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geminate7
Reviews
Fearmakers (2008)
Bad...Bad...Bad...Bad...Bad
Terrible, unwatchable and ridiculous comes to mind when describing whatever Fearmakers was supposed to be.
The editing was a catastrophe. Half of the 'effects' seem to be done in Microsoft (TM) Paint...I kid you not. However they managed the rest was just as awful.
There are seemingly unending minutes of filming just for the sake of filling the time. Scenes that are pointless, repetitive flashbacks, over and over.
They should have just released this on YouTube (TM), even if abandoned there, it is still unable to be classified as a 'movie'. If you pay money to see this, you would have been more fulfilled buying a package of toilet paper.
This isn't a movie, it's simply garbage and the ending sentiments echo what you might say to everyone involved in Fearmakers.
The Signal (2007)
The Signal is Weak - Very Very Weak
That anyone actually liked this is puzzling. A dash of horror, a bit of gore and a whole lot of insanity and pointlessness.
When you find yourself sighing repeatedly and wishing everyone would just kill each other and end this editing nightmare you know that someone somewhere has utterly failed.
I can't even bother to go over the story, um what story? Yes, it's that bad and ridiculous. I think this would be better classified as an insane comedy which tried to be a horror and died.
No ending resolution, no reasons why, no explanation of what the hell just happened for 99 insufferable minutes. Where did the Signal come from, why, who and why does it continue on? No one stopped the Signal or destroyed the broadcast. Kill me.
The Strangers (2008)
Tired and True
The Strangers (TS) was yet another boring attempt at horror this year. I was told that TS would be scary, it wasn't and fell flat as a glass of soda sitting out for hours on a hot day.
The introduction was interesting and established some background between James and Kristen, beyond that morsel - utter fiasco. It would probably take 50 million to 'fix' this pile of celluloid, so I won't be holding my breath.
Really, do you want to know what this movie is about? It's about a terrorized woman who scrapes through each scene screaming her lungs out. And what lungs they are, surely a gorilla would be impressed. Even in the final scene where she is supposed to be dead, guess what? Yes, she screams her final scream and the credits roll. Perhaps they should rename the film "The Screamer".
I really don't see what anyone found so good or even scary about TS. If this was your first horror movie I would understand. I especially don't like horror where not one villain gets killed or wounded, yet all the victims die. He had a shotgun damn-it! What went wrong?
Nobody Loves Alice (2008)
Far Far Far Far Far Far Beyond Terrible
I can't believe the dregs here trying spit and polish this appalling attempt at horror. Nobody Loves Alice starts off as a basic porn-horror movie, then they dump the pornography and keep making stabbing attempts at horror. All characters have the morals of dogs so who cares if anyone and everyone is chopped into kitty food...or is that dog food? Anyway, extremely low budget and audio suffered the most, in fact I would say the poor sound took this malodorous buffoonery to new levels of low.
Alice really required way more background by way of flashbacks to get through to the audience what her problems are and why she is the way that she is, what happens here is a case of too little, too late, too little, oh well. There are also too many unanswered questions, like how does she subdue her victims? They just show up manacled awaiting torture, like magic! What does Alice do with the spent bodies? They too just magically disappear. Alice is just too frail to really deal with anything over 25 pounds, let alone 200-300 pound men. Again, what does she do with all the bodies, eat them?
The ending is unremarkable, as expected, bad. Just once I really would like to see a horror movie really stick it to the tormentor, I mean minutes of payback, not just a conk on the head, the end. What you thought there was more? The End
Careless (2007)
No Brain Required
I guess if you are a slacker and vacuous dolt with a double-digit IQ this movie would be of interest to you.
Careless goes far beyond being a stupid film about stupid people and only an out-and-out miracle will keep you watching until it's finished. Roll your eyes, cross your eyes, stare at the ceiling and keep prodding yourself to stay awake, you're a loser, you can do it!
Talk about the movie? I really don't want to. It's stupid end to end. The characters are typical fornicating dropout laggards with dead-end lifestyles who were probably raised on hot dogs and processed cheese. Must I say more? I don't know, maybe deprived of oxygen at birth, retardation, genetic throwbacks, morons at best.
