- The Penguin: [while being bombarded by food] Why is there always someone who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?
- [crouched atop a dazed Batman]
- Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for.
- Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left.
- Batman: I tried to save you.
- Catwoman: Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
- Selina Kyle: A kiss under the mistletoe. You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- Bruce Wayne: But a kiss can be even deadlier... if you mean it.
- [silence as they realize each other's identities]
- Selina Kyle: Oh, my God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
- Bruce Wayne: Let's go outside.
- [Shreck shoots Batman]
- Selina Kyle: You killed me... The Penguin killed me... Batman killed me... that's... three lives down. You got enough in there to finish me off?
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: One way to find out.
- [Shreck fires two shots at Catwoman]
- Selina Kyle: Four... Five...
- [cracks her whip]
- Selina Kyle: Still alive!
- [Shreck fires two more]
- Selina Kyle: Six... Seven... All good girls go to heaven...
- [now within reach of Shreck; he pulls the trigger, but there are no bullets left; she laughs hysterically]
- Selina Kyle: Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime, how about a kiss, Santy Claus?
- [grabs ahold of a power cable and moves towards Shreck with a stun gun and a kiss]
- Batman: What do you want?
- The Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.
- [laughs, then turns serious]
- The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
- Batman: Things change.
- [Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]
- Catwoman: Meow.
- [a store explodes, she slips off]
- The Penguin: I saw her first... gotta fly!
- [addressing a huge flock of penguins]
- The Penguin: My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish *all* God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd *and* 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun!
- [the Penguin creeps up behind Batman and grabs a trick umbrella - only to find it weaponless]
- The Penguin: Ah, shit... I picked a cute one.
- [hurls away the umbrella]
- The Penguin: The heat's getting to me. I'll murder you momentarily. But first, I need a cold drink of ice water.
- [he keels over on the edge of the bank. Six emperor penguins waddle up to the him and slide his body into the water]
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Selina! Selina Kyle, you're fired! And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?
- Catwoman: Because he *is* Batman, you moron!
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Was.
- [shoots Batman]
- [Shreck sees the Penguin]
- The Penguin: Hi.
- [Shreck opens his mouth several times, but nothing comes out]
- The Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is... "Aaahh"!
- Security #2: Don't hurt us, lady. Our take-home's less than three-hundred.
- Catwoman: You're overpaid. Hit the road.
- Selina Kyle: [Selina walks Bruce to the elevator] You don't seem like the type who does business with Mr. Shreck.
- Bruce Wayne: No, you don't seem like the type that takes orders from him.
- Selina Kyle: Well, that's a... long story.
- Bruce Wayne: You know, I could... free up some time.
- [Bruce walks in elevator]
- Selina Kyle: I'm listed.
- Bruce Wayne: I'm tempted.
- Selina Kyle: I'm working.
- Bruce Wayne: [Elevator doors close] I'm leaving!
- Bruce Wayne: Here's what I want you to do... tell Selina - tell Miss Kyle in there - tell her, uh, tell her I had to go out of town, a big business deal came up or some... no, you know what? Tell her, you know, not in some dumb, "be my girlfriend" kind of way...
- Alfred: I will relay the message.
- Bruce Wayne: Great.
- [runs out]
- Alfred: Miss Kyle...
- Selina Kyle: Alfred, hi!
- Alfred: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you...
- Selina Kyle: Mr. Wayne? Oh, Bruce. Yes. Um, would you tell him for me that, uh, I've been going through a lot of changes, and... no. Um, just that this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving. In fact, he makes me feel the way I hope I really am... no! Could you just make up a sonnet or something? A dirty limerick?
- Alfred: One has just sprung to mind.
- Selina Kyle: Thanks!
- [runs out]
- Selina Kyle: It's gonna be a hot time on the cold town tonight.
- Bruce Wayne: You-you've got kind of a - kind of a dark side, don't you?
