH. Weslie Ruggles who was nominated as Best Director 2 years earlier for CIMARON also deserves a round of applause. If you haven't seen I'M NO ANGEL it's worth seeking out. This is ESSENTIAL viewing for a number of reasons but a tremendous performance by Mae West is at the top of the list. This is her masterclass moment. - DirectorAlexander HallStarsMae WestPaul CavanaghGilbert EmeryFormer dance hall queen Cleo Borden, newly rich, falls for and pursues an upper-crust Englishman.Mae SHE DONE HIM WRONG West was the highest paid and most controversial actresses in Hollywood the year she made GOIN' TO TOWN based on a screen story by lesbian choreographer Marion Morgan. Morgan likely helped set up the frugal staging of Samson and Delilah during the final act. It's an operatic number sung amidst a quartet of oily, black bodybuilders. Morgan was partnered with the only female director working during the Golden Age; Dorothy Arnez. Arnez got her start on 1922's BLOOD AND SAND starring Rudolph Valentino but the body of her work is under-rated. Between West's stature as a pop culture flash point, the minor importance of Morgan's progressive LBGT lifestyle and general consensus GOIN' TO TOWN is a comedy classic I'll recommend it...but with some reluctance.
West rewrote the material as a broad showcase for her considerable talents. She's been given the prerequisite number of songs courtesy of Steve UNION PACIFIC Pasternacki, Tom THE GILDED LILY Satterfield and John STAGE COACH Leipold and a glamorous wardrobe saturated in jewels & fur. Travis Banton also dressed West beautifully in I'M NO ANGEL. That's enough to earn this melodramatic story of a cattle rancher trying to woo a reluctant Englishman (Paul HILLBILLIES IN A HAUNTED HOUSE Cavanagh) on vacation in Buenos Aires it's status as a cult classic. It not something I enjoyed greatly and Cavanagh's stogey performance was especially detrimental in a comedy with few laughs. He's stuffy as a class conscious Earl who's caught West's winking eye. She and her devoted lawyer (Gilbert DRACULA'S DAUGHTER Emery) follow the snooty oilman from Texas to South America hoping to prove to the old fart she's a proper lady worthy of marriage.
Cleo (West) outrages the wealthy friends and family of the employee she's been sexually harassing who vow to destroy her. Marjorie THE SECRET STORM Gateson as Mrs Brittony is ok as the snob who orders her Russian gigolo (Ivan THE MYSTERY OF MR WONG Lebedeff) to sabotage a racing event her horse is in competition to win. Ivan decides he'd rather dump Brittony for Cleo so tries to figure out a way to split her and her unrequited love up. The plan is for Cleo to marry Brittony's brother Colton (Monroe TEN CENTS A DANCE Owsley) who's drowning in gambling debt. The respectable Lady Cleo & the gambling addict she married out of convenience move to Southampton but instead of making the Earl jealous it makes Brittony even more determined to run her out of town. The brazen socialite's operatic performance attracts the attention of goons who come looking for the money Cleo's suicidal husband owes. There's a lot happening yet GOIN' TO TOWN feels lethargically paced. Cinematographer Klaus THE GREAT DICTATOR Struss lit Miss West like Yankee Stadium. At times Cleo looks like Cillian Murphy at the end of SUNSHINE. Probably he worked harder than the director Alexander HERE COMES MISTER JORDAN Hall who doesn't appear overly enthused with this turgid material either. B&W 5/10 - DirectorHenry HathawayStarsMae WestWarren WilliamRandolph ScottA movie star, stranded in the country, trifles with a young man's affections.This would be the 7th film the iconic Mae West made at Paramount under increasing pressure from the censors/hypocrites at the Hays Office to clean up her act. She would only make one more at the studio before they cancelled her contract. GO WEST, YOUNG MAN was one of their finest collaborations despite the unsavoury politics at play behind the scenes. It was also the 1st film based on a script/character not conceived by the actress herself. This enjoyable farce was based on the 1934 play 'Personal Appearance' by Lawrence Riley tailored by West to suit her unique screen personae. Mae plays an lusty actress known the world over but under contract to remain pure as the driven snow. The strict moral codes she's expected to obey forbid sex outside the bonds of marriage. She has no intention of waiting 5 years. The studio will be lucky if Mavis Arden can hold off 5 minutes when she lays her eyes on a muscular mechanic (Randolph Scott) servicing her Rolls.
