talllwoood13 Reviews

Major Payne (1995)

majorly over rated

[3/10 · 26 May 2024]

Other than the boogeyman in the closet scene this movie is really difficult to watch the big issue I had was with the voice Damon Waynes went with for Major Payne just came off like "A Pimp Named Slickback" in The Boondocks. It was like nails on a chalkboard. His character was one dimensional and clearly on some form of that spectrum that starts with an A.

Nothing original happens in this film, there's hardly any conflict. You can predict what is coming scene by scene in this. I may have laughed 2 or 3 times and far from a hard pause the movie sort of laugh. The child actors are all forgetful except the 20 something year old pretending to be a kid. He's like if you take Jeff Goldblum's questionable acting style from Jurassic Park and mix him with Johnny Sins. There is no way that female lead would look at Major Payne the way she does. I feel this movie struggles to have an identity. On the surface it could pass as a kids movie due to most of the cast not being able to buy smokes. On the other hand there's a surprising amount of swearing. Honestly I couldn't wait for it to finish.

Darkness of Man (2024)

Crap of dog

[2/10 · 25 May 2024]

If you want to hear JCVD mumble dialogue in a deep voice, trying to be sexy for the 5 or 6 women who still watch his movies. He's Dexter Morgan, have a very slow pace to the point if you're here for action you can seriously skip 35 minutes of the movie by all means. I had a feeling this was going to be awful with the amount of production teams and so forth involved in it. Seriously it was like a grocery list of people involved in this.

Jayden's actor can't act to save his life. He reminded me of Denny in the cult classic The Room (2003) with Tommy Wiseau. How he got cast in a movie is beyond me.

On paper I'm sure the plot was good but the director does such a poor job of keeping any interest in this. It's like a really awful noir style detective movie.

I've seen all the movies JCVD has been a lead in and unless the money was impossible to turn down I wouldn't have said yes to be in this one. I wanted to turn it off multiple times. Although this isn't his worst movie it's certainly in the top 3.

Missing in Action (1984)

kind of dull

[5/10 · 24 May 2024]

The easy answer, watch Rambo 2 instead. There's actual dialogue where we like and or respect the hero. Where as this was like eating a slice of white bread with nothing on it. It's just some boring guy with a breathy voice who goes in and there's a ton of explosions. The rating out of 10 this movie has didn't surprise me at all. Chuck is a legendary martial artist but I've yet to see a good movie from him. This would be the third or fourth from him so far I've seen.

Almost nothing happens to our hero to make this remotely interesting. Though the plot is coherent there's so little dialogue in it, just some almost silent, wood chipper going through East Asia.

There's hardly any musical score, it's just quiet when it needs to be which created this really dull atmosphere. The director did a good job making Chuck look tall. Both with who they cast and the angles the camera was shot in. It reminded me of 2010 give or take era Steven Segal movies trying to make him look thinner.

I'd have this on in the background while I work out or do other things as I know I can just quickly glance at the movie when the odd explosion or two happens or there's some actual action in it which this movie surely has it's share of it and know I haven't missed anything important.

American Streetfighter (1992)

laughably bad acting

[4/10 · 22 May 2024]

The acting in this movie is up there with Tommy Wiseau The Room (2003) or Angel Town starring. Olivier Gruner from 1990. I had to pause the movie and laugh a few times.

The hair in this movie is glorious for our two heroes, the brother Randy certainly didn't get the role for his acting skills as if I was the director any time I'm upset I could listen to him "act". If anything this made me want to watch the first two seasons of Arrow again. As in the only two watchable seasons.

Alright back to the movie, about 42 minutes in the movie got so silly that I lost any respect in it. Sure I finished it but the 10 year old boy absolutely RUINED the movie. One of them being a tired old cliche, the other being that he helps our hero become a better martial artist. It's like opposite land of the Karate Kid or similar movies.

The fighting is good, hence higher than a 2 or 3 this deserves, some diverse shots but how the movie ends is just silly. The musical score is OK too for what it's worth. The bad guy was forgetful and there's some plot in there, some, don't get excited, it's a bit more complex than an adult film but who knows I'll probably watch it again for a laugh as the scene of the boy getting saved from a truck is deserving of some sort of youtube highlight reel of over the top silliness.