- Selina Kyle: No darker than yours, Bruce.
- Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.
- The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...
- [begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on]
- The Penguin: naked sexual charisma.
- Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.
- The Penguin: Ointment!
- [jumps up and picks up two bottles]
- The Penguin: Scented or unscented?
- Catwoman: I'll come back later.
- Selina Kyle: It's the so-called "normal" guys who always let you down. Sickos never scare me. Least they're committed.
- Alfred: Let's not forget about repairing the Batmobile. There's certain security to consider. It's not as though we can take it to any old "Joe's bodyshop," is it, sir?
- Bruce Wayne: Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working and I turn around, there she is. "Oh hi, Vick - come on in."
- Josh: Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?
- [he chuckles and the Penguin joins in]
- The Penguin: Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.
- [they both laugh again]
- Josh: Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...
- [the Penguin bites Josh's nose]
- The Penguin: I could really get into this mayor stuff. It's not about power, it's about reaching out to people - touching people - groping people!
- Selina Kyle: Wow, *the* Batman - or is it just "Batman"? Uh, your choice, of course!
- [Batman walks away]
- Selina Kyle: Well, that was very brief. Just like all the men in my life.
- The Penguin: [hooking Catwoman onto his trick umbrella, which launches into the air] Goodbye, my unintended; go to Heaven.
- Fat Clown: Penguin... I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little, uh...
- [Penguin grabs an umbrella and shoots Henchman dead]
- The Penguin: No! It's a lot "uh"!
- [Kicks Henchman into the water]
- Selina Kyle: Okay, go ahead. Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me.
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Actually, it's a lot like that.
- Bruce Wayne: The point is, Max, Gotham City has a power surplus. I'm sure you know that. My question is: what's your angle?
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning.
- Bruce Wayne: Yeah, well... I'm gonna fight you on this. And I've already spoken to the mayor and we see eye to eye, so...
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Mayors come and go. Blue bloods tire easy. You think you can go fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck?
- Bruce Wayne: Well, I guess we're gonna find out. Course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so it might...
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Crime boss? Shows what you know, Mr. to-the-manor-born-with-a-silver-spoon. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy. If his parents hadn't eighty-sixed him, you two might've been bunkies at prep school!
- [the Circus Gang passes Penguin a large Christmas stocking labeled "Max." He reaches in and takes out a large thermos]
- The Penguin: A batch of toxic waste from your "clean" textile plant.
- [pours it into a dish]
- The Penguin: There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back.
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: That could have come from anywhere.
- The Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
- The Penguin: Ah, good idea!
- [he reaches into the stocking and pulls out a sheaf of documents]
- The Penguin: A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: [starting to lose his composure] Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's-he's good.
- The Penguin: Good?
- [Penguin takes out a severed hand]
- The Penguin: [imitating a ventriloquist] Hiya, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any of the other body parts? Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
- [last lines]
- Alfred: Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mister Wayne.
- Bruce Wayne: Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men... and women.
- [the Ice Princess mistakes the batarang for a camera]
- The Penguin: Say cheese!
- Ice Princess: Cheese!
- [he throws it at her]
- Volunteer Bimbo: You are the coolest role-model a young person could have!
- The Penguin: And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have.
- The Penguin: [driving the Batmobile] Maybe this is a bad time to mention this, but my license has expired!
- Bruce Wayne: [working on the Batcomputer. Alfred sets down a bowl of soup in front of him. He picks up the spoon and takes a sip, only to spit it out] Cold!
- Alfred: It's vichyssoise.
- Bruce Wayne: [stares, not knowing why it's important]
- Alfred: It's *supposed* to be cold.
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimum of fuss! Money, jewels, a *very* big ball of string.
- Catwoman: Your blood, Max.
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: My blood, I gave, at the office.
- Catwoman: A half pint, I'm talking gallons.
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Let's make a deal, other than my blood. What can I do for you?
- Catwoman: Sorry, Max, a die for a die!