Batman vs Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2019 Video)
Darren Criss: Raphael
Photos
Quotes
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Commissioner Gordon : Ninjas. As if we didn't have enough problems in this city.
Batman : Commissioner Gordon.
[Gordon Turns and sees Batman]
Batman : What have you got for me?
Commissioner Gordon : It's Arkham. Alarms went off an hour ago, but when...
[Sees the Turtles]
Commissioner Gordon : What are those?
Michelangelo : Teenagers.
Donatello : Mutants.
Raphael : Ninjas.
Leonardo : Turtles.
Commissioner Gordon : Just think about your retirement. Some place where the turtles don't talk and clowns are funny.
Batman : It's okay, Jim, they're friends. Arkham.
Commissioner Gordon : Right. When my people tried to move in, they were attacked by ninjas. Like the ones that have been knocking over laboratories.
Leonardo : Shredder!
Commissioner Gordon : We've got the perimeter locked down, but we have to assume there are hostages inside. Guards, doctors, nurses. I need you to...
[Sees the roof is empty]
Commissioner Gordon : Sure, leave before I finish. That never gets old.
Michelangelo : I'm still here.
Commissioner Gordon : AAAAAA!
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Shredder : [Knocks away Batman's explosive capsules] No tricks!
[Slices off Batman's utility belt]
Shredder : No gadgets!
[Slashes Batman in the chest, knocking him back]
Shredder : I promised you would die if you stood in my way.
[Kicks Batman into a wall]
Shredder : You are no match for me! Now, I will take control of the League of Assassins, harness the power of the Lazarus Pits, and the Foot Clan will rule for a thousand years!
[Extends his spikes for a final blow]
Shredder : Any last words?
Batman : ...Cowabunga!
Shredder : What? "Cowabunga"?
[Raphael flies by Shredder, his shell striking his face shield, shattering it]
Raphael : Boom! In your dumb face, Shred-head!
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Raphael : So, this League of Assassins seems just like your standard evil ninja deal.
Robin : Ha, hardly, despite their name. The League would be better understood as a death cult. Worshiping Ra's al Ghul, the Demon's head.
Raphael : Okay, fine. Creepy evil ninjas then.
Robin : He wants to use the League to tear down cities like Gotham and rebuild them in his image.
Batgirl : Yeah, Ra's obviously has plans for the mutagen your Shredder brought into the city.
Donatello : Ooze, we call it Ooze.
Batgirl : Really? Ugh, I do not like that word. "Ooze", blech, gross.
Raphael : Right, Shredder gives ghoulie the Ooze, they build some kind of gizmo and in return, let me get this straight, Shredder gets a pit?
Robin : The Lazarus Pit. It's how Ra's al Ghul has survived for centuries. It's magic grants immortality to any who bathe in it.
Raphael : An immortal Shredder? That would suck.
Donatello : As much as the words immortal Shredder freak me out. I think Batgirl and I have solved one of our problems.
Batgirl : Yep, with the info Donnie... I can call you that, right?
Donatello : By all means.
Batgirl : Cool that Donnie had on his T-phone, I've whipped up a retro mutagen.
Donatello : Anti-Ooze.
Batgirl : Not gonna call it that. That will reverse the effects of the "stuff".
Raphael : You're gonna wanna get that anti-Ooze away from this happily mutated turtle.
Donatello : Don't worry, it'll only work on someone who's been mutated in the last 12 hours. After that, the DNA changes are baked in.
Batgirl : Yeah, although maybe worry a little, because it's untested, right now there's a... I'm gonna say 40% chance of lethal side effects.
Robin : I agree with the turtle, go stand over there.
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Donatello : [the Turtles are researching Batman on a computer, while Michelangelo draws on a nearby whiteboard] They call him... The Batman.
Raphael : Oh, Batman! Yeah, no, I'm glad that half-an-hour research pulled up the name I could've guessed in two seconds!
Donatello : I've read rumors about a supernatural bat creature in Gotham, but I assumed it was an urban legend or that he was a mutant like us.
Leonardo : That guy was definitely human, and I think his supernatural powers are just his gadgets.
Michelangelo : Uh, we already know what he is: he's awesome! Unless he's a bad guy. That'd make him, like...
[Counts with his fingers]
Michelangelo : 40% less awesome.
Donatello : No one knows his motives, but it appears that he only attacks criminals, especially this clown guy.
Raphael : So he wears a Dracula costume and punches clowns, who cares! The dirtbag stole my sai!
Donatello : [Quietly] Dracula costume? What kind of Dracula movies are *you* watching?
Raphael : Look, all I'm saying is ever since Shredder stole the Ooze from TCRI and came to Gotham, we know he's been working with a new partner, right? It's gotta be this Bat-creep.
Leonardo : I'm not so sure. The way he fought, avoiding lethal blows; he wanted to figure us out. Like a detective.
Michelangelo : [Shows his drawings on the whiteboard] Okay, bros! I broke it down. Awesome: little-bat throwing things, cool car, sweet bat hat. Not awesome: kicked our butts, may be evil, mean voice.
[Smiles proudly]
Leonardo : Either way, after Wayne Enterprises, we have no idea where the Foot will be next. The Batman is our only lead.
Donatello : Agreed. Whether friend or foe, he was at the scene of the crime.