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An error has ocurred. Please try again“Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Conan, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure . . . ”
Robert Redford as Bob Woodward in All the President's Men (1976).
Title card: For a Few Dollars More (1965)
“Alive or dead? It's your choice.”
Clint Eastwood as Monco For a Few Dollars More (1965)
Reviews
Muin (1985)
Have Sword Will Travel
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Soldier
Muin (1985)
Well, I don't know if this was part of some television series, or a failed pilot episode or just a very short movie. My VHS tape clocks in at one hour and eleven minutes. It was retitled "Konan the Barbarian Swordsman" for the American market, probably to borrow Conan the Barbarian (1982) fame. Ahem.
I think it is Korean. Right off the get-go the 'action' starts off. It isn't that good, but it can be hilarious fun. They also use wires and have the fighters fly and jump around. What can that hurt? The budget is lacking so at least they attempt some amusement. Ahem.
Some cool looking wandering swordsman named "Eagle Claw" kills a man and his henchmen. And there was also a woman who was killed. Ahem. Then he kills another man. Who they were, we don't know. The film stock looks lousy in the day scenes, as if it was shot on video almost. Then the wandering swordsman goes into a cave and it looks better, as they use green lights and it almost looks like a Shaw brothers movie. Ahem. He finds some weird Caucasian guy who comes out of a giant shell, or something. He tells him about a general that he is looking for. So he is out for revenge. As if we all did not know that.
The ending will definitely be a letdown for anyone expecting some type of resolution that was building up in momentum. It is as if the first half was made by someone else. The second half introduces Buddhism out of nowhere. There are at least twenty five minutes probably cut out of the version I saw.
The movie is dubbed in English and it sounds horrendous. The best scenes are when no one is talking and they are just fighting. It is not a good movie, but if you enjoy wandering swordsman movies, then it won't hurt to watch it.
What to look out for:
The desert scene where the wandering swordsman is "helped" by some god because the woman he is trying to rescue kept praying.
The unusual assortment of odd characters.
Excessive use of Johann Sebastian Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
Grade: C -
I misteri della giungla nera (1964)
The Mystery of Kali Island
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
The Mysteries of the Black Jungle
I misteri della giungla nera (1964)
Well, there most certainly is a lot of mystery on that island. The daughter of an Englishman is kidnapped by a group of Indians. Fifteen years later he is given command of a punitive expedition to some island where there are rumored to be Thuggees (a historically, organised gang of robbers and cutthroat murderers in India). The Thug cult were the ones who kidnapped the Englishman's daughter, and have been raising her in the belief that she is the female incarnation of Kali (a Hindu goddess). They live in an underground cave and tunnel system. I can't imagine the smell of the place.
Guy Madison plays a bad guy, which is out of turn from his good guy roles in Westerns. He is Souyadhana, the high priest and leader of the Thug cult. There are also some snake hunters on the island, and one of them sees the Englishman's daughter, and instantly falls in love with her. Sounds absurd, but it is not out of place. Just a tad predictable.
The movie has some nice color, especially the Kali altar in the cave system. There is also a Theremin
Musical instrument that makes an annoying noise when they show the Kali statue. The Englishman is actually played by stiff German actor Peter van Eyck, and he is not that good. His usual acting, like all his other movies, consists of looking haughty, annoyed, and unpleasant. Of course he got the role because this was a co-production between Italy, Monaco, and West Germany. So go figure. Michael Caine was probably too famous, and would never have taken the part.
It is surely a movie that is competent enough, and yet wholly average. Nothing great, but it moves along quickly.
Grade: C +
Further:
The Deceivers (1988), Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), Gunga Din (1939), The Stranglers of Bombay (1959), and Mystery of the Black Jungle (1954).
Zorikan lo sterminatore (1964)
Zorkan the Destroyer - extremely amateurish
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Zorikan the Exterminator
Zorikan lo sterminatore (1964)
I saw this movie at an old stuntman friend's home in Italy. It was actually in English, which is surprising. The copy is in absolutely horrendous condition. The colors are completely faded, it is severely cropped, it is blurry, and the images bounce during action scenes. Still, it is watchable.
American actor and muscleman Dan Vadis changes character and actually plays a Saracen (the term to describe the tribes of Arabia). Not that he is any good. But you probably already know that.
Some vizier (a high-ranking political advisor or minister in Arabia) hires him to steal a Christian relic in some Christian city. To do so, he must conquer the city. That consists of eight men hitting the defenders with cheap swords. A Christian captain goes back and gets the relic by using a secret passageway. He escapes, but then is overtaken by Zorikan (American actor Dan Vadis) and his men. In a weird scene, the Christian captain stabs some guy then looks out to see Zorikan (American actor Dan Vadis), and then I guess he slips off the small cliff. (?) The movie producers throw an obvious mannequin dummy, and then cut the scene to the real actor. Very odd, it's as if the director just did not care if the scene looked awful and fake. Most of the movie is like that as well, no one really cared about making a decent movie.
Anyways, the movie is bloody awful and terrible. The budget is extremely low, and the sword fighting is extremely amateurish and limp.
It seems it was made because El Cid (1961) was such a hit. And the Italians were making crusader movies. But then they changed the title later to "Zorikan, the Barbarian" to confuse the audiences and make them think that it was a barbarian movie.
