saint_brett Reviews

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

MTV Horror

[1/10 · 4 June 2024]

'Halloween 8' was the requested sequel by all the shallow Michael Myers fans from 1982, as they rejected John Carpenter and Debra Hill's 'Season of the Witch' anthology and wanted more of the same with the indestructible boogeyman.

A lot of Halloween fans say, "I love all the Halloween movies except Part 3." They want the same tired story told over and over again and will even vouch for 'Halloween 5-Ply' over 'Season of the Witch.'

Wow, there are four alternative endings to this movie, and one depicts Myers choking Lennox Lewis, then some random girl puts an ax through Myers face, so they actually killed him at the end of this Resurrection sequel.

To have four different endings means the director really didn't know what he was doing.

Why do I own this DVD?

I don't own 'Phantom Menace,' 'Star Wars 8 or 9,' but I have 'Halloween 8?' And I paid to see this in the cinema when it was released as well? Good grief.

Let's all give a round of applause to the Halloween fans of '82 and hold them responsible for Part 8 here. Never let them forget that they asked for these putrid sequels. Hold 'em accountable.

So, Keri Tate sits in her holding cell, all catatonic, looking through the walls, waiting for Halloween night, emulating her brother. Did you notice the Alcatraz cell colors our inpatient is housed in? Does that mean we're still on the west coast after 'H20's' debacle?

Myers, forever the lunatic, is a season pass holder for any mental health facility across the States just breezes into the looney bin, and this underground tunnel scene takes you right back to that Oscar-nominated 'Halloween 6' atrocity. Imagine that - a combination of parts 5, 6, and this movie together.

Let me remind you all that according to 'Halloween 4,' Keri Tate died, and at the 14-minute mark of this movie, she buys it again in dramatic slow-motion fashion. She's clearly knifed through the chest, falls six stories, yet somehow returns in 2018.

Haddonfield University?

Oh, so we're back in Illinois again?

Did Myers thumb a ride or travel coach in economy class? You wouldn't want to sit next to him, as he'd give you the cold shoulder the entire time.

We're introduced to a horrendous cast of young people who appear to be our leads. Tori Spelling or Courtney Love, and some other MTV cast members who have about as much appeal as watching cockroach glue traps enter the frame, and your heart just sinks at how unlikeable they all are. All their introductions are rushed, so one invests little interest in their character or welfare.

Lennox Lewis and some Top Model Rhianna clone host a dial-up click-bait reality show that intends for horrible contestants to participate in musical chairs inside Myers Shoebox Mansion and film it live.

Is it the original house in this or the DYI mansion from 'Halloween 5-Ply?' Once again, the explanation for how they were all picked was rushed so I care little for this aspect as well.

This crap was filmed around the time when the vote 'em off epidemic was in its prime.

I wonder what Carpenter's take on this movie is. I guess he doesn't care as long as the royalty checks keep coming in?

At the 30-minute mark, this is your most common basic movie error for this time of year, as the Avenue Street is aligned with lush, leafy green trees. What fall?

What can you say about the cast in this? Who are any of them? So, what are they actually live streaming? Look how dark the lighting is, and their cameras are 360p quality.

With only one scene dedicated to children trick or treating, that's short, they opt for a house party. No candy collecting or door knocking? Where's your autumn atmosphere?

Did I ever tell you that I once filmed myself setting fire to my two Rod Zombie Halloween DVDs? True story. They do not exist in this dojo, and neither does this nonsense.

I'm sitting here like a store mannequin, void of any human emotion or sensory perception watching this. There's no emotion or sensation in watching this.

And a lot of you people mocked 'Season of the Witch?' Thanks a bunch to all you shallow people who wanted this! You denied us the pleasure to see other 'Season of the Witch' type storylines, and for this?

Who knows what Carpenter and Hill would have come up with next? We'll never know now. You people altered the Halloween movies to take us down this dead-end avenue.

Here's a fact you may not like: Michael Myers is not the face of Halloween.

There's more to Halloween than just a white-faced boogeyman.

Wow, keeping up with 'Halloween 6' sewerage pipe lunacy, Myers just sustained damage from a rolling pin and some salt and pepper onslaught while the karate kid just kung-fued him out the window 'Halloween 5-Ply' style.

What? Are they using Paint to communicate on their flip phones?

To all the Halloween fans from 1982, this is all your fault. Some of us have to suffer due to your rebellion. Instead of other stories being told about Halloween, we're lumped with an invincible killer who cannot be defeated, which kind of defeats the purpose and becomes pointless.

We should all lay down our arms and let Myers just pick us off at his leisure.

If you can't kill him by Part 2 - which they did - then what's the point of just making the same movie over and over again if he can't be killed?

Seven movies this guy's been in up to this point, not counting Zombie's two movies and the ensuing David Gordon Green additives. (Same formula, same story all over again.) The Michael Myers character became so redundant that whenever I watch the 1978 original and its sequel, I cheer for the girls now. It's the same as Disney today killing any interest in lightsabers.

And so Myers ends up in the autopsy room at the end of Part 8, as you know, and opens his eyes. (Implying another sequel to this rubbish is on the way to flog that already dead horse one more time.) Was the intention of that sequel after this to have him body hopping ala 'Jason Goes to Hell?'

I guess even the Akkad clan realized how absurd this garbage was becoming and pulled the plug on any sequel follow-up to this resurrection nonsense.

And sadly, the reigns were handed over to Rod Zombie.

I can't review those movies as I burned them with fire on a now-deleted YouTube video. Along with most of his CDs.

But props to the guitar work in the song 'Feed the Gods.'

You know what? Zombie was up to Part 3 of his series. I often wonder if he was going to tinker with a 'Season of the Witch' storyline and kind of revamp it somehow as he sang about burning witches and whatnot.

Who knows, he may have used the Silver Shamrock factory in Loleta, California, and filmed it before it was demolished.

(As of typing this, June 4, 2024, this building is only 60-proof right now, as two earthquakes saw to it that it sustained major damage that's a hazard to human beings.)

Oh, and one more thing: do you find it strange that Alan Howarth never returned for the last few Halloween movies? It's noticeable too, as there's no eerie score, only rap music in Part 8.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

Multiverse Absurdity

[1/10 · 3 June 2024]

This is what, part 7, right?

Keep in mind that this is coming off the back of Part 6, a movie that comes with a lot of baggage. I don't even know what became of Dr. Wynn in that, but H20 has to pick up the pieces from that cinematic masterpiece.

You can start counting the absurdity of all these sequels with the Wynn character alone. He was a respectful doctor in the original, but according to the 1990s, he's a crazed Satanist who worships human sacrifice. Wow, a trusted doctor of sound mind was secretly a raving lunatic himself. What a trusted member of society!

Let the absurdity begin.

For starters, Laurie Strode was written out as dead in Part 4 via a still Polaroid.

I still can't believe I went to the cinema and actually paid money to see this and Part 8.

In an attempt to make the movie authentic, nurse Marion Chambers is introduced and must be divorced as she's now Wittington, but I can't recall seeing her in Part 6.

Wonder what became of Mrs. Blankenship in that award-winning sequel? She was kind of like Mama Fratelli in that movie. Remember Blankenship? Thought so.

So, Mrs. Wittington has been burgled, and she enlists the help of two stoners. It's strange that one of them is written out of the movie before his name even appears in the opening credits.

The movie doesn't even explain how Myers entered the movie. Where's he been? Where was he last? How'd he skip town and wind up in Langdon? And let's not forget that the last we did see of him, he was beat down by lightweight Paul Rudd, who bested him with a sewerage pipe.

And if this H20 movie takes place 20 later, how do you explain Part 6's connection? Is it twenty years after part 6?

The absurdity is setting in, like yeast and gelatin.

It is at this moment that I inform you that I'm a representative of 'Halloween 3: Season of the Witch' here to remind all you shallow Halloween fans that this is what you asked for. Part three and its ensuing anthology of different stories weren't good enough for you, and this is what we're stuck with. You wanted this, and this is what we got.

Nope! Wrong! Do you know how absurd the idea of shoving an ice-skating shoe blade through somebody's face sounds? The skull bone is so strong that it would force the perpetrator to sever a finger or lacerate a palm.

We're looking for realism, not absurdity.

Wow, must be the two cops from 'Halloween 5-Ply' again? You mean to tell me they never heard the sound of a window breaking or a lady screaming, and they're only a few feet away?

Oh yeah, Harvey Weinstein's name is listed in the credits. Yuck, that's on you, sequel fans; you wanted these sequels; you wear them. I'm pinning it on y'all.

We cut to a prestigious school in a leafy suburb off Highway 139 in Northern California, and Laurie Strode is still under police protection with a different name of little meaning. She wakes up from a nightmare involving her participation in another Halloween sequel. Only the dream is reality. Popping a few Elm Street pills, she's right as rain in no time and accepts her role, as the pay check is too large to refuse. Nightmare pills. There's no such thing.

Sign Jamie Lee Curtis up for any Halloween project, and she'll be there with bells on. I'm still waiting for Michael Myers to go to space. Right, Jason and Pinhead?

I grew up watching the original 'Halloween' movie. Laurie Strode pretty much babysat for me. I once respected her, but Jamie Lee Curtis today, and all those 2018 sequels, are a huge turn-off.

As a fan of 'Halloween 3,' I'm here to pass judgment on this H20 movie, as all you shallow Michael Myers fans protested in the cinemas back in 1982.

'H20' is what you asked for, and here it is not even being talked about in 2024. Or remembered. Just dismissed.

We're introduced to the horrible young cast, who are all from the same ilk as 'I Know What You Did Last Summer,' 'Disturbing Behavior' and 'Urban Legend.' They're like 90s boyband quality. This is just so sanitized and by the book stuff.

So much for realism when this Ed Gein meat truck makes its grand entrance and out pops mother and daughter. Yeah, right, as if they'd drive a clunker like that. Where'd she borrow it from, her grandfather?

Do you expect me to believe Myers drove all the way from Illinois to California without being detected by police officers while wearing that mask? How'd he pay for fuel, as it'd take 2 or 3 gas stops?

George Clooney shows up, groping Laurie Strode like an octopus.

Back in every 80s movie, it was all about writing the parents out of the script as they were an inconvenience to the storyline, but in this movie, it's Laurie Strode who dismisses all the students for their field trip to Disneyland. Got to make sure Myers doesn't have a field day by killing about 100 other students before he gets to the Strode's and co.

MC Ren becomes an accomplice in criminal campus activity by abetting students to flourish in truancy. Once rap artists or musicians, for that matter, start infiltrating movies, that's the end game, in my opinion.

Argh, so around the 31-minute mark, this movie acknowledges that Michael Myers burned and died at the end of 1981's 'Halloween 2.' So these people are all unaware of what he did in parts 4, 5, and 6? I'd include 'Season of the Witch,' but you people don't read novels. If you did, you'd be aware that he was in it and stalking Dr. Challis.

There are elements of Part 4 with this whole Ed Gein truck roaming around town. Speaking of part 4, the Myer's in that looked like a big, old, and slow farmer-type guy, but in this he looks about 20, dropped a hundred pounds, and moves really fast. Actually, it's fair to say he stands only about 5 feet tall in this.

There's a 78 'Halloween' homage as Michelle Williams does the whole fate thing and spots Myers out the school spying like years before in the original. The mask looks like one of those cheap generic knockoffs you buy for a dollar.

"The trick is to concentrate on today." So, that's how you overcome grief? They're using music from 'Psycho' in this scene. Boy, they sure had a lot of time on their hands to be paying homage to that movie in this one. 'Halloween' taking a back step in its own movie to accommodate that one? That scene is interlocking two generations together; unfortunately, most of the people from the 1950s and 60s are no longer with us.

The perimeter of this elite school could be hurdled by a dwarf, so I don't know why Myers had to sneak his way in. This is the same guy who walked on a two-story roof in Part 4.

Wait a minute, why is Jamie Lee Curtis' character not Laurie Myers? He's her brother, right? She's divorced in this, which makes a case for Tate, but in the original movie, she's Laurie Strode. To confuse matters further, why is Jamie Lloyd a Lloyd in Part 4 if she's a Strode?

Absurdity, you see?

This is what happens when you make too many of these types of movies. It becomes confusing and absurd.

At the end of the 55-minute mark, Charlie bumps into Myers, and what's the unusual mask? Is it new, and did he put it in the wash? Did it shrink or something?

Where'd Myers find the time to rig up the human Jack-o'-Lantern?

George Clooney shoots the Farmer's Boulevard rapper, then cops a bit of 'Halloween 2' treatment himself and shakes like a 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' freezer victim.

The Myers mask and hair look silly. One minute he's frizzy, the next he's well manicured, and he sports a sharp 50s collar toward the end, so there must be some connection with that generation, I guess.

It is at the one-hour, 12-minute mark that I take issue with this movie. If you go on canon, that is. Let's insert David Gordon Green's 2022 sequel 'Halloween Ends' theory and 'Halloween 8' here for a second as examples. According to 'Halloween Resurrection,' Myers was aware enough to choke some random father of three paramedic and place his mask over the poor sap's head. But according to 'Halloween Ends,' the power all lies within the mask. Yeah, remember that one he was so desperate to fight over?

So I highly doubt he'd just give it away at the end of H20.

Even if that body was swapped, why would that poor sap come after Strode so violently in the manner he did before she lopped his head off, and as if the paramedics wouldn't have taken that silly mask off him back at the school? Just like 'Halloween 5-Ply' sitting in a jail cell smoking with the mask on. This is so 'Bold and the Beautiful' stuff.

