The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Engagement (1997)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Owen Newitt : I believe this is your filling.

  Geraldine : Oh... Thank you, Owen...

  Owen Newitt : I'd have brought it sooner, but I've only just passed it.

  Geraldine : Right... I won't be putting it right back in then...

• Geraldine : I'll just go and... make some tea then, shall I? Hugo, I believe there's something you have to do.

  [Goes into the kitchen, leaving Alice and Hugo alone] 

  Geraldine : Oh, this is easy. I should take this up for a living. All you have to do is create the right social situation and love will flower, like a flower... flowering in the right social situation. Two lovely young people, their tender lips meeting for the first time in a whirlwind of passion that is, in fact, true love.

  [Goes back into the living room and becomes exasperated on seeing that they haven't moved] 

  Geraldine : OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, JUST KISS, YOU MORONS!

  [Feigning innocence] 

  Geraldine : I'm so sorry. Did I say that out loud? Er... what I actually meant to say was please don't worry, it's perfectly simple and you're going to enjoy it.

  [Takes their hands] 

  Geraldine : All you have to do is close your eyes and... move forward.

  [They do so, but Geraldine notices that they are about to miss each other] 

  Geraldine : Then open your eyes again.

  [Hugo abruptly shuffles back so that he is in line with Alice] 

  Geraldine : Look where you're going. That's right. And... move forward.

  [They slowly move towards each other] 

  Geraldine : Docking procedure almost complete. And then...

  [Their lips are just about to meet when Hugo steps back] 

  Hugo Horton : Can't we just shake hands?

  Alice Tinker : Yeah, yeah. I-I love shaking hands. It's an excellent way of communicating affection without getting wet.

  Geraldine : [Losing patience]  Just *do* it!

  Hugo Horton : Right. Right.

  [Holds out his hand] 

  Hugo Horton : Good luck, Alice.

  Alice Tinker : Good luck, Hugo.

  [They shake hands and embrace awkwardly, then kiss - initially very tentatively, but then passionately] 

  Geraldine : [Gleefully, to herself]  Yes! Houston, we have kiss-off.

• Geraldine : So, what have we got? One jigsaw for sale, partially eaten. What's the puzzle of?

  Owen Newitt : [Tearing his eyes away from Hugo and Alice's kissing]  Ah, it's a woman with no clothes on, but it's very tasteful.

  Geraldine : What, a painting of some sort? Rubens? Renoir?

  Owen Newitt : No, it's a Page 3 girl but the labrador's eaten her knockers.

• Geraldine : Oh, well. The joy of those first kisses eh, Owen?

  Owen Newitt : Well, I wouldn't know. I've never had a proper kiss.

  Geraldine : Oh. Haven't you?

  Owen Newitt : Except for Daisy, and she was a cow, so that doesn't really count, does it?

  Geraldine : What, you *kissed* one of your cows?

  Owen Newitt : No. The gamekeeper's daughter - right cow she was. She said if I gave her all my pocket money, she'd let me feel inside her bra.

  Geraldine : What, and then she *didn't* let you?

  Owen Newitt : No, she did. The problem was she wasn't wearing it at the time.

• [Geraldine has turned down Owen's proposal of marriage] 

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Promise me you're not too upset?

  Owen Newitt : Well, I don't know yet how upset I am.

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Well, not so upset you're going to go kill yourself or anything like that?

  Owen Newitt : I haven't decided. But, before I do, answer me one question.

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Oh, anything.

  Owen Newitt : Right. Have you been drinking?

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Have had one little dropsicle, yes.

  Owen Newitt : Because if there's one thing I can't stand it's a woman who drinks. So, no, I'm not upset at all. In fact I'm very grateful to you from saving me from marriage to a lush who reeks of gin from dusk till dawn. Madam, I bid you farewell, you revolting old soak.

  [Owen storms out] 

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : That is one hell of a charming dude.

• [Hugo has just told his father that he is going out with Alice] 

  Geraldine : So what did he say?