I tre sergenti del Bengala (1964)
Three Eminently Dull Sergeants In Bengal
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Three Sergeants of Bengal (1964) otherwise known as Adventures of the Bengal Lancers
Three sergeants of Her Majesty's Indian army get into trouble and end up in the stockade. May I add that they are eminently dull? One of them was a former doctor who is now a stumblebum drunk. They are offered an informal pardon by the commander if they volunteer to go to some far off outpost where some infamous and notorious Indian bandit is running amok, and typhoid is also rampant. So they are given a guide and head out. On the way, they are involved in some instigated ruckus in a local eatery. And then they beat up all the Indian men, in comedic fashion of course. Why do the Italians always put in these ridiculous fight scenes into their movies? They put them in their pirate movies, their sword and sandal movies, and their Western movies. It seems that they just can not make a serious movie without these idiotic brawl scenes. By the way, this is not a serious movie.
On their way to the fort, they have their horses stolen, are attacked by rampaging elephants, endure a typhoon, and get captured by cannibal headhunters (played by what seem like Spanish men in brown paint and the worst wigs), but the doctor miraculously performs surgery on the chief's son who is suffering from Peritonitis. This after he confesses that he hasn't performed surgery in five years, and also admits to having a case of the "shakes" in his hands. They are released, but then are captured by their guide, who is actually the infamous and notorious Indian bandit. The nonsense just goes back and forth and gets more ridiculous. Apparently, Her Majesty's Indian army had an anachronistic, ludicrous looking machine gun (see also Django (1966) spaghetti Western film). And guess what happens.
The movie is inherently terrible and ridiculous. The three sergeants of Her Majesty's Indian army are ill-mannered, annoying, boorish, and completely uninteresting. They should have been court-martialled and brought before a firing squad to have saved us from such an insipidly dreadful movie.
Most preposterous scenes:
When the three sergeants are locked up by the bandits, one of them smashes a poisonous scorpion, and the other sergeant uses the drunk sergeant's suspenders to flick it onto the guard's neck, and he instantly passes out.
The Indian mutineers and 'Zulus' attacking a British fort. Yes, Zulus from Africa. Don't ask me. But Zulu with Michael Caine was a hit in 1964.
The three sergeants arriving to another fort that is some location fort from Italian Westerns. It is made from logs and looks like it belongs in the old West.
What to look out for:
Peruvian bit actor and professional wrestler, Dakar (born name Alejandro Barrera) in a small part in the fight in the local eatery scene.
Grade: F.
Il trionfo dei dieci gladiatori (1964)
Triumph of the Zen Gladiators
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Well, at least it is bearable. Uh, just barely. Well, not really, because by the 50 minute mark, the movie almost becomes an unpleasant chore to sit through. But you can make it. At the beginning credits, the introduction was really interesting and seems like it was filmed in 3-D. They added too much boisterous and rambunctious high jinks nonsense for anyone to take it serious though. It gets really tedious after the first time. Thus, it seems that the intended audience are young kids. Also, there are no dragons, harpies, Cerberus, Minotaurs, Hydras, Sirens, or even flying fish in this. Which can be good or bad depending on what you enjoy in these types of movies. I myself was wishing for a kraken to arise from the water in the cave scene. I was also wishing for Medusa to turn all the Ten gladiators into stone, because they were an insufferable bore.
Ten gladiator friends take on some job in the far off province where the Romans seek influence. They have to contend with some un-charismatic princess who is flirting with the Parthians, who are an enemy of Rome. There's some plan to kidnap her. Frankly, any proconsul who sends these inept ten gladiator to do work in aid of Rome must not be intelligent at all. They must be a birdbrain of the highest order.
Most absurd scene:
Actor Dan Vadis getting his teeth knocked around by a wimpy Parthian prince (apparently the princess said he was undefeated. Yeah right). Completely unbelievable. Nearly ruins the entire movie.
Second Most absurd scene:
The prolonged fight in the tavern between about twenty three Parthian soldiers and the gladiators. Completely unbelievable. Nearly ruins the entire movie.
What to look out for:
When the gladiators are fighting the Parthian gladiators, and the Parthian gladiators eject a dagger spear from their animal-headed quarterstaff fighting poles.
What not to look out for:
When the Parthian gladiators eject a dagger spear from their animal-headed quarterstaff fighting poles, and all of them get their heads easily stomped in by the gladiators. (?)
Still, if you can make it to the end, you saved the day Gladiator.
Further:
The Battle of Carrhae (Battle fought in 53 BC between the Roman Republic and the Parthian Empire)
Isle of the Dead (2016)
Isle of the Brain Dead
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Not to be confused with the much better Isle of the Dead (1945), as if that were truly possible. This one is absolutely horrible. It is unfortunate that the military didn't just drop an atomic bomb on the whole island while all the military team was on still on it. It would have saved us the pain from watching this rubbish.
If you like fast editing with dismal, loud music blasting as an opening credit, and during the 'action' scenes, then this may fit your bill. All others will probably get dizzy from the excessive use of the "jumping" camera. The director is actually inadequate, deficient, and not good enough to make a movie.