The story? No, now you have gone too far. Please don't be a fool and actually see Careless. I feel so ashamed for letting this refuse violate my mind.
First Born (2007)
Pray You're Narcoleptic
The most boring film of 2007, and one of the most boring films of all time.
First Born starts slowly and then...becomes even slower...and then Zzzz. What!? Oh, I'm still commenting. Yes, well what can be said...a seemingly normal woman (Laura) goes completely insane after giving birth to her first child, a girl, if that matters. She is too wealthy to get any serious attention, so everyone lets her aberrations slide, not wanting to confront her, especially those who could be of most help to her.
No matter what is done to assist Laura, things just keep getting more and more out of control. Even as her personality is making major changes (she starts smoking) no one stops and says; "Hey, you're acting weird and freaking everyone out, including yourself."
Any real help comes too late and still no one is confronting the real issue that Laura is insane, not depressed, insane. So what happens? She buries her baby girl alive (thinking it was a doll), and forgets that she even had a baby. So now she is completely delusional and forever insane. The End.
Really. The End.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
Too Long And Cursed
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale was too long and drawn out. Lots of empty scenes and excessive boring battling. Anything Burt Reynolds is in is simply cursed; I think that selling his soul to Satan has something to do with it.
What ruined this movie from start to finish was casting Ray Liotta as the evil mage Gallian. He doesn't look evil but has bad skin, and all the excessive closeups didn't help the situation. His voice was just laughable as being evil, it exuded a very obvious homosexuality. Whether he is gay or not doesn't matter but the fag-o-meter kept going off with every scene he had.
All the special effects at the end of the movie couldn't save this mess, nor could Blind Guardian. What were they thinking? It really isn't worth watching, it just wastes too much time with the same trite story that you have already watched many times before.
Alive or Dead (2008)
Waste Of Time
Two of the dumbest girl characters on Earth. They both deserved to die a thousand times over.
Alive or Dead is riddled with awkward pauses, moronic choices and a ridiculous cannibalistic family. There is no way people this stupid could get away with eating perhaps hundreds of people without getting caught.
Nothing works out, everything goes bad for these girls and they deserve everything that they endure.
Everyone dies except one of the imbecilic girls.
This movie is such crap that it will make you frustrated watching it and leave you frustrated as it finally ends.
Best ending would be to burn this film and pretend it never happened.
Dark Floors (2008)
Surprisingly Good!
I was expecting some grainy low-budget video with lots of shaky-cam and Lordi thrown in there to somehow make it legitimate. I was completely wrong and glad for it! Dark Floors required a large budget and thankfully it shows - professional through and through.
Horror defined here: light on gore, heavy on decaying dead and undead, suspense, terror, confusion and MONSTERS!
Dark Floors unfolds well and has excellent continuity. I especially enjoyed the attention to detail as each progressive floor became more and more aged and dilapidated.
True, the ending was predictable but the ride was well choreographed and fun.
Polycarp (2007)
Oh God Why Me, Why Me...
I can't believe I watched the whole thing. Polycarp aka Kinky Killers will bore your senses to death.
You know those movies that look and feel like someone took a pickup truck down to the Sunset Strip and rounded up a bunch of prostitutes and whores, gave them scripts, drugs and money, and then said: NOW ACT! Well, this is one of 'those' movies.
After about two minutes into this cheese-fest, you start feeling like you are watching a really bad porno flick. The directing, the lines, the cast, just give it away that the movie was governed end-to-end by the porn industry.
Then (since they rounded up a lot of prostitutes off of the Sunset Strip), there is that problem where too many characters look alike - white, dumb and blond. You quickly become confused as to which dumb blond is getting hacked on now, but you resign yourself to not really caring since the movie is just so bad.
The story is completely inane. The acting is so bad you can't believe God made people this stupid. There is no Good versus Evil, since everyone in the movie is evil; so does it really matter which evil wins? At the 30 minute mark you get the overwhelming feeling to just stop watching and try something else, but you decide to see it through. Next time remember to not be so heroic. At around 4/5 into the movie it actually does become a dedication to pornography, witchcraft, Satan and sex-magick. Everyone just starts having sex with whoever, I kid you not.