Hard Target 2 (2016 Video)

fun to watch

[7/10 · 19 May 2024]

I'd give this a 6.5, Perhaps because of all the crap I've seen lately that may have made this more enjoyable. I'll admit my expectations weren't the highest, the only thing good about the original Hard Target was that final scene where JCVD is shooting enemies with magazines worth of bullets. However they made this film work. Take Hard Target and mix it with "Surviving The Game" the movie with Gary Busey and Ice T how Ice T is getting chased by thrill seekers in the wilderness.

From the beginning the director does a good job where we root for Scott and then tragedy strikes and he ends up where he does. The biggest surprise though was Robert Knepper was in this from Prison Break and Transporter 3 among other movies. How he convinces Scott to participate is something I believe a bad guy like him would do and then the movie begins. I find it kind of silly though they had o add a father and son in it just like surviving the game. What separates this movie from the other two though is we get this Asian woman helping Scott and there's some redemption and other things but thankfully it's not one cliche after another if people get my drift.

This is a fun dumb reach sort of movie where you don't need a complex story and just want to kick back and have some fun, it's nothing life changing is going to happen, no amazing soundtrack with an anthem like the Stan Bush song he did for Blood Sport but I'd get a few friends together and watch this instead of one of the thousands it feels like of crappy super hero fad movies.

The Last Kumite (2024)

the first poomite

[3/10 · 17 May 2024]

I love 80s action movies, I've seen countless ones both higher budgeted and direct to video ones and you'll find some gems in the lower end spectrum if you look hard enough and I'll admit I was mildly excited to see this, some youtubers hyped this movie up during the production phase of it and seeing some people who have been in their share of martial arts movies such as Matthias Hues, Billy Banks, Cynthia Rothrock and Abdel Qissi but even that couldn't stop how bland this movie is.

The lead actor can fight but just because he can it doesn't mean he's got that "it" factor to be a lead in a martial arts film. I really dislike his accent too. They don't have to be American or British for me to like them either. I get it Kumite and JCVD we need a man with an accent but at least JCVD was charismatic and his face brought women to the theaters. The villains of this movie were hit and miss, Matthias doesn't have the right presence and showmanship to command that small audience of people in the tournament. The only thing I'll remember about his performance is his outfits. He seems too friendly. Not in the menacing sort of way of say Calypso in the Playstation 1 or 2 era Twisted Metal games. However Draco worked good enough.

Most of the fighters in this movie are middle aged or older, over the hill "fighters" especially when Matthias has them all introduce each other, I felt like the youtube personality Nostalgia Critic when he found out that Tommy Wiseau was the main star in The Room. How far did Ron Hall (Mathias Hues) look for his world class fighters, 2 bowling alleys and a super market? Yet you've got others who look more legit. The one that surprised me was how David Kurzhal (Viking Samurai) was in this. The most pointless casting hands down was Kurt McKinney. It surprised me that he was in No Retreat No Surrender. His acting was the bare minimum trying for that cool guy sort of approach.

The soundtrack was forgetful. Stan Bush had a great voice, I get it he's in his mid 30s like he was when he sang "fight to survive" or "the touch" but his vocals are just stiff and you can tell his age, that or it's just a stale and boring song. Paul Hertzog seemed to just be recycling scores from other movies with slight twists where it feels he phoned it in. There are plenty of great bands and composers who can keep the 80s alive who could have done the same job better and or cheaper. That would have been my 2 cents to add to this movies budget. Some of the headlining actors hardly did anything, one actor was so out of shape I didn't recognize him at first and I've seen one of his movies from 30 years ago very recently. I couldn't get into this movie if my life depended on it. That's how boring I found the lead actor in this. I get it that this was a love letter to the 80s for all the great movies we got back then and beyond, the soundtrack being dull too makes this movie fall flat on both promises. I wouldn't have let them use the word kumite in this.

If I could turn the hands of time back and tell all the people who were in charge of this movie. Spend less on all the big named actors, some are fine but the most I could have done without. Blood Sport's many JCVD free sequels were better than this trash.

