The Worst, of the Worst, Horror Films Ever Made
A personal collection of the biggest piles of (insert noun here) I have ever seen. This is either a recommendation or warning, depending on what's in your noggin. For Horror Fans
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- DirectorMichael RasmussenShawn RasmussenStarsBree ElrodDayna CousinsMichael ReedA film crew moves into an abandoned psychiatric hospital with a shadowy past to shoot a low budget horror movie.Made such an impression on me that I can barely remember what it was about. Dull, tedious, unoriginal will suffice to describe it.
- DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsJames WoodsDaniel BaldwinSheryl LeeRecovering from an ambush that killed his entire team, a vengeful vampire slayer must retrieve an ancient Catholic relic that, should it be acquired by vampires, will allow them to walk in sunlight.I will admit that my review of this film was never going to be great because of my intense dislike of James Woods, as an actor. But this is countered by my love and admiration for John Carpenter (The Thing, Halloween and Big Trouble in Little China are amongst my favourite films). But, as much as I hate to say it, this is a really poor film.
Derivative, poor performances, editing seemingly done with a spoon and just all around badly done.
Carpenter has only made 2 stinkers. This is one.
The other is Ghosts of Mars. - DirectorMichael J. GallagherStarsCaitlin GerardMelanie PapaliaShane DawsonAfter discovering an urban legend of a demented serial killer, who has nothing but a carved "smiley" on his face, a mentally fragile teenager must figure out if she is going insane - or if she could be the next victim.Whilst I appreciate that many horror films rely on having groups of protagonists who seem functionally stupid, Smiley takes it a step further. No logic or sense to the story and characters that are so dumb you start hoping for them to die as soon as possible.
Not worth your time. - DirectorTod WilliamsStarsJohn CusackSamuel L. JacksonIsabelle FuhrmanWhen a mysterious cell phone signal causes apocalyptic chaos, an artist is determined to reunite with his young son in New England.A decent budget and Stephen King source material should make for a good film but this one completely misses the mark. Not even SLJ can save this one.
- DirectorVictor SalvaStarsStan ShawGabrielle HaughBrandon SmithSheriff Dan Tashtego and a team of creeper hunters enlist the help of officer Davis Tubbs to help stop the monster's eating spree.I liked the first one and the sequel was decent but this was the step too far. The main direction here must have been "Ham! We need lots and lots of Ham!" And the actors didn't disappoint.
- DirectorJoseph SargentStarsLorraine GaryLance GuestMario Van PeeblesChief Brody's widow believes that her family is deliberately being targeted by another shark in search of revenge.Arrant nonsense and gets the one star because it blights the legacy of one of my favourite films.
- DirectorNeil LaButeStarsNicolas CageEllen BurstynLeelee SobieskiA sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island discovers there's a larger mystery to solve among the island's secretive, neo-pagan community.The Wicker Man is a stonecold British classic and remaking it was akin to remaking Citizen Kane. Just NO. But even if you had never seen the original, you would still wonder at the appalling script and terrible acting that infect this film.
- DirectorJames IsaacStarsKane HodderLexa DoigJeff GeddisJason Voorhees is cryogenically frozen at the beginning of the 21st century, and is discovered in the 25th century and taken to space. He gets thawed, and begins stalking and killing the crew of the spaceship that's transporting him.Jason Voohees on a spaceship? On a spaceship? With a "new machete". No. No. No. No. No.
- DirectorLulu JarmenStarsMark PellegrinoElisabeth HarnoisDave FrancoOrdered to a delinquent camp by their exasperated parents, a group of wayward teens fall foul of a deadly virus that infects the guards and turns them into flesh-eating monsters! Gristle and gore are on the menu-as are the kids in this Brat Camp slaughterhouse massacre.Just grimly awful and not in a good way; trying to be troma but failing.
- DirectorMichael S. OjedaStarsAmanda Adrienne SmithMarc Anthony SamuelRodney RowlandA deaf girl is brutalized by a murderous gang who are then hunted by her when the bloodthirsty spirit of an Apache warrior inhabits her lifeless body.It should be difficult for a film to be unpleasant and ridiculous, but they managed with this one.
- DirectorStanton BarrettStarsEd QuinnMichael DudikoffRick FoxA team of Navy SEALS find themselves embarking on the battle of their lives when they come face-to-face with the undead.Utter shite. But just in case you wanted some more, Navy Seals vs. Demons has now been made.
- DirectorRobin HardyStarsBrittania NicolHenry GarrettGraham McTavishCharmed by the residents of Tressock, Scotland, two young missionaries accept the invitation to participate in a local festival, fully unaware of the consequences of their decision.Sometimes you should just leave it at one. Particularly as Robin Hardy's debut film was the Wicker Man. But no, someone persuaded him to make this sequel 38 years after. He should have refused because this is a confused mess. Looks cheap, the soundtrack jars the ear and it is just soooo poor. Avoid.
