- Alfred: Have you ever heard of Russian Roulette?
- Daphne De Carter: Why, certainly. I used to play it all the time with my father.
- Alfred: I doubt that you played Russian Roulette all the time with your father!
- Daphne De Carter: Oh, I most certainly did. You play it with two decks of cards, and...
- Alfred: That's Russian Bank. Russian Roulette's a very different amusement which I can only wish your father had played continuously before he had you!
- Alfred: I give you my solemn word, August: if I don't regain control of myself in a few minutes, concert or no concert, I'll take this candelabrum and beat that walnut you use for a head into a nutburger, I believe they're called!
- August Henshler: I don't think they should do this in public.
- Barbara: Well, it's better to do it in public than not to do it at all!
- Barbara: You see, some men just naturally make you think of Brut champagne. With others you think of prune juice.
- August Henshler: Oh, ho!
- Barbara: You have nothing to laugh at!
- August Henshler: Too much temperament. Give me the simple viewpoint!
- Barbara: You've got it, boy, you don't have to yearn for it.
- Detective Sweeney: People said "What do you wanna hear that Limey for? What does he know about music? It takes an Eye-talian, a Russian or a Dutchman to bring it out good," but something inside of me said "Give the Limey a chance!" And I did! And am I glad I did!
- Hugo Standoff: [on being told that Sir Alfred's chartered plane has come down in a storm "somewhere in the neighborhood of Nova Scotia"] What a neighborhood!
- Hugo Standoff: Never since the invention of that most beautiful of all musical instruments, the symphony orchestra, has it been played like you just done.
- Alfred: Don't flatter me.
- Hugo Standoff: Flatter? Compared to the truth, I'm insulting you. What did you have in your head? What visions of eternity, Armageddon, the final battle of the planets in the end of creation, to bring music like that from that bunch of cat scratchers?
- Alfred: You'd be enormously surprised if you knew, Hugo.