What is laughable is that they hired the most unrealistic and incompetent men and women to play "tough" navy grunts. Keep your eye on cheese-ball actor Joey Lawrence, attempting to look rugged, hardened, and gritty. But he's no GI Joe. No one is in this stinker.
Best actor in the movie: The skeleton that was lying on the ground.
The Death Squad (1974)
The Snoozer Squad
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Former cop Eric Benoit (Robert Forster) who was fired from the police force for having six sleeping pills in his locker (yeah, I know it's completely absurd writing), gets taken under the unscrupulous wings of the police captain and the police commissioner to do a bit of dirty "sniffing out" work against some rogue cops who are exterminating criminals who were not punished by the law. He reluctantly agrees, and turns 'king rat'.
Supposedly this was a television movie, but it in no way even supersedes The Rockford Files (TV Series 1974-1980) on a good day. The Death Squad (1974) is really average. There is a nice introduction with a 1970s font and 1970s music, but it doesn't even excite the audience. With some more work, they could have made it more interesting and watchable.
Actor Robert Forster is not that good of an actor, he is just tepid and bland. There are a whole bunch of recognizable actors in this. It seems that the movie producers took outright inspiration from Serpico (1973) and Magnum Force (1973). But they loused up the finished product.
And they also tacked on the most ridiculous ending, whereby reinstated tough guy cop Eric Benoit (Robert Forster) breaks down in tears after surviving a setup assassination attempt and gathering the evidence against the rogue police officers in a police precinct. What was that all about? He's a sensitive guy now, after being a wiseacre braggart throughout the entire movie?
Grade: C -
Further:
The Star Chamber (1983), Magnum Force (1973), Serpico (1973), Death Wish 3 (1985), The One Man Jury (1978), Extreme Justice (1993).
L.A. Crackdown (1987)
L.A. Boredown - bloody tedious
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
L. A. Crackdown (1987)
Well, once again a movie that doesn't live up to its title. You think you are going to get a violent cop vigilante movie from the 80s, but what we get instead is a bloody tedious teenager reform family type drama. Minus any real drama. Minus any real sense. It was shot on a lousy video camera, so right off it looks terrible.
No budget, horrendous writing and inept acting is the normal here. Some female cop/social worker takes a couple of delinquent girls home because she has a big heart, or simply because she wants to catch some drug dealers. Fill in the cliche blanks. It is long and boring.
There is a laughable scene with the female cop taking out a couple of goons in a pool hall with a cue stick, or a bat. I forgot which.
Most hilarious scene: Two strippers standing around pretending to dance, looking bored out of their mind. And they use the same scene twice.
The ending was influenced by Dirty Harry movies, but the female cop is so lackluster that it is just monotonous.
It's probably a safer bet just to watch a few episodes of Police Woman (TV Series 1974-1978) or The Streets of San Francisco (1972-1977), or just get Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (1987).
Further:
Hollywood Vice Squad (1986), Angel (1983), Avenging Angel (1985), Vice Squad (1982).
Agmyeong (1974)
The Dragon Has No Jaws, or teeth for that matter
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Jaws of the Dragon (1974)
Well, if you have no idea what is exactly happening in this movie in the first 20 minutes, don't feel bad. You are not alone. There are a bunch of 1970s guys that all look like a 1970s Bruce Lee. And they fight each other. And I mean constantly. Then a crime boss beats up or shoots some of his own henchmen because they failed him. There is also mention of heroin.
The scenes are very dark at times, so you have no clue to who is fighting with whom. Add to that a poorly lit disco where another fight occurs, over a woman. Apparently because she danced with an old friend (the hitman enforcer) and the thugs got jealous. Okay. The cameraman also zooms in and out trying to be cool and hip, but you only get dizzy. If you are prone to vomiting, have vertigo, epilepsy, or suffer from motion sickness, then you might proceed with caution. They slant the camera angles throughout the movie. Don't ask me why.
Then the hitman enforcer is called by his boss to whack a woman. The boss asks him what he is doing, and the hitman enforcer tells him that he is reading. Actually he was in bed with the woman from the disco. Is that supposed to be funny? (?) For the record, I did not laugh. But I had to think about it for awhile. And he visits the heavily guarded property and hangs some sentry guard with a rope by putting it around his neck then jumping down from the tree. (?) He climbs the building and uses a ridiculous miniature bow and arrow to "assassinate" the woman who is taking a bath. He takes a photograph of her for "proof". Ostensibly, the hitman enforcer has no qualms about icing a woman. Nice guy. No morals. I probably won't be rooting for him in the movie. Or anybody for that matter. Why am I watching it?
Then right out of left field there appears
an Asian female folk-singer at some club singing the most ear-wrenching songs ever. And they accompany flashbacks of people running in a grassy field.
And you can guess how the next excessively tedious one hour and eleven minutes go on and on. Then you can also guess how many guys get their teeth knocked out, or how many pounds of heroin are exchanged. Or how many women are insulted. Or how many of your brain cells have died from watching this movie.
And after watching the entire movie, I was still unclear as to what it was actually about.
And then you begin to wonder if it would not have been a better idea to have started reading the abridged book, "The History of the Insect World" or emptying your septic tank, instead of watching this movie.
Good luck.
