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The Night Stalker (1986)
Who the hell is Charles Napier? (SPOILERS)
Lead actor who ive never heard of does a pretty good job as the whiskey-and-smokes-three-day-stubble-cop. I would like to see more action movies starring him, but unfortunately, he's already like 58 in this movie, so I dont imagine that there were very many after this. Jive talkin pimp character adds some interest. "ayyy b@#$, don' chu know dat good things can turn to s@#$ reeeeeal quick?!" I like when jazzy fresh jumpity jive hot hustle playas talk cool like that and let me know how stale my own vocabulary is. Lead cop is in love with a hooker young enough to be his daughter and I didnt even question it because he has a badge and therefore, at least 50 bucks a night. What else... oh, and young cadet (trooper? What do you call a first year cop) cop is in love with the big hairsprayed mullet blonde hooker instead of the brunette because this is the 80s and they kiss in the precinct in slow motion like Breakfast Club style and I couldn't tell if I should attribute it to the grainy low quality of the film, or the way the scene was lit, but they looked sweaty, like this was the last kiss of the night and not the first, ya know what i mean? Big evil silent villain stalks in some cool creepy scenes and has a head that is shaped in what I can best describe as Dorito made flesh. Jerky dirty mustache cop receives pleasure from a hooker but then finds out its a guy in a wig. Lead cop Napier shoots a guy so good he flies 50 feet into boxes and walls and stuff and i almost spit out my coffee it was so hilarious. Later, Napier cop barely dodges a bad guy's bullet and then his cop partner runs toward him in slow motion screaming his name and I forgot the character's name so ill just say it sounded like this: "PAAAAAARTNEEEEER COOOOOOP!!!!!!"
And dont miss the classic warehouse shootout ending, in which theres a 20 man battle with invincible villain, who has an assault rifle. Somehow Lead Cop has climbed a chain hanging from the ceiling and shoots the villain WITH A FLARE GUN and sizzling him up like bacon. Again, dont watch this movie with food or drink in your mouth. It is slow in some parts, but more often that not, it is action-packed sexy horror awesome.
Electric Dragon 80.000 V (2001)
Did I Miss Something?
Either I fell asleep and dreamed that I watched a movie in which nothing happened or I really watched a supposedly great movie in which almost happened. Things that actually happened include: man walking around a city, man going into a room, two men showing their guns to each other and then one getting pushed to the ground, close-ups of a lizard's face, man playing guitar loudly for 5 minutes, two men fighting on a rooftop in a style that did not look like kung-fu (I would call it something like "camera-edit-fighting"). Im debating whether I should flag this review for spoilers considering that I just listed almost everything that happens in the movie. I love asian cinema because you can almost always count on interesting things to happen. Almost every review praised this film so I was excited. Maybe its my fault for expecting a science fiction film or an action film because this film was clearly neither of those things. If I were smarter or open-minded, perhaps I would appreciate movies in which nothing happens. Unfortunately, I like to see things happen in movies. Im not a fan of Jean Luc Godard and im not a fan of this. One positive thing I will say is that the DVD came with the CD soundtrack which is simply amazing and I will be playing it for life. The movie though? Im afraid not.
Expect No Mercy (1995)
Lots of people get kicked in the head only its not real... or is it?
Opens with the most hilarious virtual reality landscape ive ever seen, but to be fair, the playstation VR's visuals look pretty stupid too. Movie wisely has a villain who looks like the singer of that band that sang "Cherry Pie" so that we are on the edge of our seats awaiting the kicks to his head. Virtual CIA agent asks "what kinda gun is that?" after watching Billy Blanks fire holes into a shooting target, as if the target is meant to withstand bullets, which would totally invalidate its purpose, but whatever. Secret cyber assassin on murder mission has to kill a witness and then we realize his gun's not silenced, which violates the first rule of the assassin code. 8 out of every 10 actors in the film has a dumb goatee because this is 1995 and those are the rules. Someone says "Good luck... you'll need it", because this is an action movie about a man with an improbable task and that sentence is required. That blonde chick from Walking Dead appears and its refreshing to not see her miserable every second that she's onscreen. A character is called Warbuck, which would be incredibly ridiculous if there wasn't also a character called Spyder. The virtual training sessions are a Syd Barrett acid nightmare featuring disembodied liquid heads and purple buddhist dungeons. Some guy wants to fight Billy simply because "Its what I do" and i feel really bad for him and hope hes ok. Billy says "aka!" and "kajaaaah!" while beating people up, which should be dumb but its not. Its awesome. All the kicking sound effects sound like Streets of Rage from the Sega Genesis which is equally awesome, especially since the cyber fighting sessions look like a fighting game... on acid. Or on Mars. Two assassins camouflage themselves by simply crouching next to trees that are twenty feet away from their targets and they are unseen because thats how espionage works. Just crouch next to some trees and be silent and wait. An innocent man caught in the crossfire realizes he was pointing his gun at a cop and then bounces his gun in his hands like a hot potato going "oh whoa whoa!" A lot of people get kicked in the cyber head which is a good thing because Billy Blanks is one of the worst actors of all time, but he succeeds in this territory, and understands the rules: Say the lines however they come to you, and then look really cool while kicking people. I have seen a lot of action movies and I can confirm that this is one of them.