Surf Ninjas (1993)

this was a good movie .......sike

[3/10 · 17 May 2024]

I get it, it's a kids movie I shouldn't be too harsh towards it but I have to. The only thing original and clearly not product placement is how the younger brother "utilizes" the Sega Game Gear. Good on the director for ensuring there was a cartridge in the console. Not like in Jackie Chan movie "Rumble In The Bronx" which is 10 times better of a movie.

The over the top bad guy was fun, we see this apparent flaw to him and everything so even if both the lead actors were old enough to buy beer it could have worked to a degree.

Rob and his legendary hair I'd love to know the story on. This is another one of those movies he didn't need to be in. He must have the best agent ever to shoehorn him in so many movies. What I found interesting was the fact he was about 30 - 31 in this movie trying to act like he was in the 11th grade. Then again this is pretty much the standard these days.

To me the comedy didn't work, I may have laughed once. The lead actor could have been better cast and the plot was OK. The boy could fight in this and at least he had some muscles without being a steroid monster. There was some diverse scenes too. If anything this made me want to watch Commando with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Arnold infiltrating the made up country / island and doing what Arnold does best was far more entertaining. I'm not even joking the first 30 or so minutes of this I struggled to stay awake.

This would have been a lot of fun in the 90s for a kid to watch, a dumb rental at a video store to shut the kids up but grown up this movie is really forgetful.

Ready to Rumble (2000)

ready to crumble

[2/10 · 15 May 2024]

By no surprise this movie was a bomb, the leads are all so unlikable, they could have worked if they had a better director or better written dialogue. At least a few people are honest about what most wrestling fans are and how wrestling is fake. I remember watching this when I was around 10 or 11 and now 24 years later this movie is just trash.

This movie plot had potential, I found "the king" to be so unlikable. He seems to have gotten what he deserves, yet for some reason he has extremely loyal fans. He barely looks like a wrestler. The lead actor is just about eye level with Bill Goldberg who is 6'4 though, but he looks too old, too fat and never gets in shape. The only thing this king looks like he can rule is a Burger King.

The comedy is forced, it's like the unfunny kid in school who keeps making jokes even though no one is laughing. They should have hired a second writer to improve the script.

If you want a far better so bad it's good wrestling movie, watch No Holds Barred with Hulk Hogan. That movie is not a comedy, yet it's got a surprising amount of cast members who went on to have careers. Not like James Caan's son in this who only got the job because of daddy.

The crowds are pathetically small, almost as bad as independent wrestling events held in school gyms. I'm surprised they had so many big named wrestlers in this and the soundtrack wasn't horrible, a lot of big hits around 2000. Kid Rock was a god among men in the early 2000s.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)

Honey, I bored the kids

[3/10 · 14 May 2024]

How can a movie with such an imaginative premise be so boring. Back then I imagine this would have been such an original concept that you couldn't help but go to the movie theater and see. Sort of like when Jurassic Park came out or similar.

The casting was terrible, I get it, child actors aren't going to do the greatest acting in the world 9 out of 10 but just the casting and chemistry of everyone was so dull. You've got this Rod Stewart looking kid and the three cliches like the geek kid, the pretty blonde and the really unlikable little brother from the Jim Carey knock off next doors family.

A good majority of the film all they do is have an adventure in the back yard. The animation on the ant made me want to watch Robocop 1 again. There was hardly any humor, any fun adventures like if they explored the kitchen or anything around the house. You almost forget at times that they are shrunk and it's just like this boring quest movie.

By the end of the movie how quickly things wrap up is just astonishingly lazy. I'm so glad I didn't watch this in the 90s as a kid or my parents wasted money renting this at a video store. My weekend would have been ruined.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Shaketopia (2023) Season 12, Episode 1

really?

[2/10 · 14 May 2024]

I've been watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force since the early 2000s and this episode was a complete waste of time, it had hardly any plot or humor. Just Shake being Shake. You'll understand this when you see it. The only people who really went above and beyond on this episode was the animation department as they did a fantastic job with all the visuals and everything. How bland this episode it gives the second movie they did a run for its money on the mediocrity this has.

I would not have animated, let alone pitched the plot of this episode and this is coming from a hardcore fan. How did any network executive who calls the shots approve of this episode thinking it was good enough for production.