It's not even the same dude either - what body swap? They're two different people! When Laurie takes to Myers head with the ax, he has the same frizzy hair, but in Part 8, the dude with the moustache has inch-long hair all combed back with gel.

Children of the Corn (2020)

Why Were These Children Even Born?

[1/10 · 31 May 2024]

So, is this a prequel to the original? A re-imagining of the original? Or part 10, 11, or whatever the hell they're up to? I'm not the biggest fan of the franchise, so I'll sit neutral on the fence with this one and give an honest and fair assessment.

Elijah Wood steps out of the field of dreams, suffering the effects of too much Tranq, with his skin all blistered and rotting off. Not of sound mind, he proceeds to murder 15 people for no reason.

We're then introduced to what looks like either Gertie from ET or Martha Plumpton and Will Wheaton from 'Stand by Me.' Or is it David from 'Grandmother's House?'

Some kids go all 'Lord of the Flies' and sentence one of their own to death in a game of walk the plank.

So far, no good.

That scarecrow episode of 'Round the Twist' is creepier than this.

Is that Matthew McConaughey? One of his eyes is crooked.

A town hall meeting is held to humiliate children and sell out their livelihoods in exchange for government subsidies.

It's kind of like that episode of 'The Wonder Years' where the kids tried to save Harper's Woods, but outside officials want to steamroll the crops and cripple any income as they're trying to appease the UN or some climate regime that wants everyone to invest in solar panels. In the Wonder Years, the kids lost out, but I'm assuming in this movie the kids possess some supernatural powers aided by an entity in the cornfields who has other ideas. Been there, done that.

The protagonist in this movie is a body-positive orphan who's only 8 years old but tries to act with the maturity of an adult. I don't buy her sinister leadership for one second. The movie couldn't be bothered explaining her connection to the ghost creature out in the field of dreams. I feel that this lack of neglect dishonors me and spits in my face. It's too late to course correct this laziness as the movie's wrapped and permanently pressed, so on face value, I believe this was done on purpose, which causes me shame and is reprehensible, and I'll reserve judgment 'til my final rating score.

With not much of a plot, the depressive kids believe their future lies in corn harvesting and are willing to kill for it as adults start facing public executions.

Shouldn't they have gone after the government officials waiting with the bulldozers?

This is sort of an extension of Biff Tannen's corrupt-run version of the 80s.

All the parents are rounded up and buried alive in one of those 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3' body pits.

It's not properly explained what possessed the kids to become such murderous villains. One scene of them chanting and picking corn doesn't make 'em the devil's advocate.

This is farfetched watching these children wield this much power over the adults. Not once do any of the adults try to attack the little mongrels. Where'd they obtain this level of governance anyway? They're just 7-year-olds.

This Gertie character with the Wizard of Oz strawman hair just keeps jumping from one desperation to another with a silly expression on her face all the time. Why didn't she leave town back at the start, as promised?

Around the one-hour, four-minute mark, you can pickle me in the last crusade's wooden cup of liquid life, as this scene is a direct rip-off of 'King Kong.' Jessica Lange's all chained up, waiting for the CGI creature to Jurassic Park its way through the cornfield, and I have to ask, "Who may you be, sir?" Is it the tree giant from 'Lord of the Rings 2?' There goes Gertie again, shaking like a leaf with a stupid expression on her face as the kids turn on her.

She's doused in some sex oil lubricant to make her escape all that much slipperier.

What's all the delay and hesitation in giving Gertie all these second chances? They've given her so many get-out-of jail-free cards.

The body-positive demon child has Gertie point blank range with a starter gun, but she gives her yet another Monopoly card, which Gertie repays by lighting up the cornfield and burning it all down.

Another soulless movie that wasn't required or asked for.

Butchers (2020)

Texas "Wrong Turn" Massacre

[2/10 · 30 May 2024]

Oh, it's one of these movies with heaps of distributors.

Red Hound Films, Black Mandala, Grime House (nothing a little bleach won't fix up), NW9 (British zipcode,) and Null & Void.

'Butchers' starts out with two grave robbers being disturbed by a couple who break down due to a radiator overheating in subzero temperatures. Yeah right.

This guy, Owen, is masking a British accent.

They take young Celeste hostage while her boyfriend is dressed for supper and diced into bite-size pieces. He'd probably go well with a sweet and sour sauce and jasmine rice.

Cutting from a cold winter to a warm summer in half a day, we find out that Celeste is 8 months pregnant now and still held hostage.

The movie completely shifts to some found footage subplot from '98, and we're introduced to four straight A students who also blow a gasket.

This is 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' inspired. We've seen this movie before. Throw in a bit of 'Wrong Turn' and there's 'Butchers.'

This movie's defining the 90s with this dude's Edward Furlong T2 hair.

At the 18-minute mark, can someone explain to me the purpose of the smoke being blown? Are they conveying that we're in the Smoky Mountains, or something? Surely it's not the steam still coming off the car?

Okay, so the movie's alternating between two stories. The last movie I watched did the same thing, and I rated it a 1/10.

Wow, a hitchhiker with a Polaroid camera taking strangers pictures. "It's a good picture."

What's the random smoke supposed to be representing? Nothing's smoldering in the woods. Where's it coming from?

Wow, Sally's just been captured and had the potato sack placed over her head. What next? "I had to lock up and get the lights. The cost of electricity is enough to drive a man out of business."

Can we confirm the source of the smoke, please? Is it a mosquito coil burning? Or is someone on set barbecuing lunch for the cast and crew?

Is that Australian actor, Shane Jacobson?

Two brothers live out on the Sawyer farmstead. One runs the local gas station with no fuel. Surprise surprise. The other's dyslexic and reminds me of a kid in high school who used to read one word per 10 minutes.

Prior to the 52-minute mark, the movie had a dialog tone from 'Deranged' and 'Seven.'

The brothers keep some kind of 'Goonies' Sloth locked away that's yet to be revealed. It reminds me of that other movie, 'Terror Circus,' aka 'Nightmare Circus.' Or it wouldn't surprise me if that hairy sewer monster from 'Big Trouble in Little Trouble' pops out of there.

I'm not a fan of these movies where people are held against their will and tortured.

Shane Jacobson reminds me of General Bethlehem.

John Carpenter blew cigarette smoke across a scene in 'Halloween' but someone on set in this movie is pulling major bongs with all this movie pollution.

The two girls escape captivity. Jenna and Taylor are porno names, come to think about it. They're recaptured by another deviant of Toht variety, or Clarence Boddicker, possibly? Either Jenna or Taylor are eviscerated.

I fast-forwarded that self-inflicted stab scene.

See, this is the problem with these 'Saw' type movies - they've got no class. Everything's become explicit today, and nothing's left to the imagination. 74's 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' handled it well without much blood being spilled or smoke billowing out of nowhere. Even 'The Conjuring' handled an R-rated movie without going to extremes.

I love horror movies; I've been raised on 'em since I was 5, but I'm not a fan of extreme torture shown graphically. Hitchcock knew how to work suspense and left the viewer to ponder the outcome of some scenarios. You don't have to be this gory to impress.

Finally, Shane Jacobson is blown to Hades by the pretty boy with T2 hair. Everything's coming to a close. People are dropping like flies.

Oh boy, what is this? Around the one-hour, 26-minute mark, Jason from Manhattan - yes, the toxic sludge Jason - is released, and he looks like the Toxic Avenger and sounds like the son of Gothmog. (Bet ya had to Google that.) Did the other brother say, "Sic 'em, boy," when he released the Orc? Didn't the lady in a recent Chainsaw movie say the same thing? Sic 'em, cuzz, or something?

Everyone perishes except the dyslexic dude, who was probably the Viggo "Tex" Mortensen of this movie.

It leaves the door open for part two.

Oh boy, I just checked IMDb; there is part two.

I fold.

Haunting of the Queen Mary (2023)

Hooey of Holey Moley

[1/10 · 28 May 2024]

Is this the boat that was docked in Florida last December? Or the one permanently moored in Long Beach, California? Either way, get your boarding passes ready and hoist anchors, me matey's. Let's sail these deadly seas and scold ourselves while sipping rickety-rackety royal tea on her majesty's tugboat.

The movie starts out in 1930-something. The last numeral looks Egyptian.

Yeah, this is the boat docked in the shady districts of LA. I believe you're allowed to do sleepovers like a YHA today for a price.

Is this the story of Francis Tumblety, America's answer to Jack the Ripper?

Wow, and I thought 'Pet Cematary: Bloodlines' was in need of some lighting.

The story cuts away from the Halloween party on the boat to a little fella rollin' around Crenshaw Boulevard, and his lisp reminds me of my science teacher in year 10. Why does this little dude have a British accent when his mother's American?

This 30s karaoke singer just pronounced the word substance - soob-stance.

Wasn't this little Lukas dude an Ewok on the forest moon of Endor? The Ewok walks with back pain, even with suspender braces on.

The movie could have extended the courtesy with some times and dates when alternating between the past and the present.

The unmasked Ewok kid was just eliminated from the movie by drowning, while his mother is being guided by the saxophonist from INXS and given a tour of the Queen Mary as she's writing a book. Around the 27-minute mark, the modern-day elitist comes up with this line: "We could capture fascinating details in our book in a wholly original way." In other words, she wants to re-imagine history and have inclusion inserted into Queen Mary's history. Yeah, just twist the facts to suit a modern-day narrative of lies and baloney.

What the hell? The unmasked Ewok drowned just a few minutes ago, yet here he is strolling around eating a frozen snow cone. They don't serve those on this boat! And he's alive again without explanation?

Zorro shows up in a cameo and asks a six-year-old girl for a dance.

The movie's lost me.

The unmasked Ewok drowned at the start, then another subplot has him committing suicide out of a window in the suburbs somewhere in a black-and-white flashback.

From what I can gather, Barry Manilow and Shirley Temple perform some hotfooted jazz tapping, which overheats the boiler room, and this domino effect causes her father to turn into the living dead because the cards he was dealt turned out to be deadly.

All this crap about ghosts on haunted ships is just rubbish. Anyone who's been on a boat for more than two hours knows that the sun hitting the ripples on the water gives you motion sickness to the point of going stir crazy and seeing things.

I'm being persistent with you, movie, but you're not making much sense.

Why is this guy with the ax going all Ashy Slashy for?

Ow, Clair De Lune plays in the background as anarchy cripples the 1930s storyline. Funny how we stereotype that era with crusty old Gramophones.

Hands up, who's ever seen a ghost? And I'm not talking about your Gregorian spirit guide in the astral realm, either. Thought so!

I don't believe in any of that haunted mansion stuff either. Nothing concrete has ever materialized.

Shirley Temple just bought it with a pair of scissors, and the movie needs all this murder in the 30s to happen for the dead souls to roam the bowels of the ship in the present time. I mean, bows.

You're not going to believe this, but the Queen Mary apparently runs on a human battery. It's like 1980's 'Death Ship' in that it needs human blood as a substitute to oil the engines.

At the one hour, 29 minute mark, the hallway lights are on, even though the saxophonist from INXS said earlier that the power's out 'til tomorrow.

And I thought she was writing a book. Never once do you see her with a pad and pen in her hand.

Why is there a sole Nazi on board?

Can anyone else make out what's on screen near the end when the Titanic's sinking? It's so dark that it leaves me questioning what I'm actually looking at.

Okay, so why do the end credits go as long as the movie's running time? And why'd they show them twice? Just to be annoying? Are they trying to hypnotize you with those split credits at the end?

Movies today just leave you hollow, empty, and full of questions.

I'm still trying to figure out why the guy with the ax turned all Evil Dead for no good reason. Surely that tap dance number didn't induce any evil spirits?

Sometimes after I finish watching a movie, I sit in my room for a few minutes staring into nothing, asking questions of reason, and cursing my brain for not being educated enough to decipher motion picture riddles and mysteries.

This movie's truly a riddle box of confusion and poorly planned design.

The Mean One (2022)

Rated G for Garbage

[1/10 · 25 May 2024]

Is this Dr. Seuss public property now, like Mickey Mouse and Pooh Bear? So as soon as they fall into the hands of the public, do we have to degrade them as violent-tempered serial killers?

The movie starts out with a home invasion as Santa ransacks a family's stash while enticing a little girl. The mother's paternal instincts to protect her brood kick in, and she locks horns with Saint Nick, and they go hammer and tong. He's clobbered with an oversized German Nutcracker; she's impaled by the Nutcrackers staff.

This all unfolds in front of the little girl, who then labels Santa devious, so he's no longer the loveable, chubby face of Coca-Cola anymore.

I bet this movie was designed by those left-wing hypocrites, of non-Christian variety, in Hollywood still trying to destabilize the conservative establishment. It's revolting that entertainment today has been hijacked by activists. They're led up by The Nanny and go on strike, wanting more money to produce rubbish like this general garbage. The standards have declined and dropped over the last 20 years, yet they want more.

What looks like Jennifer Capriati and Malcolm McDowell return to the house where her mother was robbed and killed by Santa Claus some twenty years ago.

This dysfunctional McDowell guy is overacting his role, trying too hard to be funny, but just comes across as a pretentious, annoying so and so. Never mind; they just wrote him out of the script.

Wow, they have to green screen two fish swimming around in a bowl.

You're turning stale by the minute, movie.

Hmm, her father just died, yet here she is off mountain climbing and smiling from ear to ear the next day.

Look at Hollywood mocking tradition. They wouldn't have dared do this back in the 1950s.

That entire roadside diner scene wasn't even intriguing. And this Grinch killer isn't even menacing or inspiring. Its origins aren't even explained either. This amateur garbage is every bit the indie film it aimed for. The actors and storyline are putrid and have about as much appeal as Paris Hilton's music career. I was going to say a hundred-dollar turkey for sale with an expiration date good for yesterday in my analogy, but is Paris Hilton any better than an out-of-date turkey?

