Quotes
Leonardo Is Caught in the Grip of an Outbreak of Randal's Imagination and Patrick Swayze Either Does or Doesn't Work in the New Pet Store
Clerks
- Big Mac: Hello good people of Leonardo. I, like the mayor, was on my way to a costume, but incidentally, not the same costume party. I am able to remove my costume but I have decided to wear it as protection against the deadly virus. Are there any questions?
- Tovah Hernandaz-Carlson: Who are you supposed to be?
- Big Mac: I'm Big Mac. Beloved constable and best friend to Ronald McDonald. Now are there any questions about the virus?
- Steve-Dave: Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice?
- Big Mac: No... Yes. Look, does anybody have any questions about the virus that could kill us all?
- Reporter: Can the virus kill the Grimace?
- Big Mac: Nothing can kill the Grimace. All right, we're done here.
- Randal Graves: And the lightsaber, you turn it on and it goes yea-high. How does it know when to stop?
- Dante Hicks: The Force?
- Randal Graves: Man, that's your answer for everything.
- Dante Hicks: Wow. A new pet store. Wanna go check out the monkey?
- Randal Graves: I guess we should, if we're gonna kill it.
- Dante Hicks: What? Kill a monkey? Are you mad?
- Randal Graves: Man, didn't you see Outbreak? One monkey almost wiped out an entire town and Kevin Spacey with the deadly Motaba virus.
- Dante Hicks: Um, that was a movie. This is real life.
- Randal Graves: You said the same thing about Jaws when we were kids.
- Dante Hicks: Because you refused to sit on the toilet!
- Randal Graves: Sharks swim in water. There's water in the toilet. I rest my case.
- Dante Hicks: Sharks only swim in salt water.
- Randal Graves: I have salt water in my toilet.
- Dante Hicks: You're so naïve.
- [Randal has a box of rotten burritos]
- Leonardo Leonardo: What the devil are those?
- Randal Graves: Descreeto Burritos.
- Leonardo Leonardo: Why are they steaming and reeking?
- Randal Graves: They're the expensive kind.
- Leonardo Leonardo: I must have them.
- Mr. Plug: What can we do? I'm willing to donate any of my parts and services to help.
- Randal Graves: What are you; some kind of robot?
- Mr. Plug: No, that's just an expression. New program: kill the human Randal.
- Randal Graves: Hey!
- Mr. Plug: That's just an expression too. A robot expression.
- Randal Graves: Check it out, patient zero.
- Randal Graves: [while looking at the monkey] As God is my witness, monkey, you are not going to infect this town with your deadly virus.
- Randal Graves: Look how scared he is. He's shaking.
- Dante Hicks: No. He's masturbating.
- Randal Graves: Yeah, but it's out of fear.
- Major Baklava: We will need to take a sexual history from both of you. And here to take your sexual his is two giggling girls.
- Giggling Girl: Okay, when was the last time you had sex?
- Dante Hicks: About a year ago.
- Giggling Girl: A year?
- [They laugh at Dante]
- Dante Hicks: This stinks.
- Randal Graves: Shut up. Maybe we can have sex with them.
- [the girls gasp]
- Dante Hicks: [while waking up under a pile of clothes] Hello? Ha! You can't tell me to go to work beacuse I'm already at work.
- Jay: [the monkey is on Jay] Take your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape. That's from Planet of the Apes, Snoogans.
- [Randal imagines a brain cartoon calculation of the monkey + the rotten burrito + a sick Leonardo - the rotten burrito = with a blank where Dustin Hoffman's head would be]
- Narrator: Due to the recent lawsuit over the unauthorized use of Dustin Hoffman's likeness, the part of Dustin Hoffman in Randal's brain cartoon calculation will be played by Al Pacino!
- Randal Graves: It's happening, just like in that...
- Narrator: [speaking over Randal] Al Pacino
- Randal Graves: movie.
- Dante Hicks: No, I know there's no virus because you think there is. Name me one time you've been right about ANYTHING.
- Randall Graves: What about that time I said, "There's two jobs open down at the Block of Stores? Excellent pay, great opportunities for advancement, we'll do it for six months then move on."
- [Realizes]
- Randall Graves: Oh my God. You're right. I'm always wrong.
- Dante's Father: You give those mole people hell, son.
- [Dante has just saved the town by claiming to be gay]
- Major Baklava: Way to go, you beautiful gay bastard.
- Dante Hicks: Look, there is no virus. You're all just victims of the over-active imagination of a pop-culture junkie loudmouth.
- Major Baklava: Quentin Tarantino?
- Dante Hicks: There never was a Motaba virus. It was just a hoax played by an idiot with too much time on his hands.
- Bomber Pilot: Quentin Tarantino?
- [Randal has not disposed of a box of rotten burritos]
- Dante Hicks: Could you please get them out of here? They're stinking up the place.
- Randal Graves: I just hope no one ever says that about your parents.
- Pet Store Manager: Swayze, get back to work. I'm not paying you to gab with the customers.
- [the monkey is jumping around]
- Dante Hicks: What's he doing?
- Jay: Nicotine fit.
- [Silent Bob acts like a monkey]
- Randal Graves: Well what's he doing?
- Jay: Nicotine fit.