The Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen
(refer to this list next time you feel like complaining about a movie)
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- DirectorTim BoggsStarsDoug BarryAngela DarterMike Kaufman6 teenagers are partying one weekend. One couple disappears, only to be found brutally murdered. A blood thirsty killer is stalking them. One by one bodies begin to show up, as they become prey to the vengeance-seeking maniac.I wish that I could find it in myself to give these kids a break. I wish I could find it within myself to recognize that the effort was more important than the finished product. I wish I could enjoy endless footage of people water skiing on a man made lake....but I can't.
- DirectorNick MillardStarsPriscilla AldenRobert CoppleCharles EganA severe decrease in funding forces a mental hospital to release mass-murderer Ethel Janowski into a halfway house. Ethel is psychotic and delusional and has a hefty appetite. In fact, her killing spree began 13 years before with the murder of her grandmother, who had forced her to go on a diet. Now that she's tasted the home-cooked fare at the halfway house, she'll do absolutely anything to get more.I have never seen a sequel that comprises almost entirely of footage from the previous entry. That alone makes this a catastrophe. Add the fact that I bought this at a used bookstore under the title "Crazy Fat Ethel 2" with a tagline that read "Never come between Ethel and a well stocked refrigerator" and you have a recipe for something truly and historically awful.
- DirectorDonald G. JacksonR.J. KizerStarsJulius LeFloreRCBRoddy PiperAfter a worldwide nuclear war, where 68% of the male population was wiped out and virile men becoming a rarity, Sam Hell, a scavenger and a highly virile man, is assigned to help rescue a group of fertile women kidnapped by humanoid frogs.If anyone has ever doubted The Rock's acting ability, given the wrestler-turned-actor handicap, take a look at this gem. You will take a People's Elbow in the balls anytime ahead of watching this movie again. Poor Roddy. Hey, at least you made "They Live." Cool opening credits though.
- DirectorJames BryanStarsNick ClelandMary Gail ArtzJames P. HaydenFour friends camping in the woods inadvertently stumble upon the domain of a maniacal killer.You will get an idea of what kind of movie you are in for by just watching the opening credits. There is a "Featuring" list of actors that is almost as long as "The Lord of the Rings". Guess what they do in the movie....die. Within seconds of their screen appearance. Not really a lot of time to build motive or develop characters huh?
- DirectorHarold P. WarrenStarsTom NeymanJohn ReynoldsDiane AdelsonA family gets lost on the road and stumbles upon a hidden, underground, devil-worshiping cult led by the fearsome Master and his servant Torgo.This movie is quite enjoyable when you watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew take shots at it. Unfortunately, I have seen the movie without Joel and the bots....and I'll never be the same. Thank you Mill Creek!
- DirectorRobert HughesStarsJohn KerryMark MearsMark CasoA newly opened campsite is terrorized by a primitive young man who begins killing campers to defend his territory.This movie is about a bunch of campers who love to camp so much, that not even a killer homeless kid hiding in the mountains can stop them. They are going to camp no matter what obstacles you put in their way. Camping rules! This movie also teases us with the possibility of a threesome between a group of typical 80's looking delinquents, but never delivers. I don't know if I was more disappointed by this or the killer being a homeless kid hiding in the mountains.
- DirectorRichard CaseyStarsPhil TherrienMax MantheyIrene CagenA van full of college students traveling down a highway is terrorized by a psycho killer in a Richard Nixon mask.This movie is #8 (instead of higher) on this list for one reason, and one reason only. There is a line delivered, probably improvised, by a character in this movie who has almost hit somebody running across the road. He stops the car and yells something very unexpected to the guy he almost hit. The look on his passenger's face says it all. It is worth watching the movie just to see this scene.
- DirectorNettie PeñaStarsJake SteinfeldVinessa ShawPeter De PaulaAn escaped mental patient steals a station wagon and makes his way to the Bradleys' Thanksgiving celebration, where he plans to make them a little less thankful...This is the movie with the "Body by Jake" guy killing people in a PCP rage and a mime that runs around annoying people with an electric guitar. You don't need to know anymore. Just visualize what I just wrote. I just saved you some time and money. You're welcome.
- DirectorMichael FindlayStarsAlan BrockJennifer StockTawm EllisA group of college students are led by their professor into the mountains in search of the Yeti. The students start to be killed off one by one.This movie is supposed to be about a killer Yeti on a wooded island somewhere. College kids are taken to the island by their professor to study and perhaps capture a glimpse of the creature. What unfolds is a little unexpected. And I don't mean that the movie is really about a group of cannibals who use the Yeti legend as a way to fill their food locker for an annual get-together. No, what I mean is that the filmmakers actually expect us to believe that Laughing Crow is a native american and not a retarded white guy.
- DirectorGlen CoburnMatt DevlenBret McCormickStarsStella MannCheryl BoquetScott DavisHorror anthology spoof featuring three stories inspired by paranormal tabloid headlines: "Baby Born With Full Beard", "BBQ Of The Dead" and "Killer Vacuum Destroys Town".This movie is like a really bad version of Creepshow. The three stories that make up the movie's content are culled from a fictional supermarket tabloid. Each story gets weirder and weirder, i.e. a vaccuum cleaner coming alive and eating people. I don't remember a lot of details, but what I do remember is more than enough to have this movie at #11.
