Lovechild_77 Reviews

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

Baaam!! feel my p hand!!... ha-ha, so bad that it's good...

[7/10 · 14 March 2006]

I will not even bother to tell this movie's story because it really doesn't matter. What does matter though is that this movie can be so damn funny if you're in the right mood, after 4-5 beer or so that is. It's shameful to admit but this movie is actually funnier than the first one because it's so over-the-top. And this dutch babe is hot too. One of the funniest moments have Schneider make a speech in front of all the man heeers just to be thrown out of the window promptly. Another funny sequence is when Schneider and his buddy attend a Coffee shop.

With lines like "Kaizer, get back to your work" or "why is it called Space cake?" this movie is totally hilarious in all its stupidity.

One of the worst movies of all time but also one of the funniest!

See it and laugh your balls off! :D

The Karate Kid Part II (1986)

A good sequel that always brings up some nice memories!

[8/10 · 14 March 2006]

I think that this is a pretty good sequel with good performances and sympathetic characters, not stiff acting as some writer wrote. Yes, the story is corny among lots of other things in this movie but that's what we love about it, right? If some director would've remade this movie today he would've destroyed it and all the magic would've been gone. The only thing I can dare myself to complain about is the fighting scenes which are quite tame actually, but this is a PG rated soap-opera karate drama after all, not a Kung-Fu movie, so it's understandable. But it's quite funny when you see that Mr. Miyagi's punches and kicks are both weak and stiff at the same time :D. I have very fond memories of this movie the same way as I have from the first one and I think it has aged well. It's still fun to watch after all these years and the theme song from Peter Catera is still great.

This one has its place in my 80s nostalgic movie collection!

Cobra (1986)

Underrated cult actioner with our all favourite Sly in good form!

[7/10 · 4 January 2006]

I get confused when I see that this cool movie has a score under 5. Are those peoples who kill the average score jealous or just not real action fans? If you don't like real macho action movies then don't see them. It's simple as that! I forced myself to see this movie although its bad reputation, because I like Sylvester Stallone really much, and I was positively surprised I must say. First of all, the picture itself. Really nice! Nice colours, not too dark, not sloppy edited, not too fast paced. Perfekt! The story is so so, but Sly is really cool and the villains looks quite nasty too, so you just want them to die and you know that Sly will get them. And Brigitte Nielsen looks astounding too! :)

So, if you are a great fan of real macho action movies with a nice 80s touch, like Sly and movies like Rambo and most of Seagal's efforts, then don't hesitate with this one. It's a winner.

It's also perfectly edited, it doesn't feel too short or too long, there are no dead periods in the movie, everything just runs along in a perfect pace. And this is although the movie isn't longer than 80 min.

Recommended!

Cataclysm (1980)

Weird but rather fun horror/thriller flick..

[5/10 · 27 December 2005]

Cataclysm ranks among those weird el cheapo horror movies that boomed during the 70s and 80s when independent film-making had became common due to lower prices in movie equipments. Often with interesting stories these small movie productions tried to create cinematic moments which their small budget's barely could handle without leaving a bad taste afterwards. But, if you can look beyond the cheap impressions of these movies and understand their intentions and what they tried to achieve with a very small budget, you can appreciate the result anyway. As I use to say, as long as there is an honest intention, thought and an interesting story, movies like this one can be appreciated. It's easy to laugh about though, but one must know that these filmmakers often experimented with ideas that would probably not have seen the light if it was produced by Hollywood.

Anyhow, back to this movie. The story is quite simple actually. An old man hunts a young man who seems to have been in all kind of wars many years back in time, but this guy hasn't aged a bit since. We learn that this man is Satan or at least is a very powerful evil spirit. The old man lost his whole family in the WW2 where this evil fellow was a nazi commander. A policeman gets involved in the drama and continues the hunt after the old man dies mysteriously trying to attack the evil dude. The movie ends with the evil fellow escaping the hospital where he's been brought by a Christian woman who tries to kill him. It's pretty logical because only God can kill Satan and the evil will continue as long as God accepts this. What's more illogical is that these people tries to kill this evil man, albeit he's impossible to kill, failing one by one.

The movie itself offers a lot of wooden acting and only a few scares which actually isn't that scary. You rarely see any gruesome scenes and much of the horror is more like indications of horror. For example you see the evil man's goat leg which will have you to believe that he really is a demon or Satan himself. Things like that occurs all through the movie and it's probably because the budget was so low. So, would I recommend this rarely seen movie to anyone? Heck yeah! If you like strange horror movies, obscure occult stuff that isn't too over the top but makes you think a bit, then yeah look this one up. This review refers to the VHS release. I've seen this movie released on DVD under the name 'The Nightmare Never Ends'.

