Arrested Development (2003–2019)

Jessica Walter: Lucille Bluth

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Quotes 

• Michael : Tell me the truth. There's been a lot of lying in this family

  Lucille : And a lot of love.

  Michael : More lies.

• Gob : [talking about his new boat]  The Seaward.

  Michael : You're not getting a boat.

  Gob : [doing rock, paper, scissors]  One, two, three.

  Michael : You're not gonna do it...

  [does rock] 

  Michael : .

  Gob : Paper covers rock.

  Michael : Fine, but rock sinks boat.

  Lucille : [entering room]  Michael.

  Michael : Just a minute mom.

  [to GOB] 

  Michael : . Get rid of the Seaward.

  Lucille : I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

• Waitress : Plate or platter?

  Lucille : I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

• Michael Bluth : [calling from prison, taking about his brother, Gob]  I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it.

  Lucille : You would do that to your brother?

  Michael Bluth : I said "cot".

• Lucille : You tricked me.

  Michael : I *deceived* you. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

• Lucille : If you're suggesting I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all of my children equally.

  Lucille : [earlier that day]  I don't care for Gob.

• Lindsay Funke : Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.

  Lucille : Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.

  [server sets a dessert of Bananas Foster on fire] 

  Lucille : You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.

  Lindsay Funke : That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say "You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."

  Lucille : Mine was better.

• Narrator : For the first time, Lucille prays...

  Lucille : [Praying]  Take something else from us. Do whatever you have to to keep my boy from going to war.

  Narrator : And Buster is on his way when he decides to pursue a long-delayed rite of passage...

  [Buster swims in the ocean] 

  Person : Loose seal. Watch out for loose seal.

  Buster : [Thinking he means Lucille]  I don't care about Lucille. She lies.

  Narrator : ...and then a seal bites off his hand.

  Lucille : Amen.

• Lucille : You idiots. If your father sees me here with Wayne...

  Michael : ...we'll be stuck with Barry.

  Wayne Jarvis : I shall hide behind that garbage car.

  [and does just that] 

  Michael : Guy's a pro.

• Lucille : What's a Forget-Me-Now?

  Gob : They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.

  Tobias Fünke : Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie.

  Lucille : Those are illegal.

  Gob : Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.

• Buster : Mom is becoming a little controlling.

  Michael : What tipped you off? When she locked you out on the balcony again?

  Buster : That was half my fault. I thought I saw a Graham Cracker out there.

  Michael : You baited the balcony?

  Lucille Bluth : Prove it.

• [repeated lines] 

  Lucille : You're high.

  Oscar : You're drunk.

• Lucille : The company is in danger.

  Michael : What tipped you off? The falling profit margins or the fact that we're a regular feature on Bill O'Reilly's most ridiculous item of the day?

• Buster : Why should I have to sit and cheer Annyong? Annyong never cheers me.

  Annyong : Go Fatty.

  [Buster lunges at him and they fight] 

  Lucille : Stop it. He's your little brother.

  Buster : No he isn't. I came out of you, he didn't.

• Lucille : [after Michael and GOB switch coolers containing evidence and Kitty gets a hold of them]  THERE WERE 250 CCs OF YOUR FATHER'S SEMEN IN THE COOLER IN THE BANANA STAND.

  Michael : No touching.

• Lucille : [after beating Kitty at a drinking contest]  I've got to get back to rehab.

  Man at Bar : [in background]  SHE'S IN REHAB.

  [people cheer] 

• General Garvey : [Lucille is trying to get Buster out of combat by visiting the General, an old boyfriend of hers from her USO days]  I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.

  Lucille : Is there anything *I* can do?

  General Garvey : Well, maybe if you go?

  [leans back in his chair] 

  General Garvey : ?downtown.

  Lucille : [grins]  Oh, I haven't done that in thirty years.

  [pauses, then sings] 

  Lucille : When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go downtown.

• Lucille : [shrieking at a waiter]  Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched I'd eat the inside of your ear.

• Lucille : I bought it using the new unfrozen stock as soon as I received the memo.

  Michael Bluth : You mean, the memo that specifically told you not to sell?

  Lucille : Did it say that? I stopped after "unfrozen."

• [Buster has shown up at his father's hearing with a mariachi band] 

  Lucille : Oh, for God's sake. He's out of the house for two days and he joins a gang.

• Lucille : Michael Moore confronted me on national television.

  Michael : First of all, that was not Michael Moore. That was a Michael Moore look-alike. And second it wasn't national television. It was for a bit, on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

  Lucille : I don't know what that is nor do I care to find out.

• Oscar : [Oscar grabs onto the dashboard]  The car.

  George Sr. : Up yours Granny.

  Lucille : You couldn't handle it.

• Narrator : And back at the penthouse, Lucille was praying for the second time in her life.

  Lucille : Lord, let Buster forget everything. And if you need to take another hand to make that happen, please make it G.O.B.'s.

• Lucille : Oh, George, I should have never doubted you. Even when you slept with my sister it was for a good reason.

  George Sr. : Got her to stop drinking, didn't it?

• Michael : [At Police Station, on phone to Lucille]  They're keeping me over night while I wait for my arraignment. I'd appreciate it if you could tell my son that I'm on a business trip.

  Lucille : Why can't the girl at work do it?

  Michael : Tobias? I sent him on a date with Kitty to keep her off our backs.

  Lucille : Well, you better hope Lindsay doesn't find out. She'll be devastated.

  Lindsay Funke : [Enters room]  Find out what?