The Grinch just dismembered a chef in a diner, and it's just cheap shock value, not even filmed well. He then kills the mayor in the trunk of a car that lacks any creativity.

Boy has this movie backfired for all involved and been presented in cheap form. Great DVD cover, but lousy, amateurish outcome filmed so cheaply with Windows '97 video editing equipment.

Hollywood's incompetence is on full display with another poorly thought-out, lackluster presentation here.

Go to the one-hour, eight-minute mark with this woeful writing in lyrical verse. "Dashing through the snow, something about a sleigh, Oreo's don't go, laughing all the way. Bells on Bobby-Bob. Bobby Bobby Bobby-Bob." Was that supposed to be funny? Do you think you're Ben Stiller or something?

This is what the writers at SAG-AFTRA went on strike for, and they want more money for it?

I don't go to the cinema anymore, and I hardly buy physical media any longer, as I'm not paying for the privilege to be insulted and humiliated by the current crop left in charge of the Hollywood entertainment industry today. I borrowed this movie from the library yesterday and raced it straight back first thing this morning.

It's unforgiveable what Hollywood is doing to film today with their hidden agendas. You're all incompetent movie makers today who direct nothing but straight to DVD subpar trash that should only be released on Betamax.

Honestly, I don't know who greenlights this crap to be released to the general public. They're obviously failing in their positions to protect the public as well.

If this is supposed to be a comedy, I haven't laughed once. And if it's supposed to be a horror movie, it's not even scary with this hairy green eggs and ham Muppet.

What looks like Amy Schumer and Michael Caton rage war on the Grinch at the end, similar to how Laurie Strode built a fortress out of her house, but their plan is foiled and they make mistakes like bumbling fools. Wow, candy cane firearms! Aren't we clever? Did SAG-AFTRA just earn their pay rise to come up with that doozie?

I bet they were laughing their asses off the entire time while filming this, thinking they were sneaky, snide, and clever, but little are they aware the joke's on them, as I expect low ratings on this movie when I check IMDb. I see there are a lot of fake 10/10 reviews from the cast and crew written online.

I'll award it one point for being clearer than that 'Pet Cematary: Bloodlines' garbage I watched last night.

Wherever they got the actors from for this movie, send 'em back to the knackery they came from! Atrocious.

All aspects of this movie are F.

All acting: F.

Story: F.

Lines: F.

Humor : F.

Horror: F.

Entertainment value: F.

Interest: F.

Re-watch value: as above.

I guess the only good thing it had going for it, and the viewer, was that it was short in running time.

Go to hell with this garbage!

Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)

Poop Smog Baloney

[2/10 · 24 May 2024]

Pet Sematary Bloodlines is where actors crawl their way out of an ancient burial ground in an attempt to revive their failing acting careers.

It's a wonder Ed Gein didn't search this place out with his mother, Augusta.

That's right, Church was the cat in the original movie. I haven't seen that since the early 90s. Part 2 had Zowie the dog with some decent music, but unfortunately, hack Edward Furlong was in it to spoil the enjoyment. I won't even mention that hideous remake from 2019. It sits in the same cellar vault as that recent 'Exorcist: Belieber' silliness.

Well, stop right here at the two-minute mark, and let's dissect this scene for some clarification.

One, is that Ben Affleck?

Two, am I watching 'Jarhead' again with all the oil smoke in the air?

Three, is a horse going to appear suddenly and beg for either water or leniency?

The scene's so dark I can't make heads or tales out of what's on screen.

Affleck drags the carcass of an unknown assailant and consults Dr. Challis' poison.

What looks like Joaquin Phoenix crossed with Edward Cullen and Hayden Panettiere are hippies and have every intention of joining the peace corps to avoid going off and fighting in Vietnam. They only make it half a mile out of Lodi when one of Hitchcock's birds missiles into their path and derails their travel plans.

Trespassing on private property, they're set upon by Australia's own Red Dog, who's rabid and puts Blondie in the ICU. (At the end of the movie, she winds up in Pennywise's cobweb lair in some gooey substance.)

This movie reminds me of 'Dead of Night,' where that dead war veteran returned and walked around like the living dead. In this movie, that would be Timmy. A typical modern-day actor puts little effort into his role, like most of the other actors as well.

Could someone show any enthusiasm by being in a motion picture today? Is it just a formality to land a role in a movie today and tick it off your list?

Apparently the Ben Affleck twit at the start hauled Timmy to the rich soils of the pet sematary and dipped him in the rich goodness of the loam, which energizes dead souls back to living form. You'd think when the dog bit Blondie, she'd turn into the dead as well.

A posse of vigilantes is headed up by Jackie Brown, who was just assaulted by Perth's rabid Red Dog and sports poor movie prosthetic scars on her face.

The movie revolves around three former rent boys who were affectionate toward one another when growing up but now have been wedged apart by outside influences and maturity. The movie cares very little to spend too much time explaining this upbringing storyline, just like the subplot explaining how the town of Lodi got its name from some pioneer zombie who loitered with undesirables and was brainwashed into becoming a murderous citizen.

Know your enemies! The movie also doesn't explain why Timmy's so upset with all his neighbors. Surely he's not killing townsfolk out of a grudge from the past? Is his beef because his two other bros ghosted him and went in other directions?

I'm hazarding a guess by saying that this unmotivated Ben Affleck fella would still express this much emotion if he signed a billion-dollar movie contract. And if he slept with five girls at once, I bet he'd express this same jubilation as well.

Near the end of the movie, it turns all 'Jarhead' again, with the burnt oil smoking the place out, making visibility impossible for the viewer. Would someone mind taking my hand and guiding me to the promise land of Baywatch, where you can clearly see what's happening on screen? They did clear up all the smog in LA, though, didn't they?

Apparently the movie comes down to the hippy having his 'Southern Comfort' moment at the end to make up for his lack of participation in the armed forces overseas.

The movie's so polluted, I think I'm positively identifying a monster from 'Xtro' cocooning Hayden Panettiere in some Pennywise spider goo while elsewhere a Mexican gang member takes down Timmy with a flare gun. Didn't Anthony Michael Hall try to waste himself in 'The Breakfast Club' with the same tool but fail? Well, in this movie, the Mexican thug is a dead shot and kills Timmy with fire.

I can't be bothered explaining how none of the actors act in the manner in which people did back in '69, as their foul modern-day tongues and attitudes didn't match that circa. It doesn't even look like 1969, either.

Yet another horrible modern-day movie has come and gone without leaving its mark in the cinema universe.

Seriously, stop filming movies altogether if you've exhausted all avenues of storytelling.

These stories have been told before.

The Jester (II) (2023)

Terrifier Wannabe

[1/10 · 23 May 2024]

The Jester - who's he? The Joker's cousin?

Never heard of him!

Oh, so now the playing card entertainer is sinister with clown connotations?

The movie starts out with "John" being stalked by haunting memories of his dead daughter. He looks more like a Deputy Josh from 'Jason Goes to Hell' than a John. "John" commits suicide in front of a mime artist who mocks his every move. That would be the Jester. Nice suit; it looks like something Swanky would wear in 'Donkey Kong Country 2.' I think the Jester is just a poor man's version of Terrifier with a touch of Nicholson's Joker.

A funeral is held for "John," and only a handful of high school students attend the aging, bald man's service.

The movie manages to get the beautiful, auburn-colored trees right for this time of year, unlike a lot of other Halloween movies. I'm looking at you, 'Halloween 5-Ply.'

The Jester shows up when the service is over, making a "clown" of himself while harassing a pair of grave diggers. It might be hard to digest what I'm about to tell you, but he has force powers like a Jedi.

Two stepsisters are reunited in a dead-end town in the middle of somewhere America.

No background story is given on how the Jester came to be. At least tell us if he fell in a vat of acid or crawled out of the red zones of East Detroit.

Hmm, a weed-induced shower story is told, and I take it the viewer has to be high themselves like the characters in the movie to laugh along with them as I'm not laughing, meaning I'm not high. All I'm on right now is a steroid cream to combat the itchy dyshidrosis. It's painful to write my review down, as my fingers and thumb feel like a bee stung 'em.

The movie's being dragged down around the 37-minute mark with these four 20-something teens who are mourning Halloween night in dedication to the dead bald dude "John," while elsewhere the Jester keeps hitting on a band member from Joan Jett's Black Hearts.

This party of four all look like Jehovah Witnesses on their day off.

The Jester continues to badger the rock chick with his mime tricks.

Twisty the Clown had a better permanent smile on his face than this Terrifier wannabe.

Didn't this Demi Lovato chick just bury her father only a few hours ago? Then why's she attending a haunted roadside attraction if she's in mourning?

Come on, movie, I'm trying to enjoy your presentation, but you're not too sure of yourself. They're trying to set the pace right, but it's not shifting into second gear when it should. They filmed that rock chick being tormented on the street by the Terrifier one too many times. It played out the first time.

The Terrifier's cousin turns up in a bottle shop searching for soda pop and only catches a bullet from an officer's revolver, and I believe it's another movie error as he catches the entire bullet whole. It doesn't work this way, and I explained all this only last week in my 'Wolves' review of how bullets actually work.

Even though he committed suicide and was buried, "John" shows up at the haunted roadside attraction, as does the Terrifier's cousin. Wasn't he just in town at the bottle shop? How can he be out here in the woods, some miles away, at the same time? Let me guess, he can fly too, right?

You'd think it being Halloween and me saying this town is dead would be a compatible combination, but there's no life around these parts. They're just going around in circles. No other actors are in the background.

"John's" back, reimagining his suicide but using the rock chick as a substitute to fill his shoes.

Like in 'Ash vs. Evil Dead' season 3, the rock chick dies and goes to the other side, and it's truly great, just like the Jamaican Voodoo Posse leader said.

This movie's lost me with this twist, though. It's confusing.

The rock chick stabs and kills her half-sister for no reason other than being goaded by illusions, then talks riddles in a closing statement to a headstone in a cemetery. She's reborn as a new person full of life and encounters her dead half-sister in a bar again, and the end credits roll.

What any of the Terrifier's cousin, in the swanky orange suit, had to do with the family committing suicide is beyond the realms of explanation. There's no connection between his storyline and their personal battles.

The movie's combined 'American Horror Story,' 2007's 'Trick 'r Treat,' 'Terrifier' and 'Black Phone' in a blender of poor storytelling.

It's poorly written, directed, and executed.

Maybe the reason why modern-day movies are horrible doesn't lie in the actual movies themselves but in the idiots behind the scenes at SAG-AFTRA. I haven't seen one good movie when their moniker appears at the end credits of any modern-day movie. It's like they're deliberately not even trying.

The Haunting of the Tower of London (2022)

British Bin Collection Night

[1/10 · 22 May 2024]

What, is this England's answer to 'A Haunting in Connecticut?' Aren't all the Towers of London tourist destinations today?

The movie starts out with King Henry the 8th and his merry men stealing a Super Mario Brothers power-up box that contains used-up humans living beyond their means. Yeah, right - a treasure chest full of human remains of little to no value.

Queen Elizabeth 2 is informed of the dead-end find while King Edward lies in wait to replace a dying jester who refuses to kick the bucket. This King Edward of Glasgow reminds me of Vern Schillinger from 'Oz.' (I never did finish watching that series, and I don't know if he ever got his hands on Beecher.)

Meatloaf's dad is sent to the gulag and tries to cut a deal with Annie Wilkes in a conspiracy of murderous proportions.

This movie's like part two of some 'Game of Thrones' series. It just starts like it's a sequel to another movie and the viewer is supposed to know the story off by heart like a continuation from another story.

Among the suspects is none other than Santa Claus, who's loitering around a young lass. They conduct a seance with a famous carpenter lookalike who summons Mary Peabody, Santa Claus' excommunicated mistress, who causes division between Mrs. Claus and the young wee lass Santa's so fond of.

Not making any sense, a demon from Lamberto Bava's movie, or The Fly's mother, plays ring a ring rosy and warns twits not to go to Center Point Tower or Humpty Dumpty's Bridge; otherwise, all the king's men will ship you off down under to face the wrath of the space needle tower gizmo.

Around the 31-minute mark, the tower displays wall paper, which I highly doubt even existed back in this era.

Vern Schillinger goes to town on Annie Wilkes with her own dagger for treason, then interrogates the famous carpenter from biblical times.

In a shock twist, for anyone who even cares, Santa Claus is murdered for encroachment while his mistress is tortured for espionage.

This dude thinks he's the king from 'Lord of the Rings 3.' A naked torso is captured and whipped by a squidgy wonder mop that absorbs ten times more spillage and holds more slippage than a ShamWow.

A monk hooks up with the famous carpenter lookalike, and they exchange intimate fantasies about dead women and conspire to have Vern Schillinger murdered. A hit is then put out on him, and a bag of jewels is the asking rate.

The monk and Zelda, looking dapper in his red-strength power suit, dig up a corpse and steal a ruby dispenser amulet. Where Zelda came from in the storyline, I have no idea. They then strip down and give each other a sponge bath, bicker over odds and ends, and decide who gets to wear the ruby power bracelet.

It turns out Vern Schillinger was having a fling with Queen Elizabeth II, much to Jack Black's displeasure. Yeah, I didn't mention him before, as he was bedridden and just a bit player in the movie, dying on his death bed.

The monk becomes a patsy and is given an enema with a metal fly trap.

Is that Malcolm McDowell fella supposed to be Alistaire Crowley?