Add this one to you horror collection, in the obscure section that is!

Dead End (I) (2003)

Weak 'horror' movie with bad and annoying actors/acting!

[3/10 · 17 December 2005]

I saw this one last night expecting it to be a cool movie with Twilight Zone references. What a major disappointment this movie was! Not only is almost every character annoying to listen too and look at, they also behaves rather unrealistic.

Without leaving too much information about the movie itself, I can tell you it's basically a story about a family on their way to celebrate Christmas with relatives. The father want, for instance, take a short-cut, and they end up on a road to nowhere. This whole premise is very exciting I think and it could have been done a lot better all around. The problem in my opinion is the behavior that the family members showcases. They seems to be wackos each one of them.

They first stop when they see a woman with her baby standing on this isolated road. What do they do? Well they stop, talks to this woman, have her sit down with their daughter's boyfriend in the car. And to make some space in the car they leave their daughter alone on the dark road so they can drive to a shack nearby which they examine. So this woman is a ghost we learn, and she kills the daughter's boyfriend, who the daughter (where she stands on the road) sees inside an old motor hearse that passes her by on the road. When the family comes back from the shack, the woman is gone and so is the daughter's boyfriend, odd..

They start to drive again, pick up their daughter and oh!, suddenly they bump into something. What is it they bumped into? Oh no! it's the boyfriend again, lying burned on the road. (But we're not allowed to see his burned body, no no, that would have been too frightening.) They scream, naturally.., but decides to continue their travel. Not driving back the same way! After each time they bump into something or sees something scary standing by the road, they stop... and dies.. and act stupidly.. Arguing a little bit more, not thinking at all, father starts to drink, and then drive. This movie is very very bad!

The end is even more laughable, because it's so totally lame and feels like a bad excuse to explain why this whole movie is so outrageously stupidly made. Believe me, when you see the end, you'll not feel as the movie has resolved its story, you will feel like you've been cheated. And also, this movie has that kind of bad modern horror movie feel that I personally hate. It feels like they are made from the same script!

Stay away from this crap and catch some episodes from the Twilight Zone from the 60s instead!

War of the Worlds (2005)

Disappointing state-of-the-art cinema!

[3/10 · 24 November 2005]

I have always liked Spielberg's movies because they have always been hi quality productions, mostly. But I think he's lost the feeling... Spielberg has become a lazy director who make movies for a non-thinking audience. What he lacks is the details and depth in his stories and good acting performances.

I think the special effects were nicely made and I also felt that some of the scenes were quite strong for a Spielberg movie. I think of the fleeing people who get caught in the heat beams and vanishes. That was pretty strong I think. But the strongest scene in the whole movie in my opinion was when Rachel see the dead floating people in the river. That shot was not like Spielberg, that was brilliant stuff. Scary..

Otherwise this movie is way too short and it would have been better if it was half an hour longer. It felt way too rushed, too many questions left unanswered by the end of the movie. And do we need this laughable happy ending too? The world is burning up with millions of people been slaughtered and blood spurting all over the places, and what do we see at the end? Clean, well dressed-up grand-parents welcoming the hero and son-in-law. And the son can look at his father with great respect, he has proved that he's a real man. Outrageously bad!!! This movie is really not worth its price and I'm glad I downloaded it!

Deadly Dreams (1988)

Interesting horror/thriller that could have been good...

[5/10 · 10 November 2005]

This movie could have been a quite good thriller have it not been for the rather dull first hour and a very inept conclusion. But the ending is not totally predictable as one other writer wrote because the movie begins like a thriller but ends like a horror.

Acting is quite good and shines up in a few places. A lurking fear is felt through the whole movie but there should really have been a better punch in the shock department. It's like the director couldn't decide if he would do a psychological thriller or a horror/slasher.

Young Alex parents was murdered during Christmas eve by a business competitor who shot himself after that, or so we are told after about one hour into the movie. This is a rather cheap trick to make the viewer wonder if Alex is imagine the murderer's appearance or if he's real. It is also probably a trick to make the movie longer. You see, Alex is not only dreaming about the killer, he also hallucinates seeing him. This could have been done much more exciting, because the mask the killer wears is frightening. Problem is that Alex really sees the killer, and therefore is not mentally ill. This is where the script lacks because it becomes unrealistic and clumsy staged. Later in the movie we are introduced to his brother though, who at first seems rather caring about Alex but later we find out about his real intentions. A triangle-drama is suddenly appearing and the whole thing finally becomes rather laughable.