Scott became a star in 1932 (same as West) when he was cast in HERITAGE OF THE DESERT by director Henry TRUE GRIT Hathaway. Both are out of their 'western element' but are quite wonderful paired with West. The stage is a rustic boarding house in the country run by Mrs Struthers (Alice Brady who would be nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar the following year for IN OLD CHICAGO) and her old fashioned Aunt Kate (Elizabeth THE CAT CREEPS Patterson) who believes ladies who wear Miss Ardens' hair colour usually don't show their painted faced until after dark. The relatively unknown Margaret Perry played the youngest who is star struck by the flashy stranded celebrity & too innocent to understand Mavis has decided to use her mechanic to service her own parts after he gets her 22,000.00 limited edition car back on the road. I've never seen Perry in anything else but heard she married Paul Fanning who directed THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE. She does a Marlene Dietrich impersonation that is spot on funny. Lyle COMMANDER CODY: SKY MARSHALL OF THE UNIVERSE Talbot is the frantic studio exec who assigned William THE WOLF MAN Williams to manage her public relations. Aunt Kate thinks Mavis needs to cut back on her outrageous public relations so decides to help the manager keep Scott out of her clutches. Williams is secretly in love with the hot to trot actress himself adding complexity to the genial romp.
GO WEST, YOUNG MAN features a few musical numbers although neither is elaborately staged or especially memorable. Herbert DEATH VALLEY DAYS Taylor scored westerns so his contributions were minimal. Academy Award winning composer George ANCHORS AWEIGH Stoll wrote a decent song for Mae to croon along the engaging way. Gay actor Kevin Spacey who has fallen victim to the MeToo lynch mobs in recent years loves Stoll's work. Before his career was destroyed by the Middle Eastern sexual blacklist imported to north america as 'MeToo' he heard Stoll's Oscar was for auction & bought it so that it could be returned to the Academy. He's a lot nicer than fake news would have you believe. So was the bawdy screen goddess herself in this minor comedy classic. Recommended in beautiful B&W 6/10 stars - DirectorEdward F. ClineStarsMae WestW.C. FieldsJoseph CalleiaAfter a scandal runs a gold-digger out of town, she meets a con artist and becomes embroiled in a string of petty deceits.W.C. Fields was a vaudevillian star nearing the end of his life and career at the time he made this much-ballyhooed western/comedy. The Chaplinesque performer who was hailed as the world's greatest juggler became far more famous during the 1930's for his films. Despite a promising start in the business with MILLION DOLLAR LEGS by the end of the decade he was recreating his wonderful routines on the radio while frequently drunk. His health was rapidly deteriorating & he spent 3-4 years of few he had remaining hospitalised. MY LITTLE CHICKADEE & the next 2 features he made with director Edward THE NAUGHTY FLIRT Clive in 1941 would be his final starring roles. Fields who was not popular with the studios because of his tough negotiations died in a sanitarium in 1946.
Mae West also enjoyed a meteoric rise to super-stardom with the release of NIGHT AFTER NIGHT and SHE DONE HIM WRONG co-starring Cary Grant (who she took credit for discovering). She learned her craft on the legitimate stage and burlesque theatres in the roaring 20's. Her risque play 'Sex' brought the provocative actress/writer a ton of free publicity when a judge ordered her jailed for 10 days for offending the morals of the community and corrupting Christian youth. The publicity seeking West leapt on the tabloid headlines & rode them into the executive offices at Paramount where she remained through much of the dirty 30's. SHE DONE HIM WRONG and I'M NO ANGEL made her an international sex symbol and the most powerful woman in Tinsel Town.