I'm appreciative that the original voice actors came back and did the voices but I wouldn't have said yes to this one unless they all loved working together or it was a quick pay day. There's no way in heck this deserves the rating out of 10 this has received.

The Indian in the Cupboard (1995)

very unique

[6/10 · 13 May 2024]

Great camera work, a good musical score that helps set the moods and the acting was quite solid all around. That or after watching a big pile of direct to video action movies my expectations were low.

The special effects team truly went above and beyond to make this happen. Although the story was really nothing to write home about unless you dig and look for deeper meanings, then this is a dull movie. The story to this is quite unique where almost anyone can appreciate the imagination that went into putting this together. Is it the most interesting movie though? Not really. I probably wouldn't watch it again. The story is bland a 4 out of 10 at best but the special effects and creativity I'll bump this up to a 6.

Renegade (1992–1997)

better back then I imagine

[5/10 · 12 May 2024]

This goes from having a shoe string, direct to video budget and feel. Those types of action movies which are right up my alley. The acting is questionable. The same level you'd get from a children's TV series around that time "Are You Afraid Of The Dark" or "Goosebumps". However these actors should know better, I'll admit Lorenzo improves slightly as the series goes on as an actor but those first two seasons I had a few times where I burst out laughing at either him or one of the co-stars. Bobby Sixkiller's actor had the best job in the world, wear ugly blazers or sports jackets. Smoke cigars and drive hummers. He's likeable but can get annoying. The worst of the three who clearly got the role for her acting abilities was Cheyenne. I watched the whole series for free on Youtube and everyone went on about how pretty she was and everything. I don't see the appeal and there's tons of great 90s female leads.

So we have that, a budget 90s direct to video action, we've got some hot women on the beach wearing hardly anything to get the men to watch these mostly "memorable" story lines or in other scenes. How about for the women? Well this episode has its share of episodes that have nothing to do with Reno's story which is all I really cared about. It has these one off episodes you can play in any order where he's practically Fabio from the romance novels bored mothers and housewives bought back then. In Lorenzo's case he doesn't have Fabio's looks or physique but it's close enough. The women on Youtube calling him handsome and attractive comments on there always made my eyes roll. Unless women are really into guys who look like Jim Morrison, Chris Broderick (guitarist #9999 of Megadeth) or similar. Sporting a duster jacket trying to be like Sting the WCW wrestler who was cool back then. Even in season 3 they gave Reno this silly jump to capture his bounties. I guess it's more believable than Bobby's clothesline he does to take bounties down.

Alright some things I didn't care about the show

At first, it's a believable, even relatable. A story about revenge and redemption. However even before the first episode is done we already know what is going to happen because someone decided to put that crappy opening theme song from it. Then usually the creator of the show sneaks his name into the credits as the episode develops which just ruins certain plot twists or surprises as well. At least by season 5 he's in the opening credits. At first Reno is using the money from his bounties to pay for his girlfriend's hospital bills and honestly it's noble, we'd do the same in his shoes. Well it goes down hill from there. Reno goes around on this ugly Harley Davidson with the flame gas tank and can somehow sneak up on bad guys, yet any other time with Harley's you can hear them a block or so away, it made it tough sneaking back in for girls after a late night date with their biker boyfriends for thousands I'm sure. He then pulls out usually a shotgun which everyone knows how inaccurate they are as he's even pulled it out during hostage situations. That's OK though just about everyone in the series is a lousy shot. They make storm troopers from Star Wars look like world class snipers. The guns are so inaccurate that in this universe I wouldn't even have to wear body armor.

Although Reno keeps claiming he's doing everything for his girlfriend, the love of his life. The first season especially he goes around on his Harley saving damsels in distress kissing multiple women. Every time as the series progresses he sleeps with or gets close with a woman he always tells them who he is and they are OK with it and just let him ride off into the sunset. You're telling me one woman didn't get a bit lonely or regretful? The more he kissed women in the first season the more it made him look like a dirt bag. As Valarie which is Reno's girlfriend is way prettier than most of the women Reno is going after.

At least a few police know who he is and it helps the story. As well as Reno going to jail a few times but never anything major.