The Mugger (1958)
The Mugger with a Cold Rusted Knife
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
The Mugger (1958) is a fairly good police procedural movie. This one has as a main protagonist, a headshrinker that is basically a cop. Good thing that they stuck more to the police aspects of his job because listening to his psychologist lingo mumbo jumbo would have gotten really tedious after a while.
Basically a man is mugging women and also cutting their faces. The cops are working hard to bring him in. They also throw in some taxi driver (James Franciscus) and his domestic problems, which tie in to the ending.
Good crime dialogue is also found in the movie, and the decent acting from the main actors is what carries it along at a brisk pace. Some of the acting from the lower incidental characters stinks, especially from the guy who owns the Turkish bathhouse. He's so bloody over the top and comical, attempting to be a "tough as nails" boss.
One ridiculous aspect of the movie was that the psychologist cop gets way too many compliments about his "handsome" looks from dames. Some broad even brings him a cake. (?) He also has a younger policewoman girlfriend. That is just ludicrous writing. Why waste a good movie with nonsense like this? It ruins any sense of realism. And the psychologist cop is an older man and definitely no charmer or dreamboat. He has a regular mug.
And be prepared to be further letdown by the capture of the mugger himself. It was laughable. Terrible writing, just intended to support that the psychologist cop was "correct" about his "profile".
The ending was also rushed and harshly violent. I mean James Franciscus attempting to get away and trying to leap onto a departing ferry boat, and he misses and jumps into the propeller blades? I'm still scratching my head on that one.
So it drops because of the quick closing scene that has the psychologist cop and his policewoman girlfriend put the heat on James Franciscus because "she saw him with the murdered young woman". Then he spills his guts to them that he did kill her. It was not very convincing at all.
Grade: B -
Supernatural: Viktoria (1977)
Demonia, Doll of the Damned
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Quite a splendid little teleplay emphasizing the particular era of Victorian horror.
A hooded person walks into some gentleman's occult club with a written story to tell the members to see if they can seek admittance.
It details the fractious relationship between a conceited Englishman and his equally thoughtless European wife, who is an invalid, and also a bit of a valetudinarian. She takes pills for her heart and one day is unable to get to the pill case. Her husband intentionally delays, and she dies. Her old European female caretaker is horrified by her death and seems to put some type of preternatural animation in a strange doll that the young daughter takes a fancy to later. Apparently she may be a practitioner of the occult or malefic witchery. Well, the unusual doll seeks revenge against the indifferent husband. Is the doll the reincarnated mother, some demonic spirit, a rancorous life force? We have to guess it seems, and that is why it is so interesting. And the ending was absolutely sumptuous to behold.
One interesting note to add, the wonderful Norwegian writer Knut Hamsun wrote two books with the title of "Rosa" and "Victoria", which are both the names of the young daughter and of the bizarre doll. I wonder if the writer of the teleplay was not influenced by Hamsun in some way.
Los buitres cavarán tu fosa (1971)
And the Crows Will Dig Your Grave
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
The Vultures Will Dig Your Grave (1971)
Fairly enjoyable Western about Wells Fargo hiring its own armed force to deal with a rash of banditry that has been threatening its stagecoach business. It turns out that most of the men are nothing more than disreputable riffraff and murdering bounty hunter vermin. One of them, Jeff Sullivan (American actor Craig Hill) has a few more scruples than the rest. He visits a prison camp to buyout a prisoner who is the half-brother of a notorious bandit. We don't know exactly what his motive is, but we later learn of it in the end.
The ex-prisoner escapes from the bounty hunter a few times, and then they work together at others.
Spanish actor Fernando Sancho is one of the dishonorable bounty hunters, Pancho Corrales, and he even shoots the father of a woman. The ex-prisoner and her fall "in love" later, which is supremely ridiculous. She later puts a bullet in Jeff Sullivan (American actor Craig Hill) to help the ex-prisoner escape. Spanish actor Fernando Sancho travels with a few other rabble bounty hunters, trying to get whatever bounty they can.
The finale has a long gunfight that is particularly routine, and not filmed with any artistry, but everyone gets their comeuppance.
There is a really nice introduction with colorful still-shots from the movie. It is a basic Western, but will be perfectly adequate for anyone seeking such a movie.
Grade: C.
Judas... ¡toma tus monedas! (1972)
Take Your Coins and Die! - a tolerable Western
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Judas... Take your coins
Judas... ¡Toma tus monedas! (1972)
Spanish film actor Jorge Martín, wearing the same black hat and black coat that he wore in the Western movie Sonora (1968) plays some man on the hunt for a former army officer who stole some gold. Actor Jorge Martín has a sculpted beard that looks ridiculous and out of place in the old West, and he also has tons of "sun burnt" makeup. Anyways, he breaks some murderer out of jail so that he can get information on the former army officer who stole a cache of gold. He also comes across some bounty hunter, and they usually work together, but then don't want to share the reward later on. But it seems to be more playful than actual betrayal. Spanish actor Fernando Sancho is thrown in here as an element of comedy and scheming, and he can really get annoying at times. He actually makes it alive to the end, how he escaped a bullet to the back or a hangman's rope, I'll never know.
The former army officer who stole the gold is holed-up in some abandoned town with some hired men. They all have to face the men who are after them.