West was as politically intimidating and as beautiful as Hanoi Jane Fonda. As public figures go West was as controversial as 80's Madonna for her progressive sexual politics and as white hot as Farrah Fawcett was in the 70's. She was as magnificent as Marilyn Monroe in the 50's. She was also as unpopular as Fields working in the studio system because she was a demanding artist. Unfortunately the Hays office began it's unholy assault on free speech in 1935 imposing crippling censorship and restrictions that had an immediate negative impact on the overall quality of her work into the 1940's. The fake news press distributed a list of un-bankable stars that also included Fred Astaire, Greta Garbo, Marlene Dietrich and Katherine Hepburn to help ruin her career in the years leading up to the era of blacklisting/McCarthyism. Paramount used the bad publicity as an excuse to give West the boot despite her loyal fan-base. The studio couldn't make her movies because of the political impositions/road blocks being used to control the industry so cancelled her contract in 37; the year Fields also had to find a job on radio.
Universal saw a wonderful opportunity to cast the iconic, available performers in this instant comedy classic and allowed the still very creative artists to write their own script...a stipulation either would have demanded regardless. Edward Cline was one of the few directors Fields could tolerate because he allowed comics to improvise. In the sexist days of the studio system Cline would be considered a 'man's director' but his own razor sharp sense of humour was proven throughout the silent era working on projects with Buster Keaton. He won over her trust. Cline was given an honorary Academy Award in recognition of his mostly now forgotten work so MY LITTLE CHICKADEE at 85 may be his BEST and best known film in the millennium. It was certainly a feather in the cap for everyone involved despite the much more challenging uncensored material the Hays Code permitted into the final cut. Genre fans looking back at BLAZING SADDLES sometimes flinch at the unsanitized jokes and Brooks insightful poke at social issues. 70's blaxplotation can be a shock if you've never had the pleasure. This odd couple mash up is considerably less explicit than the overtly racist movies being made 50 years ago but no less painful to look occasionally. George Maren who was acquainted with Fields through minstrel shows plays his loyal Native American friend who sleeps on the floor at the side or the reprobate's bed like a dog. He's referred to as a 'red rascal' and a 'savage injun' fyi so yes MY LITTLE CHICKADEE will shock and awe your dainty world. But really, you have to know; nothing about Mae West ever was P.C. so gird your loins! The lady pulls few punches...
West plays the worldly showgirl Flower Belle Lee who's scandalous, consensual association with a highwayman gets her blacklisted & run out of town on the next stagecoach. The Ladies Vigilante Committee led by Margaret THE WIZARD OF OZ Hamilton tells the dirty blond to hit the dusty trail & to not return unless she's respectable & married. She's so funny you'll want to forget how chilling the implication are like watching the Indian curl up on the floor. This was the era of Stepin Fetchit & CHARLIE CHAN movies. Goes with the territory. Flower Belle immediately falls in with a con man named Cuthbert Twillie (Fields) who agrees to pretend to be her husband while she survey's competition from Joe TOUCH OF EVIL Calleia & Dick THE MUMMY'S HAND Foran. In between cute double entendres West is given one lackluster song to sing. You may never want to dance to it but you'll smile along politely anyway as she croons; 'Willy of the Valley' and nod in agreement as she reveals to you without coyness all the places her pal Willy has taken her having been there/done that yourselves. West camps it up in the classroom opposite William Bennett who was a staple of THE EAST SIDE KIDS/THE BOWERY BOYS shared multiverse. It's come to her attention the unruly boys require discipline and decides to educate the kids on government propaganda, obedience & personal empowerment. Fields and her together are almost too much fun although it's been rumoured they bickered like Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd on the set of MOONLIGHTING or Bette Davis & Joan Crawford during production of WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE? The gossip swirling behind the scenes only adds to the intrigue, doesn't it?