Most of the stories are forgetful and unless you see Dutch Dixon make an appearance, with few exceptions it's not worth watching the episode(s). Especially by season 5 there was just a string of bad episodes like the writers knew there wasn't going to be a 6th season and had a contract to fulfill. Whoever though it was a good idea for Lorenzo to direct 5 episodes lost their mind. Maybe one of his was good. However if I had to pick one episode that was worth watching it was the one about the terminally ill hitman with the daughter in the wheel chair. It was such a good episode I forgot for a moment I was watching Renegade. Lorenzo's wig in season 5 kept reminding me of the cult classic movie Samurai cop as both actors had to wear wigs to finish their filming obligations.

There were a small handful of celebrities I spotted during the show. Michael from GTA 5, Danny Trejo for about 5 minutes, certain athletes,Johnny Cash for some reason and so forth. I'm sure there are and were others involved.

The series ended well, I would have done an actual direct to video movie to tie things up for the less imaginative. I would have left things at the 4th season, getting rid of some filler episodes as I just feel like the series, every time Reno can clear his name where they dangle a carrot in front of our faces and pull it away happened way too much. It made the TV series Blacklist look good for how many times it did with us there. Then again, we know how many episodes there are and how boring it would be without him being wanted.

Maybe if this was the 90s I'd rate it higher but right now it's barely watchable unless you're into bad acting or are just waiting for a TV series or movie you actually want to see is released.

Final Impact (1992)

fun to watch

[6/10 · 23 February 2024]

Does anything original happen in this movie? No, you've probably seen it a million times. I think a huge reason I didn't turn this movie off was because Lorenzo played the part so well and it didn't seem forced or out of character if that makes sense. He brings this coolness to the character even though you should dislike him. Besides him there's not a single memorable character in this.

The kick boxer that Nick (Lorenzo) trains is pretty meat and potatoes. He can fight but his acting is like some high school kid doing the bare minimum to pass a Spanish class, shooting for that 60% or so. However the worst actor by far has to be the old man perpetually smoking cigars who is the other fighters coach for Jake the bad guy at the end of the movie.

The sets were diverse, there was a few scenes I was tempted to laugh at how poor the acting was and the cheap keyboad musical scores I'd take points off but all in all, this movie turned out to be better than I thought it would as really I just put this on to fall asleep to.

Final Round (1994 Video)

Generic Round

[5/10 · 21 February 2024]

This movie was OK to say the least. It was like a mixture of a few movies such as Hard Target with JCVD, if you've seen the original Saw movie from.2004 and sillier stuff such as. Running Man (1987) with Arnold Schwarzenegger or the video game Smash TV on Nintendo put all of that into a blender and you'd have this movie. This would have been a fun one to rent in the 90s as there's a lot of worst movies out there you could watch.

The cast is forgetful for the most part and if anything with the actor who played Delgado I kept making remarks about the person looking like the politician Justin Treudau.

Unless I saw a heavily edited for TV version.as I've heard there's a second cut of this that is over 1 hour and 18 minutes but nowhere near enough fighting or action happens in this for me to give it more than a 5 star.

Getting near the end of the movie it starts to unravel, the hunters start killing each other. The man in the suit with the shotgun should never have been involved more than passing the last two guys guns. A lot of that made this lose points to the point it just got boring and made the ending seem unsatisfying. Oh you just killed a few people, go ahead, you can go. We're not going to pay you or the moderately attractive woman, no we're going to make sure Justin gets hunted but you can go now! Want to work for our organization? No.. ok byeeee.

Double Blast (1994 Video)

double flush

[4/10 · 20 February 2024]

This is such a bad movie. This just insults the viewers at how they think so low of kids intelligence. I absolutely hate how these kids who aren't even old enough to see a PG-13 movie are able to beat up grown adults. Such as the movie "3 ninjas.(1992)" this is one of those squeaky clean kids movies where there's no blood or anyone dying. Yet for some reason they uttered the word R word twice in this movie.

Can anyone act in this movie? Not really. They are goofy and mostly it's just slapstick humor to the point I wasn't sure what to expect as I just went in blind to this movie. This is another one of those movies where the bad guys get beaten up countless times and they really didn't have many other cast members so they just kept getting up and wanting to get beaten up again.