Alien degli abissi (1989)
Well worth the 860 dollars you will spend on ebay.
Toaster/VCR robot with crab claw deserves credit for being that and nothing else, no mystery necessary. Subplot: Romance unblossomed, italian style. Bad guy with a guy gets it big time (from the crab pincer). Guy has a poisonous snake for a pet but is afraid of giant cybernetic lobster with who is neither cunning nor extremely proficient with big claw unless you are kinda in his way, in which case, how could you not get hit? The thing is bigger than a truck. Kinda makes you wonder: Is the cyber lobster controlling the claw... or is the claw controlling the lobster? This is clearly a comment on our mindless consumerist culture, to which I take offense. We give you italians our Papa Johns recipes to make your pizzas better and these are the kind of dehumanizing allegories we get in return? So we're drudging, cannibalizing trash scavenging lobsters, huh? Is that how we shall sign the check? Jokes on you, we love this movie, and will watch it for many years to come. You didnt even need to write any dialogue, for it functions as a grotesque muted ballet, accompanied by The Best That I Could Offer at the Time: (Hits) By Phil Collins. I wear my sunglasses during these things.
Nightfall (2000)
A guy turns into a snake and also David Carradine less drunk than expected
A guy turns into a CGI snake and then bites a bad guy and the camera cuts to a significantly smaller rubber snake hanging onto the bad guy's neck and then cuts back to the big good-looking playstation 2 snake. Then one of the hottest women i've ever seen shoots a space gun at some people and it makes the Buck Rogers space gun sound i like when she shoots it so now i don't have to cruise 9th street tonight because that was all i needed. Finally, David Carradine is not as haggard as expected and almost acts like a human one would meet somewhere.
Terminator Salvation (2009)
Who is Moon Bloodgood? Sounds like an energy drink or Warcraft character.
This franchise is a pathetic nostalgia machine. Remember "I'll be back?" Remember that photograph of Sarah Conner taken by the mexican kid? The "cyborg who wants to be human" angle has already been done better in Robocop and that movie explored the theme farther than "i have a past, im a man". Theres a female soldier character who exists for no purpose other than to show her bare side-meat in one scene and then be saved by one character so she can profess his humanity in a later scene. We're supposed to believe that Kyle Reese was an lanky kid who listens to Radiohead and hesitates to shoot people after pointing a gun at them. "Come with me if you want to live!" Remember that? They said that in 1984. Christian Bale is a good actor and deserves to yell at people off-camera. Imagine Jaws being captured and thrown into Sea-world. He might lose his temper a bit. A cyborg offers to give his heart to character whose heart is failing without checking to see if they even have the same blood type. Do cyborgs just have region-free blood type? A little girl exists only to be protected. I'll remember nothing i've just watched in 24 hours.
RoboCop (1987)
Robocop (1987) Is Superior to Robocop Remake in Every Conceivable Way.
Spoiler-Filled Moments That Make Robocop Better Than Robocop Remake:
1.) Nancy Allen is Rookie Female Partner, but she has short hair which illustrates her toughness. Its remarkable how easily you forget she played a hot prostitute seven years prior.
2.) Protagonist is killed by having his arms blown off ten minutes into the movie, potentially leaving the film to focus on Rookie Female Partner instead.
3.) In a fist fight knee-deep in sewage, Robocop activates an ejectable tooth-wide knife which he sticks in Crime Boss' jugular, so deep that blood is spraying before he has time to remove it.