The full-figured West who was pushing 50 looks sensational. She doesn't demean herself or permit herself to be demeaned as would happen with her horrifying comeback vehicles MYRA BRECKINRIDGE (1970) & SEXTETTE (1977). Eugene Joseff who'd showered starlets in jewels since GONE WITH THE WIND give her extra sparkle. Vera West who was almost as well known as Edith Head gift wrapped the bombshell in fabulous costumes that will make you wish this cultish comedy was colourised. Mae was also blessed to have Oscar winning cinematographer Joseph Valentine lighting her to perfection just as he did for Ingrid Bergman in JOAN OF ARC. This is a magic time capsule of a film historians will find fascinating. Modern audiences who grew up watching Miss Yvonne be innocently subversive every Saturday morning on THE PEE WEE HERMAN SHOW will catch West's very appealing drift. 7/10 - DirectorMichael SarneStarsMae WestJohn HustonRaquel WelchAfter undergoing gender reassignment surgery, an aspiring actress travels to Hollywood, where she also wants to make a claim on her wealthy uncle's estate.20th Century Fox acquired the rights to Gore Vidal's bestselling satire MYRA BRECKINRIDGE which concerned the outrageous sexual exploits of a transsexual man named Myron seeking fame and fortune as Myra. The controversial part was assigned to Rachel Welsh who became an internationally known icon after appearing in classic films like THE FANTASTIC VOYAGE and ONE MILLION YEARS B.C.. David Giler wrote the screenplay. This was his 1st film but he would go on to write and or produce every instalment of the studios ALIEN franchise. Vidal loved his adaption. Things were looking promising until Michael Sarne was inexplicably hired to direct. The uncouth Sarne who was no friend to the LBGT community was young and had directed the swinger dramedy JOANNE which Vidal described as; 'the 2nd worst movie he had ever seen.' Sarne smoked pot mostly like Kevin Smith while royally screwing everything up including Giler's screenplay which he butchered.
The radical/sexually subversive character of Myron/Myra was an homage to drag queen John Breckinridge who co starred in Ed Wood's PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE. Sarne eliminated the Myron aspect of Welsh's performance de-balling her character and undermining Vidal's novel. Film critic Rex Reed was cast as Myron instead. She's bad. He's worse. Together they are painful to watch. This movie isn't about redefining sexual politics any more than THE BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES was a realistic attempt to explore courtroom intrique. The deviations from the source material reduced this beautifully cast film to the level of an X rated sex comedy. Given the subject matter which was considered wildly controversial at the time the certification board was certain to come down hard on MYRA BRECKINRIDGE before they even saw the jaw-droppingly bad final cut. This was one of two high profile, provocative movies Fox released in 1970 with the dreaded X certificate the other being BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. Both were box office BOMBs and have developed a reputation as being among the worst movies ever made.
Myra pretends to be the grieving widow of her former self; Myron. She attempts to con her uncle into believing her lie and takes a job at his studio until he can check out her story. The legendary director John THE AFRICAN QUEEN Huston who played Myra's uncle clashed violently with the unruly Sarne who alienated everyone on set with his unprofessional behaviour. 1930s sex symbol Mae I'M NO ANGEL West was making her comeback after a 27 year screen absence in the slutty role of talent agent Liticia Van Allen. West & Welsh who shared one scene hated each other on sight and turned their rivalry into a feud as scandalous as what allegedly went down between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford on the set of WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?. The warring divas also fired shots at the then unknown Farrah Fawcett who plays Mary Anne; the woman Myra lusts after. Little did they know Fawcett would eclipse both as a 70s sex pot for her smash hit series CHARLIE'S ANGELS. She would also walk away from MYRA BRECKINRIDGE with her career undamaged unlike her better known peers who never fully recovered from the critical fallout. To get her manicured mits on Mary Anne Myra has to drive her boyfriend away. Roger Herron played the college student's lover who Myra rapes with a strap on dildo. Neither Herron or Reed got to act much after this career killer, needless to say. To make it up to her victim Myra sets him up with Liticia who's already got a stud on the go (Tom MAGNUM P.I. Selleck) but has room for more. Before Myra can full fill her dreams the entire awful bastardisation of Gore Vidal's book is revealed to be a hallucination experienced by a young man (Reed) recovering from an accident in hospital.