The big finale comes down to the famous carpenter lookalike calling upon band members from KLF, still dressed in their silk robes and horns, to raise the dead to take down Crowley. They stab him with a Castlevania power tool, as he's really a vampire who loses his jaw from shock. No doubt, in part two, they'll gather all his pieces back together again, like you-know-who, and release the revenge again.

The DVD cover is awesome, and the synopsis was intriguing, but the movie failed to deliver on all counts.

This is another movie I've borrowed from the library, and I'm a self-confessed imbecile for watching the crap I do most nights.

Entertainment today is just plain stupid.

Slotherhouse (2023)

Teeny Bopper Movie

[3/10 · 17 May 2024]

The movie starts out with a Florida Animal Kingdom animatronic getting owned by a gator, only to come out on top in triumph, only to be owned again by Jurassic Park poachers.

We cut to a dead mall in America somewhere with two budget actors window shopping as retail's dead and everything's too expensive anyway. One bumps into an Andor-looking immigrant selling black market sloths via an 'American Psycho' business card.

Pause the movie around the 5:30 minute mark, and this music and actress are why I hate modern-day movies.

GabbaDabbaDo is kind of pretty sporting glasses, but I'm sitting here like a deluxe stool sample, hating every second of the opening to the movie.

We cut to some Sigma Apple Pie frat house full of modern-day left-wing activists, and I'm recalling horrible flashbacks of that 2006 'Black Christmas' remake.

I wonder if PETA had a hand in assisting some of the actresses in this.

Check out the overreacting at the 10-minute mark of the transvestite with the samurai sword. What's her voice? She sounds like Godzilla inhaling helium and then speaking through the blades of an active fan.

Annoying text messages keep popping up on the screen, and if you want me to invest in their background, then give me more than two seconds to read all that information.

I'm only 14 minutes into this movie, and I want out. (Editor's note: it warms up in the middle part, I guess.)

The Andor guy becomes the first humanoid species to be claimed by the Florida animatronic murderer. The movie failed to explain why it's so murderous and out for revenge on anything and everyone.

The animatronic is just like Frank Oz' Yoda when Luke picks it up on Dagobah and assists it from point A to point B manually.

Wasn't this chick in 'Terminator: Dark Fate?'

"Say Sigma Later Theta." Say, "Brushed, washed, peeled potato!"

This isn't a frigging horror movie; it's 'Mean Girls' on a budget with movie extras posing as actors. They're like background noise in that Katy Perry TGIF music clip. This movie's for 13-year-old girls who listen to Spice Girls and still cling to their My Little Pony's. I bet Britney Spears sister would have watched this kind of crap when she was 13.

The animatronic knows how to use a laptop, order a pizza, and drop mickey's into chicks drinks. Add umpiring a murderball game, too. How about driving a car later?

Maybe your best defense against this movie is to stand at ease and not take it so seriously if you want to enjoy it. It's harmless fun for the possessed One Direction crowd.

Major points have to be awarded for that chick falling face first in the dog poop. I got a laugh out of it, considering I was the immaculate stool sample earlier in the movie.

Like in 'All Cheerleaders Die,' the good girl turns into something she's not in an attempt to become class president or something. It's all about popularity in this shallow world.

The snitch working on PETA's behalf is turned into turkey Spam for trying to steal the animatronic voodoo monkey. Even though she's splattered by a vehicle somehow, she also becomes the savior at the end. It's reminiscent of Rumer Willis or Carrie Fisher coming to the aid of everyone at the end of 'Sorority Row.' Another equally worthless movie in the vein of 'Black Christmas.'

Is that Brie Larson running the bath?

Rollin' in a five-point owe, with the flat top down so its hair can blow. Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know. Oh brother. You kind of have to laugh at this Mustang scene. You're testing me, movie.

The movie's strictly for Taylor Swift or Aaron Carter fans when he sang that Crush on You song.

Speaking of Taylor Swift, was that song at the end credits inspired by Blank Space? You'd swear it was Taylor singing it.

And judging by all the un-English names at the end credits, I'd say this movie was filmed in some uninhabitable country where electricity is powered by all the rage left-wing campus activists whip up.

Thanksgiving (I) (2023)

Another Scream Sequel

[3/10 · 16 May 2024]

Oh yes, Eli Roth, the hip new cat who thinks he's the Quentin Tarantino of horror who goes straight for the jugular.

There's something you don't see in movies anymore: the TriStar White Horse introduction.

Is that Bruce Springsteen? He arrives at a soiree for elders and brings a butterscotch pie, minus the layer of cream.

Is Turkie going to make an appearance in this movie?

A Black Friday sales scene reminds me of a video online some years ago where workers in a store down in Mexico filmed themselves opening the shutters from the inside and expecting thousands of customers to be waiting outside, but not one person was there.

Personally, I like the Boxing Day tightwads who bullrush the doors and trample over each other in their stampede to save thirty bucks on a bath towel.

This is what I'm talking about at the 11-minute mark! A full-scale riot erupts, and judging by their out-of-control behavior, these looters aren't going to pay for any of these purchases. This scene's awesome. Bash him over the head with the waffle maker box! Use that shopping cart as a battering ram! The sales won't last all day. Hurry while stocks last.

The opening reminds me of that 2004 'Dawn of the Dead' remake with all the cars out of control.

Is this the 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' of 2024?

Around the 21-minute mark, Roth steals the Michael Myers scene where he's standing outside Laurie's school from the original 'Halloween.'

Why am I picking up 'V for Vendetta' vibes about this movie?

The movie's coasting along fine, but it could do without all the excessive and unnecessary F bombs, and I'm not impressed with the young cast of high school kids they've dished up, as none of them are likeable.

I'm also picking up vibes from the 2012 'Silent Night' movie as well.

'Thanksgiving' can do without the kids scrolling through their phones, but it continues to insist on it. We see this every day of our lives; in reality, why do we need to see it for entertainment?

"Be careful who you trust," says the Bruce Springsteen lookalike. Is the cop the killer in this? Didn't Dermot Mulroney turn out to be the killer in that New York 'Scream' movie? And didn't he say the same thing?

How convenient for the movie that a parade is coming up and a decoy killer is dressed exactly like the real murderer.

A goober chucker?

Is that Eliza Dushku? She looks like Rose Byrne.

This is one of those 'Scream'-like guessing game movies. Once you've seen it, there's no rewatch value, as you know who the killer is the second time around, meaning the suspense has been taken out of it.

I used to wear contact lenses once. They dry out and become uncomfortable.

I always think that Eli Roth and Ti West are competing to see who can go overboard with their violence. They've got the same brand of violence, and I'm not a fan of Eli Roth's phony prosthetics. Those innards-looking gizzards when the Russian chick got split open looked so fake.

Is there really any justification for all these murders? All over a discount sale at the start? That's your basis and reasoning for murdering locals?

This Guy Fawkes rip-off reminds me of the idiot on the video cover of 'Black Phone.'

The killer opts for that crazy 2016 killer clown look to disrupt the street parade and captures Dushku and some others. One of them is basted in oil and seasoned with salt, pepper, and a sprig of - what is that? Thyme or parsley? The scene's so dark, I can't make out the killer's movements or who is stored in the freezer. I don't even know which character is being trussed up and baked in the human-sized oven. They make 'em that big today, do they? I bet they don't make oven bags that size. Did he just stick a thermometer in her? I wouldn't know, as it's so dark. But be sure to cook meat properly and not underdone.

At the 1 hour and 22 minute mark, can we get some lighting on set, please? What am I looking at here exactly?

I guessed this movie from the outset! It's the doctor fella from 'Grey's Anatomy.' The Bruce Springsteen lookalike with the Butterscotch cake at the start minus the Cool Whip. I knew it.

How could he be the killer back at the street parade when he was controlling traffic with thousands of people and co-workers around him? Did no one notice him slip out to change into the clown costume?

I say it all the time when it comes to horror movies: leave the mask on! Don't reveal that it's just a common human underneath. It's as disappointing as finding out they were just humans underneath the Slipknot masks.

A silly deleted dream sequence that should have been included in the bonus features is included in the movie at the very end.

The movie also leaves the door wide open for a sequel, where next time it'll be the killer's son or daughter getting in on the act.

This movie quickly nose-dived and plummets to obscurity.

I could never watch this a second time, and I'm glad I borrowed it from the library and didn't pay to see it at the movies or buy it from a store.

The Dark (I) (2018)

The Dank

[1/10 · 7 May 2024]

'The Dark.' How original. There are already a few other movies released under this title.

For a movie called 'The Dark,' it starts out in broad daylight as a violent priest, Irvin Kershner, is on the run and heading to Devil's Den to bathe in a spiritual lake to cleanse himself like The Mandalorian.

I hope he's not the star of the movie.

Arriving at a cabin in the woods, Kershner helps himself to free accommodation. Realizing he's not alone and trespassing, Kershner is given a bit of 'Home Alone' treatment by a minor, then stalked through the woods, and a high five for the little zombie girl who plants a tomahawk in Kershner's skull and writes him out of the script.

This little zombie chick hasn't been immunized for tetanus, herpes, rabies, or distemper. Lord knows she's also dabbled in that flesh-eating Tranq crap as well as all her flesh is rotting away.

What the hell does anything mean so far after only 30 minutes? I have no idea.

Some Lost Boys with bad dermatology issues dwell in an abandoned house with next to nothing to do, and I haven't seen this fountain of youth spring water as promised.

50 minutes into this movie, and I've already titled my review The Dank. Nothing from here on in can boost its 1/10 rating.

It's batting zero, meaningless and without direction. Another lazy and unnecessary product of today's times.

Apparently the movie's aboot, I mean about two kids, with extreme scabies, who flee into the woods after Kershner did a stick-up and murder at the start and then became a victim himself. How that was connected to any of these demon children, I have no clue.

They venture off on a 'Stand By Me' tour, and it's not explained why they suffer from facial disfigurements or act like zombie vampires.

I spoke too soon. A flimsy flashback subplot tells of Ritchie Tozier taking to the little Ellie Arroway girl before she became a vampire with one of those Christmas water snow globes. I believe he then buries her? No foundation was laid at the start, so why should I care about this midway inclusion? It doesn't connect to Kershner re-enacting Bishop from 'Juice' blowing Quiles' head off at the start.

Why does this exorcist girl look like a mall shopper from 'Dawn of the Dead?'

What's the movie's objective? What's its aim? Is there a missing alternative intro to the movie they cut? Who's this kid with the grilled cheese across his eyes? Why's he acting emo all the time? What's that all aboot, I mean about? And what are they actually searching for or running away from? Who does this movie actually appeal to?

An hour and seven minutes into this, and I still have three chapters to go but very little understanding of direction or purpose of it.

Is it me? Am I not paying attention enough when watching these movies borrowed from the library? I try to give modern-day movies the benefit of the doubt, but they continue to stay on the course of lousiness.

I'm more puzzled than anything by the DVD cover with all these five-star ratings and positive appraisals, like moving and poetic. One of the best horrors of the year. Poignant and original. For real? Are we on the same page? I don't know aboot, I mean about anybody else, but what book are y'all reading from?

This is the worst piece of trash I've watched in 2024.

In a flashback subplot that serves no purpose to an already lost cause, the zombie shopper from the mall with leprosy killed her own mother, and how that enhances any contribution to an already non-existent script matters little.

An hour and twenty minutes into this movie, and it still hasn't explained what it's aboot, I mean about. Damn Canadian lingo.

It hasn't even explained the kids flesh-eating virus or who's the big boss.

Is this what today's generation calls entertainment?

The movie industry really has excluded me from its films in this here future. I grew up on film in the late 1970s and early 1980s as a kid, but today I'm disenfranchised with the direction modern-day film makers have taken. Not much today resonates with me, so I don't know why I persist with them, as they're just getting worse and worse.

Stop making movies altogether if you've run out of ideas, Hollywood. Don't just make them because you can.

I'm embarrassed to have 'The Dark' associated with my listings on IMDb here.

Jesus, an hour and 28 minutes of absolute nothing!

The Accursed (2022)

Garbage Day

[1/10 · 6 May 2024]

Screen Media. A Chicken Soup for the Soul Entertainment Company. Evolution Pictures. Ntropic Films. Head Gear. Blood Red Films. Metrol Technology.

So let me guess: without all their contributions, this movie wouldn't have been made or released, correct?

The movie starts out with Jennifer Love Hewitt vandalizing a tree in public with her foster mother's full approval.

Is that Demi Moore?

The hoodlums consult a transvestite witch doctor who grifts money for false prophecies and boldface lies. The con artist in drag summons up a demon, and it comes in the form of a fly.

I find that whenever I buy a cooked chicken from the store and take it home 10 times out of 10, a big blow-fly will be in the house. I often wonder if they're spawned from the actual cooked product, meaning we're importing the devil into our houses.

Sad days for horror movies when mainstream actress Mena Suvari has to appear in a straight-to-video movie.

After biting the finger off the tranny tarot reader, we jump three months later and find ourselves on Neibolt Street, where the leper tormented Eddie. "I know, Eddie, it's you I'm worried about, big boy."

Beth and Elanor seem to be the stars of this movie. They'd look more at home in a Lifetime drama instead.

The start of the movie is in a quagmire as two chicks sit around with airy lines to deliver like, "You're you; you're a good person." It hasn't even detailed to the viewer what we're in for, just some backpackers not granted a visa to go overseas, or something.

How am I supposed to review this movie when I don't even know what the hell is going on?

A poorly explained start to the movie sees two sisters of the divine ya ya hood all fragrant-free from the comfortable wings that make horseback riding and playing tennis a more enjoyable experience.