- DirectorAndrew BlackStarsAdam JohnsonMaclain NelsonRenny GramesWhen marauding orcs invade a US National Park, our collective fates lie in the hands of Ranger Cal Robertson and his side-kick, Volunteer Cadet Hobie, who must stop the wave of destruction before the whole world is overrun.In one of the reviews for this film, the reviewer wrote "Obviously, this isn't better than the The Lord Of The Rings trilogy......".
No Sh*t Sherlock. - DirectorSteve WolshStarsLachlan BuchananPujaBryce DraperAfter narrowly escaping an ancient burial ground, a group of friends find themselves trapped between two evils, forcing them to fight, die, or go back the way they came.This is what happens when a producer/writer/director completely disappears up his own a**e. This is nothing more than a sexploitation film pretending to be something else. And the something else makes no sense, either.
There is a sequel in pre-production but f**k knows why. - DirectorRichard PepinStarsChristopher AtkinsColm MeaneyAngela FeatherstoneDisguised as extreme adventurers, a group of high profile thieves unknowingly lead a group of wealthy tourists on an expedition through an abandoned salt mine that is guarded by ancient creatures.Not sure where to start with this. Appalling acting, terrible special effects and just utterly ridiculous. Not even the saving grace of unintentional laughs.
- DirectorLeo McGuiganStarsShaun BlaneyJenna ByrneVicky AllenA serial killer returns to a small town on the anniversary of his initial spree, forcing a young cop - himself a survivor of the original massacre - to catch him before it's too late.I've watched a lot of slasher movies over the years and this ranks as one of the worst. Terrible acting, plot holes you could drive lorry through and writing that is trite and formulaic beyond belief.
Now, some terrible films transcend how awful they are and can be unintentionally very funny.
This isn't one of them. - DirectorGeorge A. RomeroStarsAlan Van SprangKenneth WelshKathleen MunroeOn an island off the coast of North America, local residents simultaneously fight a zombie epidemic while hoping for a cure to return their un-dead relatives back to their human state.Similar to my review of Vampires, above, I am an admirer of Romero but couldn't find anything positive to say about this. Tired, rehashed ideas and it delivers nothing new. For this one, he was just mailing it in because Survival contains none of his trademark intelligence or savage wit.
- DirectorKaare AndrewsStarsSean AstinCurrie GrahamRyan DonowhoWhen a group of friends enjoying a bachelor cruise in the Caribbean stumble upon a research facility on a remote island, a deadly virus is unleashed. The group must find a way to survive before the flesh eating virus consumes them all.The only thing to admire in this is some of the make-up and that's a stretch. Boring and tedious.
- DirectorDeclan O'BrienStarsDoug BradleyCamilla ArfwedsonSimon GintyA group of college students, on a trip to the Mountain Man Festival on Halloween in West Virginia, encounter a clan of cannibals.Wrong Turn was a genuinely well made, scary film and as usual the sequels gradually got worse. This one scraped, and I mean SCRAPED, the bottom of the barrell.
- DirectorAndrew HullStarsEoin MackenAnna SkellernTereza SrbovaStrange goings on ensue, when a few friends on a sailboat find an island with a beautiful lone female inhabitant.I genuinely cannot remember anything about this film. It seems that my mind has blanked the memory to save me from psychological damage, because this was such pile of S***E!
- DirectorWilliam MaloneStarsStephen DorffNatascha McElhoneStephen ReaA New York City detective investigates mysterious deaths occurring 48 hours after users log onto a site named feardotcom.Where to start? Camerawork - Sh*t. Acting - Terrible. Script - Confused Mess. A truly awful film but one that may rank alongside Ed Wood, at his best/worst.
- DirectorDaniel de la VegaStarsJulieta CardinaliEleonora WexlerRafael FerroVirginia will do the impossible in order to rescue her daughter, who has been abducted. After a lethal accident, she is given the the chance to live one day more. On her path, she will find out that there are worse fates than death.I didn't make it to the end of this one. Just very very poor.