Well, the premise is good. I mean it's naturally that a kid who has his parents killed in front of his eyes and then told by the killer to run or be shot works up a tendency for mental illness and becomes unstable. Any kid would have become traumatized by that. If the movie had been done by a more skilled director who could work with the story in a more exciting way and made the movie run at a faster pace, this would probably have been really interesting I think. Now it's only a rather dull mishmash.

Maniac (1980)

A journey into the world of a very mentally sick man's mind!

[6/10 · 6 November 2005]

First of all, I couldn't disagree more with people comparing this brutal insight into a madman's mind with other slasher movies. This is no ordinary slasher, there is nothing exciting or fun in this movie at all. No goofy, inventive killings, just rawness and pure suffering. From the very start, when we hear this sicko moan disgustingly and after a while slits a young woman's throat, we know that this is no ordinary horror movie. Definitely not for all tastes.

Throughout the movie the killings are very raw, graphic and basic to its nature and there is also a very morbid tone that encloses the whole movie.

But there are also moments with genuine good atmosphere, like when a woman is chased down into a desolate subway station. This part is expertly made I think, really frightening. That's also what makes this movie so difficult to rate. I mean, I love excitement, tension and slasher movies. But this one is different. This one is bestiality in its rawest form, not fun, just disturbing and repugnant. I think what offended me most was that we are supposed to feel pity for this very disturbed man. Only God can forgive such things.

What makes me recommend this movie anyway is that it offers some insight into a crazed man's world and that makes it somewhat interesting to watch. Although this could have been done with greater finesse and better taste I suppose the impact would have been less convincing.

A last warning: although this movie isn't shock-filled with killings and there are far more disgusting movies produced, this isn't an easy movie to watch. Not only because of the brutal killings but also because it forces you to take part of this madman's rampage and hear him talking to you in a very disturbing way. If you have had or have some kind of mental illness like depression or feel that you may loose the grip on reality any moment or have a weak mind then don't see this movie because it's very straightforward and can make you think strange thoughts.

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Pretty OK horror/shock/mockumentary, but overrated.

[5/10 · 4 November 2005]

Actually I thought that this movie should be a little bit more shocking. I presume that I saw the UK cut version since it wasn't especially offending (not for me at least), and there were signs of sloppy editing and music where they did the cuts. This was obvious in the tortoise scene because they only dragged the poor fellow up from the water and then the girl puked and then they ate. Hmm..

Well, I think I'm glad I missed out on that because I really hate animal cruelty, but from what I've heard the animal slaughter scenes were made in hunter tradition so I guess they could be left alone.

Now about the story, the movie is pretty exciting although the first half hours was a little bit slow. And these "photographers", well they surely should die I think. What arrogant, evil bastards they were.

I don't really understand a few thinks about this movie. The professor and the other two guys in the beginning was rather sympathetic, but this gang of cruel photographer-rapists was rather strange. I mean, first they walk through the jungle, behaving like a bunch of teenagers with a camera, and then when they finally reaches this isolated village with it's primitive cannibal tribe they start to suddenly behave like insane. Where did this suddenly insanity came from? We never know I guess. It looks like this was only an excuse to make the viewer hate this documentary crew. What was the meaning of burning down the cannibal's house? Was it to get some respect or just to create some shocking pictures of documents to show when they returned back home? I dunno, but they certainly were mean, cruel and stupid and they certainly deserved to die.

I think the best part in the whole movie is when the bitch gets it, this photographer whore. That was a pleasant view, to see her being ripped to pieces. (And she had ugly tits too).

My final verdict:

The picture: 8, this was a fine print, bright and sharp

The Music: 6, it pales in comparison to Antropohagus for example

Acting & Characters: 7, the acting is good, no b-movie feeling

Excitement: 5, it's always more exciting to see the unseen then

actually seeing it, when you've seen cannibals eating

"human flesh" it's not exciting anymore. An evil that

is foreboding is much more exciting to watch because that

creates tension.

Land of the Dead (2005)

Thinking zombies? don't think so...

