- Warren Schmidt: Relatively soon, I will die. Maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never existed. What difference has my life made to anyone. None that I can think of. None at all.
- Warren Schmidt: I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?
- Warren Schmidt: Well Ndugu, I'll close now. You probably can't wait to run and cash this check and get yourself something to eat.
- [Warren is on top of the motor home under a starry night]
- Warren Schmidt: Helen, what did you really think of me, deep in your heart? Was I really the man you wanted to be with? Was I? Or were you disappointed and too nice to show it? I forgive you for Ray. I forgive you. That was a long time ago, and I know I wasn't always the king of kings. I let you down. I'm sorry, Helen. Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me?
- [a shooting star passes by]
- Roberta Hertzel: You already know how famously they get along as friends, but did you know that their sex life is positively white hot? The main reason both of my marriages failed was sexual. I'm an extremely sexual person, I can't help it, it just how I'm wired, you know, even when I was a little girl. I had my first orgasm when I was 6 in ballet class. Anyway, the point is that I have been always very easily aroused and very orgasmic, Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. Clifford and Larry, they were nice guys, but they just could not keep up with me. Anyway, I don't want to betray Jeannie's confidence, but let me just assure you that whatever problems those two kids may run into along the way, they will always be able to count on what happens between the sheets to keep them together. More soup?
- Warren Schmidt: Eh... no, I think I'm fine now.
- Warren Schmidt: Say uh, Randall...? How'd that investment situation work out for you? You never called me.
- Larry Hertzel: Um... don't bring that up.
- Duncan Hertzel: You mean that pyramid scheme?
- Randall Hertzel: No it wasn't!
- Duncan Hertzel: All I know is I lost 800 bucks.
- Randall Hertzel: Well, if you'd stuck with it a little longer you'd have seen results. You bailed out too soon.
- Roberta Hertzel: Can we change the subject please?
- Roberta Hertzel: People used to think it was strange 'cause I breast-fed him 'til he was almost five, but I say - hunh, just look at the results!
- Larry Hertzel: All I was doing was welcoming somebody into the family.
- Roberta Hertzel: Larry, we've been welcomed by you, thank you so much, now would you please just drink your fucking milk and shut the fuck up.
- Warren Schmidt: [On top of Winnebago at night talking to his dead wife] Helen, what did you really think of me deep in your heart? Was I really the man you wanted to be with? Was I? Or were you disappointed but too nice to show it?
- Warren Schmidt: You're making a big mistake, don't marry this guy, don't do it.
- Jeannie Schmidt: What are you talking about?
- Warren Schmidt: The other night I had a dream and it was very real. Your mother was there and you were there and your aunt Estelle. And there was a... well, it wasn't really a spaceship, it was more like a blimp or an orb of some kind. And then a bunch of weird creatures came out and started trying to take you away, and you wanna know what? They all looked like Randall. Do you understand? And I was jumping up and down to save you.
- Jeannie Schmidt: All of a sudden you're taking an interest in what I do? You have an opinion about my life *now*? Okay, you listen to me. I am getting married the day after tomorrow and you are going to come to my wedding and you are going to sit there and enjoy it and support me or else you can just turn right around right now and go back to Omaha.
- Warren Schmidt: I am *begging* you not to marry Randall. This guy is not up to snuff. He's not in your league. I can't let this happen, I will not allow it. I mean, look at these people!
- Jeannie Schmidt: All of a sudden you're taking an interest in what I do? You have an opinion about my life, now?
- Sister Nadine Gautier: [last lines]
- Sister Nadine Gautier: [voiceover, via letter] Dear Mr. Warren Schmidt, my name is Sister Nadine Gautier of the Oder of the Sacred Heart. I am working in a small village near the town of Mbeya in Tanzania. One of the children I care for is little Ndugu Umbo, the boy you sponsor. Ndugu is a very intelligent boy and very loving. Recently, he needed medical attention for an infected eye, but he is better now. He loves to eat melon, and he loves to paint. Ndugu and I want you to know that he receive all of your letters. He hopes that you are happy in your life and healthy. He thinks of you everyday and he wants very much your happiness. He is only six years old and cannot read or write, but he has made for you a painting. He hopes that you will like this painting. Yours sincerely, Sister Nadine Gautier.
- Warren Schmidt: I'd like a blizzard with vanilla ice cream.
- Dairy Queen Employee: Ok. What would you like on it?
- Warren Schmidt: Uhh... I'll have the Reese's Pieces... and some cookie dough.
- Dairy Queen Employee: And what size?
- Warren Schmidt: ...medium.