- DirectorLuis CarvalhoStarsBrinke StevensJocelyn PadillaRyan BoudreauA story of revenge from beyond the grave, centering on a group of teenagers who unknowingly supply the catalyst for the murdered Jonah's return from the grave. A day like any other in a town not unlike that found all across the country, like minded teens hanging out, laughing, enjoying each other's company. When the darkness takes over the day and boredom sets in, they retreat to their basement hangout. Francis, the self-imposed leader of the group, a wannabe mystic, decides to play with their heads and breaks out a Spirit Board. Eagerly the game is played and soon they make contact with the tormented Spirit of Jonah. They begin to ask questions and soon learn how, when, and why Jonah was murdered in his lifetime. Mocking Tony, who warns them that it is a dangerous game to play, they make the choice of their young lives when they participate together in summoning Jonah beseeching him to come to them through the spirit board, What starts as a joke soon turns into a nightmare of garish proportions, when Jonah does indeed join the young teens with an agenda of death on his deceased mind,... Meanwhile,.. Zora Matthias the lecherous trophy wife ,who secretly murdered her husband Jonah for his fortune, parties upstairs with Francis' swinging parents and a houseful of revelers,.. .. oblivious to what is happening right below their feet. The true reason for Jonah's resurrection becomes clear as the teens desperately try to come to grips with the nightmare they have thrust themselves into. Will anyone survive? If they do,.. what will be left of them?For this I'm going to borrow a very short review I saw on Rotten Tomatoes.
"Jesus Christ, that was awful"
Enough said. - DirectorUwe BollStarsJonathan CherryTyron LeitsoClint HowardA group of college students travels to a mysterious island to attend a rave, which is soon taken over by bloodthirsty zombies.Need I say more than that this was directed by Uwe Boll. If you have no knowledge of this man, he is a candidate for the worst living director and by some miracle has managed 33 directing credits.
- DirectorJason ConneryStarsCuba Gooding Jr.Ray WinstoneRon PerlmanAn elite group of soldiers on a covert mission to retrieve a scientist from an underground lab encounter an ancient evil in the facility.No attempt to hide that is a straight rip-off but the worst thing about this is that there are some people in it who can act. But they seem to have made a group decision not to bother in this one. Shite.
- DirectorIsrael LunaStarsJustin ArmstrongGerald CrumSally GreenlandA group of unsuspecting theatre goers are trapped, after a ravenous spirit is resurrected and released from a Ouija board.I can cope with horror films being many things, but not DULL and BORING. The only feelings of horror that this engenders is the horrific realisation that someone gave these people money to make the f***ing thing.
- DirectorTom SandsStarsMark DrakeSophie BarkerRosie AkermanWhen four friends go camping on the South Downs, they are quite literally tortured by their past.
- DirectorDon Michael PaulStarsElisabeth RöhmYancy ButlerPaul NichollsBlack Lake is now a crocodile sanctuary, surrounded by an electric fence. When the fence is left open, a high-school bus unknowingly enters the park. It's up to Reba and the Sheriff to save the kids from becoming crocodile food.Everything about this film is awful. Exploitative, terrible acting, terrible script, and a story that makes no sense. Avoid.
- DirectorCarol FrankStarsAngela O'NeillWendy MartelPamela RossCollege student Beth and her sorority sisters are stalked by an escaped psychopathic killer who shares a strange telepathic link with her.
- DirectorTom SixStarsLaurence R. HarveyAshlynn YennieMaddi BlackInspired by the fictional Dr. Heiter, disturbed loner Martin dreams of creating a 12-person centipede and sets out to realize his sick fantasy.Very unpleasant and I don't ever want to meet the man responsible for writing it; although by now he's probably in prison.
- DirectorBlake ReigleStarsChrista B. AllenDerek SmithCarly SchroederA young journalist goes deep undercover within a mountain commune and becomes manipulated by a duplicitous cult leader.More mysoginist sh*ite.
- DirectorUwe BollStarsChristian SlaterTara ReidStephen DorffA detective of the paranormal slowly unravels mysterious events with deadly results.Another of Uwe Boll's masterpieces, but this one is SO dire that it is full of unintentional laughs.
And it is really, really, really, extremely sh*t. - DirectorRupert BryanStarsJemma BoltStephanie SiadatanLisa-Marie LongA group of girlfriends embark on a camping trip. As darkness falls, they are forced to rely on each other and new rock-climbing friends, before it becomes the last hike of their lives.About as misogynist as a film can get. Unpleasant.
- DirectorMark AtkinsStarsCorin NemecBrooke HoganVanessa EviganThe residents of a small town team up to kill a group of evolved sharks that can swim in sand, and are terrorizing local beaches.The title should tell you all you need to know. I, obviously, never learn.
- DirectorJulius OnahStarsGugu Mbatha-RawDavid OyelowoDaniel BrühlOrbiting a planet on the brink of war, scientists test a device to solve an energy crisis, and end up face-to-face with a dark alternate reality.There is, very simply, no excuse for making a film this awful when you have a budget of £26 million.
- DirectorHarry BoastStarsGrant RussellChloe AddiscottCarly DaviesWhen the Solar System is attacked by an overwhelming alien force, astronaut Xander returns to a looted Earth to search for what matters most.Give me half an hour to write it, another hour for filming and a final hour for editing and post production and ANYTHING THAT I PRODUCED woud be better than this (and I know f**k all about making films).
