Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Balance of Power (1988)

Clare Grogan: Kochanski

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kochanski : [Lister is taking the chef's exam when a hologram of Kochanski walks in]  Hello, Dave.

  Lister : [as Lister stands there staring at her, the hot dish he's holding burns his hands and he drops it]  I'm just doing this, erm... I'm taking this, erm... I'm... this is a surprise.

  Kochanski : Dave, why didn't you just tell me how you felt about me when I was still alive?

  Lister : Because I'm a dope. And I'm a bum. And I'm stupid and I'm an idiot and I'm hopeless and I'm useless.

  Kochanski : I'm sorry but I just don't like you.

  Lister : Oh, eh. I'm really embarrassed now. I don't know what to say.

  Kochanski : I suppose it's sort of pointless you doing the exam now.

  Lister : Well, yeah, it's sort of pointless me breathing in and out if you want to know the truth.

  Kochanski : I could never love anyone like you. So you might as well pack up your pots and pans and... off you go. I need a man who's going places. Up, up, up the ziggurat. Lickety-split.

  Lister : [pauses, with a suspicious expression]  So, it didn't mean anything to you then?

  Kochanski : What didn't?

  Lister : You know, when we... made love on the snooker table behind the bins?

  Kochanski : You never told me that!

  Lister : I thought you might have noticed.

  Kochanski : Oh, yes, yes! I remember now!

  Lister : We've never made love. Go away, Rimmer.

  Kochanski : Look, look, I'm a bit out of sorts at the moment. I'm having a woman's period.

  Lister : A "woman's period"! Women don't speak like that! Give me a break! I don't know how you've done it, Rimmer, but that is not Kochanski.

  Kochanski : Its Kochanski's body, its Kochanski's voice... I mean, what's the difference? Come on!

  Lister : The difference is that you're in there! Ugh!

  Kochanski : Well, you can't blame me for trying.

  Lister : Leave!

  Kochanski : [takes a look under her shirt]  I've seen something you haven't, squire.

  [Lister rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Kochanski" does a Rimmer salute] 

  Kochanski : OK, Holly, swap discs.

  [Kochanski disappears and Rimmer appears in her place] 

  Rimmer : [noticing he now has a female breast under his shirt]  Uh, Holly, this is not my breast. I want my own nipple back, Holly.

  Lister : Leave, Rimmer!

  Rimmer : [fondling the breast]  There's no rush, Holly.