Robin Williams: An Evening at the Met (1986 TV Special)

Robin Williams: Self

Quotes 

• Robin Williams : Then comes a very special time. Your first test as a father: a diaper. You're ready. You may have been a lumberjack, you may have been a Marine, you may have seen blood and guts... but you've never seen caca like this. It's incredible stuff: part toxic waste, part Velcro. The first time you peel back that diaper, "Honey I got it, now..."

  [Turns back to the diaper and freezes, stunned] 

  Robin Williams : "This shit is green! This is incredible! What did you feed him, algae? My God! Damn! Oh, no! He sucks on mother's milk! What does it do, go to Cleveland before it gets to his asshole? What is this?" And you're trying to wipe it off? HAHAHA! You can't. You only got a moist towelette! NO GOOD THAT IS! It's like handling radioactive waste with an oven mitt - NO GOOD!

• Robin Williams : You try and do special things for your kid. I thought, "I'll take him to Disneyland. That'll be fun." Mickey Mouse for three-year-old, great! Mickey Mouse for a three-year-old, that'll be fantastic!

  [matter-of-factly] 

  Robin Williams : Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot fucking rat!

• Robin Williams : Thank you. HOW... DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!

• Robin Williams : Here's a little warning sign if you have a cocaine problem: Number 1, if you come home to your house and there is no furniture and your cat's going, "I'm out of here, prick," WARNING! Number 2, if you have this dream, where you're doing cocaine in your sleep, and you can't fall asleep and doing cocaine in your sleep and can't fall asleep AND YOU WAKE UP and doing cocaine - BINGO! Number 3, if on your tax forms, it says "50,000 dollars for snacks," MAY DAY!

• Robin Williams : Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight you can tell what religion they are.

• Robin Williams : You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!

• Robin Williams : [as he drinks from a glass]  A little sip of Perrier here. I had to stop drinking alcohol, because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass. Not a good thing.

  [as a bystander] 

  Robin Williams : Hi, can I help ya?

  [as himself, drunk, turning an imaginary key in his rear] 

  Robin Williams : No, thanks. It's just flooded. I'll be okay.

• Robin Williams : There was once a documentary. They asked a Peruvian Indian chief, they said, "Chief, what's cocaine?" He looked right in the camera and said, "Cocaine? That's our gift to the white man for what you did to us. You take our land, we give you monkey for your back."

• Robin Williams : Then there are your friends that smoke marijuana going, "Man, alcohol's a crutch." Really? Really, Captain Herbal Life? You just macramed your ass into the couch and you're giving me shit?

• Robin Williams : These are people so stoned they can be eating kitty litter and go, "Wow, this is really crunchy, man." These are the same people who get their pets stoned just to make themselves feel better. This is not a good idea! It's not bad enough you wanted to prove that Darwin was wrong, you want to take the whole family with you! Your dog is not that high up on the food chain to begin with. He barely just learned to lick his own genitals, leave him alone!

• Robin Williams : It's in the Constitution - you have the right to bear arms or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

• Robin Williams : There's also something called freebasing. It's not free, it costs you a house! It should be called "homebasing"!

• Robin Williams : You know, in England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. So if you commit a crime: "Stop! Or... Or I'll say stop again!"

• Robin Williams : All these beer commercials usually show big men, manly men doing manly things! "You've just killed a small animal, it's time for a light beer!" Why not have a realistic beer commercial? That's the realistic thing about beer, where you go, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster, it's Miller time!"

• Robin Williams : Some people who have, you know, "I don't know whether to have the red wine with the fish or the chicken." What's it matter, asshole? They're dead! The chicken's not gonna reach up from the plate and go, "The red wine!"

• Robin Williams : There you are, lying in bed, and you feel like the scene from the movie "The Fly" going, "HELP ME! HEEEELP MEEEEE!" The entire room is spinning like a roulette wheel: "Place your bets! Place your bets!" And there's the old toilet in the corner going, "Talk to me!" And you try and walk slowly, but you feel like the Elephant Man in a car wash. There's things in front of you like the stuff that scares the water off cars. You can't do it, and even your dog's looking at you, like, "You wouldn't believe the shit you fed to me last night. I had to back out of the room, I was that scared! You promised me an evening with Lassie, you lying bastard!"