  Lucille : Your husband's dating Kitty, the whore.

  Lindsay Funke : He is? That's horrible.

  [Exits] 

  Lucille : [to Michael]  Do I know my daughter?

• [after Lucille gives Maeby a jeweled elephant brooch that Lindsay was supposed to inherit] 

  Lindsay Funke : That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair. I'm the one who cleared my throat and pointed to the laundry room. Ma. You know I wanted that.

  Lucille Bluth : I know. But it's an elephant and I didn't want to invite the comparison.

• Lucille Bluth : Did that Mexican girlfriend of yours kick you out?

  Gob : She's not "*that* Mexican," Mom, she's "*my* Mexican." And she's Colombian or something.

• [re:Carl Weathers] 

  Lucille : Guess who's coming to dinner?

• Lucille Bluth : I'm going to Annyong's soccer awards ceremony, and...

  Annyong : Annyong.

  [everyone glares at Annyong] 

  Lucille Bluth : ...and I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.

  Gob : Yeah, I think that they're gonna know that Annyong's not...

  Annyong : Annyong.

  Gob : [screaming]  ... would somebody *please* tell this insufferable child to... GOD.

• Michael Bluth : Why are you squeezing me with your body?

  Lucille Bluth : It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you.

• Lucille : I don't want to leave Buster alone with all the J-U-I-C-E.

  Buster : I can spell, Mother; you spelled juice.

  Lucille : What a genius. Let's see you find it.

• Barry Zuckerkorn : It would help if you all showed up, looking like a loving, supportive family.

  Lucille : For how long?

  Barry Zuckerkorn : Ten minutes tops.

  Lucille : See if you can get it down to five.

• Michael : G. O. B., you've found a woman who believes in you. You should make a commitment to her because life is short. Listen to me. I would give anything to be able to have that again, you know? A family. Nothing else matters.

  Lucille : Michael?

  Michael : It's Mom. Hide.

  Gob : You brought up money earlier. I actually would like to borrow some.

  Michael : No.

  Lucille : Michael?

  Gob : He's in here, Mom.

  Michael : Come on.

• Lucille Bluth : I'll be in the hospital bar.

  Michael Bluth : Uhh, you know, there isn't a hospital bar, mother.

  Lucille Bluth : Well, this is why people hate hospitals.

• Lindsay Funke : Barry, did you talk to a doctor?

  Barry Zuckerkorn : I did. I have poison oak. Do you believe it? How the hell did I get that?

  [Cut to a shot of a rest area] 

  Lucille Bluth : She was talking about George.

  Barry Zuckerkorn : Oh, he's the same. Look, I guess we should decide on who's going to speak for the family. I would, but I have Laker tickets.

  [Cut to a shot of the rest area] 

• Lucille Bluth : Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That's Lupe, her sister.

  Michael Bluth : I hope she's okay...

  Lucille Bluth : She's awful. Can barely wash a dish.

  [Lucille sees Lupe cleaning the inside of the fireplace] 

  Lucille Bluth : Uh oh. She better not walk through here after she's been in there.

  [to Lupe] 

  Lucille Bluth : Tell me you've got an exit strategy.

  Michael Bluth : [chiding her]  Mother...

  Lucille Bluth : Oh, please. They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends.

• Lucille : I heard about the banana stand and now there's been a break-in. But I have a surprise for whoever it is if he comes back.

  [holds up an air horn and a fire poker] 

  Lucille : First I blow him, then I poke him.

  Michael : Guy has no idea what he's in for.

• Lucille : Buster. Thank God you're back. There's no shame in being a coward.

  Buster : A coward? I'm not a coward. Would I coward have THIS?

  [holds out a stuffed seal] 

  Lucille : What the hell is that?

  Buster : These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship and the gorilla is for sand racing.

• Lucille : [upon discovering Lupe in bed with Buster] 

  [to Lupe] 

  Lucille : And yet you're too busy to polish the candlesticks? You're fired.

  Buster : You can't fire me, I'm your son. I'm firing you.

  Lucille : I was firing Lupe.

  Buster : O-oh, that makes more sense.

• Lucille : She's trying to prove that she's closer to my children than I am, but the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for GOB.

  Michael : I think that makes the joke on GOB.

• Lucille : Start the bidding at $10,000. If the bidding increases, shout out something like "I get her 364 days a year for free.".

  Michael : I'm not going to say that.

• Lucille : You're HIGH!

  Oscar : You're DRUNK!

• Oscar : [Oscar grabs onto the dashboard]  The car.

  George Sr. : [Passing by George Sr]  Up yours Granny.

  Lucille : You couldn't handle it.

• [after being declined entrance in to a high end restaurant] 

  Lindsay Funke : Let's just go, I've suddenly lost my appetite.

  Lucille Bluth : Oh, who's gonna believe that?

• Lucille : [talking to the press about her husband]  The media has him out to be some sort of mastermind, which believe me he's not. The man can barely work our shredder.

• [Lindsay walks into the Ten Commandments and breaks her shoe] 

  Lucille : They're just heels, honey. They can only support so much weight.

• Lucille Bluth : You'd think a man locked up in prison would able to abstain. Your father with his disgusting tweaking. I couldn't breast feed any of you kids because of that man.

  [Everyone cringes] 

  Barry Zuckerkorn : They still look fabulous.

• Lucille : Oscar says that this walk, "Recharges his chi." I call it, "An excuse for him to score more pot and wave his ass at the co-eds".