The movie stretches on for too long. You can tell it had inspiration from movies such as Home Alone 1 and 2. At least the dads martial arts looked fine. By the time there's a cave involved I could not pay attention to this movie if my life depended on it. The only thing I'll remember from this is Robert's glorious chin! Skip this. If I was any child actor in this movie. No matter how small of a role I'd be embarrassed.

Midnight Man (1995)

midnight runs

[3/10 · 19 February 2024]

This movie just came off as bland, so bland that even Steven Seagal would probably have said no to starring in it. Instead they get this actor sporting a glorious mullet similar to JCVD in the movie Hard Target and dresses like the countless grunge rock bands that were dying out at that point. My hair is longer than Lorenzo's and I'd still be the jerk telling him to cut it to look more legit if I was the director or an executive producer.

The first 30 minutes minus a shootout in this mansion were pretty generic and could easily have been cut from the movie. Then again the movie would be under an hour if so. The oil truck scene would have worked if it didn't feel like a video game such as Goldeneye on Nintendo 64 where enemies kept appearing out of nowhere during the shootout as well. The Russian mafia boss hardly sounds Russian. They could have just bugged Ron Jeremy to be in it.

Lorenzo can fight, this almost comes off as a vanity project as everyone loves him and thinks he's so awesome. He's a little too soft spoken to the point he just comes off as kind of boring. Lorenzo is this walking wood chipper who doesn't lose a single fight so to me anyways you don't get very involved in this. The villain was pretty bland and the story was nothing special. It was like a better made Samurai Cop. However it just drove me nuts that this more than likely 100% North American looking guy knows Cambodian fluently. Besides that the last fight was just boring how it ended. Were they going for a PG13 rating? Either way a 3.5 star from me. The fighting was good, the opening score was catchy, there was a plot to follow and the locations were somewhat diverse. I love the explosions from the grenade launchers. However this movie was just bland and I feel could have been done better. I wonder if this was direct to TV or one of those direct to video ones no one had ever heard of and are as bored as I was on a Sunday night to watch. My big question. Did this movie make any money?

Bloodmoon (1997)

not bad

[6/10 · 18 February 2024]

I'd give this a 5.5 out of 10. The chemistry between the two unlikely partners is more better than for instance Lethal Weapon or Beverly Hills Cop 1 or 2. The plot was somewhat original as well I'll give it that. One of the highlights was the over acting that the captain did in this. The action was well choreographed bordering on over the top. There's some questionable acting as well where you don't know whether to laugh or know it's a serious scene.

The masters daughter. Megan I think her name was. She reminded me of Ashley in Resident Evil 4 for some reason.

The bad guy was like a coked out Antonio Banderas in for example Zoro or some Mariachi movie. If it was any sillier in the beginning I would have thought I was watching WCW.

The ending was kind of silly but I enjoyed this. It's almost a good movie to me.

Talons of the Eagle (1992)

ok but not great

[5/10 · 16 February 2024]

I'd give this a 5.5 maximum out of 10. This movie stars a dollar store hybrid of a shorter Steven Seagal as he sports a pony tail and the leather jackets, JCVD with the unidentifiable accent and the good looks of someone along the lines of Joe Pesci or Sardo (Richard Dumont) from Are You Afraid Of The Dark minus those beautiful curls. What surprised me is how almost every training scene he's sweaty. The only thing nice I'll say about the actor is I love his Ellesse track suit. He looks like a walking, talking Jazz paper cup. I kept calling the actor Steven Fauxgal.

For a movie shot in Toronto you don't see much of the city and they insist on using US currency. You can spot Canadian money a mile away due to the colors. What surprised me was that Matthias Hues was in this.

The story is pretty bland and forgetful where they seem heavily inspired by films such as Bloodsport (1988), yet after a few poorly shot fights they just go back into this incredibly mediocre action movie. They even got Michael to do the splits. I can't get over how short he is compared to Billy Banks. I hated how much they relied on vents in this movie as well.

Billy and Michael seemed to have chemistry, more so than say Lethal Weapon 1 or 2 or possibly the Rush Hour franchise. There was some heart to this as there was quite a lot of explosions. The fight choreography was OK, not great. Perhaps it was the opponents. I don't know. I'm not in the movie industry. The last 10 or 15 minutes should have been the best but I was just so bored I didn't care. I would have scrapped all the scenes and started over if the budget would have allowed it.