  Hugo Horton : Well, I-I can't tell you what he *actually* said, because... because you're the vicar. But, erm... well, l-let's say a certain word is represented by another word th-th-that sounds a little like... that word. Like, erm... like... 'duck', for instance.

  [Geraldine frowns] 

  Hugo Horton : He asked me what the *duck* I was playing at. He said he didn't give a flying *duck* if I *ducking* loved Alice *Ducking* Tinker, and if I *ducking* kissed her again, he'd make sure that I was well and truly *ducked*.

  Geraldine : Ah... duck me.

  Hugo Horton : I don't know what to do. I... I love Alice with all my heart, but... I also love my Dad.

  Geraldine : Of course.

  [the doorbell rings] 

  Hugo Horton : Well, i-i-if that's Alice I'd better not see her. I have a big decision to make... and her radiant beauty and... subtle seductive charms may cloud my mind as I grope towards an answer that is both right and true.

  [Alice enters. On seeing Hugo, she playfully growls and makes scratching gestures] 

  Hugo Horton : Oh, dollocks!

• Geraldine : [Unloading bags of shopping from the boot of her car]  Oh, Owen. You wouldn't give me a hand with the shopping, would you?

  Owen Newitt : Hmm... what's in it for me?

  Geraldine : Erm... eternal salvation?

  Owen Newitt : Anything more, you know... *unnebulous*?

  Geraldine : Chocolate Hob Nob?

  Owen Newitt : [Enthusiastically]  Let's do it!

  [Takes the bags from her. Cut to the inside of the vicarage] 

  Geraldine : [Placing a box of shopping down on a table]  Oh thanks, Owen. Just bung those in the kitchen for me if you would.

  Owen Newitt : Righto.

  [Throws the bags into the kitchen from the hall] 

  Geraldine : [Sarcastically]  Yeah, thanks!

• Geraldine : Now, what did you want to see me about?

  Owen Newitt : I-I want to put an advert in the newsletter.

  Geraldine : Oh, hooray!

  Owen Newitt : I've got a 400 piece jigsaw for sale.

  Geraldine : Oh, good for you! We really need stuff.

  Owen Newitt : It was 550 pieces, but the dogs got to it.

  Geraldine : Right, and how much are you thinking of charging for it?

  Owen Newitt : I thought about 100 quid. They're £4.99 new, but mine's unique now so I think it's a bit of a collector's item.

  Geraldine : Yes indeed, and the next collection is on Thursday morning in a big truck!

  [laughs] 

  Geraldine : I'll just, er, type this out then.

  [Owen notices Alice and Hugo still kissing passionately] 

  Owen Newitt : What's this, then?

  Geraldine : Oh, that's Hugo and Alice. They've been at it for four and a half hours now. Provided quite a talking point in my Confirmation class, I can tell you.

• Geraldine : [Watching Hugo and Alice kissing]  Oh, lovely! Oh, well done, you two. That's excellent.

  [They carry on kissing, apparently oblivious to her words] 

  Geraldine : Actually, y-you can stop now Hugo, if you want. Hey, why should you stop? Nothing like a nice long kiss, is there? Other than an even longer kiss, obviously.

  [laughs] 

  Geraldine : Alice, you can... s-stop... no, look. OK, here's what's going to happen. Er, you carry on kissing, OK. I'm just going to get on with my work.

  [Sits down at her typewriter] 

  Geraldine : Right. Don't mind me at all. I'll just sit here... no. Look, I'm going to pop out.

  [Stands up] 

  Geraldine : Erm, I'll be back in a while.

• [Hugo and Alice finally break apart from their kiss] 

  Geraldine : Oh, they're back! Welcome home! How was it?

  Alice Tinker : Fantathtic.

  Geraldine : Right. In English, Hugo?

  [Hugo mumbles indistinctly] 

  Geraldine : Oh, they're speaking in tongues. Cup of tea?

  Alice Tinker : Oh. No thank you, Vicar. I used to love having tea with you, but now I've realised in comparison to some things it's a total and utter yawn making bore of bores. Come on, big boy!

