- Miss Graveley: How old do you think I am young man?
- Sam Marlowe: Hmm... fifty. How old do you think you are?
- Miss Graveley: Forty-two! I can show you my birth certificate.
- Sam Marlowe: I'm afraid you're going to have to show more than your birth certificate to convince a man of that.
- Capt. Wiles: [after Dr. Greenbow trips over the body] Couldn't have had more people here if I'd sold tickets.
- Sam Marlowe: When I saw him, he was dead.
- Jennifer Rogers: He looked exactly the same when he was alive, only he was vertical.
- Capt. Wiles: Coming home from Madagascar once we had a fireman on board who hit his head on a brick wall and died two days later.
- Sam Marlowe: Where did he find a brick wall on board a ship?
- Capt. Wiles: Mmmm... that's what we always wondered.
- [the Captain and Miss Graveley have afternoon tea together]
- Capt. Wiles: A real handsome man's cup.
- Miss Graveley: It's been in the family for years. My father always used it... until he died.
- Capt. Wiles: I trust he died peacefully. Slipped away in the night?
- Miss Graveley: He was caught in a threshing machine.
- [Upon finding the Captain dragging a body along the ground]
- Miss Graveley: What seems to be the trouble, Captain?
- Jennifer Rogers: I've never been to a home-made funeral before.
- Capt. Wiles: I have... it's my third. All in one day...
- Sam Marlowe: I think, Captain Wiles, we're tangled up in a murder.
- Capt. Wiles: Murder. If it's murder who dunnit?
- Sam Marlowe: Who did it?
- Capt. Wiles: That's what I say, whodunnit?
- [Discussing Jennifer's recently deceased husband Harry]
- Jennifer Rogers: You can stuff him, for all I care. Stuff him and put him in a glass case, only I'd suggest frosted glass.
- Sam Marlowe: What did he do to you? Besides marry you.
- Sam Marlowe: Perharps I'll come back tomorrow.
- Arnie: When's that?
- Sam Marlowe: The day after today.
- Arnie: That's yesterday. Today's tomorrow.
- Sam Marlowe: It was.
- Arnie: When was tomorrow yesterday?
- Sam Marlowe: Today.
- Arnie: Oh, sure. Yesterday.
- Capt. Wiles: I fired three bullets. Three! One for the hunting sign, one for the tin can...
- Sam Marlowe: ...and one for the little man who's lying in the grave.
- Sam Marlowe: Didn't know you had such a pretty mother, Arnie.
- Arnie: You think she's pretty, you should see my slingshot.
- Miss Graveley: [Arnie puts a dead rabbit on the table while the Captain and Miss Graveley are having tea] What do you call him?
- Arnie: Dead.
- Capt. Wiles: Where did you get him?
- Arnie: I found him.
- Miss Graveley: Where did you find him?
- Arnie: [Looking at the tea table] In the blueberry muffins.
- Miss Graveley: What seems to be the trouble, Captain?
- Capt. Wiles: Well, it's what you might call an unavoidable accident. He's dead.
- Miss Graveley: Yes. I would say that he was. Of course, that's an unprofessional opinion.
- Capt. Wiles: Do you know him, Miss Gravely?
- Miss Graveley: No. Doesn't live around here.
- Capt. Wiles: Well, he died around here. That's what counts now.
- Sam Marlowe: You're beautiful. Wonderful! You're the most wonderful, beautiful thing I've ever seen. I'd like to paint you.
- Jennifer Rogers: Was there something else you wanted, Mr. - Marlow, isn't it?
- Sam Marlowe: You certainly are a lovely woman. I'd like to paint you nude.
- Jennifer Rogers: Some other time, Mr. Marlow. I was about to make Arnie some lemonade.
- Capt. Wiles: She was downright hysterical with delight.
- Sam Marlowe: What was she like?
- Capt. Wiles: Pretty as a rainbow. Wish I was two years younger.
- Sam Marlowe: Perhaps I've come at an awkward moment.
- Jennifer Rogers: If you want to undress me, you have.
- Jennifer Rogers: It's too late to say prayers. Besides, wherever he's going, he's there now. Bye, Harry. I forgive you.
- Capt. Wiles: [as he sees Sam Marlowe coming] Next thing you know they'll be televising the whole thing.
