- Count Massimo Contini: Actually, I would have preferred to live in a different century, Florence in the 13th or Germany in the 18th. Wouldn't you, Mr. Helm?
- Matt Helm: No, it'd be all wrong. I'd be dead by now.
- 'Mac' MacDonald: [showing a new explosive device] It's so new we don't even have a name for it yet.
- Matt Helm: [throws the handkerchief to a safe distance, where it explodes upon hitting the ground] Why don't we call it a little bit of hanky panky?
- Count Massimo Contini: In our civilized business, this is the traditional time to offer you a cigarette or some liquid refreshment, perhaps. But since we are professional people on limiting time schedules, I suggest that we dispense with such amenities.
- Matt Helm: Oh, no, let's not dispense with any of those things.
- Freya Carlson: [their car is a wreck] Mr. Helm, I'm afraid the car is broken.
- Matt Helm: The car is broken?
- Freya Carlson: Yes.
- [reaches inside the wreckage]
- Freya Carlson: Oh! My hat! My hat's ok.
- Lola Medina: I'm a gypsy, Mr. Helm. My father was a gypsy. And he taught us one thing: wise men enjoy pleasure before business.
- Matt Helm: [Freya has pushed Lenka into the pool] What made you think she could swim?
- Freya Carlson: That was the only way to find out, right?
- Matt Helm: Wanna do me a favor?
- Freya Carlson: Yes sir.
- Matt Helm: Go play in the freeway.
- [turns to leave but turns back]
- Matt Helm: Without a car!
- Count Massimo Contini: I would like to play poker with you, Mr. Helm, because you lie so unconvincingly.
- Matt Helm: Hey, Mac, I'm glad you dropped by. I want you to meet some cute little...
- 'Mac' MacDonald: Now, never mind.
- [escorts Matt away]
- Matt Helm: Hey, I'm payin' those girls double-time. Do you know what it costs to double-time all those girls?
- Lola Medina: Oh, I am a wretched hostess, Mr. Helm. I haven't offered you a thing.
- Matt Helm: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- Freya Carlson: [After falling into a deep pond] It's too deep.
- Matt Helm: Too deep, huh?
- [She nods]
- Matt Helm: I wanna ask you a question. Whose side are you on?
- Freya Carlson: Well, I'm an agent. And I also happen to be a good one. And I'm also a woman!
- [She storms away]
- Matt Helm: It *was* the wig.
- Count Massimo Contini: Ten seconds behind schedule.
- Linka Karensky: Is that catastrophic?
- Count Massimo Contini: Yes. I deplore sloppiness.
- Matt Helm: [to the tune of 'The Sunny Side of the Street'] Grab your coat, get your pail, let me take you in the barn, dear. Just sit back and watch, 'cause I found a cow who gives scotch.
- Matt Helm: [to the tune of 'Cry'] If your sweetheart puts a pistol in her bed, you'd do better sleeping with your uncle Fred...
- Freya Carlson: It just so happens that I know where Yu-Rang hangs her kimono.
- Matt Helm: I'll bet you do.
- Matt Helm: [singing] Red sails in the sunset, Way out in the west, They named you long distance, Cause your switchboard's the best.
- Matt Helm: [singing] Oh, how we'll dance, On the night that we're wed, We'll have to keep dancin', Or you'll burn up our bed.
- Freya Carlson: I'm here to help you in any way I can.
- Matt Helm: Well, it's very nice of you.
- Freya Carlson: Is there anything you'd like for me to do?
- Matt Helm: Yes, ma'am. A couple of things.
- Freya Carlson: Yes, sir.
- Matt Helm: Who we? We? We? What's we?
- Freya Carlson: Us! You and me. My orders from the Tourist Bureau are to work directly under you.
- Count Massimo Contini: You are interfering with plans as delicately balanced as a Swiss chronometer! Therefore, I must kill you.
- Linka Karensky: Mr. Helm, come here.
- Matt Helm: You want me to lie down so you can talk to me? Okay.
- Linka Karensky: About a partnership.
- Matt Helm: Full partnership? Name on a rug, door, floor?
- Linka Karensky: Full treatment!
- [rolls over on Matt and gives him a kiss]
- Linka Karensky: You see, the trains have stopped for Contini and me and - I'm getting off.
- Freya Carlson: I was told to work directly under you and you refused to cooperate.
- Matt Helm: You say that again and I'm gonna teach you to watch your language.
- Freya Carlson: [enters wearing a pink negligee, lies down on the bed] Hey, do you think we can have our - little talk now?
- Matt Helm: [singing] We're gonna talk a little, Kiss a little, Nothin's gonna spoil our bliss a little, And when our talk is through, How 'bout me and you?
- Matt Helm: So this is the place I was gonna get shot in the back. Kind of a stylish pad to take off from.
- Matt Helm: Well, I'm supposed to meet Linka tonight and they've set me up for a hit. But I'm gonnna shock her out of her miniskirt.
- Linka Karensky: My dear, you must be terribly dedicated to your work, to wear an atrocious wig like that.
- Freya Carlson: How very common of you to mention it.
- Count Massimo Contini: [on viewscreen] I could indulge myself by killing you, Mr Helm, but I will leave that small chore to our colleague Miss Carlson.
- Count Massimo Contini: You will have the pleasure of killing Mr. Helm.
- Linka Karensky: Thank you very much, Your Excellency.
- Matt Helm: [singing] I know why I've waited, Know why I've been blue, Prayed each night for a roommate, Exactly like you.
- Matt Helm: I thought you wanted to talk?
- Linka Karensky: Oh, can't that wait? I always prefer pleasure before business.
- Matt Helm: I bet your father was a wise old gypsy.
- Linka Karensky: Because I'm going barefoot?
- Matt Helm: Eh, just a thought. But, I like your thinkin'. Pleasure first! Without interruptions.
- Matt Helm: [singing] Let me call you sweetheart, I'm in love with you, I haven't seen your face, dear, But, your legs will do.
- Freya Carlson: It just so happens that I know where Yu-Rang hangs her kimono.
- Matt Helm: I'll bet you do!
- Freya Carlson: You just remember that this happens to be my home cricket pitch.
- Matt Helm: Well, stop pitchin' your cricket and give!