I had to take an oral exam in front of the entire class in year 10, and the teacher hit me with the question, "What do teenage girls do after they leave school at three?" I stood there, dumfounded, not having a clue what to say.

Elanor takes a job babysitting a dormant demon.

We meet Suvari, who's subscribed to Little House on the Prairie and sells Mormon literature in her spare time. In old age, a lot of ladies become servants to a god or demon, depending on season availability. Suvari's looking every bit the Amish farmhand.

Sitting around with nothing to do, the movie pretty much dillydallies still making its mind up in which direction it wants to go in. Well done, director; you've made a movie without putting much thought or direction into it.

As if this old bag wouldn't be committed to some palliative care service in the condition she's in.

The movie just plods from one intrigue to another. Vinyl records playing by themselves, hands crawling out of mouths, creepy kids in the distance, phone ringing jump scares, rock messages thrown at windows, dropped broken glass - none of it is explained what any of it means. You're fishing, director, fella

It might help Elanor if she turned on a light instead of getting around in the gloomy dark.

Apparently the old bag she's babysitting is deceased. For all your zombie day care center needs, just call Elanor.

One hour and ten minutes into this movie, and no one's been killed yet. I think one would be better off watching 'The Conjuring' instead.

Elanor finds Laurie Strode's 2018 trapdoor to the Evil Dead fruit cellar and discovers all this Slipknot material and other cryptic garbage down there. In a small world, it turns out her father was in a relationship with the dead lady, and at one hour and 14 minutes, I want out of this nightmare.

Mena Suvari kills Beth, and I think Suvari's role would have been better reserved for Yancy Butler. Any points generated for this movie's rating will be for Beth, who was easy on the eye.

Hannibal Lecter already did the Ed Gein face-wearing business with Lt. Boyle, so there is no originality there.

Some Venom creature shows up at the end, and I question why it didn't show up at the beginning, where it could have done more damage, instead of reducing its rampage to the last few minutes of the film. Whatever it is, it's a cross between Groot and broccoli.

Why didn't Venom catch Elanor off guard when she took the job on day one and do her in then?

What any of the hanging victims in the hospital mean at the end, I couldn't care less about.

A movie for the girls. Watch 'Bridesmaids' first, then this one if you're having a hen night. And don't forget to be fragrantly fresh.

Big Legend (2018)

Part One Only

[4/10 · 4 May 2024]

So they're still trying to force this sasquatch-bigfoot myth into the future. Everyone knows it was just a bear walking like a human through the woods and migrating from Tennessee to Florida for the warmer climate. It's as bogus as the Loch Ness Monster. How those early pioneers were so easily scared of fables and fairy tales.

Who's that, Rita Ora? She's got so much of that orange tanning cream on her face, she's literally the Minute Maid herself.

Mrs. Juicy and her grease trapper father deliberately lose themselves in the woods, as the grease trapper has every intention of getting down on one knee and probably defying the national anthem. He's got that much Brylcreem in his hair that he could lube a tribe of Tuskin Raiders surfboards or that big revolver he just whipped out.

Rita Ora's attacked and abducted by a tent, resulting in Tyler, the grease trapper, doing a stint in a medical facility, where the lady from Elm Street releases him after a one-night stay.

Is Tyler the bigfoot of the movie? It makes sense since it's Rod Zombie's Tyler Myers from 'Halloween' with the Aerosmith hair in a looney bin again.

That lady there is from 'The Fog,' right? She also starred opposite Clint Eastwood in 'Tightrope.'

Tyler meddles with a Hellraiser box in trying to unopen some memories, only to discover a digital camera that caught a still of the yeti, which causes him to go all Rambo minus the face paint. As if that camera would still have power in it after all this time.

This guy thinks he's either Donnie Darko or the Wolverine.

Why didn't Chewbacca steal the dude instead? I don't want to watch an entire movie observing a man out in the wilderness. She'd been easier on the eye.

This guy thinks he's De Niro from 'The Deer Hunter.'

He picks up artist impressions of big feet and do-do droppings along the way, meaning bare foot's still out here.

Is that Daniel Stern? Who hunts out in the woods wearing galoshes? He looks like serial killer John List with those beady eyes.

The care bear that 'Tucker and Dale' are looking for was designed by some heart medication pharmacy called Zoloft, who were experimenting on some sacred land bound by 'Blair Witch' magic, and guess who's behind it all - Weyland. I think it's a case of being contracted by the government to invent some super soldier.

This reminds me of Brody's 'Predators' in some parts.

Team Deer Hunter encounters the Predator, who fires one of those wrist projectiles that incapacitates John List below the knee.

The Deer Hunter comes face-to-face with the Expedition Everest yeti - Florida you see - but the cameraman won't show you what it looks like as it's a blurry image of the beast.

Yeah, right, a man with a broken leg, and he just hobbles off and even puts pressure on it.

They're wasting ammo on all these misfired shots. The abdominal snowman is going to pick them off once they're dry. Unless what's his name runs more Brylcreem through his hair.

Armed to the teeth, instead of hunting the yeti, they retreat like cowards and become the hunted. Come on, the beast is unarmed and stalking their every move, one step behind.

For some unknown reason, John List sacrifices himself to the Hoth Wampa like a precooked, ready-made meal. I guess he was dragging Hugh Jackman down.

The Deer Hunter goes toe-to-toe with the Hoth Monster in round one and inflicts a few dents here and there but takes one in return.

There's a Dutch moment where Arnold lights a bonfire, and I expect Jackman to roar as if to say, come get me.

He's down to sticks and stones, and I believe all ammunition is exhausted, as predicted. (I don't recall him firing off that heavy-duty rifle.)

The Dutch roar comes in the form of an annoying car horn that won't shut up.

Chewbacca takes the bait and cops a spear first up in round two. They tango and torment each other, and the Masked Singer finally reveals its face, and it's just 'Harry and the Hendersons' cousin, who roars like an elephant.

It's toasted by a propane tank, but he's still in the game, trust me.

Harold from 'Neighbors' saves Hugh Jackman, so we must be on Mount Kosciuszko.

Is that Christian Bale?

Bishop shows up at the end, reprising his role as Weyland, who recruits soldiers of fortune and mercenaries for his explorations to find alien pyramids, and the movie ends in mid-air, wanting you to stick around to tune into a sequel that'll probably never be made.

Old Man (2022)

Myers Vs Bates

[5/10 · 2 May 2024]

"Things happen here, but they don't tell about them. I see things. You see, they say that it's just an old man talking. You laugh at an old man. There's them that laugh and know better."

What have we got here, David Gordon Green's 2018 Michael Myers unmasked out living in the wilderness? So that metal munching machine never really consumed him? I knew he'd come back one way or another. Evil never truly dies, I'm told.

"Come on, old man, let's see how good you really are."

Paper St. Productions, Rubicon, Blood Oat, Title Media, Proam Studios, and Upper East Side Productions. Any advance on that? Are you about done with all the introductions?

First impressions count, and I'm still unimpressed already.

After 3 minutes are wasted with distributors and title credits, we're introduced to Michael Myers, unmasked, laying in his Long Johns and sucking his thumb like a baby. Myers did make unusual childish noises at the end of Part 6 after Paul Rudd thumped him with the lead pipe, remember?

Looking every bit his age and showing signs of dementia, Myers wakes up and forgets where he left his mask and knife. It becomes an exercise of endurance that tests his senile ways, causing him to skip breakfast as well. Gee, he even learned how to talk after all these years?

Myers Listerine involves some hooch boosted with electrolytes.

A look into Myers mind sees him conversing with taxidermy heads, so he's still not the full quid, but he's armed with Ben Meeker's shotgun.

A Mormon shows up out of the blue, resembling Norman Bates, and is taken hostage. Myers grills Bates with a barrage of questions, is very attentive, still sharp as a razor, and has a retort for every counter question. He's also humorous, as he's worried Bates is a cannibal who's going to hit him with a skillet and cook him alive. I actually laughed out loud at that one. Good stuff, 'Old Man.' (It was unusual watching them film Myers going number two later on, too. I had never seen that in a movie before.)

Where the hell is this movie going? I have no idea.

Whoops, the Mormon provides Myers with his knife. That's clever.

Bates looks like Matthew Modine or a Beastie Boy at times.

"I won't watch, darling." Hmm.

If this movie stays on course, then it's heading for a high rating as it's intriguing and has captivated my interest.

Myers is obviously tenderizing and stringing this kid along for something big.

Unless Bates has something hidden up his sleeve, then I score this 10/9, 10/9, 10/9 after 30 minutes.

I got to give another round to Myers after he donned that frilly apron. He's beating Bates at his own game. Who's mother now, Norman? I thought I just heard Pennywise say, "Girlie boy." Maybe I'm hearing things.

But listen to the truth coming out of Myers mouth.

Myers recalls campfire stories of tormenting a gospel preacher from Gatlinburg, and neither of these two have hit us with their full hand yet, so it remains a mystery what's in store for this movie. You just know something's brewing, and whether it'll boil over or fizz out is still to be revealed.

Does Norman Bates read off the dummy cards at the 57-minute mark when describing the cement theory? I still stand by my original comment that 'Pearl' was reading her lines at the end of that movie. Idiots Online wanted her nominated for an Oscar with that performance.

No one's eaten anything in this movie so far.

At the one-hour, 16-minute mark, Dr. Wynn from 'Halloween 5-Ply' enters the cabin and peels a rabbit skin right off a former living body, while Norman Bates departs the movie, never to be seen again.

Myers drinks some shroom tea, and the movie turns all fantasy-like, which is affecting my 10/10 rating. I don't understand this twist.

It seems Myers and Bates are one in the same person with an identity crisis like 'Fight Club.'

Oh boy, it seems Myers is living a perpetual cycle every day in madness, replaying the same story over and over to the point of trapped psychosis.

No wonder - he's drinking straight anti-freeze from Plainfield.

I'm going to have to drop my rating for this movie back to a 5/10.

5/10 is my I don't like it, and I don't hate it rating when it comes to movies.

I have no further comment.

Two Witches (2021)

More Than Two

[1/10 · 1 May 2024]

The DVD cover of this looks like it's from the 'Evil Dead' franchise.

Don't you just hate all the rigmarole ie drama on a DVD before a movie starts? Some of it you can't skip or fast-forward, and they force you to watch it.

'Get Smart' music plays as a baby sees blurry visions of Boogeywomen with stained yellow teeth about to sacrifice it.

I can't be bothered explaining the next scene with our star, Sarah, and her Doctor Strange boyfriend dining in a restaurant, as the movie's aim is to please me with a 1/10 rating. A Helen Mirren-like witch rudely stares at Sarah the entire time, and apparently this is what triggers the basis for the movie. She burns a picture of the average couple while chanting a taco curse at them. Hey, I heard the word taco, so don't drop this back on me. (Where'd the witch get the picture of them from?)

The salsa and cheese curse - hold the guac on mine - causes venetian blinds and doors to act funny, which causes Sarah morning sickness. No doubt due to being, um, glutenous from the night before in the restaurant. She looks like Emily London from YouTube. It seems like SAG-AFTRA hands out those labor union cards like Halloween candy to anybody these days. Where's Hollywood getting these amateur actors from for their modern-day productions? These people are a notch above indie YouTube actors.

Non-likeable cast members. No foundation was laid. Jump scares are around every corner. The toilet scene ripped off two 'Halloween' movies.

Atrocious, vulgar swearing that's unnecessary. Is there another euphemism for the F word? It's overused today for no reason and has lost any meaning or impact.

The potty mouth actors use an Ouija board to summon up The Witch from 'The Conjuring,' and it invades people's private spaces like a possession movie. What would a modern-day horror movie be without people contorting their limbs and crinking their necks?

Let's stop for a minute. The entity roaming around tormenting these people wasn't born out of an Ouija board; it originated from a restaurant while eating a meal and staring at the two leads.

Because the movie's poorly explained at the start, it doesn't connect to this Ouija board scene. The director was too eager to jump to the 'Sixth Sense' or 'The Ring' scenes with cloaked figures dawdling around, not to mention the stupid frozen faces a lot of the ghouls pull in this movie. At the very beginning, Sarah's boyfriend is in bed, shaking his head violently in the fashion of 2002's 'Night Stalker' movie. It looks dumb and represents nothing.

This lousy crap has jumped to chapter 2 with a separate story involving a character called Masha, who's literally a demon in the sack. Is that Brie Larson?

Is this connected to Sarah and Doctor Strange's story?

Wow, the best chill the movie can come up with is this Close Encounters chick munching an apple and pulling her best-possessed face while another old granny pulls Mick Jagger lips.

This is just absolute rubbish.

What are all these scarecrow people out in the woods twisting their bodies supposed to mean?

A few years back, I got into the 'American Horror Story' series, where I watched the original, season 2, and Freakshow, as it was quality TV where effort was made into performances and writing, but modern-day movies don't do anything for me as they're so amateurish. I won't mention Left-Wing Democrats taking over the entertainment industry today with their agendas, as Seinfeld already said what needed to be said about Liberals only yesterday. If you want your answer as to why modern-day movies are unwatchable, there's your answer right there. They set out to dumb down society, and boy have they succeeded.

You watch a modern-day movie today, and it's quickly discarded, never to be revisited again, as there's no re-watch value to it. Nothing's memorable anymore today.

They just chanted that taco sermon again.

Maybe my expectations going into these movies are comparing them to live up to the 'Halloween' or 'Friday the 13th' standards, as all the old classics led the way in this field, whereas all these inferior stragglers just bring the genre down as you see right through them.

I've only sat by and watched horror movies decline in quality and dipped like Disney stock shares the past ten to twenty years.