At 77 years of age Mae comes across as a grotesque parody of the legendary performer she was. She has a sensational wardrobe and one decent musical number but she's just too goddamned old! In a movie weighed down with terrible performances hers is the worst! Jim THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND Backus, John THE BLOOD OF DRACULA'S CASTLE Carradine, pop singer Toni Basil, Roger HARDLY WORKING Carmel , Calvin PREDATOR 2 Lockhart and gossip columnist Hedda Hopper's son William (whose last film this was) also appear. Vidal disowned MYRA BRECKINRIDGE which was savaged by critics and dismissed by mainstream audiences. His sequel novel Myron published in 1974 isn't much of an improvement. Cinematic masochists might enjoy the godawful spectacle that is MYRA BRECKINRIDGE but most wisely won't even bother 1/10 - DirectorKen HughesStarsMae WestTimothy DaltonDom DeLuiseOn the day of her wedding to her sixth husband, a glamorous silver screen sex symbol is asked to intervene in a political dispute between nations, which leads to chaos.Legendary Hollywood sex-pot Mae I'M NO ANGEL West who was unquestionably one of the most powerful & influential pop icons in the 1930s wrote SEXTETTE as her 'comeback' vehicle. Mae was as magnificent as Marilyn Monroe at the height of her international fame. Seeing her vamp at 83 is (at times) cringe-worthy. It's not unlike that time Michael Jackson's nose fell off. It was gone forever like the beloved actress' ability to generate the sex appeal necessary to sell this burlesque material. Remember last year when the nearly 70 year old Madonna revealed her butchered face at the awards show and her fans collectively gasped in horror? Same deal with SEXTETTE. If you love Mae seeing her in this role is a little heart-breaking. Marlo is a bed-hopping actress honeymooning with husband number 6: Lord Barrington. He is described as 'Bigger than 007' in the script and was played by Timothy Dalton nearly a decade before he got to play James Bond in THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS and LICENSE TO KILL. You will not believe for one second he is overcome with lust no matter how many times she coo's; 'The British are coming!' He was 50 years younger than his bride and was not able to suspend our disbelief. The two lack rapport never mind body chemistry. At the Stinkers Awards West took home Worst Actress & won another for 1/2 of the Worst Screen Couple shared with Dalton.
The script was based on a play that ran briefly off broadway in 1961. Herb Baker adapted the script with all the comedic flair he applied to THE SOUPY SALES SHOW or that FRANCIS THE TALKING MULE B-Movie he got to make in the 1950s...none whatsoever! At the end of his banal career he was gifted this 4 million dollar musical and THE JAZZ SINGER as a studio send off. Both were infamous FLOPs. Ken Hughes was a competent English director who rarely ever got to make anything good. Disney's CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG was his only real hit. He's better known for his box office failures like CASINO ROYALE or DROP DEAD, DARLING which starred Tony Curtis. The SOME LIKE IT HOT actor co-starred alongside Dalton as 1 of Marlo's half dozen husbands. Other unconvincing amorous exes include George DYNASTY Hamilton as a gangster and former Beetle Ringo CAVEMAN Starr as a producer named Lazslo. The slap-schticky story you aren't going to believe involves Marlo's assistant trying to keep Lord Barrington occupied while she's farcefully flirting with all the men from her past. Marlo lounges in her gold swan mega-bed while the men scramble around the luxury hotel looking for her lost audiotape which could incriminate half the U.N. Meeting upstairs.