It is a tolerable Western movie, nothing outstanding or superb. The budget is really nonexistent, but the two leads are what make it at least watchable. You can really feel the dust and heat from the movie.
Grade: C -
Le due facce del dollaro (1967)
Two Faces of the Dullard
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Two Faces of the Dollar (1967)
Well, at least there is a really good introductory musical theme in the movie. They use it throughout the movie and it is nice to hear. Unfortunately, that is the only thing that is of any interest.
Some annoying "genius" who has been mining dirt, and is the laughingstock of the town (this plays into his plan later), hatches some harebrained idea that he can pull off a robbery of gold in some United States Army fort. Yeah right. He gets a few other miserable people to help him out, and it all works perfectly. They all just waltz into the fort quite easily. Implausible scenes ahead. Apparently the army troops are the most incompetent around. Then the "genius" double-crosses the woman who had helped them. And later, everyone double-crosses each other, but then start working together to save the woman, who was double-crossed earlier, and was captured by bandits. They kill the group of bandits, who were hired by a soldier at the fort who learned of the robbery, and quite easily. Then they double-cross each other again in one of the most ridiculous endings ever. You will be scratching your head during the last thirty minutes, tired of the excessive use of the "double-cross" scenario.
This could have been a decent movie if the writers stuck to some consistency, and made it a regular heist Western. But it is just a complete waste of time with all the additional nonsense added. All the characters are absolutely vile and unlikeable as well, and that doesn't help either.
Grade: D.
Adiós gringo (1965)
Adiós Amigo - decent Western
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Adiós gr-ingo (1965)
An innocent cowboy Brent Landers (Italian actor Giuliano Gemma) meets up with an old friend who sells him his cattle. When Brent Landers (Italian actor Giuliano Gemma) gets to town, he is accused of stealing the cattle by a respectable man. The man provokes him so that he has to shoot in self-defense. He barely escapes an angry mob, and is on the trail of his reprobate scoundrel old friend so that he can clear his name.
He finds a woman who is tied in the desert and saves her. Taking her to town, he finds a kind doctor. We learn that three men kidnapped her and they are now in town. One of them is the son of a wealthy man. The wealthy man then tries to take on the sheriff, the doctor, and Brent Landers (Italian actor Giuliano Gemma), who are all working together to protect the young woman who can identify the three men.
This Italian Western is decent enough, although it can be corny at times, especially the fight scenes that have Brent Landers (Italian actor Giuliano Gemma) appear as a nearly unbeatable adversary.
It's worth a watch.
Grade: C -
Dove si spara di più (1967)
Fury of the Gunfighter - predictable dull Western
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Fury of Johnny Kid (1967)
A predictably dull Western that seems to borrow plenty of ideas from American Westerns, but has no idea on how to make it all work together. It is an absolutely ridiculous and dumb movie.
Two warring ranch families have long feuded with each other, and the Mexican Campos ranch family got the upper hand by putting explosives into the ground and shooting at them while the Anglo-Saxon Mounter ranch family was passing through. Implausible scenes ahead.
Johnny Mounter (the eminently uninteresting German actor Peter Lee Lawrence) is captured and then breaks away with some other guy that was captured by the Mexican Campos ranch family, in one of the most unbelievable scenes ever. The bloke's nickname is "Lefty" because he is wearing a hook for a hand. He supposedly teaches Johnny Mounter (the eminently uninteresting German actor Peter Lee Lawrence) how to shoot in a five minute sequence. Now Johnny Mounter is an expert. (?) Lefty definitely becomes the movie's most annoying character, next to the sheriff, and just about everyone else.
The dubbed voices are horrible, attempting to sound like American country folks. The corny dubbing is in that Italian horror movie vein from the 1960's whereby some ridiculous 'dubbers' overexaggerate and ruin any sense of tension or urgency in the script. The movie also overuses the insipidly drab theme music throughout. You can probably guess how it all ends. No mystery there.
What to look out for:
"Lefty" teaching Johnny Mounter (the eminently uninteresting German actor Peter Lee Lawrence) how to shoot by putting pieces of bread on his hook and having him shoot them.
Two men arm wrestling in a cantina with nails on each side of their hands/arms. Loser gets nailed.
A woman stagecoach passenger who shoots the bandana off of Johnny Mounter's (the eminently uninteresting German actor Peter Lee Lawrence) face.
The woman stagecoach passenger who Johnny Mounter (the eminently uninteresting German actor Peter Lee Lawrence) fell in love with, getting slapped in the face by him, after he tells her that he loves her.
The ridiculously stupid ending that seems to belong more in a Mario Bava horror movie.
Le pistole non discutono (1964)
No Name on the Bullet - enjoyable Western
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
This is an altogether enjoyable Western movie. It looks exactly like an American Western, but is actually a joint European production. Stalwart Canadian actor Rod Cameron makes a fine presentation playing the traditional role that he was known for in his Westerns. The direction, the beautiful color of the film, and the music is very good.
Rod Cameron plays a sheriff who is getting married when two brothers rob the bank. He goes after them in Mexico, finds them quite easily, and then has to bring them back alive. Meanwhile, some bandits are informed of the bank loot that he is hauling back. They decide to try to get it for themselves.