4.) Robocop runs over a goon who is disfigured from a barrel of leaky toxic sludge, and the goon immediately splatters like lasagna dropped from a rooftop.
5.) Crime Boss spits blood on his arrest report and smiles.
6.) Prototype Robot Cop malfunctions and shoots office worker sixteen times and the Evil Tech Products Boss just strokes his forehead and sighs disappointment.
7.) Robocop shoots Eager To Be New Tech Boss out of a ninety foot window and his arms stretch as if to grab the window ledge for one last desperate move.
8.) Prototype Robot Cop is so inefficient that it trips down the staircase.
9.) Eager To Be New Tech Boss #2 snorts coke off of a hooker's cleavage just minutes before being blown away by a bomb accompanied by a video saying, "Im going to blow you away now."
10.) Robocop stops a street rapist by blowing off his genitals and the girl he saved can't run away fast enough because of her stilettos.
11.) There is homoerotic bathroom tension between the two Eager Tech Backstabbers, which is cut short by more trash talking and foul-mouthery.
12.) Robocop blows up a gas station, almost frying College-Boy Clerk, which would have been worth it because the goon must be stopped at all costs.
13.) After three days of viewing Robocop Remake, I remember nothing. Robocop (1987) wins. Flawless victory.
The Anderson Tapes (1971)
Robberies and tough guys being rude to dames really get Lumet's dick hard
*SPOILERS?* Notable for having one of the most disastrous getaways of any heist film, the most distracting Welsh-disguised-as-New-York-accent I've ever seen, a truly impotent and therefore a real short-tempered henchman who Connery has to give a little glove slap to. I think, at one point, Connery doesn't even rough him up, he just pushes him by the burlap mask until he stumbles over like Porky Pig in a jumpsuit. I don't know. Dog Day Afternoon, Reservoir Dogs, or the lesser known Friends of Eddie Coyle are better if you're actually interested in the psychology of the thief instead of them trying to look badass and smoke cigarettes and slap chicks after they bang them. Its what got rich 70's directors like Sidney Lumet boned up enough to film it at least once a decade until his death, and God bless him, why shouldn't he? That being said, as a heist film, its probably only inferior to those that I named. For every Anderson Tapes, there are a dozen Bank Jobs, Snatches, Lock, Stocks, and Smoking Barrels, and Things to Do in Denver When You're Deads. That last one probably doesn't roll off the tongue quite as smooth. But its a pathetic film with guys pointing guns before swapping opinions on pop-culture. You get the idea. Anderson Tapes on the other hand, has Sean Connery pre-hair loss, great direction, and Christopher Walken looking emotionless about the things that make normal humans have to pop a couple Xanax before doing. Or maybe its because he was told "You're playing the part of bad guy number 3. Your name is the Kid and you wear a mask and drive a Volkswagen for the gang."
Sam's Song (1969)
This is a movie featuring actors as well as Robert DeNiro and some actors.
Is that a garden hose on the cover? It must be a garden hose because I've never seen a gun that small. It must be the kind of gun Ian Fleming envisioned when James Bond was stripped of his Beretta and they replaced it by giving him a gun so small, he could conceal it in his cigarette case. Either way, the only things memorable about this movie are the cover, the fact that DeNiro is given top billing only as a post-Godfather 2 marketing tactic. Not that I remember, but considering that the film apparently went through three different title changes, the seventeen directors seemed to disagree over what the film was about and which character it was about. DeNiro shows up halfway through, unexplained. I don't remember any "swap", as one title promises, and i wouldn't be surprised if Sam was the name of the first protagonist who was inexplicably killed off before DeNiro stepped into frame. In other words, the cover of this movie is like an Easter egg, in a way. Pretty enough to ensure that you pick it up, but not very much to clue in as to whats inside the egg, and by the time you crack it open, you gave five dollars to be split up between seventeen different pseudonym-using Italian directors, this movie is another step closer to getting a real release, and the time you wasted on your treasure hunt in the 5 dollar movie section at Food Lion could have been saved if you were a grown up who was content with the fact that The Deer Hunter already exists and there is no Eldorado of Robert Deniro movies out there for you to discover and tell all your friends about. Just go buy the 87th anniversary of the Deer hunter and go home and eat the chocolate you've always loved. Happy belated Easter, everyone.