- Jessica: Is this chicken what I have or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea.
- [discussing the new sheets Jessica bought]
- Nick: How much were they?
- Jessica: Huh?
- Nick: How much? How much?
- Jessica: $1400.
- Nick: Jessica Simpson!
- Jessica: What?
- [giggles]
- Jessica: Don't be mad. Oh, Nick, come on.
- Nick: $1400 for sheets?
- Jessica: Well, you sleep on 'em every night.
- Nick: I sleep on the ones we got now every night. I don't have a problem.
- Jessica: Well, I don't like them. I don't sleep good.
- Nick: Holy crap. I better have a wet dream when I sleep on those sheets.
- Jessica: Whatever, I think they're sluts.
- Nick: [to the waiter] Excuse me, sir, can I just get your opinion on this? Do you think the girls who work at Hooters are sluts?
- Waiter: I really don't have one opinion one way or the other.
- Nick: [Nick looks perplexed.] Well, would you ever date one?
- Waiter: No, I'm gay.
- Jessica: I could feel your teeth.
- Nick: They're not my teeth, actually.
- Jessica: Oh, I forgot. They're "ventures". No, that's dentures.
- Nick: Ventures?
- Jessica: What are they called?
- [Nick laughs]
- Jessica: Veneers.
- [Nick laughs]
- Jessica: I thought "dentures" and I thought "veneers". And then I came up with "ventures".
- Nick: Yeah. "Think" is the key word.
- Nick: What do you mean we're going to be in Atlantic City on our anniversary.
- Jessica: My dad didn't know it was our anniversary and he scheduled me to perform.
- Nick: Are you kidding me?
- Jessica: I wish. He doesn't know when our anniversary is.
- Nick: Oh, bulls**t he doesn't know when our anniversary is. He was at the wedding.
- Jessica: I'm complaining about the money to get a designer. That is all I'm complaining about. And I will just hire you. That's fine.
- Nick: Well how am I getting paid if you are hiring me?
- Jessica: In the bed.
- Nick: Well I want a raise. With extra benefits.
- Jessica: What are those?
- Nick: You know what I'm talking about.
- [saying why she is not going to eat the fast food]
- Jessica: I have a hard booger in my nose, and it makes it - I think it's going to make it bleed.
- Jessica: [talking to Nick] Lea had dinner on the table and I had dinner in grocery sacks. I'm sorry.
- Drew: [hanging up albums with Nick] Do you want gold or platinum?
- Nick: Platinum... give me the good stuff.
- [Nick is trying to discuss his plans to decorate the house]
- Jessica: You're such a girl. Why do you care? I'm going to do it.
- Joe Simpson: Jessica has waited to sing about or have sex until she's married. And now she's married and now and I think we're celebrating the fact that she can do it until she's blue in the face and she can sing about it too.