Everybody Hates Chris (TV Series)

Everybody Hates Caruso (2007)

Tyler James Williams: Chris

Quotes 

• Greg Wuliger : So, FYI, my sources tell me that Yao likes using the upstairs bathroom by the art room.

  Chris : What sources? What are you, "Spenser for Hire"?

  Narrator : I guess that makes me Hawk.

• Chris : [to Caruso]  Call me Stymie, Rochester, Tootsie Roll, Inkwell. Come on, man!

  Joey Caruso : What are you doing?

  Narrator : Prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby.

• Bernard Yao : [to Chris]  What do you want?

  Chris : I have a problem and I need your help.

  Bernard Yao : I got my own problems.

  Chris : I guarantee you they cannot be worse than mine.

  Bernard Yao : I'm failing math. I got work to do. I don't have time for this.

  Chris : Wait, you're not good at math?

  Bernard Yao : What, just because I'm Asian, I have to be good in math? You're black, can you moonwalk?

  Chris : I didn't mean it like that. And, no, I can't moonwalk.

  Bernard Yao : So, I can't use chopsticks.

  Chris : I don't like watermelon.

  Bernard Yao : I can't make a swan out of paper.

  Chris : I don't have sickle cell anemia.

  Bernard Yao : I don't own a dry cleaners.

  Narrator : I bet you like rice.

• Joey Caruso : [to Chris]  What's wrong with you?

  Chris : You're what's wrong with me, walking around here like a sad Richie Cunningham.

• Chris : [to Caruso]  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel bad for you. You used to run this school and now look at you. You're sad, pathetic and scared out of your mind. Shoot, if you were black, you'd be me.

  Joey Caruso : What do you want from me?

  Chris : You need to stand up to Yao.

  Joey Caruso : Are you crazy? He hit me in the eye with a Siberian Flying Tiger. I couldn't see straight for three days.

  Chris : When I first came to this school, you smacked me around, but I stood up to you and you smacked me around some more.

  Joey Caruso : So what's your point?

  Chris : You see, every superhero needs a villain. I mean, where would Superman be if it wasn't for Lex Luthor? He'd be at the Hall of Justice watching super TV. And the Fantastic Four, where would they be if it wasn't for Dr. Doom? At the circus. The reason you need to stand for yourself is because I need you. The school needs you. And unless you want to spend the rest of the school year slinking around and being scared to let me kick the crap out of you, you need to stand up for yourself.

  Joey Caruso : [as he comes out of the bathroom stall]  You really think I can beat him?

  Chris : I don't think so. I know so.

• Chris : [to Yao]  Thank you.

  Bernard Yao : Thanks, nothing. You got what you wanted. I let Caruso beat me and now I get what I want. Either I pass my math class or it's your ass.