- I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
- It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
- My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!
- I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
- I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.
- My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
- [on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
- [in a 1986 interview, explaining the origin of his "no respect" routine] I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!'."
- I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, "At least we know your vision is perfect."
- To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit [he had given up on show business in 1949], I was the only one who knew I quit.
- If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
- My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
- I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
- Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.
- I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
- My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me better as a friend.
- At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
- Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
- I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
- I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly, too."
- I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
- I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- My cousin's gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben is a clock.
- I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- What a kid I've got. I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
- I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn't met me yet.
- [asked who makes him laugh] My wife, during sex.
- To be a comedian you have to get onstage and find out if you're funny.
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