I do not know what possessed me to watch it. - DirectorChristopher RayStarsKarrueche TranJaason SimmonsRob Van DamAs a mutated, three-headed, great white shark eats its way from one end of the ship to the next, the passengers have to fight the deadly predator using anything they can find.Shouldn't need to tell you to avoid 4-Headed Shark Attack, 5-Headed Shark Attack and 6 Headed-Shark Attack. I watched them. Don't do it.
- DirectorBruce McDonaldStarsChloe RoseRachel WilsonRossif SutherlandA teenager must survive a Halloween night from Hell when malevolent trick-or-treaters come knocking at her door.There may well be a universe where a hybrid of Trick or Treat, The Strangers and Children of the Corn will work, but this isn't it. Not with this film.
I began to have doubts when confronted by 3 children poking a dead animal with a stick (opening scene) and it went downhill quickly from there. You can sort-of see what they were trying to achieve, but sadly they failed, very badly. - DirectorRene PerezStarsNatasha BlasickRichard TysonCharlie GlackinA serial killer is purposely released from an asylum for the criminally insane so that he can continue his rampage.The director of this film is setting himself up as competition for Uwe Boll for the Worst Director in the World title. This is total pants and you can find it, and some of his others on Youtube.
- DirectorThunder LevinStarsAdrian PaulRichard GriecoBali RodriguezA group of refugees from Earth work to survive on a hostile alien planet.This is the first of 3 films that I happened to watch for the first time, consecutively. It turned out to be triple whammy of witlessness and woe.
This one stars Adrian Paul, one of those actors who is like a British Kite Mark but for terrible films and television. A post-apocalyptic tale that......
Nah. Why would I bother to describe this sh*te. It is truly awful - DirectorMat KingStarsConnor TrinneerJames KysonToni TrucksWhen ordered to retrieve a crate from a distant planet, two mercenaries learn that they must in fact smuggle a woman off world. They then crash-land on a planet packed with vicious giant alien bugs.Another pile but this has a bonus in that so many sci-fi films and books have been ripped off to make it (I hesitate to use the word homage) that you can spend the time spotting the rip-offs and laughing at the special effects. Pants.
- DirectorJoseph J. LawsonStarsTreat WilliamsRonny CoxJillian Rose ReedHundreds of dinosaurs created by a biotech firm escape into Los Angeles, and wreak havoc on the city.This was the third of them and this one was just a very, very poor Jurassic Park wannabe. Don't waste your time.
- DirectorJohn GrissmerStarsLouise LasserMark SoperJulie GordonA boy kills a man and accuses his twin brother of the murder, and the innocent brother ends up institutionalized, while his psychotic twin goes free. 10 years later, the innocent twin escapes, which triggers his brother into killing again.Saw this way back in the eighties and it hasn't improved with age. There are plenty of excellent 80s horror movies out there, don't waste your time on this.
- DirectorAndrew GreenStarsRosie FellnerVivienne HarveyParis HiltonNine friends staying in an isolated Scottish manor house must fight for their lives when a centuries-old spirit is unleashed.Almost at a loss for words. It's got Paris Hilton in it and she's probably the best of the actors on display.
- DirectorJoe ValentiStarsKeith CollinsGeri ReischlBrandon RuckdashelHe has a taste for beautiful women.Very simply; low budget, squalid tatt.
- DirectorTom NagelStarsMischa BartonJeff DentonDenise RichardsAn estranged family take a trip to the desert in their used RV but become stranded and isolated in the scorching terrain. They soon learn their RV holds terrible, haunting secrets, and it starts killing them off one by one.An unremittingly terrible film but also one that made me laugh a hell of a lot.
- DirectorLarry FessendenStarsBonnie DennisonDaniel ZovattoJon OrsiniSix high school seniors celebrating in the middle of a lake find themselves trapped on a rowboat due to a man-eating fish.I think this isn't supposed to be comedy but laughable just about sums up.
- DirectorBob PipeStarsKezia BurrowsHarrison J. ColeStephen EvansCharlie's getting married. And when he invites his friends to join him for a stag weekend in a remote British cabin, the group thinks it's a great opportunity to leave the US behind and have a blow out with their old buddy - Only thing is, Charlie isn't telling his friends the whole truth about the trip. Instead of celebrating, events soon take a sinister turn when the friends start to disappear one by one. Is Charlie up to his old tricks? Or has some dark demonic force really been unleashed into the woods? Soon the American friends start to learn the true reason why Charlie has invited them to a creepy cabin in the woods, in the middle of nowhere, and the fight for survival is on.The plot of this film is ripped of from any number of similar US movies, but a lot of it doesn't work in any story set in the UK. This added to the wooden acting and terrible dialogue get's it on to this list.