The musical numbers were choreographer by Marc Breaux who last worker on the 1969 variety show THE HOLLYWOOD PALACE by way of experience. Artie GREAT BROADWAY MUSICAL MOMENTS FROM THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW Butler wrote a handful of forgettable tunes built around Marlo's dubious mystique as did Van McCoy who contributed terrible work for the GREASE 2 soundtrack. The opening number is a tacky rendition of 'Hurrah, For Hollywood' featuring flouncing bellboys tossing Marlo's gucci bags upstairs while maids & reporters have a clumsy dance party in the lobby. The plus sized bride just stands there in her Edith Head gown like a deer frozen in headlights. Dom THE CANNONBALL RUN II DeLuise tap dances over a glass piano paired with a cardboard cut out of Marlo because West was incapable of performing in the routine. It doesn't work. DeLuise has a creepy 'Baby Stewie' vibe. Alice PRINCE OF DARKNESS Cooper has a singing part near the end that is tolerable because the camera loves him. West & Dalton destroy a duet of Love Will Keep Us Together'. I'm giving this cruelly received vanity pic 1 star for the 1 song they got right; Happy Birthday 21
Mae innocently slut-walks into a gym filled with Mr Universe contestants wearing speedos expressing her sudden interest in pole vaulting. While the guys pose for the lascivious octogenarian she croons the only decent number in her shaky vocal range to a young bodybuilder. It's filthy in a PG-13 way. You may wince or wonder why but you won't hate it. Everything else however...! Film critic Rex Reed who was in West's disastrous 1970 MYRA BRECKINRIDGE described her performance as instructional if you're looking for a job as a senile French prostitute. That's funnier than anything said in SEXTETTE. This career killer was the last for Walter WON TON TON: THE DOG WHO SAVED HOLLYWOOD Pigeon and the 2nd last for George Raft who co-starred with West in her 1932 classic debut NIGHT AFTER NIGHT. Excepting West, this well cast Crown International release included Ian JACK FROST 2: REVENGE OF THE KILLER MUTANT SNOWMAN Abercrombie, Keith SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND Allison, Regis LIVE WITH REGIS AND KELLY RIPPA Philbin, Peter GHOULIES IV Liapis and Keith TOMMY Moon. SEXTETTE really does deserve a lot more cult love than it gets. The gays who enshrine musicals turned their noses up at it as did the film masochists. The stench of decay drove too many away for SEXTETTE to become the camp classic it tries so hard to be. Double dare you! - DirectorMatthew MillerStarsPamela ReedJohn TerryMelora HardinBehind the scenes of Aaron Spelling's nighttime soap opera.DYNASTY was the campy prime time soap produced by Aaron Spelling for ABC in the wake of earlier top rated hits CHARLIE'S ANGELS, FANTASY ISLAND and the LOVE BOAT. The glitzy melodrama was an obvious rip off of the CBS hits DALLAS and KNOTS LANDING which debuted in 1978 & 1979 respectively. DYNASTY shot to the top of the ratings leaving FLAMINGO ROAD & even FALCON CREST in pop culture dust. The network was never entirely comfortable with their 'guilty pleasure'. It earned a few Emmys but never enjoyed the prestige of Spelling's critically acclaimed FAMILY. ABC commissioned the married Shapiros to design a spin-off DYNASTY II: THE COLBYS that ran between 1986-1987. When THE COLBYS ended the jet setting Carringtons reunited with their Californian cousins for the final, ninth season in 1989 and again for the 1991 mini series DYNASTY: THE REUNION. DYNASTY remains the most watched dramatic program in the history of ABC and was successfully reimagined by the CW in 2017. The revamp ran for 5 seasons while heavily promoted on global streaming services. After that woke (but entertaining!) incarnation folded the franchise surfaced again as DINASTIJA for eastern european television. The Russian reboot has logged in 66 episodes since it's PINK premiere in 2021. DYNASTY: THE MAKING OF A GUILTY PLEASURE is a pithy, behind the scenes, tell-all, TV movie chronicling the tabloid reported scandals that rocked the fake news world back in the pre internet days.