- Arnie: How come you never came over to visit me before?
- Sam Marlowe: I didn't know you had such a pretty mother, Arnie.
- Arnie: You think she's pretty, you should see my slingshot.
- Capt. Wiles: [about Miss Gravely] She's a well-preserved woman.
- Sam Marlowe: I envy you.
- Capt. Wiles: Yes, very well preserved. And preserves have to be opened, some day.
- Capt. Wiles: What in Hades were you doing here anyway? I can't say that I've seen you around here before. No. If you're going to get yourself shot, do it where you're known!
- Deputy Sheriff Calvin Wiggs: Bullets and guns are dangerous. They kill things.
- Sam Marlowe: No one around here could hit a freight car with a cannon.
- Capt. Wiles: First thing I seen when I rolled out this morning was a double-breasted robin, drunk as a hoot owl from eating fermented chokecherries. Right away I knew somebody was in trouble. What I didn't know was - that it was me.
- Jennifer Rogers: This is what happened. I was in the hotel room alone. I put on my best nightie. You understand?
- Sam Marlowe: Perfectly.
- Jennifer Rogers: Although I had no true feeling for Harry, I had worked myself into a certain enthusiasm because I thought he loved me.
- Sam Marlowe: Must have been hard work.
- Jennifer Rogers: There was a full moon, and I sat by the window because I thought it would show off my new nightie to advantage.
- Sam Marlowe: Naturally.
- Jennifer Rogers: I don't know why I'm telling you all this.
- Jennifer Rogers: He was too good to live.
- Sam Marlowe: From his looks, he didn't appear to be the kind that was "too good."
- Jennifer Rogers: Well, he was. Horribly good.
- Capt. Wiles: What are you thinking, Sammy?
- Sam Marlowe: I think, Captain Wiles, we're tangled up in a murder.
- Capt. Wiles: Murder? If it's murder, who done it?
- Sam Marlowe: Who "did" it?
- Capt. Wiles: That's what I say, who done it?
- Mrs. Wiggs: Oh. Mr. Marlow, it's wonderful.
- Sam Marlowe: [turns his abstract painting, that Mrs. Wiggs is holding, downside up] I've been in a tortured mood lately.
- Mrs. Wiggs: What is it?
- Sam Marlowe: Good old Wiggy, my sternest critic.
- Mrs. Wiggs: I don't understand your work. I think it's beautiful. So does Mrs. Rogers.
- Sam Marlowe: Oh! You talk about me? She's the pretty woman with the little boy, isn't she?
- Mrs. Wiggs: Mmm-hmm. I only brought up your name once when we were talking about strange people.
- Sam Marlowe: Huh?
- Mrs. Wiggs: That is, strangers. People she hadn't met yet.
- Miss Graveley: Wiggy. What a perfectly ridiculous little nickname. Do you mind if I call you "Wiggy," Mrs. Wiggs?
- Mrs. Wiggs: Not if you pay all your bills on time.
- Sam Marlowe: Stands to reason they can't touch you for it.
- Capt. Wiles: Nothing these days stands to reason.
- Jennifer Rogers: Harry the handsome hero. Harry the saint. Harry the good.
- Sam Marlowe: I didn't catch his last name.
- Jennifer Rogers: Harry Worp.
- Sam Marlowe: Whether you killed him or not, you've incriminated yourself. You'll have much more of a job explaining a body you didn't kill and buried than a body that you killed accidentally and buried.
- Sam Marlowe: You're not supposed to bury bodies whenever you find them. It makes people suspicious. Supposed to tell the police or advertise or something.
- Jennifer Rogers: You've got an artistic mind. You can see the finer things.
- Sam Marlowe: When I'm lucky.
- Capt. Wiles: I don't want to talk about your affairs. I've got affairs of my own.
- Sam Marlowe: You mean my protégée?
- Capt. Wiles: Come again?
- Sam Marlowe: Miss Gravely. The lady that I renovated down at Mrs. Wiggs' this afternoon. A most remarkable reversion to femininity.
- Jennifer Rogers: It's funny, but, I feel awful comfortable with you, Sam.
- Sam Marlowe: You know, I feel the same way, too. It's a good feeling, feeling comfortable with someone who feels that way, too.