The ending is as bad or worse than the beginning, leaving you with the typical WTF?! puzzlement. With a title of Kinky Killers (which by the way is meaningless) I suppose you should expect something sexual in nature, but this rode right over to the pornography arena in the last 20 minutes making it unfit for children and teens to view.
A polycarp is a talking fish. A polycarp is a plastic fish. Polycarp is short for: polyester carpeting.
Sight (2008)
You Can Smell The Decay
Sight is a real snoozer, the kind of movie to fall asleep to. I am inclined to believe that someone on YouTube made this movie, yeah, it's that bad.
There is a complete lack of acting ability, this crew couldn't fake an emotion if life depended on it. Continuity is also a major problem. The scenes are rather simple and straightforward, so how can they screw that up? Well they did in very obvious ways. If the movie wasn't so bad it might be interesting to count all the mistakes by watching again, but Hell would have to freeze over before I could bear that.
It isn't even enough of a bad movie to actually have something to say about it. So I leave you here, warning you to stay away. If you do watch, remember that bell that goes off in your head during the first two minutes of the film that tells you this is going to suck - because you are dead right.
Sight, dead from end to end and almost everyone does die.
Gutterballs (2008)
Disgusting and Pornographic
Another "run down to Hollywood Boulevard and round up the whores, give them drugs and money, and yell ACTION!" movie. If you are a total sick pervert, your father is Satan and Hell is your destiny, then this is your movie, enjoy.
Full nudity in this movie, unless you get the edited version. No perceivable acting, a completely depraved and disgusting story from end to end, nothing redeemable, no reason to ever see it.
This film qualifies not as the worst movie of the year, or worst movie ever, but one of the worst movies in the Universe.
If you would actually want to see this sick garbage, it is YOU that needs great and epic mental help...you should be committed forever and they should throw away the key.
Flood (2007)
You Know When The Toilet Overflows...
I'll put it straight to you, this movie is dead boring. It's about a flood, that's it. Blah blah a little about family, blah blah blah politics, blah blah blah boring.
Blame it all on the weatherman, poor sod. The Deputy Prime Minister Campbell is a hard-ass that expects everyone to be clairvoyant, a most irritating character.
If you are from the United Kingdom, or anywhere that it may flood, then you might like this film. It's sort of like earthquake movies are most appreciated where earthquakes happen.
This is not really an action film, where the weather is the enemy and you must conquer, or outrun it literally, it is more like a time-bomb that must be disabled.
Looking at this movie, it is understandable why the UK thinks the world is overpopulated, it isn't, but for them it is.
Really, the movie is about as exciting as picking scabs and I can't recommend it. It's over 100 minutes, far far too long.
The problems with the film; I won't get into them beyond this because the film doesn't deserve such dissection. Hint to you Londoner's - buy more boats. If you bring children to this movie they'll either fall asleep or become uncontrolled bored screaming demons.
Fear House (2008)
The Dreaded Fear House
Remember those horror movies back in the 70's that they would only show at midnight or later on the weekends? Remember how unbelievably bad they were? Well this is much much much worse, and makes horror of the 70's actually desired.
The opening scene screams to your ears and eyes that this is going to be really really bad, but your mind hopes for the best...next time tell you mind to shut up, you know bad when you sense it.
It is awesome just how bad it really gets, no one can just make this stuff up, it was intentionally horrible, a real effort was put forth to make this the worst movie that could ever be made.
What was most disappointing is that there was no ending, and you are told that all the crap you were dragged through wasn't real and never happened - perfect if you want the worst ending to the worst movie ever made.
If you want to see one of the worst horror movies ever made then I dare you to watch this and tell me that I was wrong.
Torment (2008)
I'll bet you will fall asleep...
Saying Torment is bad is putting it mildly...it's bad bad bad.
Showcased here is some of the worst acting I have ever seen. It is not laughably bad it is just irritating and makes you angry to have to watch such incredibly stupid characters, put forth some really really horrible acting.
The dialogue was terrible and then being delivered with zero talent made it unbearable. The psychotic clown/murderer was okay in his acting role which had no dialogue at all.
We're way out here in the boonies to get some rest, but there is a supermarket 6 miles away. Even more ridiculous is that the crazy clown lives 100' away, right next door.