• Robin Williams : This would be a place for Stallone to do "Hamlet": "To be or what?"

• Robin Williams : My son is three years old. It's an amazing time. It's like, big head, little tiny body. It's an outrageous time when they ask you about everything. It's like...

  [high-pitched voice like a child] 

  Robin Williams : "Why is the sky blue?"

  [normal voice] 

  Robin Williams : "Well, because of the atmosphere."

  [high-pitched] 

  Robin Williams : "Why is there atmosphere?"

  [normal] 

  Robin Williams : "Well, because we need to breathe."

  [high-pitched] 

  Robin Williams : "Why do we breathe?"

  [agitated] 

  Robin Williams : "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANNA KNOW? A YEAR AGO, YOU WERE SITTING IN YOUR OWN SHIT! NOW YOU'RE CARL SAGAN? WHAT IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU? ARE YOU BUDDHA? ASK MOMMY, SHE'S OMNIPOTENT, SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING!"

• Robin Williams : Isn't it strange to think that if you commit sodomy in Georgia, they're gonna put you in a cell with another man who's gonna sodomize you? Whoa!

• Robin Williams : [about why there should be a woman president]  There would never be any war, just every 28 days, some intense negotiations!

• Robin Williams : Now, football players, you can understand doing a little medication once in a while, 'cause in football, you're playing a game against people who are six foot eight, weigh 250 pounds, and coming at you at 80 miles an hour.

• Robin Williams : Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, "Yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game! Come on, Jack! I'm standing out in left field for seven innings, and there's a long white line going down to home plate! I see the guy putting it out going, 'Heh-heh-heh-heh!' And that damn organ music, too!

  [hums the "charge" intro] 

  Robin Williams : Doot-doo-doo-doo, doot-doo-doo-doo! Third base coach is always doing this...

  [wiping nose, fidgeting around] 

  Robin Williams : When he's doing that, I don't know whether to slide or do a line, you know what I'm saying? People sliding into home plate head first, umpire goes, 'You're out!' No, baby, I'm up now! Ha ha ha!"

• Robin Williams : [On his wife about to give birth]  You get her into the delivery room, which is a very subtle place. Bullshit! It's Earl Shieb's living room! Bright, bright lights! She's screaming like crazy! You're like, "Let's breathe, honey."

  [Does Lamaze breathing] 

  Robin Williams : "Let's breathe."

  [Does it again] 

  Robin Williams : Because, you have this myth that you're sharing the birth experience.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Nope, I don't think so. Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're circumsizing yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so! Unless you're opening up an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so! You're not doing diddly-squat! You're along for the ride! HAHAHA! And you're there breathing and hyperventilating, and she's like, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WHY DON'T YOU KNOCK ME OUT, YOU ASSHOLE?" And usually there's an anesthesiologist over in the corner going,

  [Breathes into the mask, then mellow high voice] 

  Robin Williams : "You need anything, man?"

  [Imitating her doing so and fighting with the anesthesiologist over the mask] 

  Robin Williams : She sees him, and she wheels her ass over there, "GIMME THAT YOU DUMB STONED PRICK!"

  [He then imitates her breathing into the mask and calming down, now mellow] 

  Robin Williams : I'll get it out.

  [laughs] 

  Robin Williams : Oh, and after ten, fifteen hours of sheer bliss... you're rewarded with a baby.

  [laughs] 

  Robin Williams : But bullshit, it's not a baby, it's a little old man dipped in Forty Weight. Don't you see? It's like Gandhi and Churchill had a child, you know what I'm saying?

• Robin Williams : [about football]  You're playing a game against a man called "The Refrigerator". He is not a refrigerator, he's a goddamn house with legs!

• Robin Williams : Women know the moment they get pregnant, because there's like a ping, and they start to blow, and you expect to see three wise men show up at your door and go, "Saw a star, dude?"

• Robin Williams : That whole thing in Africa pisses me off. Everyone's sending food to Africa. Let's send some cocktails, let's make it a party, goddamn!

• Robin Williams : [taking a sip of Perrier]  The first purpose of alcohol is to make English your second goddamn language. Eventually, you may be quite fluent; you may be a Nobel physicist! After nine, maybe ten Heinekens you're going...

