- Jeff Probst: [about the hosts' preparations] And as of this moment right now, no lie, at two minutes into the show on Emmy night, we have absolutely nothing for you.
- Tina Fey: To our friends in France, "Bienvenue."
- Amy Poehler: To our friends in Spain, "Welrrr-come."
- Tina Fey: To Greece, "Kalos irthate."
- Amy Poehler: To Italy, "Evrybody wellcome... Meatballs."
- Tina Fey: To our friends in Beijing, "Huan yin."
- Amy Poehler: To our enemies on Mars, "Blip-blorp, you are not welcome, blip-blorp-blip."
- Tina Fey: Hey, you know what...
- Amy Poehler: And to all the parrots watching, "Bwaaap, bweaa, hello, welcome!"
- Tina Fey: You told me you were going to practise these.
- Amy Poehler: I lied!
- Julia Louis-Dreyfus: That was an episode of Seinfeld called "The Contest", and boy does that bring back happy memories. You know, I can't tell you how proud I am to be part of a television program that celebrates the gratuitous indulgence of self-gratification... But enough about the Emmys.
- Ricky Gervais: I couldn't come last year, which was a shame. But I still won. D'you remember? Thanks for that. The press called it a major upset. Which means they thought I shouldn't have won.
- Ricky Gervais: [to Steve Carell] I made you what you are and I get nothing back. Have you even been to see "Ghost Town" yet? No? I sat through "Evan Almighty". Give me my Emmy!
- Conan O'Brien: Let's face it, we all owe a great deal to The Simpsons. But I owe more than most. See, one of my first big jobs in television was writing dialog for Bart Simpson. It was then I realized that a guy with crazy hair and a girl's voice could make it in this business.
- Steve Martin: [introducing Tommy Smothers] But his passion and his intelligence guided us writers, resulting in a controversial show that was perspicacious, multifarious and only sometimes placatory. And believe me, I only use those words to see how closed-captioning will spell them.
- Jon Stewart: What are you doing?
- Stephen Colbert: I'm sorry, I'm just enjoying these delicious prunes.
- Jon Stewart: Do you need to do that right now, do you need to eat prunes?
- Stephen Colbert: Yes, Jon, I need to. You know what, I think right now America needs a prune. It may not be a young, sexy plum. Granted, it is shrivelled and at times hard to swallow, but this dried-up old fruit has the experience we need.
- Jon Stewart: You know, after eight years of prunes you would think...
- Stephen Colbert: Never enough. What could possibly go wrong?
- Don Rickles: And also my dear wife Barbara. She is something else. She was an assistant at GAC when I first met her, and I said, "I'd like to see an agent called Jack Galardi." She said, "What does it regard to?" I said, "I'm a butcher, I have a truck outside, I want to sell meat." And she said, "Being a wiseguy will not get you in to see him." And today she just sits in Malibu on the sand with the jewelry, signalling ships.
- Tina Fey: I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities. Well done, that is what all parents should do.
- Jimmy Kimmel: And the winner of the Emmy for outstanding host for a reality or reality competition show is... going to be revealed when we come back after this break.