Richard and Esther Shapiro who also created EMERALD POINT: NAS were played by Pamala YOUNG DOCTORS IN LOVE Reed and Ritchie HOME AND AWAY Singer. They reminded me of Mary Woronov and Bart Martel in the best possible way. Nicholas THE AMAZING SPIDER MAN Hammond is the uber rich Spelling and John SEDUCTION: THREE TALES FROM THE INNER SANCTUM Terry plays the demanding honcho at the beseiged network. This Australian pic was cast mostly with their own actors. Burt THE YOUNG DOCTORS John & Melora LITTLE HOUSE: LOOK BACK TO YESTERDAY Hardin play actors John Forsythe & Linda Evans who rose to the heights of success as Blake and Krystle Carrinton. Rachael JESSICA JONES Taylor and Red HEARTBREAK HIGH Hunt play actors Catherine Oxenberg & Al Corely who were both unceremoniously dumped from the cast after only 2 seasons each. They played Blake's children Amanda and Steven by his 1st wife Alexis Morrel Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan. Alexis was played by the iconic Joan Collins who became as famous as J. R. Ewing and Darth Vader combined. The always engaging Alice CHILDREN OF DUNE Krige does the actress justice and the bitchy character. Kyrstle & Alexis cat fighting has been hilariously restaged along with a dozen other catty scenes certain to make you smile. Krige's excellent performance not only makes DYNASTY: THE MAKING OF A GUILTY PLEASURE worth watching, she gives it replay value. The actress is larger than life and knocks her gossipy material out of the park with ease.
Krige's many male co stars included John EMMERDALE: THE DINGLES DOWN UNDER Gregg as Lloyd Bochner (husband #2 Ceci Colby), Rory DECADENT EVIL II Williams (husband #3 Dex Dexter) & John CHILDREN OF THE CORN Garner as Collins RL hubby Peter Holms (#4 of 5). Most of the original series cast have dismissed this unusually witty flick as being as worthless as the National Enquirer & Entertainment Tonight stories that saturated the decade.Michael Miller (the writer/director) has kept busy with better known series like CHUCK and LETHAL WEAPON. DYNASTY: THE MAKING OF A GUILTY PLEASURE isn't his best work. The script is superficial & plays fast & loose most of the time. Steven's homosexuality which was explored with considerable depth during DYNASTY's 1st season was a cause celebre circa 1981. The movie focuses a little on the politics of the day by including clips of President Reagan & drag queens partying like each episode had the entertainment value of THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. Robert THE PHANTOM Coleby recreated the hype of Rock Hudson joining the cast in season 5 only to discover later he was infected with HIV. The disease which largely impacted the LBGT community in North America during the 1980's generated a media firestorm at the time. It's mentioned here briefly. Most of the RL dirt has been neatly swept under the rug. As gossipy bio pics go DYNASTY: THE MAKING OF A GUILTY PLEASURE isn't as juicy as GROWING UP BRADY or SURVIVING GILLIGAN'S ISLAND but it's funnier than both of them slapped together with THE UNAUTHORISED MELROSE PLACE STORY. If you watched DYNASTY you're going to want to have a look but you're not going to see anything new or hear anything you haven't heard before. 6/10 - DirectorMartin CampbellStarsRyan ReynoldsBlake LivelyPeter SarsgaardReckless test pilot Hal Jordan is granted an alien ring that bestows him with otherworldly powers that inducts him into an intergalactic police force, the Green Lantern Corps.Between Marvel superhero pics BLADE: TRINITY & DEADPOOL Canadian actor Ryan THE AMITYVILLE HORROR Reynolds donned the CG tights for this adaptation of of DC's GREEN LANTERN. The character of Alan Scott was 1st created by Martin Nordell in 1940 and last seen in the series STARGIRL. When DC acquired the property Gil Kane rebooted the brand with Hal Jordan as a member of the Green Lantern Corp; a group of 3600 intergalactic heroes who've sworn an oath to immortal Guardians who rule from planet Ao. As much as I enjoyed the character of GREEN LANTERN his very popular comic wasn't one I routinely purchased or had any desire to see on the big screen. I was lured in by the massive online promotion that announced the launch of DC's own cinematic universe and was dissatisfied with the end results. Martin Campbell was a 'safe bet' to direct but he turned in another banal blockbuster like CASINO ROYALE or THE LEGEND OF ZORRO.