  [speaks slurred gibberish briefly] 

  Robin Williams : You're speaking fluent Drunkenese, bravo!

• Robin Williams : My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going, "Two Jews walk into a bar..."

• Robin Williams : You don't need drugs when you have a kid. You're awake, you're paranoid, you smell bad - IT'S THE SAME THING!

• Robin Williams : [about kids]  That's it! You've got to work with them! They've got you! They're gonna do to you exactly what you do to your parents. They're gonna come up to you and do the same thing. I know my son's gonna do it to me. Sixteen years from now, he's gonna walk right up to me, look me right in the eye, and go, "God, Dad, you're fucked." My father will be standing right behind him, going, "Yes!"

  [laughs] 

  Robin Williams : "YES! REVENGE IS MINE!"

• Robin Williams : [about people trying to get their pets stoned]  Don't mess with your cat, 'cause he's looking at you, like, "Give it your best shot, man! I've been doing catnip since the day I was goddamn born!" You blow in his face...

  [hisses like a cat] 

  Robin Williams : All of a sudden, he's Ram-Kitty!

• Robin Williams : [on being stoned]  The next thing is, you start to get hungry. You think you can leave the house, you liar! You think, "I'm gonna be fine, man. I gotta leave the house, I'll be okay!" If you can just find your feet, yeah, you'll be okay! Then you think you can drive. You think, "Yeah, I'll be okay! I'll drive! I'll drive, I'll be okay!" And you have one of those new Japanese cars where you open the door and it goes, "Your door is open." And if you're stoned, you're going, "I knew that."

• Robin Williams : Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad, you know what I'm saying?

• Robin Williams : I realized, when I became a reformed alcoholic, I said, "Hey, I'm the same asshole, I just have fewer dents in my car."

• Robin Williams : Now that you have a child, you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, "Hey, here's a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on *you*!" You can't get stoned, 'cause they have toys that'll mess your head up. If you're stoned with a Transformer - it's a truck, it's a robot, it's a... WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

• Robin Williams : The whole country's intense! You want to know why the police are intense? Because *we're* intense! We're armed and *they're* armed! Yay!

• Robin Williams : A summit is a strange thing where they talk about nuclear arms. It's a strange thing! It's like two lepers hand-wrestling, you know what I'm saying? Every time you push something wrong, boom, it falls apart! They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament. This is also like talking about partial circumcision - a strange thing! You either go all the way or fucking forget it, you know what I'm saying? And they go to Geneva, where you sit down, you buy some chocolate, have a few watches, and then, "Hey, fuck it, we can't do anything, I'm out of here, okay."

• Robin Williams : We're Americans, we're a civil people, but if you piss us off, we'll bomb your cities. Think about that! Just ask the Japanese, they'll go, "What? We bomb one harbor, and next thing you know, you nuke our town! But the nice thing is, you build us back up, you buy our products. Nice people!"

• Robin Williams : [about drinking wine]  I'm not talking about Pouilly-Fuissé or Pussy Fussy. Uh-uh! I'm talking about Mad Dog 20/20. You know, the very elegant wine, the type of wine with a lovely screw top, a bottle of which after you can actually see vapor trails as people pass you.

• Robin Williams : The whole thing, and at the top of the heap, there's Ronald Reagan with a look in his eyes like they're going to put swinging doors in the Congress, so it's gonna be...

  [makes a swinging door motion with sounds; then as Reagan] 

  Robin Williams : "I'm back, and I'm pissed off."

• Robin Williams : [about Reagan]  Don't you see that look in his eyes? He's not dealing with the real world anymore! Here's a man who in the presidential debate referred to Army uniforms as "costumes". So in other words, war is the big film! So if he launches a nuclear weapon, that's a wrap, everybody!

  [waves] 

• Robin Williams : The natural process takes a slow, slow transition, and three months later, the wonderful thing happens: the Titty Fairy arrives! And in one night, she goes from zero to Aida! Yah! "Thank you, Jesus! Thank you!" You make move towards her, and it's like, "No! They're for the baby!" Come on, he's only got one mouth, let's warm him up, come on!