[5/10 · 17 October 2005]

Pretty lame by zombie standards and pretty dumb too. How ridiculous to see the wealthy people walking around this skyscrape tower looking at jewels, eating nice dinners and conversing calmly while the undead hordes are roaming the streets a few blocks away. Just ignoring the fact that the world outside are full of walking dead people who just wants to eat their brains. How very very stupid!

Not to mention the fact that the undead starts to think, why would they? Nah folks, this one is way too lame and too pretentious for its own good. Fulci is the only one who can make proper zombie movies although Dawn of the living dead (1978) was pretty descent.

My rate: 5/10

Batman Begins (2005)

Good movie but slightly overrated!

[17 October 2005]

Batman Begins is definitely a better movie than the earlier efforts but I was disappointed by the fast camera cuts, almost like a music video. Christian Bale is always good and also Michael Caine of course. But I'm getting really tired of Leam Nelson in his roles. He is annoying to look at and listen to. The action scenes was also way too dark and fast to be really satisfying, they looked cheap. I think the reason why so many people on IMDb has rated this movie so high is because they have been waiting so long for a new Batman movie.

Worth a look but don't expect to be blown away.

My rating: 6/10

Dead End Drive-In (1986)

Boring and inept "sci-fi" garbage...

[3/10 · 14 October 2005]

I'm a huge fan of sci-fi and horror movies and have built up quite a tolerance for movies in this genre that are below average. Just as long as they are funny, interesting and exciting to watch they are also worth your time to watch them. Many low-budget movie productions also have nice ideas but not always a budget that can realize them.

Well, in Dead End's case it's pretty clear that the producer didn't know what to do with his idea, although he must have had a fair budget since it doesn't look especially cheap. The performances are also quite OK for a movie like this. These parts are good. The bad things are how ridiculous, almost embarrassing crappy à la TV-movie way, the story goes on. I don't know where to start actually. From the first statement by the supervisor that the youngsters are stuck in that place to the laughable car chase and racist inflammatory speech near the end and finally the 'exciting' car jump over the fences... Oh boy! That ramp was perfectly placed there wasn't it?. Why didn't he just drove through the fences at the right moment when he got his tyres and gasoline. Although the fences were electrified it shouldn't had made any difference. In normal cases these trashy peoples would have undoubtedly started a riot and crashed the place. Things like this just make me angry and annoyed, when the director thinks that the audience are dead-panned idiots who can't think for themselves.

I know this movie is meant to be somewhat satirical and that these kind of movies shouldn't be taken too seriously, but honestly, it's not even so bad it's funny and that makes this movie a real bummer. That sequence with the 'foreigners' who were driven to this 'camp' is just a cheap excuse to make the movie a little bit longer and has nothing to do with the story. It's just so awkward and unnecessary. Even the picture on the DVD is strange because it makes you falsely believe that that is how the main actor in the movie looks like. This is not the case...

Why this movie have got almost the same rating as the cult classic The Wraith, produced the same year, is beyond my belief. That movie was at least funny and had a great soundtrack. Sure, it was lame at parts, but it was exciting and funny. I also can't believe how some people who posted here have the nerve to even compare this piece of crap with Mad Max. They must have been first-time sci-fi viewers.

I'm glad I got to view this movie without paying for it before I bought it on DVD. That would have been an even larger disappointment. For God's sake, even the horrendously bad Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie is more fun to watch than this stinker! My advise is, keep away from this piece of garbage and go see The Wraith instead or some other cult classics. Movies like this are meant to stay forgotten...

The Wraith (1986)

Lost and found!

[5 January 2004]

Well, this movie is one of those half-forgotten gems of this cool decade. As a child I use to rent this movie over and over again but then I forgot it's name when I grew older. Recently, when I started to look for old cult 80s, I stumbled upon this little nice saga. The story is ridiculous but quite entertaining (I love revenge ;)) and there are many strange plot-holes through the whole movie. So why bother renting or buying this old s*** you may ask? Well if you are a child of the 80s and saw it back then, it can bring back some nice memories. If you are from that time but have not seen it, you MUST see it. Everyone else, just see it and enjoy a movie with one of the greatest cars ever on screen. For those who have seen it I just must make some statements of some of the major flaws in the film. How come that the police just let the thugs steal all the nerds cars in a small town like this? (very strange) And why don't the stupid morons see that they're next to die on the list when their buddies fall off one buy one. No fear at all...=) Well... all and all a funny flash-back. You know from like ten minutes into the movie how the end will be, but you'll KEEP on looking...