Some of the writing and the story is not generally believable, especially when the bandits fail to kill them. Also when the sheriff quickly lifts up both brothers into an above-room storage loft before the Mexican law arrives and they don't even bother to check it, and when they easily cross the desert without water, and when one of the brothers gets a bullet taken out of his shoulder and suddenly he's riding a horse again. Still, it's hard to dislike the movie.
Grade: C+
Anda muchacho, spara! (1971)
Dead Rider on a Horse
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
A prisoner (Italian actor Fabio Testi) escapes the extremely brutal and tough conditions of the Yuma Territorial Prison. He is given help by a man from a poor peon mining village, where the men work as slaves, getting gold out for the local strong-arm boss.
Eventually the prisoner (Italian actor Fabio Testi) shoots a man in self-defense and brings inquiries about who he is and where he came from. He even gets a job from the local strong-arm boss. Then they show some infighting between a couple of the local strong-arm boss's men. Apparently they are fighting over some woman.
The strong-arm boss also has some vicious Mexican bandits on his payroll to kill any peasants who want to try to get the gold to Tucson Arizona for a fair price. They are given information by an informant who is a peasant.
Slowly, we begin to learn that the current local strong-arm boss had another wealthy man jailed and put into the Yuma Territorial Prison. The escaped prisoner (Italian actor Fabio Testi) saved him from a whipping, and later escaped with him, but the man died. We are led to surmise that the escaped prisoner (Italian actor Fabio Testi) was promised gold for helping him. And the woman that the two men were fighting over was his daughter.
This Western is completely average, but there are some nice scenes with music that usher in a touch of sadness. Especially when the local strong-arm boss has his men hang up by the arms, the escaped prisoner (Italian actor Fabio Testi) and has him beaten; the director inserts flashbacks of when he saved the older man from a whipping. What also really works is the enigmatic nature of the escaped prisoner (Italian actor Fabio Testi). He is quite laconic and we don't know anything about him. This is an asset for his mournful persona. There is also some nice little class consciousness added to the movie, not the full dose that you usually find in Zapata Spaghetti Westerns, but just enough to perceive that the peons at the end are now wary of gold exploiters taking over again.
The ending is right out of A Fistful of Dollars (1964), they also filmed it at the same location. But they did not even get as close to how good Sergio Leone edited his ending. And Italian actor Fabio Testi is nowhere near as great an actor, or even presence as Clint Eastwood. But he does have a youthful appearance that works well.
The version I watched was in Spanish with no subtitles. The audio was not very good, so it is difficult to hear what is being said at times. It is also in Castilian Spanish from the heart of Spain, and introductory Spanish students may have trouble with the accents.
What to look out for:
Italian actor Fabio Testi shooting a barber in self defense while leaning backwards in a barber chair.
Italian actor Fabio Testi using a leather hand strap when in a gunfight. Clint Eastwood wore a leather shooting wrist cuff in For a Few Dollars More (1965).
A beautiful and morose main musical theme.
Sei bounty killers per una strage (1973)
Six Dunce Killers for a Massacre
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Well, this is a terribly incomprehensible and incoherent Italian Western. It seems to have been made by someone who had no idea how to put together a story that the audience could understand. What they did was assemble a bunch of long and tedious scenes in the hopes that it would all miraculously come together. A bunch of lifeless characters are brought into the picture and you don't know who is who, nor will you actually care. And this goes on for one hour and twenty minutes. The movie is only one hour and twenty seven minutes. So seven minutes for the big "pay off", and they even botched that.
The plot, if there is a resemblance of one, has some man and his henchmen attack some armed and guarded carriage, and kidnapping a woman and her child. Apparently they are the governor's family. So he hires a cadre of bounty killers with the most ridiculous names, and equally ridiculous attributes, to attempt a rescue.
The acting is atrocious, the music is lousy and repetitive, and it is so drudgingly long.
What to look out for:
A henchman wearing the same poncho that Clint Eastwood wore in A Fistful of Dollars (1964).
A man who has the worst fake "hook for a hand".
A henchman getting a knife in the front of his skull.
Más negro que la noche (1975)
Night and Then the Dark - average horror movie
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Darker Than Night
Más negro que la noche (1975)
An average horror movie from Mexico. Not much in frights, or anything for that matter.
A remake of "Más negro que la noche" (1975), was included on a TV set a girl is watching in the Director Henry Bedwell (2014) version. That one was absolutely horrible. This original version is a bit better.
The 1975 film is directed by Carlos Enrique Taboada, who did "Even the Wind Is Afraid" (1968) and "The Book of Stone" (1969) in his trilogy of horror, all equally average and dull.
Grade: C+
Fury at Showdown (1957)
Showdown at Fury - a reliable Western
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Fury at Showdown (1957) is a really reliable Western. I particularly liked that it was filmed in Black and White, and the introductory montage was singularly unique. You tend to see more out of the ordinary and interesting introductory montages on these smaller budget Westerns. See director R. G. Springsteen's Apache Uprising (1965) opening.
It is based on a pulp Western book, Showdown Creek (1956) by Lucas Todd.