One of the most irritating problems with Torment was that there was absolutely no screaming allowed. I'm not kidding, no one screams, not even while they are being tortured or dismembered. These people have no real desire to live since they hardly fight and say nothing.
The place of torture is a garage in a house; like no one will hear what is going on in there, right? The victims seem to be taped to a chair with a bit of electrical tape, anyone with an adrenalin rush or simply a will to live could break right out of the "restraints" or even hobble out of there chair and all, but no, no one has any strength or will to get away. They even try to be quiet while they are being tortured.
Lauren is the only one who did a bit of yelling and spitting but it was so unmotivated. Break my fingers, shhh, remember no screaming allowed in this movie.
Another problem with Torment was basic continuity, I just lost count of all the anomalies, errors and mistakes.
It is sad to see a crew who want to make horror film but just aren't talented, experienced, professional or even good enough to make that happen. Torment is the result, and it couldn't even approach mediocrity.
Carver (2008)
A Steaming Pile Of....
Hey look a movie with no plot, no actors, no story, no background, no kidding. Well that's nothing new but this one was especially vacuous.
Everybody dies. Nobody cares. When does the movie start?
It's all about gore, fake, silly, ridiculous gore. Gore without meaning, without purpose, gore to show off really low quality makeup and phony blood effects...yawn.
Point of the movie? No point! Surprise? No, disappointment.
What it is, worthless rubbish to be burned. What it could have been, perhaps anything, had someone with a mind worked in this production.
Recommend this? HA! Not on your life, literally.
Army of the Dead (2008)
Low Budget, Low Entertainment
So it isn't horrible, but it also isn't good. If you are 12 and like skeletal warriors this is for you.
Plot was thin, acting was sparse, effects were low budget but passable with one eye closed.
The biggest problem with this film was in expecting an audience above 12 to buy, believe or have leaps of faith abounding in order to swallow some pretty big lies and physical impossibilities.
Everyone dies, except the two puppy lovers, and no one cares about who dies since they are all weak actors and couldn't present a character that you might have any concern about.
And tell me, who in their right mind wouldn't go for the gold after having fought tooth and nail defeating the armies of dead. The entire ending isn't believable and you are left with nothing worth remembering.
Be Kind Rewind (2008)
Stupid Film for Stupid People?
Unfortunately this is a very stupid movie, with an extremely stupid story. Perhaps if they had sweded this film, it would have been actually good. I think people 14 and under will like the movie, everyone older might get a laugh out of it here and there, but ultimately conclude that the film has no lasting merits. I liked the Ghost Busters shtik, and that was about it. What makes the movie difficult to swallow is that there couldn't be that many imbecilic people in the world...could there? No, not in my world, so I have no way to relate to borderline retarded dialog through most of the film and that anyone would actually like even one of the 'sweded' movies. The video store owner should be retiring, being too tired and old to be trying to compete with modern video stores. If he was dumb enough to run this video rental store all of his life without making any profits, then he deserves to lose the place, seeing that he should have left long ago for something more profitable. But that's the theme throughout the entire movie, stupid people doing stupid things because they are stupid.
The Nines (2007)
Well Beyond Amazing
One of those 'have to see' movies that can't be explained with just words. I am not usually very kind to what comes out of Hollywood and I suppose my average rating for a movie is 4-6 stars. The Nines however is really something special, in a world where I believe I have seen everything thousands of times. Ryan Reynolds is superb, who knew he had this in him? The Nines is a rarity, where thinking is not only allowed but necessary to enjoy and understand the movie. If you don't enjoy this it is probably above you, perhaps you should read a few hundred books. I have never seen a 10 movie, and I doubt one exists or ever will exist, so this is as close as it is going to get - in my world.
Jumper (2008)
No No No No No No
This was hardly a movie, a real hodgepodge of stupid effects and plot-less meandering. More and more movies are dumping you into a scene expecting you to know what is happening without building up to that fact. Then as abruptly as you are introduced you are tossed out at the end with no real resolutions or ending. It's kind of like coming in on a movie after it has be running for 45 minutes, then 30 minutes before it is supposed to end, they turn it off and you are asked to leave.