  [She and Hugo leave, holding hands] 

• Reverend Geraldine Granger : We're at a bit of a loss for items for the church newsletter. The best we have is a piece about David's missing watch which is actually rather a mystery.

  Jim : [pulls a watch from his pocket]  Here, is this it?

  David Horton : Oh, yes, thank you.

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Great. Now our main story is "Hen lays rather large egg".

• Hugo Horton : Well, er... I, er... I'd better be going. Bye everyone.

  [Leaves without kissing Alice] 

  Alice Tinker : [Starting to cry]  Oh my God. I knew this was going to happen. He doesn't love me anymore. He's sucked out all my juice... and discarded me like an empty carton of Ribena!

  Geraldine : No, poppet - it's not like that at all. The truth is that he's... he's sprained his tongue. And the doctor says he's got to give it complete rest for a few days.

  Alice Tinker : Oh, that's alright then. I...

  Geraldine : Yes, so you keep away from him, Miss Lusty Lips!

  Alice Tinker : [Cheering up]  I'll try. Oh, let's have some tea!

• David Horton : Can you tell me, is Kylie Minogue married?

  Geraldine : Er... no, I think the beauteous midget is still unattached. Why? Thinking she's the right woman for you eh, David?

  [laughs] 

  David Horton : No, not me - Hugo. You see, I've drawn up a list of all the women he fancies. One of them is bound to want him. According to Debrett, he's the 108th most eligible bachelor in this country. Look, there he is. Just under Dale Winton.

  Geraldine : Ah, interesting place to be. Can I have a look at that list? Posh Spice, Kate Moss, Anne Widdec... Hugo fancies *Anne Widdecombe*?

  David Horton : Well, he liked the way she took on Michael Howard.

  Geraldine : You've even got *me* on this list!

• Owen Newitt : [On never having had a proper kiss]  Some folks' lives, they're full of love and softness. Other folks, they never get to know the sweet tenderness of human contact. The sun is out, the sky is blue; There's not a cloud to spoil the view; But it's raining, it's raining in my heart.

  Geraldine : [Feeling sorry for him]  Oh, go on then, you great big loser - give us a quick kiss!

  [Owen's eyes widen] 

  Owen Newitt : Really?

  Geraldine : [Regretting it already]  Yes, but no burping though, OK?

  Owen Newitt : OK.

  [Wipes his mouth on his sleeve, then holds his arms out wide] 

  Owen Newitt : Here goes.

  Geraldine : Alright.

  [Owen puts his arms round her and kisses her passionately, causing her to wobble on the arm of the sofa. They break apart and she gags] 

  Owen Newitt : Sizzle my sausage! Can I have another?

  [Tries to embrace her again] 

  Geraldine : [Pushing him off]  NO!

  [Feels inside her mouth and pulls something out] 

  Geraldine : Oh God! What's this?

  Owen Newitt : Oh great. I got that bit of pork stuck in my teeth last week - I thought I'd never get it out! Thanks for that. I'll see myself out.

  [Leaves with the bit of pork. Geraldine vigorously wipes her mouth and feels inside it again] 

  Geraldine : Oh no - he's got one of my fillings!

• Reverend Geraldine Granger : Don't tell me that Hugo hasn't even kissed you yet.

  Alice Tinker : I just don't think that he loves me.

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Oh, that's nonsense. It's just, you've got to give these things time, that's all. How long have you known him?

  Alice Tinker : Uh, 26 years.

• Alice Tinker : Will you be telling us when Jesus is coming?

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Sorry?

  Alice Tinker : Well. in last month's newsletter, you wrote about how Jesus is coming, but you didn't mention any dates. So, Mum wants to know when to get the house tidy.

• Geraldine : You're a good man, Owen, and I'm sure there's a very suitable woman out there somewhere. A nice insatiable woman with no sense of smell.

• Reverend Geraldine Granger : [about Owen]  His breath smells like nerve gas.