Director Gerd Oswald, whom I know from The Outer Limits (1963 TV series), takes his time and does not rush through the scenes at all. This adds a bit of pressure and tension to the story. The locations are also very good. Certain to note, is that I perceived that this Western seems very lugubrious. I don't know if the director intended it that way, or the actors are all just emphasizing a gloomy world in which they all must live. Nonetheless, it is very interesting. Also to be mindful of, is the subtle acting from all actors involved, quite a few that I recognized from other Westerns.
John Derek as Brock Mitchell, plays a man who has used his gun in self-defense before, but gets stigmatized as a hot-headed gunslinger. He goes back to his hometown where Nick Adams as Tracy Mitchell, his younger brother, has maintained the family cow ranch.
They are expecting a signed and delivered deal from the railroad company to feed their workers. But they run into opposition from the brother of a man that John Derek as Brock Mitchell, had killed. He also hires a gunfighter as his personal guard, and they both go out of their way to impede or provoke the two brothers.
The bar fight with the two gunmen had some great body double stuntmen work. The fight even went out into the street and involved a horse carriage. Actor John Smith (Laramie (TV Series 1959-1963), who plays the
gunfighter agitator and personal guard, reminds me a bit of actor Jack Palance in Shane (1953), who also played a hired gunfighter agitator. Although nowhere near the great presence that Jack Palance emitted in his role. Additionally, each character wore a two gun holster, creating a menacing presence in the form of both of the guns.
A nice Western, but it does come short in runtime at 75 minutes, and the lack of action may put off some more-demanding audience members.
7 Colt per 7 carogne (1967)
Seven Guns for Seven Corpses
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Siete Pistolas para Siete cadáveres (1967)
Seven Guns for Seven Corpses
Siete Pistolas para Siete cadáveres (1967) was directed both by Rene Cardona and his son Rene Cardona Jr. Rene Cardona Sr. Was a director in the Golden Age of Mexican cinema. Rene Cardona Sr, who was an in-house Mexican Director, along with his son, did some 1970's Exploitation films that played the world theater circuits. Together they produced, directed and distributed numerous low-budget Exploitation films that weren't very good, but are noted for having burnt out Hollywood actors and exotic themes (Guyana: Crime of the Century (1979), Carlos the Terrorist (1979), Cyclone (1978), The Bermuda Triangle (1978), ¡Tintorera! Tiger Shark (1977)).
This is a Mexican Western, but it is completely stylized like an American Western. The towns, the hats, the clothing, all copy the American television and movie Western fashions of the 1960s.
Jorge Rivero plays a gunfighter named Ringo, who butts heads with the local town bosses. They have him shot, and he is left for dead. Later, a priest saves him and he recovers in the church. Not content with leaving, Ringo seeks revenge against all the men responsible for his attempted murder.
Jorge Rivero was a Mexican actor who appeared in a few American movies (The Last Hard Men (1976), Rio Lobo (1970), Soldier Blue (1970)). He was a weightlifter and starred in a few "El Santo" movies and plenty of low budget films like Manaos (1979), Pistoleros de la frontera (1967), Manaos (1979) and Evil Eye (1975).
It is pretty average and it looks like Rene Cardona and his son Rene Cardona Jr. Also shot La vuelta del Mexicano (1967) using the same sets, actors, and costuming. Either that or they just shot additional scenes and changed the characters' names, etc and released this in European markets as a Spaghetti Western. The movie title is not a typical Mexican Western title.
In Spanish with no subtitles.
Vamos a matar Sartana (1971)
Let's Go and Kick 'Em All Sartana!
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
I recently pulled out an old VHS copy of this movie from my storage. It has been a while since I have seen it. The copy is blurry, has scratches, and is in terrible shape, but it still is perfectly watchable. And the audio is satisfactory, but it is only in Spanish; for those who don't speak it you can easily figure what is going on.
The title on my version is "Demasiados muertos para Tex" which translates into English as, "Too Many Dead for Tex". It seems like it was retitled for the American market as a Sartana movie though, as many Spanish and Italian Westerns were, in an attempt to capture a greater share of American audiences.
Spanish actor Jorge Martín, appearing with the most ridiculous wig ever, plays a man named Tex Nebraska. He gets into trouble with the law frequently, and was just set free by a judge. He later visits his fiancé, and suddenly five men start to beat him, out of nowhere. She throws him a revolver to defend himself, and he kills them all. And she is smiling after that. Very strange woman. The scene is absolutely ridiculous and quite typical in Spaghetti Westerns. And then the sheriff suddenly appears, and locks Tex up in the local jail. The sheriff is also the brother of Tex's fiancé.
In jail, some other guy is locked up with Tex. He is called "El Loco", the crazy one in English. American actor and bodybuilder Gordon Mitchell plays him. A bit later, El Loco's two friends break them all out of jail.
They meet up with a fat guy and then they go search for a ranch house that has gold in it. A couple is in the house, and the man is killed by El Loco's accomplice. The woman is saved by Tex after telling them that the gold is hidden in an old church, and she is let go.
There are a lot of imbecilic comedic scenes in this movie, and that really ruins it because then they are attempting to be serious in other instances. It probably would have been better if it was all serious and not dumb and simpleminded. I think they wanted to be like the Trinity movies.