GREEN LANTERN is all about the CG! Over a decade ago fan boys weren't thrilled by the quality of the work and I agree. This is elaborately designed but doesn't have a huge visual pop. Reynolds costume is especially overdone to the extent it's pulsations & energy flow is distracting. It also looks unnatural in flight like the classic movie serial ATOM MAN VS SUPERMAN from 1950 which attempted to depict the hero by inserting Max Fleisure SUPERMAN cartoons in to pass for special effects. My other complaint is the volume of characters who are cartoons. During his time on Ao Reynolds is set against so much animation I thought I was watching COOL WORLD or WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT. Having watched this for a 2nd time very recently I'm not surprised to say they aren't holding up as well as you'd expect. I thought the CG in Raimi's older SPIDER-MAN trilogy was superior and holds up better in 2024. DC was banking heavily on this film's launch so tried incorporating as much of Gil Kane's science fiction based backstory as possible. They may have bitten off more than they could chew. This feels cluttered with unnecessary stuff like 2013's MAN OF STEEL. A case of too many cooks perhaps? Michael HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX Goldenberg, Marc LEGENDS OF TOMORROW Guggenheim, Michael BLADE RUNNER 2049 Green & Greg SUPERMAN & LOIS Berlanti got lost in the 'bigger picture' of the DCU Warner Brothers was going to market. These writers play it PG safe and cater to Reynolds considerable quippy strengths. I'm not knocking any of them but the end result is on par with GHOST RIDER or THE LOSERS as escapist comic book fare IMO. It's lacking.
TOP GUN Hal Jordan is haunted by the loss of his heroic pilot dad but is as fearless himself in the cockpit as his love interest (Blake GOSSIP GIRL Lively) Carol Ferris would agree. This pretty pairing is only a fraction as interesting as Wade & Vanessa from DEADPOOL 2 and the writers are to blame. Hector Hammond also only appears to be casually acquainted with Hal. Bill THE BATMAN Scarsgard gives an erratic performance as the psychic mutant who is cut from the same cloth as Brainiac or Modok. There's no screen chemistry between them either. You sense strongly Hector's mental illness before he's transformed into a telepathic freak with a big giant head but there's no real sense these characters share any deep personal involvement. Scarsgard's dysfunctional & repulsive character took a wrong turn because he didn't get enough hugs from his father Tim HOWARD THE DUCK Robbins who's studying aliens in a secret AREA 51 style base. 10 seconds of Faye Dunaway as MOMMIE DEAREST defines that type of abusive relationship better than these gifted actors are permitted to express convincingly in GREEN LANTERN. Everything is superficial & too cute.
Hector has been mutated into a telepath by direct contact with the yellow 'fear energy' he finds inside a purple alien. A Guardian who experimented with the forbidden energy source was himself transformed into the gas cloud Parallax. The tentacled, big headed space cloud hurling towards Earth killed the purple member of the corp who passed on his magic gear to Jordan. Jordan was selected by the lantern to wear the magic ring because of his bravery. Hector's dad and Amanda Waller (Angela INNOCENT BLOOD Basset) accidentally expose Hector to Parallax' yellow goo during an autopsy he conducts wearing 10 cent rubber gloves. Pam Grier from SMALLVILLE and C.C.H. Pounder played the tough government agent better off the top of my head & Pounder was only a voice actress on the projects she did with DC! Clancy CARNIVALE Brown voice acts Parallax and contributes zilch. I thought this gas cloud was as ineffectual as Galactus in FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER. Our only hope is that GREEN LANTERN's green 'will energy' can defeat the CG gas giant in time! Speaking of time; a big chunk of yours will be spent watching Mark SHAZAM: FURY OF THE GODS Strong as Sinestro because he's the next super villain GREEN LANTERN was intended to face. He's one of the best written characters and the performance is a waste of time. Warner scrapped the brand immediately after the public and critics expressed a general dislike for the overly familiar material. There's a smugness between Reynolds and Lively during a protracted romantic scene where they playfully mock Christopher Reeves & Margo kidder's pairing. SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE is THE WIZARD OF OZ of superhero cinema in my honest opinion and nothing else made within the genre comes close. I won't remember one word these gorgeous people shared 2 days from now. GREEN LANTERN is not much better than SUPERMAN III. 5/10