If you are 15 years old or younger you will enjoy this pulp nonsense. Everyone older will just moan and groan throughout and be just starting to wish it would end when it most pleasingly does just that. Thank God for short movies, at least they knew when to quit, just when you feel like leaving because you have had enough.
Meet the Spartans (2008)
The WORST MOVIE of 2008
I sat in awe watching every minute of this, this, this...thing. My mouth was in a perpetual 'waaaah' (what the hell) throughout. I can't believe that this even made it out of the studio, through editing and cursed every screen it was played on. This beat Rambo? Mine eyes! Please make it go away, make it all go away!
The incessant homosexual actions, comments and connotations were just completely revolting and unbelievable, those who produced this horrible monster must all be extreme deviant homosexuals - hardcore. Oh and I guess Kevin Sorbo was desperately seeking career suicide, to even be associated with this disgusting excuse for a movie.
There is nothing funny or entertaining about this movie. If you have an IQ of 50 or below and/or are a deviant homosexual, perhaps you could somehow stomach this monstrosity.
If you liked 300 don't see this. If you hated 300 don't see this. Not only is this not child-safe of any age, it isn't fit for any adult eyes either, unless you are a deranged psychopath. If I could give it a -100 I so surely would.
Cloverfield (2008)
"That Sucked!"
That is all I heard when the movie ended.
Well it's low budget, there is no director, no cameraman and no actors.
With that said, is it any wonder that people hated it. Thank god it was as short as it was, it will be easier to forget that way.
It is an interesting idea gone horribly wrong, carried out by those who just didn't have any real grasp of how to pull it off. It's great to have an different idea of how a movie should be presented, but that doesn't mean that you will be the one capable of carrying it out. They should have looked for people that could make the idea fly, instead it crashed and burned and burned and burned until nothing was left.
I guess you will have to see it to believe me, since it has been so deviously promoted. If you are around 7-10 you will love this movie, everyone older will hate it.
There Will Be Blood (2007)
Well, wasn't that stupid
That's what you say to yourself as the credits roll - Well, wasn't that stupid.
I think this movie was written and edited by my pet cat. No, I got it, my pet fish Gourami wrote it and the cat edited it - they swear.
It's a movie about a basically insane man who goes absolutely insane - The End.
Oh there's this boy, who may or may not be this insane man's son. He goes insane, then becomes sane - The End.
There is this other guy too who is also insane and pretends to know God, he gets killed by the absolutely insane man - The End.
And yeah, there is oil and money and land and pipelines and some other insane guy that pretends to be the absolutely insane man's brother who also gets killed - The End.
Everyone either dies physically or figuratively - The End.
The End - credits roll - Well, wasn't that stupid.
Reverb (2008)
Please Kill Me
Take a dead musician that wandered far into the occult, a cheap music studio, a camera and some crummy actors and you have garbage.
Everything repeats in this movie, if you are too stupid to get the plot laid out before you once, they will spend the rest of the movie pounding it into your thick skull. By the time you watch the whole thing you swear you saw it three times - for those of us that do have a brain and are up and fully functional.
You know it's bad when everybody dies, including the audience. Instead of moaning 'please help me' you will be screaming 'please kill me too'. The ending was one of those ultra-crappy ones, where they just have to jab you in the ribs one last time, so you have to run right out and vomit this thing out of you mind. If you have talent you might be able to forget what you saw in under 24 hours.
I really can't imagine any section of movie goers actually liking this trash, so I would say that no one of any age will like this film. Not only should you not see this but you also shouldn't mention or remember that you ever heard of it.
The Cradle (2007)
Depressing - Here You Have It
If you have problems with depression or are a naturally depressed person - don't watch this movie.
If you are starting a family, don't watch this movie.
If you are hoping for a good or happy ending don't watch this movie.
The description for the movie is wrong, or you could say that there are actually three right descriptions - then it would be counted as one. Yes the movie is that 'messed up'.
There are three endings, you can try to separate them and choose one, or you can twist two or more together. It is best to mix them together, but for a single I do favor Frank as being completely insane from the start.
While it is intentionally bleak, I feel that more background music and a more intricate build-up would have made the movie better overall.