- Reporter: Say listen, is he working on a case?
- Nora Charles: Yes, yes!
- Reporter: What case?
- Nora Charles: A case of scotch. Pitch in and help him.
- Nick Charles: The important thing is the rhythm. Always have rhythm in your shaking. Now a Manhattan you shake to fox-trot time, a Bronx to two-step time, a dry martini you always shake to waltz time.
- Nick Charles: Oh, it's all right, Joe. It's all right. It's my dog. And, uh, my wife.
- Nora Charles: Well you might have mentioned me first on the billing.
- Nora Charles: How many drinks have you had?
- Nick Charles: This will make six Martinis.
- Nora Charles: [to the waiter] All right. Will you bring me five more Martinis, Leo? Line them right up here.
- Nora Charles: You know, that sounds like an interesting case. Why don't you take it?
- Nick Charles: I haven't the time. I'm much too busy seeing that you don't lose any of the money I married you for.
- Nick Charles: Hey, would you mind putting that gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm a very timid fellow.
- Nora Charles: You idiot!
- Nick Charles: [to the gunman] Alright, shoot! I mean, uh, what's on your mind?
- Nick Charles: I'm a hero. I was shot twice in the Tribune.
- Nora Charles: I read where you were shot 5 times in the tabloids.
- Nick Charles: It's not true. He didn't come anywhere near my tabloids.
- [On the motley group of guests present]
- Nora Charles: Oh, Nicky, I love you because you know such lovely people.
- Nick Charles: How'd you like Grant's tomb?
- Nora Charles: It's lovely. I'm having a copy made for you.
- Nora Charles: All right! Go ahead! Go on! See if I care! But I thinks it's a dirty trick to bring me all the way to New York just to make a widow of me.
- Nick Charles: You wouldn't be a widow long.
- Nora Charles: You bet I wouldn't!
- Nick Charles: Not with all your money...
- Lieutenant John Guild: You got a pistol permit?
- Nick Charles: No.
- Lieutenant John Guild: Ever heard of the Sullivan Act?
- Nora Charles: Oh, that's all right, we're married.
- Nora Charles: Pretty girl.
- Nick Charles: Yes. She's a very nice type.
- Nora Charles: You got types?
- Nick Charles: Only you, darling. Lanky brunettes with wicked jaws.
- Nora Charles: Nick? Nicky?
- Nick Charles: What?
- Nora Charles: You asleep?
- Nick Charles: Yes!
- Nora Charles: Good. I want to talk to you.
- Nora Charles: Is that my drink over there?
- Nick Charles: What were you drinking?
- Nora Charles: Rye.
- Nick Charles: [finishes her drink in one gulp and hands her the empty glass] Yes, that's yours.
- Marion: I don't like crooks. And if I did like 'em, I wouldn't like crooks that are stool pigeons. And if I did like crooks that are stool pigeons, I still wouldn't like you.
- Nick Charles: Now how did you ever remember me?
- Dorothy: Oh, you used to fascinate me. A real live detective. You used to tell me the most wonderful stories. Were they true?
- Nick Charles: Probably not.
- Reporter: Well, can't you tell us anything about the case?
- Nick Charles: Yes, it's putting me way behind in my drinking.
- [the guests are finding their places to sit at the dinner table]
- Mimi Jorgenson, the former Mrs. Wynant: I'm Mrs. Jorgenson!
- Mrs. Jorgenson: Put it over there, sister. I was Mrs. Jorgenson before you were.
- Nick Charles: Now my friends, if I may propose a little toast. Let us eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.
- Nora Charles: You give such charming parties, Mr. Charles.
- Nick Charles: Thank you, Mrs. Charles.
- Nora Charles: Take care of yourself
- Nick Charles: Why, sure I will.
- Nora Charles: Don't say it like that! Say it as if you meant it!
- Nick Charles: Well, I do believe the little woman cares.
- Nora Charles: I don't care! It's just that I'm used to you, that's all.
- [last lines]
- Nora Charles: [In their two-berth sleeping car] Nicky... Nicky, put Asta in here with me tonight.
- Nick Charles: [chuckles] Oh, yeah?
- [Nick throws Asta in the upper berth. Nick leans down to kiss Nora. Asta covers his eyes with his paws. Last shot you see the train traveling off into the night as the soundtrack plays, "California, Here I Come."]
- [Nick has revived Nora after knocking her out to keep her from being accidentally shot by Joe Morelli]
- Nora Charles: You darn fool! You didn't have to knock me out. I knew you'd take him, but I wanted to see you do it.