There's a bit of charm to the Masha character, but I just can't relate to the modern-day movie as it's not intended for me.

They threaten at the end of the movie that part two is coming soon, but I won't hold my breath, and I don't even care to see a follow-up.

By the way, the movie's title says it's called 'Two Witches' but there are more than two in the movie at the end, where a whole coven shows up.

Wolves (I) (2022)

What Wolves?

[1/10 · 30 April 2024]

The movie starts out with a David Attenborough exploration of the wilderness, letting us know we're in some part of the world where the sun still shines in the witching hour.

A marathon runner, Daisy, is off the leash and elopes with her love of the bitumen while other concerned family members search high and low for the 100-yard dash sprinter.

Not making any sense, the marathon runner escapee discovers a road kill, and the viewer has to draw their own conclusion about whether she used its fur for moccasins or used the flesh for crock pot stew.

Not making an ounce of sense, we cut to a mall rat shopping with hocked money, revealing his character to be of a shallow variety.

He lives with a turtle and provides it with no water.

The movie's moving at a senior citizen's pace without making any attempt to explain its intended direction, which leaves me questioning the radius-circumference inside my skull. My English teacher did write on my report card that I'm easily distracted.

This dude thinks he's Edward Norton from 'Fight Club.'

Repercussions are sought for the stolen property that was hocked earlier, and it looks like the mall rat is down on his last leg and running out of options.

Still not making any sense, the mall rat visits crime scenes of road kills where some vigilante is taking pleasure in harming animals.

The most unappealing Christmas tree can be found around the 25-minute mark. It looks like a 1992 'Seedpeople' alien. They must have paid one whole Canadian loon for that decoration.

We meet the mall rat's parents, and one's a voodoo priestess while the other's, well, never mind.

This movie's just digging itself into a hole and testing my patience.

I haven't seen any frigging wolves so far, either.

Leading the viewer down one dead end after another, the mall rat is an unpaid night crawler who spends all his time visiting mutilation sites of deceased animals and trawls online dating websites looking for similar fetishes.

Maybe I'm not educated enough, but what purpose do kneecaps serve for our bodies? Here I go again, like my English teacher warned. I guess he was right. There's still a dead mosquito on the roof of my room that's been there for 3 years now. Sometimes, when I'm watching dead-end movies like this, I look around my room and wonder if it defines me as a person.

When you're ready to start making sense, movie, go right ahead. I'm still waiting after 50 minutes.

The mall rat plays detective in search of a perpetrator who is responsible for mutilating animals in his town, of, where are we again, Winnipeg?

Not making any sense, the mall rat places himself in harm's way and renders himself a sitting target for the madman with a field trip to an isolated paddock of snow. How did he actually pinpoint this location? Who knows? Just so happens the killer is also there at the right time. How convenient.

He's grazed with an air rifle or some light caliber pistol, and I may be wrong here, but was that the casing shell he just extracted from his neck? Like in the misguided Korn video 'Freak on a Leash,' when you discharge a gun, the bullet doesn't come out complete, like a torpedo missile projectile, all intact. The hammer taps the primer, and the pellets are ejected while the shell falls by the wayside.

At the 56-minute mark, the director realizes his movie's going nowhere, so he pulls the same stunt as 'Midsommar' and films upside down, hoping the gamble will pay off, but with me, I'm looking at you with my best poker face, sir. Just push my button, Director fella.

Bill and Georgie Denbrough are introduced to the movie, and they stumble upon the grisly remains of something not revealed, which leaves the viewer to use their imagination to determine what it is. I'm guessing it's a Corey Feldman CD.

A registered library offender is shaken down and gives up the name Nate Wells, which prompts the mall rat to go undercover in a sleuth mission to expose the mysterious animal murderer. Everything's just handed to the mall rat in this movie like he's Mary-Sue from that new 'Star Wars' movie.

An intense part of the movie comes around the one-hour, 17-minute mark when the mall rat breaks and enters the killers house. Hold your breath for this scene. Sure as seashells, the killer will return home at any moment now. As predicted, he does, but surprisingly, the mall rat clobbers him with a claw hammer. We're given an intimate moment between the mall rat and a serial killer in the making, and is the viewer supposed to sympathize with the animal abuser?

I'll give credit to the movie for not showing any actual torture toward our furry friends.

But that's one hour and 34 minutes of their lives stolen from them, which they'll never get back.

Your time would be better spent baking cookies or testing your umbrella velocity rate to combat any sudden raindrops.

No wolves appeared in the making of this movie.

Dangerously Close (1986)

Preppy Exclusive Boys Club

[4/10 · 29 April 2024]

The movie starts out with a scene ripped right off 'The Lost Boys' as Gorgon is being chased by vampires and tracked in the fashion of Van Damme's 'Hard Target.' It's part of a "Magnet Project" where worthy victims are selected from a yearbook and hunted.

None other than the Night Slasher from 'Cobra' shows up and kills the Gorgon demon.

A scene is then dedicated to Doc E. Brown's clocks, introducing a David Dahmer lookalike who hooks up with that horrible actor Whitey from '3:15,' but plays Krooger in this. He's an extremely annoying character who's deprived of attention and sadly makes it all the way through the movie. You could call him the Dewey of 'Scream' you wished would be killed in the first movie but keeps turning up defying logic.

Is that Tommy Jarvis from 'Jason Lives?' He looks a bit like Michael Dudikoff.

The same Alpha Elite thugs from 'The Next Karate Kid' patrol the hallways and grounds of Vista Verde High School and are led by Randy. Wasn't he Cougar from 'Top Gun?'

Once again, we got 25-year-old adults playing the roles of high school students, which isn't believable.

20 minutes in, and I'm still dangling my bait for a bite as no hooks have snagged any stability yet.

If it's trying to be 'Less Than Zero' it's way off the mark. And here I was under the impression that this would be similar to 'Red Dawn.'

Someone just mentioned the tiny town of Loleta, which is situated up in Humboldt County near the Silver Shamrock factory, but this is strange as later on in the movie a dude tells the David Dahmer lookalike that Krooger headed up to Napa Valley for a wine sipping festival, so I don't know what part of Northern California we're really in. Let's take this moment to speak out in dedication to the crumbling and condemned Silver Shamrock factory as of typing.

The movie's about a bunch of exclusive students, all brimming with scholarship vibrancy and beyond entitled and privileged, but having a gig on the side where they secretly hunt humans for fun.

I'm not so sure about using Fine Young Cannibals in your movie if you want to be taken seriously. 'The Wraith' already used Robert Palmer's song at the roadside diner, so there's another negative.

The Alpha Elite exclusive thugs try to induct the David Dahmer lookalike into their clique for some reason, even though he doesn't belong.

Who's buying for one second that this Cougar thug is #1 with a gun on the streets? He was a scout master by the time he was 5. And excelled in band camp by 8.

This is like watching up-and-coming bank CEOs act like they're hood thugs protecting their set.

Imagine being beat and terrorized by the likes of Mark-Paul Gosselaar if he were to become a gangster among freshmen.

The Alpha Elite thug squad do a number on '3:15's' Krooger, and you only wished they had erased him with this hanging scene. I'm sad to say that's not the case.

How convenient for the movie that Cougar's girlfriend develops feelings for the David Dahmer lookalike. I love how he ditches his glasses whenever a scene of bravado is called upon. I love the wavey fades in his hair, too, looking every bit like the NSYNC boy band member.

What makes these baddies not believable is that they're country thugs but acting like big city wigs controlling country people from the Eel River districts of Loleta.

Why are all these people from 'The Twilight Zone?' They're eerie weirdos, like robots being controlled by a religious cult or Scientology. Are they the offspring of that Stepford mob?

Not once were they actually in class.

I know what doesn't make sense in this movie! It's supposed to be high school, but the Alpha Elite thug squad is acting like they're in college. Bingo! They were in a bar earlier, getting wasted on booze, so how can high school students enter an over-21 premises? The movie needed to eliminate the high school part and go for college dorms instead.

Can you imagine being beat up by Ned Bigby in high school? Just try and picture for one moment Ned Bigby controlling operations in an East Los Angeles high school. That's how absurd these villains are.

Is that Ron Grady from 'Freddy 2?'

With the Tommy Jarvis character being in the movie, he obviously had a sway to allow his buddy, Cort, from 'Jason Lives' to land a role, but I never picked up on his character once.

So, the David Dahmer lookalike and Cougar's girlfriend hook-up, and it becomes about an investigation to find evidence linking the preppy thug squad to all the murders.

A VHS is the undoing of all parties.

Allegiances are tested at the end, and double-crossers turn coats, and the big movie reveal is that a trusted faculty member was murdering twits to fuel his passion for old battlefield memories. Is that Pieter Vorstedt again? He always plays a baddie.

The ending seemed ultra-rushed, like a half-baked conclusion, as Cougar probably had to make a deadline for his cameo appearance in 'Top Gun.'

Beaten to Death (2022)

Dead Man Walking

[4/10 · 27 April 2024]

This is a "Stud Ranch" production. Does that mean Blue Oyster Bar members had a hand in the making of this movie?

We start out with Ricky Gervais being pounded into ground beef by an Alien Ant Farm backup biker dancer who's ultra-hairy and lubes his leather in his own blood.

We're lectured about the 2006 movie 'Header' for some reason.

If you're going to perform CPR, then I suggest your heart's on the left side of the body, not your right. No wonder she couldn't be saved.

The movie starts out like some 'Saw' garbage with dead people and no explanation.

Is that Eric Bana?

I've enabled the subtitles as I find the Kiwi accent hard to follow.

The Road Warrior rises from the grave once more and scouts the baron wasteland in search of fuel, snakes, and hippie camps.

The movie strangely cuts in some Paddy's singing the Irish blues in a pub. By the end of the movie, you'll understand what all these cut scenes mean, but watching it cold turkey, it looks out of place and is not explained. They kind of tell the story backwards into leadups of how, what, or why.

Ivan Rebroff drives Agent Smith around while singing bluegrass tunes straight from Kentucky's heartland.

Is that Guy Pearce? Not more of this 'Proposition' garbage!

Ivan Rebroff pounds the already pulped ground beef victim, then reveals his kink - Stud Ranch - by tying him up and removing his eyes with no anesthesia. I didn't think he was really going to do that. If this movie were to end right now, then 30 minutes would do it justice.

I think after having your eyes extracted and nailed to a wall, you'd be in shock the next morning, not wandering around aimlessly like a nomadic road warrior.

Oh, they're doing these cut-back scenes in the lead-up business again.

Now he's pinned back up on the wall in one of Jigsaw's games again.

The eyeless road warrior tries to confess to the barrel of a rifle but can't bring himself to say ten hail Mary's or swallow the communion.

He looks like a fly who has encountered the swatter too many times.

Ivan Rebroff recaptures the eyeless road warrior, and I question what that scene was back then with the dog. Oh, they're doing that annoying retelling cut-back scene business again.

The eyeless Slipknot warrior is made to "dig your grave," then Ivan Rebroff fills in the blanks, and if this movie were to finish right now at the 51-minute mark, then that would do it justice as the eyeless road warrior is being buried alive.

Instead of allowing the viewer to go to bed, it then cuts back to the very start and explains the leadup to these burial events, all starting with the ultra-haired Alien Ant Farm dancer, who's a big boss drug dealer selling to first-time buyers who are meddling in the drug trade with no experience. I believe they were just after a baggy for personal use at a bargain, but the hairy fella only deals in bulk purchases and is insulted at their offer.

We then cut back to the eyeless Slipknot warrior, who claws his way out of a six-foot hole. Hmm, the Alien Ant Farm member had trouble digging the dirt as it was just dry clay, but the eyeless Slipknot victim makes his way out of the rich soil that I'd die for in my garden.

The eyeless Slipknot warrior just went to town on an unsuspecting shower victim very viciously, and his face looks like a piece of burned beef roast when I overcook it in the BBQ.

He then walks the plains in permanent darkness, and I'm guessing the person he stabbed was his dead girlfriend, as the silhouette had pigtails.

So that means Ivan Rebroff is still lurking out here somewhere.

The eyeless Slipknot warrior finds renewed vigor to live from reciting a psalm and runs through Kruger National Park, but that new lease on life soon turns to suicide for a second time, where he contemplates shanking himself with a sharp limb dagger.

I find it hard to believe he didn't cross paths with a deadly snake once in this movie.

What would be the perfect cherry on top for this movie is for the eyeless Slipknot warrior to encounter The Gimp and his two cohorts doing a similar number on Marsellus Wallace in that fashion.

The moral of the story is that the eyeless road warrior is recaptured again by a Danny Trejo lookalike and is gutted like Rosie does to fish in 'Point Break.'

The Winter Witch (2022)

Plop Plop Plop

[1/10 · 26 April 2024]

Winter witch? So, she's an unorthodox Christmas icon as opposed to an autumn creeper when in season.

Well, I don't know what that was at the start with the bald guy talking about his elongated ass.

The sound on this DVD is extremely loud. I normally watch movies with the volume up in the 50 to 70 range, but this one I had to turn down to a 9, and even then it's still too loud.

Poor contrast blurs the face of Ian Botham, who's reprimanding Deborah Mailman, as her work ethic is not up to scratch. She convinces her daughter, Goldilocks, to accompany her to the country to investigate the disappearances of wee English lasses.

Because the screen's so dark, she calls her daughter a blond princess, even though she has jet black hair.

Have all the cast members had bad cases of acne? They've dimmed the lights for most scenes to eliminate their features.

We leave Portsmouth for the hilly, mountainous districts of Mordor.

In the daylight, Goldilocks here is a redhead, not blond or jet black.