- DirectorBud TownsendStarsLinda GillenJohn NeilsonArthur SpaceCollege student Regina wins a getaway vacation at the quiet Red Wolf Inn, which is run by a friendly elderly couple, but it gradually becomes clear that something is amiss.I rented this movie under the title 'Club Dead'. The only thing dumber than the title was the video sleeve, which was a photo of a plastic skeleton wearing a bikini that looked like it was taken in someone's garage. Great start if you're in the mood to rent a really bad movie...which I was. The movie is about a girl who wins a stay at a beach resort, which then turns out to be a cannibal family's house. By the end of the movie, she finds it in herself to stop resisting her urges to survive her ordeal and just become one of the cannibals instead.
- DirectorWayne BerwickStarsJackie VernonLoren ScheinAl TroupeFed up of his wife's bad cooking, Donald kills her and turns to cannibalism to satisfy his appetite.This movie deals with the complicated issues of work stress, domestic abuse, and above all else, hunger. Our hero is a hard-working construction worker who hates the lunch his muumuu-wearing wife makes for him everyday. This leads to a night of drinkin', which later leads to an argument back home, which leads to our drunken hero accidentally killing said wife. The next morning, he has forgotten about his vile deed and comedic horror ensues for the remainder of the movie as he eventually decides to cook her up and take her remains to work as his new lunch. This movie should be higher on my list, but like 'Horror House on Highway 5', it has one classic line of dialogue that redeems the rest of the celluloid mess, at least a little. The "line" in question comes right after our hero realizes that, in his drunken stupor, he put his wife's remains in the microwave. He stares right at the camera and says in a stumbling voice: "Mm, mm, mmarge? Is in the mm, mm, mmicrowave?" Hil-arious!
Edit: I just rewatched this opus and it’s a lot goofier and hornier than I remember. Also, the wife’s name is May, not Marge. - DirectorHerschell Gordon LewisStarsElizabeth DavisGretchen WellsChris MartellA demented elderly woman has her mentally-retarded son kill and scalp various young women to use their hair for her wig shop while a persistent coed tries to link various killings on a local Florida college campus to them.Ahhh...Finally! An H. Gordon Lewis film! You knew one would come up sooner or later. This gem deals with a mom and son team of wig shop owners who rent the room above the shop to college girls. Eventually, they scalp each renter and sell their pretty locks in the wig shop. Not a bad premise, but, like every HGL film, a very bad delivery.
- DirectorJames Aviles MartinStarsRobert Lee OliverDonatella HechtNeal RosenSuburban housewives turn into vicious cannibals after committing adultery with the neighborhood womanizer.Hmmm, another cannibal-themed movie. Starting to notice a trend here? What can I say, I'm not into eating people.
Anyhoo, I saw this movie on USA Up All Night when I was a kid. If the moms in the movie were as hot as the mom on the cover, it might not be so bad. But they're not. Basically, the moms in the movie get a virus that eats at their flesh, they turn into zombies, and start feeding on their children. Nothing wrong so far, right? Actually sounds kinda cool. Except that the acting is horrid. In fact, there is a scene where one of the kids, who is a teenager, is telling another teenage friend that she saw her mom eating her baby brother. The two actors look into each other's eyes and, I am not kidding, start laughing. Mid laugh, the movie jump cuts to the two of them sitting together, but not laughing, continuing the conversation as if nothing happened. Classis! You're not gonna see that in a Tyler Perry movie! - DirectorRay Di ZazzoStarsAddison RandallKatrina AlexyRichard DryAt a Halloween party, a young boy is almost killed by his drunken, alcoholic father. Ten years afterward, the boy goes on a murder spree.This movie would be a complete, sucky waste of time if it weren't so fun to watch. Awesome movie to watch around Halloween when you need a laugh.
The cast has to be from a local theater company. The lead actor who plays Mark has that hometown, local boy feel to him. You just know that everyone in his high school knew he was gonna make it! They would pack the school auditorium, and later the town playhouse just to catch a glimpse of this future star. Then, when they found out he was going to be in a moving picture, their excitement nearly boiled over. And then a few weeks later, this steaming pile of poop came straight to video and everyone's hopes and dreams were crushed forever.
My favorite part of this flick, by far, is when Mark lets loose his two hell hounds on one of the teenagers. If you haven't seen the movie, you probably think that the dogs are Pitbulls, or Rottweilers, or something mean like that right? Wrong. The teenage victim is ripped apart mercilessly by two well-groomed, smiling, lovable Golden Retrievers! Awesome!!! - DirectorChester Novell TurnerStarsShirley L. JonesRicky RoachChester TankersleyA woman buys a doll at a magic shop. Unbeknownst to her, the doll is possessed by an evil spirit, and it proceeds to take her over.