Home Improvement (TV Series)

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble (1991)

Tim Allen: Tim Taylor

Quotes 

• Tim Taylor : I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better.

  Wilson : Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women.

  [Tim grunts, perplexed] 

  Wilson : It's because we can't bear children.

  Tim Taylor : Ah, I don't mind the boys *that* much.

  Wilson : No no no, Tim; what I mean is, women can give birth, and we can't.

  Tim Taylor : And we sure lucked out on that part.

• Jill Taylor : I thought you said it was a technical problem.

  Tim Taylor : Technically, I was the problem.

• Jill Taylor : They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement...

  Jill Taylor : [suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath]  Oh, wow, wow, what's this?

  Tim Taylor : This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool.

  Jill Taylor : Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the color; it's perfect.

  Tim Taylor : Not to mention seven adjustable jets, three speeds - low, medium and "who needs a man?"

• Tim Taylor : I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, all right? Women, as we know them, are born without a face.

  Randy Taylor : Bull!

  Tim Taylor : Listen to me - women are like a Mr. Potato Head. You've heard your mom say every now and then, "Excuse me, fellas, I've gotta go upstairs and put my face on." She scurries up here, and draws one on with this stuff.

• Tim Taylor : What's to think about? We've always wanted this done; they'd pay for it - let me do this for you.

  Jill Taylor : Will Al be here?

  Tim Taylor : I don't see what that has to do with anything.

  Jill Taylor : Will Al be here?

  Tim Taylor : I want you to listen to me - Al is my assistant; he assists *me*.

  Jill Taylor : Yeah, I know; will he be here?

  Tim Taylor : ...Yes.

• Jill Taylor : It wasn't you that I was mad at; it was just the remodel.

  Tim Taylor : No, no... I can't give birth. It's a problem in my gut, with a visceral thing... It's really, really hard to explain.

  Jill Taylor : ...Don't try.

• [observing an eyelash curler] 

  Brad Taylor : What's this for?

  Tim Taylor : She pinches something with it, what is... Oh! This is for taking her eye out and cleaning behind it.

• Tim Taylor : [Preparing to talk to the camera]  In Five, Four... .

  [pauses abruptly] 

  Tim Taylor : Boy that sausage WAS spicy!

• Jill Taylor : Which one of these colors do you like?

  Tim Taylor : These are different colors?

  Jill Taylor : Apricot, Peach, Cantaloupe, Loquat, and Kumquat

  Tim Taylor : We'll put 'em all together, have a fruit salad in the bathroom.

• Randy Taylor : I think Mom's getting ready to scream again.

  Tim Taylor : Oh no, she saw the concrete spill in the hallway.

  Randy Taylor : No. We made Mark lie on top of it.

• Jill Taylor : [after Tim suggests that he remodels the bathroom]  Will Al be here?

  Tim Taylor : I don't see what that has to do with anything.

  Jill Taylor : [Sternly]  Will Al be here?

  Tim Taylor : I want you to listen to me. Al is my assistant, he assists me!

  Jill Taylor : Yeah, I know. Will he be here?

  Tim Taylor : [Hesitantly]  Yes.

  Jill Taylor : [Looking at the bathroom catalogue]  And I can have anything I want?

  Tim Taylor : Anything you want!

  Jill Taylor : What if I decided I just want you, right now?

  Tim Taylor : Well... it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!

• Jill Taylor : [Jill is sitting in her new hottub on the back lawn]  What are we waiting for? Let's get the guys to take it up to the bathroom.

  Tim Taylor : Well, darn it Jill, the guys and I have decided NOT to take it up to the bathroom.

  Jill Taylor : Well, how are you gonna get it up there?

  Tim Taylor : [Points to the upper floor]  See that spot up there? Picture if you will, looking out of your new whirlpool tub out of a brand new greenhouse window. All we gotta do is cut a little hole in the wall there.

  Jill Taylor : [Dryly]  A little "hole", about the size of this tub?

  Tim Taylor : Just a *little* bigger than the tub!

• Jill Taylor : How could you order a tub and have no way to get it into the house?

  Tim Taylor : [Gestures with his fingers]  Because in the catalogue they're only *this* big!

• Tim Taylor : [Pulling a hose from outside across the living room floor]  Wilson, I need more hose!

  Wilson : Don't we all, Tim!

• Brad Taylor : [Hangs up the phone after talking to a girl]  She wants to sit next to me on the bus.

  Tim Taylor : Life is good!

• Jill Taylor : Tim, the stove won't light. What did you do to it?

  Tim Taylor : Nothing.

  Felix Myman : Oh, that was us. We had to shut the gas off.

  Tim Taylor : Why?

  Felix Myman : Well Tim, when you broke open that water main, we were afraid that you hit the gas line too, so we shut them both off to be safe.

  Jill Taylor : Should we worry?

  Felix Myman : Oh no no... it's not like you're gonna get blown up or somethin'!

• Tim Taylor : Do you remember when we got married, I promised to make you a very happy woman?

  Jill Taylor : Yeah... I'm still waiting!

• Al Borland : [Tim is preparing to knock a hole in the wall with a large sledge hammer]  Tim, I think you might want to use this sabre saw to cut out that piece of wall.

  Tim Taylor : That might make a cleaner and more efficient cut Al, but what would be the fun in that? Part of the fun of home remodeling is taking out some aggression. There's no better way to do that than using a TWENTY POUND SLEDGE!

• Tim Taylor : [Tim is in the backyard with the whirlpool bath. Felix comes out the door from inside with a tape measure]  Well there's Felix right now.

  Felix Myman : Hey Tim. We can't get the whirlpool up the stairs. Somebody measured it wrong.

  Tim Taylor : I was the one that--

  [Realises that he's being recorded] 

  Tim Taylor : Hey, turn that-- Get that off!

  [Tim pushes the cameraman away and the screen becomes static] 

• Tim Taylor : [On the phone with the company that supplies the greenhouse window]  Just tell me where the window is.

  [pause] 

  Tim Taylor : Backordered? How many idiots order a greenhouse window in the middle of November?

  [pause] 

  Tim Taylor : Whaddaya mean, you guess one more? I need that window here TODAY! I live with a very dangerous woman!

• Al Borland : As you can see, we've taken out our old vanity and sink, and we'll be replacing it with a new double-sink model.

  Tim Taylor : That's right Al.

  [Tim picks up a tile] 

  Tim Taylor : We'll be covering that sink and backsplash with this lovely pinkish sort of tile.

  Al Borland : I believe that shade is called Kumquat. It's ephemeral yet graceful.

  Tim Taylor : Just like you Al.