A hobo with a ponytail propositions the mother-daughter team and haggles over the hourly rate, but a price can't be settled.

We're then given a Kodak flashback in black and white of some curse of raw pasta.

The actors are like human surfboards.

Am I supposed to be buying into the casting for this family? The grandmother is German, her daughter is Aboriginal, and her daughter's lily white.

At the 25-minute mark, it's like watching a tennis game the way it's filmed as the actors duel on and on discussing that raw dill pasta business. It puts them in the mood to cook some Heinz spaghetti. Am I really watching this?

Why is no one putting an effort into modern-day movies?

The actor's screen presence has about as much appeal as Gary Glitter's background history.

"His blud is on your 'ands." There's an 'atch in hands, England. And they wrote the Collins dictionary?

A skanky chav shows up, threatening family members. Is she Sporty Spice?

Ian Botham is given the lowdown on fresh pasta.

Goldilocks is sporting the beanie from 'The Blair Witch.' She hooks up with some pronoun human species who reminds us about the fresh pasta demon, and all accusations fly.

46 minutes in, and not a damn thing of interest has occurred. Not unless you count the four Hot Tomales that woman just vomited. Who vomits red?

Where's this spaghetti witch, and what purpose does she serve?

So, some snobs leave the city and return to a country house, and the whole town despises them for past transgressions. There's some sacred connection to a mythical pasta demon that's not even in its own movie.

Normally, the Brits can make a decent movie, but this is just another victim caught up in today's usual play-it-safe standards that cater to an inclusive audience. Let me put it this way: if you combined Billie Eilish and Robert Pattinson together, that's the enthusiasm this movie is showing.

The pasta demon shows up at the 55:47 minute mark, and what is that? A Kiss member unmasked?

The curse of pearl pasta? Oh, she means curl pasta? Elbow pasta. I'm drowning in a sea of stupidity here.

For a DVD cover promoting a creepy witch pushing a pram, there's none of that in the movie and I can only imagine why this movie was never given a cinema release.

Foul pasta desires Goldilocks hand in a creamy sauce ceremony, so the realms of the outworld align, enabling Shao Khan to invade with marauding béchamel tribes.

Goldilocks goes to battle with crushed pasta and impales it with a tree stump, eliminating it in 2 seconds at the end, and that's your movie's climax.

The edge of your seat ending of this movie is right up there with Luke Skywalker nailing the Death Star, the Norman Bates and Mother revelation, victims being burned alive inside 'The Wicker Man' or McFly timing the electrical bolt just right.

I held my breath for the entire two seconds.

There's one hour and 15 minutes of one's life they'll never be reimbursed for.

A pathetic movie for today's equally pathetic audience, who'll swallow mediocrity and ask for second servings.

Return to Horror High (1987)

Horrible High

[1/10 · 19 April 2024]

I'm like a broken record with my reviews, but back when I was a kid lost in the VHS world of movie covers, I always assumed this movie was a sequel to 'Slaughter High.'

But is it a sequel to 73's 'Horror High?'

Is this the one where George Clooney plays a security guard and, at the end, all the victims come back to life, and it was all a prank? If that's the case, then this movie is an automatic 1/10 for being deceitful.

The old VHS cover was 10/10; how could you go wrong?

In fact, when I started collecting my horror DVDs, 'Return to Horror High' was one of the very first I selected out of about 200 other DVDs. It's only until you pop the movie in and let it roll do you realize what a mistake it was in purchasing it, as it fails to live up to the movie cover.

By the way, that cheerleader skeleton on the original VHS cover always reminded me of Lynda from 'Halloween.' It had her hair. And no, not that Rod Zombie trash, the original '78 classic.

New World Pictures? I was only rocking their t-shirt two days ago.

Is that Mark Ruffalo?

And is there an element of comedy in this movie?

Oh, not Martin from 'Sleeping with the Enemy' again. He's in a lot of movies.

Yep, this is a 1/10 movie, as one of my pet hates is when they film a movie inside of a movie. It confuses the hell out of me. I think one of those 'Scream' sequels pulled this same stunt, and I absolutely hate it and am not a fan of it.

After 11 minutes are wasted showing you the internal makings of how a film is made on set, Clooney heads down an eerie, smoky high school corridor where brutal murders took place years ago, and he's murdered at the 13-minute mark yet billed as the star of the movie.

Yeah, I hate this back-and-forth crap. It's four themes in one. There's police investigating the crime scene, crimes that took place years ago, idiots filming a movie about it, and then there's a real-life killer picking the actors off while filming.

A football quarterback courts a teacher, and the viewer is unaware if it's a retelling of a crime or part of the movie they're filming inside the movie. Confused? Well, you should be. You invest time in this avenue as you try to grasp the concept, but it's just part of the movie they're making.

I hate this.

A real kill happens, and it's almost comical how the head is severed by an ax and the head is tossed about. It's Lampoon's stuff.

This isn't a real horror movie. It's deceptive, and I hate everything about it.

It's almost like one of those 'Scary Movie' parodies poking fun at horror movies.

If you go into this with a slasher flick mentality, then you're going to be severely disappointed and confused once it starts.

This is just Hollywood's preppy idea of academic entertainment.

I was taken out of the movie in the first 11 minutes when it all came back to me how lousy it is.

I'm only awarding this movie 1/10 because of the blond police lady, Tyler, who looks sexy in uniform.

"We are making a movie!" Yeah, a movie inside a movie, which doesn't make for great viewing and confuses the viewer.

It's not worth mentioning, as I don't care, but a killer is roaming around wearing yellow gloves. You know the kind? Tyler Durden wore them when finishing off Marla Singer.

Actually, I mentioned National Lampoon's awhile ago, and the killer in this reminds me of the shopping bag one in 'Class Reunion.' Another 1/10 movie.

By the way, the representation picture of 'Return to Horror High' on IMDb is not the original skeleton from the old VHS cover. That one was way better.

50 minutes in and the movie's putrid. There's no defense for it.

An hour in, and I want out.

On the floor to my right is the old-school VHS cover of this movie. Take a look at the cheerleader skeleton on the cover. Why was that not in the movie? Do you know how awesome a movie would be with that corpse in the actual movie running around? This crap on screen is one shade away from 'Police Academy' quality.

Did I mention that 95% of the other actors are unlikeable?

I can't believe how deceitful the movie is to the old VHS cover. It's an unhealthy and unfaithful relationship. This VHS cover is being poorly represented by its own product.

I'd be better off watching Tyler Durden in 'Cutting Class.' 'Return to Horror High' is a stinker.

Oh boy, now they're adding dream sequences at the one hour, four minute mark. As if this story isn't already muddled as it is. This is 'Cheerleader Camp' stuff again! There's another movie with an awesome 10/10 VHS cover but a subpar product.

The hotdog-eating cop looks like Brie Larson.

What is this movie actually a sequel to? Does one have to watch that first for a better understanding of this 1/10 doozy?

I didn't write anything for the final 34 minutes, as I just sat there with a disgusted, frozen look on my face.

If this was supposed to be a comedy, I didn't laugh once.

It's not a horror movie, so I don't know what to make of it in my closing summary.

Just avoid at all costs.

The Final Terror (1983)

Inner City Survivalists

[5/10 · 18 April 2024]

'The Final Terror' is like a handicapped horse race where they've lumped a bunch of solid, washed-up actors into a horror movie in an attempt to reinvigorate their ailing careers.

The movie starts out in Redwood National Park, where Fall Guy's stunt double crashes on a dirt bike to Bionic Million Dollar muscle sound effects.

The beefcake and Olivia Newton John are left out in 'Friday the 13th' woods, and I believe one of these victims falls prey to tomato can lids rigged to a wire boobytrap. Yep, ten-four confirmed. It's different, I guess.

We're then introduced to Packard from 'The Wraith' indulging in porn while at camp. He shares the barracks with Perry and Joey from 'The Wanderers.' Well, look who else is in this movie! None other than Mr. What do you want to do with your life? He reminded me of Wild E. Coyote in those two Twisted Sister videos.

This creepy Eggar character has tile grout between his teeth.

Oh yes, English-born Rachel Ward from 'Night School.' I thought she was fantastic in 'Fortress.' Very pretty.

So, a camp for a mentally challenged reform school is grouped together, and you need not go any further beyond their rendition of "Three Blind Mice" to know exactly what breed of people we're dealing with here.

Is that Precious Wilson with the British accent and beads in her hair?

This lot is kind of like the zombies from 'Friday the 13th 5.' Don't you play Marco Polo in a swimming pool?

One of the mental patients goes missing, and if I saw correctly, there's what looks like a walking shrub stalking the group, and it just bopped off Metcalf. Why'd they write him out of the cast so quickly? He brought stability to the movie.

By the end of the movie, I question why Hannah and Ward were even in it, as they're underutilized and it's more of a manly movie for has-been actors trying to resurrect their careers.

Joey from 'The Wanderers' has got his poker face on trying to be Rambo. I can't take him seriously as a macho man, as I'm only familiar with him as a Wanderer, where he played a wimp and all-round natural jerk.

Why do they keep venturing inland when the road they came in on is only a mile back the other way?

The movie turns a bit 'Friday the 13th 6' with everyone dressed for paintball. It's got shades of Jason about it at times.

I'm not sold on the cast at all. They're sort of urban-raised city folk mastering the woods.

I don't even understand what their purpose for coming out here was. They're not camp counselors or rangers.

The elite team of urban commandos hails a river-floaty raft down stream, and where this'll take us, I have no idea. I'm just as lost as they are. I don't even know where we are anymore.

Hey, if we keep traveling downstream, we may pass Eureka and find ourselves in Santa Mira, where the Silver Shamrock factory awaits our tour of their premises.

It's Moss Man from Castle Grayskull. That's who our stalker is.

It has to be questioned if Joey from 'The Wanderers' is qualified to be scout master of this bunch when his only training was being in a gang and outrunning Baldies and Ducky Boys. How'd he become gung-ho all of a sudden?

One thing I'll give this movie is that it's clearer than 'Rituals' I watched the other night.

The idiots outnumbered Moss Man ten to one back at that bus scene, so they should have utilized the numbers in an assault raid instead of retreating like cowards.

Is that one of the Electro Rock boys from 'Breakin?'

Moss Man turns out to be a transvestite who just wasted Joey and then got boobytrapped herself by a runaway log that escaped a jam, and you know what? I can see where the movie 'Predator' got its influence from this fallen tree they're traversing over.

Anyway, they kill the Moss Woman, and they're still a thousand miles from nowhere, and it's not concluded if our squad of inner city urban commandos made it to Santa Mira or not.

Ed Gein (2000)

Mature Drama

[8/10 · 17 April 2024]

My copy of this movie is the property of DEJ Productions. Not final packaging. Screener not for sale or rental. Not for sale? Then why'd I pay forty bucks for it? DEJ wanted Blockbuster to pay $22 per cassette and only $15:50 per DVD.

Every time I watch Railsback's portrayal of the Plainfield Butcher, I get in the mood to watch Roberts Blossom's take of Gein in the far superior 'Deranged.'

We start out in a blue cemetery as Mary-Lou and Roger pash in the company of the dead. Oh, and a man 6 feet deep, robbing graves as a hobby.

All of Gein's years in Sunday school are put to the test in an attempt to raise a teacher from the dead, but his powers aren't at blackbelt level yet.

After a close shave with some pesky boy scouts, Gein shops at the local Warden's hardware store, where it's quickly detected that there's animosity and jealousy brewing between Warren Jeff's and Gein, who seem to be vying for Collette's affection. I don't know what either sees in her, as she's a candidate for the 6-foot grave club herself.

Gein dreams of selling the farmhouse and moving south, where it's warmer. Imagine Gein on the beach in Florida, all fleshed out in his lady suit. Would he have to apply sunscreen to his body suit?

Snodgress is introduced, and automatically I'm having horrible images of my kindergarten teacher coming back to me as she's spitting images of her. I have to say that Carrie Snodgress almost steals the show in this movie.

Every once in a while, the following message is displayed on my copy: For sales screening only. Property of DEJ Productions.

Is Ed Gein gonna be a blubbering panty waste all his life, HUH? Asks Snodgress.

Gein channels his power at the cemetery and commands the dead to rise again, but it's never granted.

Did you know on Google Earth it prevents you from accessing Archer Ave for some reason? If anything's to be avoided it's Kane Hodder's portrayal of Gein in his movie. How miscast was he?

I may be wrong, but there mustn't have been much to do in Plainfield if digging up corpses was your only hobby. Talk about idle hands coming from such religious folk.

Gein's choice of pornography is lame pulp magazines that sensationalize crime scenes of a pack nature. Everything evolved around a sexual nature concerning Gein, so you'd have to be a fool to believe that he didn't have his way with the bodies by claiming they smelled too bad and preventing him from taking advantage.

And he did steal that cash register for financial gain. His entire motive for everything was based around stealing and robbing. It's evident from the Mary Hogan crime scene that money was stolen from the cash register. It's a stretch, but there's another story about Gein spotting two men win a large sum of money, and they showed up missing and never found. Gein was a dishonest liar and a thief.

Stop at the 26-minute mark. Why would a respectable lady, with family, be interested in Gein's farmhouse when there was no electricity? I'm not buying that for a second.

It's amazing that no fan out there dug up Gein's body in real life and kept it as the ultimate horror MacGuffin in the grand scheme of ghoulish collectables.

Why is there not much information anywhere on Gein's assistant, Gus? I know very little about him, only that they referred to him as dim-witted. What does anyone know about him? Surely Gein had help in all his digging expeditions? That's hard work with a shovel.