The whole group goes looking for the church, but get their horses stolen, and then the sheriff suddenly starts to follow them (even after he was shot by El Loco's accomplice - it's like the writers forgot about that) and they also start bickering amongst themselves. The fat guy is shot by the posse and disappears from the movie altogether. Tex also starts flirting with the woman who helped with the jailbreak.
El Loco then gets pushed off a ledge by the woman accomplice. And Tex has to kill the man who freed El Loco from jail because he is jealous and wants to kill him. So basically, the story just keeps getting more unbelievable and pointless.
Finally, Tex and the woman find the church and then the gold, but she shoots him (like you could not see that coming). She goes to the top floor and two men attack her. I think they were bandits that were following them. Tex is still alive, as the bullet only grazed his forehead. He kills the two bandits, and the woman runs away with the chest of gold. Apparently there is a mud pool nearby, and the woman and the chest of gold start to sink after she runs in the mud. Tex attempts to save her, but she goes under. And then Tex is drowning, but is thrown a lasso rope and pulled from the mud by the sheriff. And this is a hilarious scene from a horror movie, the woman has become a skeleton and we see her skull before it sinks back into the mud! Tex's fiancé is present as well, and she suggests that Tex and her get married. But he is having doubts, and the movie end credits start.
Be sure to look for the stock footage of a waterfall, and also for the excessive use of the audio stock effect of the "werewolf howling" that you have heard in countless movies.
Quite an unusual movie. It is average, and peculiar in many ways, but definitely worth a watch.
Grade: C -
In Spanish with no subtitles.
Mark of the Gun (1969)
The Empty Gun Leaves No Mark - a peculiar Western
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
A young man gets tussled up by what seem like lawmen, but he escapes them and heads off into the yonder. He comes across some building with a young guy guarding the entrance, and he lets him pass. He seeks lodging at the place and sees that there are many women and men present. One of them picks a fight with him, and another draws a gun on him but is shot dead. The place may be a brothel, it is hinted at but never overtly stated.
Later, the man also shoots the guy who had picked a fight with him earlier. And he is still allowed to be at the house after killing two of the men. That seems very odd. The leader of the ruffian men asks him if he wants to do a bank robbery job with them. He agrees, but infighting and jealousy take their toll. Soon they are ineffective at doing anything at all. And it turns out that the men were also double-crossed by the women, who actually robbed the bank. The plot is inconsistent and ridiculous, but at least they added some female spin to the mix.
As far as Westerns go, Mark of the Gun is extremely anemic and peculiar. They waste half the runtime at the old building, with nothing but talking and quarreling. It doesn't really pick up that much later, but then it does start to resemble a regular Western again. The producers make decent use of some old abandoned building for the ending shootout. I saw a few familiar faces like actor Ned Romero and actor Paul Sorensen.
The lead man is so inept and does not have any charismatic qualities at all. He barely speaks as well and that makes him extremely irritating. The rest of the cast is tolerable for a no-budget Western movie. It is not a particularly enjoyable viewing, but it is somewhat interesting to find these low-end movies. The movie looks like from 1962 or so. It probably was locked up in a vault and the dates are incorrect.
Grade: C -
The Beast from the Beginning of Time (1965)
The Smelly Caveman from the End of Time
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
With an extravagantly flamboyant title like "The Beast from the Beginning of Time", you would think that the spectacular titular monster is from another planet, or distinct zone of time in another universe. But no, apparently it is from the good old polluted Earth. And he comes complete with an ancient loincloth tied around his (blank) to prove it. Imagine the smell of that thing.
This is a tolerantly interesting zero-budget little movie. That is, if you have the patience for it. And by patience, I mean the type of patience that you can acquire only if you have been incarcerated for 6 months, or have been living alone in a desolate forest for one year. It is long-winded and exceedingly garrulous. I mean these guys can really chatter and yap with the best of them. The plot is about some troglodyte that is uncovered in some type of dig. It is never mentioned what area of specialty the crew is from, but it is safe to say they are either archaeologists, paleontologists, or relic pirates. And they are extremely dull, dumb, prone to bickering, and a very danger to the community where they live.
Anyways, the troglodyte is inexplicably "animated" back to life by some lighting storm, and he impales a man with a shovel. The blame is put on one of the men of the dig, who is quickly labeled a lunatic and locked up in the local nuthouse. But he gives a stern warning to everyone that the troglodyte came to life during a lightning storm. But does anyone listen? Not those arrogant men of science.
Finally, the arrogant men of science go look for one of the original men involved with the dig, who is in the academic building late at night. There is also a lighting storm brewing, and the homicidal troglodyte comes back to life and rips off the arms of the original man involved with the dig. He also kills an old custodian, who was packing a revolver, and probably moonshine, in his room on the furnace level.
The smug academic guys try to hunt the troglodyte, with the help of a few useless sheriffs. But bullets are ineffective, and a tail spine spike from the fossilized figure of a Stegosaurus in the building museum, is used to impale him. But, the troglodyte is still breathing at the end. Eegah!
The horrible condition of the aged movie actually aids the viewing. And, although those who are more inclined to find fault in these types of movies may disagree, the troglodyte was actually quite acceptable.
So, if you are altogether already accustomed to these old zero-budget horror movies, then you might find this one somewhat amusing.
Makes great viewing paired up with Trog (1970), Iceman (1984), and Quest for Fire (1981).
Have fun.