- Lieutenant John Guild: [laughs] There's a girl with hair on her chest.
- Gil: There's a physiological as well as psychological angle in my father's relationship with Julia Wolf that the police have overlooked, and I think it settles the whole question. You see, my father was a sexagenarian.
- Reporter: He was?
- Gil: Yes, he admitted it.
- Reporter: A sexagenarian, eh?
- Gil: [nods]
- Reporter: But we can't put that in the paper.
- Gil: Why not?
- Reporter: You know how they are; sex?
- Gil: Well, then just say he was sixty years old.
- Reporter: Is that what that means?
- Gil: Of course!
- Nora Charles: [to Asta, as Nick and Asta are going out on a case] If you let anything happen to him, you'll never wag that tail again.
- Nora Charles: Gilbert, you've been listening on the extension again.
- Gil: Of course, what else is an exension for ?
- Nick Charles: Say, how did you people happen to pop in here?
- Lieutenant John Guild: We hear this is getting to be sort of a meeting place for the Wynant family, so we figured we'll stick around just in case the old boy himself should show up. Then we see this bird sneak in, we decide to come up. And lucky for you we did!
- Nick Charles: Yes, I might not have been shot.
- Tommy: Say, I'm getting out of here.
- Nick Charles: No, you stay here.
- Tommy: If I stay, I know I'm gonna take a poke at him.
- Nick Charles: Then I insist that you stay.
- Morelli: What's the gag?
- Marion: You know as much about it as I do.
- Detective Waiter: [shouting] Have a cocktail!
- Morelli: N-no, I don't care for any.
- Detective Waiter: [Still shouting] I said, have a cocktail!
- Marion: [Nervously] I guess he wants us to have a cocktail.
- Nora Charles: Who is she?
- Nick Charles: Oh, darling, I was hoping I wouldn't have to answer that.
- Nora Charles: Come on.
- Nick Charles: Well, Dorothy is really my daughter. You see, it was spring in Venice and I was so young, I didn't know what I was doing. We're all like that on my father's side.
- Nora Charles: By the way, how is your father's side?
- Nick Charles: Oh, it's much better, thanks. And yours?
- Gil: Could I come down and see the body? I've never seen a dead body.
- Lieutenant John Guild: Why do you want to?
- Gil: Well, I've been studying psychopathic criminology and I have a theory. Perhaps this was the work of a sadist or a paranoiac. If I saw it I might be able to tell.
- Lieutenant John Guild: Yeah, that's a good idea. But don't you bother to come down - we'll bring the body right up to you.
- Tanner: Julia Wolf got me a job as her bookkeeper.
- Nick Charles: Well, that's a hot one. Bookkeeper. Where did you ever learn bookkeeping?
- Tanner: That last time you sent me up, I learned bookkeeping in Sing Sing.
- Nora Charles: Is this true?
- Nick Charles: I don't know.
- Nora Charles: Then, why are you saying it?
- Nick Charles: Its the only way it makes sense.
- Nora Charles: [after the doorbell rings on Christmas Eve] Who's that?
- Nick Charles: It's probably Santa Claus.
- Nick Charles: [carrying a tray of drinks] Here's that man again! Ammunition! Highballs and cocktails - the long and short of it.
- Clyde Wynant, the thin man: Is this fellow - has he seen the whole family?
- Dorothy: Yes and he still wants to marry me.
- Clyde Wynant, the thin man: He's a brave man!
- Morelli: I didn't knock Julia off.
- Nick Charles: All right, you didn't.
- Morelli: I ain't seen her in about three months. We was all washed up.
- Nick Charles: Why tell me?
- Morelli: I wouldn't have any reason to hurt her. She was always on the up-and-up with me; but, that dirty little Nunheim he got sore with her cause I clicked and he didn't! And he put the finger on me!
- Nick Charles: Well, this is all swell brother; but, you're peddling your fish in the wrong market. I've got nothing to do with this.
- Lieutenant John Guild: Give me that phone! Give me that phone! Bill, pick up Nunheim. Tell the boys. He just left here. Went down the fire escape. Cover the Grand Central and Pennsylvania Stations. Check all airports and all steam ship terminals. What's that? No, no, no. Have Lefty radio all the cars. He was dressed in a black pair of pants. Yes. Yes. Pink unde - how should I know if his underwear's embroidered? What?
- Nora Charles: Back to California, huh?
- Nick Charles: My soul woman, I give you three murders and you're still not satisfied.
- Friend of nick: [Speaking about Nick Charles] Nice guy! He sent me up the river one time.