My favorite part of the movie comes at the 33:34-minute mark with the two crows interacting. They actually do frolic around in this fashion in real life.

But I hate this "dry shot" scene with the boisterous bar tender lady. Yuck, who'd drink a shot from her used, sweaty bra after an 8-hour shift?

I hate to ask, but Gein lets Mary Hogan bleed out, does arts and crafts with her privates, then butchers her and serves himself two cuts of meat. More specifically, some round bone shoulder chops. Funky. It's silly of me to say this, but do we have chops in our human system? I've never thought about that before. Wouldn't you get more full from cuts of rump or strips of thigh? I wonder if humans are a fatty, unhealthy choice of meat. Are we high in cholesterol? Can we be made into patties for hamburgers? The possibilities are endless. Human meatloaf. Shish kebab human on a stick. Curried human. Human in shallot and ginger. I wonder if Gein experimented with gourmet cooking. This is disgusting. Only last night Mary Hogan was serving drinks to customers, and this morning she's served as breakfast for Ed Gein.

It's both revolting and perverted when Gein steps out in the moonlight in his full-body lady suit, banging the tom-tom and howling.

I wonder what Gein looked like when he donned it in real life. Would he have scrubbed up a looker? Did he try to make an attempt to sell his services on the corner of Archer and 2nd?

I wonder what Gein's demeanor really was behind closed doors. Was he aggressive and angry? Was that dopy, nice old man image just a facade?

Was all his time centered around and dedicated to dead bodies?

Major props to SS Blondie in the naked Barbie costume. Is that Elsa from 'The Last Crusade?' (To a friend over there in Illinois, I believe I left a book mark of her in one of my novels I gave you.) What I'd do to dig her body up and have my way with her smell, or no smell.

I've seen a video online of Gein's property in the snow, and deer can be seen, so he didn't have to stray out in the fields for venison. Did he really serve up dead human meat and pass it off as venison? Is that true? Don't go trespassing on his property in the summer, as it's crawling with ticks, apparently.

At the one-hour, five-minute mark, I swear that's Ivor Stanley's 'Deathship' score you can hear.

So, as you know, Gein targets Bernice Warden, aka Collette, and again, Gein brought along a bullet, so that reveals it was all premeditated and planned out, leaving you questioning if he played the justice system with deceit about his mental stability. Was he really insane or just plain bored with life? Stupid, too, leaving his name in the books as the last shopper visited.

"You don't have all day; dinner's served, HURRY BOY," chimes in Snodgress.

We all know how the Gein story concluded. It's been told a thousand times already.

"My mother was a saint." But I was a cold-hearted, head-case thief who saw no wrong in my unlawful behavior.

The point I always come back to concerning Gein, like a lot of other serial killers, is that they were lonely, friendless people for the duration of their existence, and only until they had passed did the entire world know who they were and want to warm to their sinister legacy. How sad.

Ed Gein literally created a monster in the entertainment industry, and thousands benefited financially from his evil deeds. Again, how sad. Like Dahmer, everyone wanted to know Gein only after the fact. In death, Dahmer and Gein had more friends and fan clubs than they ever imagined.

These people are cretins and cowards.

Rituals (1977)

Poor Quality Overall

[5/10 · 16 April 2024]

'Rituals' or 'The Creeper.' Why do movies come with two different titles sometimes?

Look at the picture quality of this movie, would you? It's like someone's heavy on the pepper shaker while powerlines are down at the very beginning.

A bunch of grumpy old men take a mystery flight and are dropped off on Robert Hansen's island. They're all straight shooters with dry senses of humor and no personalities whatsoever.

Paulie from 'Rocky' can be seen, as can Harry Grimbridge from 'Halloween 3: Season of the Witch.'

The quality of this DVD was transferred directly from a roll of toilet paper.

In the tradition of 'Deliverance,' the city boys trek through uncharted terrain in search of some voodoo myth of unholy nature. Do I have that right so far?

I think they're trying to find themselves. You couldn't call this a midlife crisis, as they're late bloomers in their twilight years.

I don't know about anybody else, but I'm having a hard time understanding what anybody is saying. The score is so loud that it drowns out their vocals, and what they are saying is mumbled.

Only 16 minutes in, and the city boys have hit the panic button already because somebody stole their boots. Here's a bright idea from one of the highly qualified city officials: "Let's light a fire and send a distress signal." Yeah, go ahead and smoke yourselves to death from carbon monoxide poisoning. That'll get you first before the fire burns you alive.

They lasted half a day out here before their composure eroded.

Tell me they brought firearms along with them for protection. We are armed, aren't we boys?

If I heard right earlier in the movie, someone said they're only 15 miles inland from where they flew out. No big deal; I once walked 10 when in Vancouver.

What's with the fluffy yellow bucket hats?

A grenade of bees is triggered, which derails the city boys off course, resulting in one of them perishing. He's the severed head who appears later in the movie on a stick. (It's not the stretcher guy who is displayed in this grisly fashion.)

None of the actors look like they're enthused about being in this production.

At the 33-minute mark, the contrast of the movie caused my eyes to dilate. This movie will strain your eyes at times.

The city boys fall on a trip wire while trying to cross the Grand Rapids, and if you ask me, I'd say that's only knee-deep water and about as wild as a washing machine on the last spin cycle.

Like in 'Deliverance,' one of the city boys breaks his leg, which slows their progress down. Why are they doing double duty by pushing the wounded stretcher victim upstream? You can't hear what the actors are saying with all the water racket, and that fight scene was so phony; their punches were deliberately missing by 12 inches.

It just occurred to me that the main actor has The Duke's voice.

Some of the editing is choppy. Inserted picturesque scenery with daydream music isn't really required. Sharp editing again when Grimbridge screams, "Leave us alo-"

A what, sir? You were about to say aloha, right?

Can someone inform me why they actually came out here?

Apparently, they're being hunted by an unseen predator.

Are there elements of 'Blair Witch' about this movie? Did that movie borrow certain taunting scenes from this?

What if it's the Zodiac hunting them? They're out in open plains like Lake Berryessa, so our tracker here should be visible to the eye, but where is he?

Target sighted around the one-hour, 4-minute mark. We have Zodiac in our sights. Someone pass me the Winchester scope action.

The actor with The Duke's voice performs a mercy killing on one of his own, and since the city boys are tired, sun struck, and hungry, there's some nourishment for y'all if you're "game."

Finally realizing that the stretcher guy is dead weight, he's disposed of like trash. So all that heroic crap about "nobody gets left behind" was all for nothing. Noble actions out here aren't decorated with medallions or acknowledgment.

Know this: if you're on my team and wounded, you're on your own! Like that ELO song said, "Don't Bring Me Down." Sign a waiver beforehand indicating that you acknowledge the terms and conditions of my offer. Hamper my progress, and I'll leave you where you fall.

At the one hour, 15 minute mark, Gwildor from 'She-Ra' enters the hunt, and it's so dark from here on out you can't make out anything that happens on the screen. The guy with The Duke's voice gets slashed across the thigh, which is a main artery, but I can't tell what slashed him. Was it an implement from the Evil Dead, a cooking utensil, or a killer tree? Those aggressive bees again maybe? Who knows?

Did the movie 'Rambo' steal this cauterizing scene for its own purposes at the one-hour, 23-minute mark?

Harry Grimbridge is barbequed around the same time, and there's another meal for anyone who's hungry. Make sure it's well done and not undercooked, as sometimes raw meat can give you food poisoning.

The Zodiac appears at the end looking rather meek and looking like an acid burn victim. He's blown to Hades and concedes too easily. I think he was just some inbred tracker who was tired of game hunting and turned his attention to something more worthy.

There was not one female in that entire movie. It was all 'Boys in Company C' with questionable backgrounds about their identities.

By the way, the actor with The Duke's voice finds his way to a road at the end, and the movie becomes clear in picture quality for the first time just before the end credits roll.

There's no evidence to suggest anyone came to his aid and picked him up, so I have to assume he either froze or starved to death. And if that didn't get him, then three counts of murder would have seen him serve out his time in an Ontario prison with no chance of parole.

Or, how about a bear came along and did the unthinkable?

Humongous (1982)

Jason or Madman's Cousin

[5/10 · 12 April 2024]

Humongous? Didn't he attend Halloween dressed as Jason in 'Mad Max 2?'

This will be my third time seeing this movie. The first time I watched parts of it was on VHS in the 1980s. I hated it. The second time was about 5 years ago on DVD, and I was immersed in its isolation and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Oh yeah, I always got Humongous confused with Madman in the video store and thought they were the same person.

In the tradition of 'The Prowler,' the movie starts out in a bygone era, and I'm too lazy to explain this part. Any idiot can piece together that the poor lady violated carried baby Humongous and gave birth to him. They were both good-looking people, so how he was born deformed and oversized, I have no idea.

The introduction music to the opening credits doesn't belong in a horror movie whatsoever. With that type of music playing, I can picture Michael Douglas bedding a killer in a drama movie. Get real, movie.

What's with all the stills from a 1950s fashion magazine in the opening credits as well?

10 minutes of the movie are wasted with unnecessary footage, woeful introduction music, and fashion book credits.

The movie jumps 36 years later, and another four minutes are wasted introducing our players, but it seems like a rush job that doesn't properly explain their reasoning for the movie. At least we're in modern-day times.

Bo Peep is a Peeping Tom peeping on Donna, who has fire and looks better with a bikini top on than exposed.

Their voices seem dubbed over like an Italian movie, and whoever wrote their lines should have been fired.

A poor platform was laid for the movie.

There are a lot of negatives to kick off proceedings.

So, we set sail on Daddy's boat, and Donna decides to get down at ten in the morning to music best described as being played by an overmedicated inpatient. Thank you to the macho bonehead who did everybody a favor and killed the Daffy Duck music. Someone tell Donna she was making a fool of herself anyway.

The boat looks like a floating 1970s caravan.

Was that Johnny Lawrence?

Drunken behavior sees two brothers fight at the helm of the wheel, and the 70s warhorse snags a reef, causing everyone to jump ship and leaving them stranded on Dog Island.

Humongous has already made his presence felt by just observing from afar and breathing, but he doesn't show his face until the one hour and 16 minute mark.

Oh, not animal cruelty! Why does this have to be classified as entertainment? That looked almost too real. I used to own a German shepherd called Dino.

It takes about 50 minutes for Goro- I mean, Humongous - to throw people around like Goro.

Johnny Lawrence and two other girls discover a two-story house in their adventures, and this is the isolation I was talking about earlier that I'm a fan of. The chick in pink reminds me of Denise Richards for some reason. She's attacked by a 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' skeleton in one scene, and the kooky score is questionable again.

The score in this movie is comical. Whoever was responsible needs to be exposed and named right here and now!

John Mills-Cockell.

"His name is John Mills-Cockell. His name is John Mills-Cockell. His name is John Mills-Cockell."

I would have guessed an 8th grader was in charge of the movie score.

Whenever the chick in pink appears on screen, Jamie Lee Curtis rings in my ears, "Eyes up, Ronny."

The nerdy chick in this reminds me of Velma Dinkley.

An hour in, and Humongous still doesn't show his ugly dial. Camera shy, are we fella?

About 30 minutes are spent with the three explorers trying to piece together a 1960s puzzle about dogs and home owners. Humongous is the offspring of Ida Parsons. That's the answer to the puzzle, apparently. Who's Ida Parsons? I hear you ask. What a big revelation! Ida Parsons held the key to this movie's secret.

His name is John Mills-Cockell.

The big plan in this movie is to set the house ablaze to send a distress signal, but the movie becomes about a missing box of matches. So Lawrence and Richards spend the last quarter of the movie frantically searching for redheads. She was killed earlier by the water. See the freckles on her body?

I gave this movie 10/10 the second time I watched it, but it's only getting a 5 this time.

What's his name still hasn't shown his face? Speak of the devil, and he pops up.

Lawrence takes him down with a tree stump and boasts that's it's all over, but Humongous only takes a dive in a betting ring scam, feigns injury, and Hulk Hogans back to life, and bear hugs Lawrence a broken back in his resurgence. You dropped your guard, Lawrence.

Setting eyes on Richards, she's pursued next.

Oh, please, don't you dare go there, movie! Are they going to pull a 'Friday the 13th 2' in this scene here? Is Richard's going to dress like Jason's mother?

Taking a leaf out of Sack Head's book, Humongous falls for Richard's portrayal of Jason's mother and is labeled a nimrod for being deceived by Tom foolery. At least Madman wasn't this stupid. He knew the victim was inside the refrigerator and didn't fall for her trickery.

Dear Lord, going one step further, there's a Michael Myers scene at the one hour and 23 minute mark when Laurie falls down the stairs and Myers comes down the staircase. This movie just ripped off two iconic horror films. Throw in a bit of 'Madman' as well with the shadow warrior part, and that makes it three movies bitten.

NOW IT'S DOING 'TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE' BY CHASING SALLY THROUGH THE SHRUBBERY!

Four movies it has plagiarized.

'Humongous' still doesn't really show the hillbillies face. I can't make him out.

Richards toasts Humongous alive at the end, and I got ten bucks says he's not dead. Like clockwork, Humongous raises again and is impaled by a for-sale realty stake.

The movie ends with Richards doing her best Texas Chainsaw Sally survival face - she looks directly into the camera at one stage - while sitting on any wharf from a 'Friday the 13th' sequel, and at any moment now I expect Jason to burst out of the water and claim her.

The end credits roll, and I can just picture Tom Jones at a candlelit dinner with wine, serenading any passionate fan to this music.

Or Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd toasting to a night of lovemaking and bubble baths.

At times, while watching this movie, I found myself bored. It didn't deliver the third time.