My least favorite scene in the entire movie was where Michael is in the speedo. His shirt is on inside out and there's a really cringy shower scene. You can tell the girl was more in quantum physics. There's some REALLY ugly strippers in this movie as well.

The only two Canadian things in this movie where one biker said "eh", the Toronto police cop car and of course the cop had to watch hockey.

One weird credit they said "tourney fighters" and early on in the movie they had the lights too bright on a corpse and his eyes are twitching.

Ninja Busters (1984)

Toilet Cloggers

[2/10 · 15 February 2024]

This movie has more of an identity crisis than a teenager in a North American high school. The opening is hilariously bad trying to introduce the actor(s) as if any of them are seriously going to have careers after this... better yet an audience of this shoe string budgeted movie. One moment we think it's going to be a ninja movie, the next minute a comedy... could it be both? Sure it's been done before. However this would mean that either the fights would have to be choreographed way better or the jokes had to make us laugh. I'm wondering if this was just some rich guys vanity project. Usually I go out of my way to find movies like this where they are "so bad they are good" but this one is just bad.

The music is terrible. Chic was absolutely the worst cast of anyone in this "movie", the problem is that he looks like most peoples father in the 80s, not some martial arts expert or action hero. He seemed like he was wearing a wig in it. I find it more easier to believe two students waited 3 years to fight each other than his hairline and I'm too lazy to google the actor. Both Chic and Bernie look about twice all the girls ages that they are flirting with, they are like Beavis And Butthead but unlike those two these guys are just extremely obnoxious and stupid. I wonder how much of the script was written with the aid of Colombian nose candy because I don't think anyone sober (or sane) could write this train wreck. Not a single actor in this is memorable and I'd be embarrassed to say I was a part of this.

Were all the ninjas that allegedly trained since the age of 5 all trained at a Mcdojo and not a real dojo by some shyster. Most just ran up to people waving weapons around and were essentially bullet sponges.

If you're here for ninja fighting action skip to about 50 something minutes in. I don't get it. Was this supposed to be a family comedy where it's fun and clean enough for anyone who didn't know any better to watch? Why a 2 star? Sadly I finished it, it had somewhat of a plot too.

The Last Reunion (1980)

unbelievably bad

[2/10 · 14 February 2024]

The only thing this movie really has going for it is you can follow the plot. Whether or not you've seen the poster of this movie which I seriously question if this movie had a theatrical release considering who is the top billed actors in this. Which both of them the only reason I know them is from other "so bad it's good movies". The other thing this has going for it is a diverse amount of shots around what I imagine is exclusively the Philippines. Besides that this movie is just boring.

Hardly anything happens in this, You could clean your house, work out or cook a 3 course meal for your family and even if you only have short glances at this movie I guarantee you won't miss a thing. There is so little action in this movie is one huge complaint I have with this. Sure it's Leo Fong and not some legit tough guy of that era but for the most part it's just following a bunch of army soldiers around as they are all reuniting in the Philippines. I was constantly checking to see how much more of this film I had to endure like a child eagerly waiting to open up his or her Christmas presents. The ending is terrible and I wonder if this was just an excuse for a bunch of friends to have a free vacation as I can't imagine anyone legitimately enjoying this movie. Perhaps this plot could have worked if they had a different... everything. Even caterer. Skip this unless you need help going to sleep.

Operation Black Ops (2023)

operation: crap drops

[1/10 · 11 February 2024]

With a shoe string budget, 45 minutes minimum of filler where the typical cliche soldier is getting an old team back together and very VERY little action happens I wonder how this got green lit as it'll take more than a legendary UFC fighter to put people in seats or click play on a streaming website.

The intro was too long, that cheesy fire effect was so out of date. The opening scene was hilarious with the orange tipped guns. I'm no gun expert but airsoft or something? They filled up the movie with a big pile of those drone shots that try to make this "movie" seem better than it is and increase the run time. The worst scene in this movie had to be in the locker room when they are trying to convince the first person to accept the mission. Tons of awkward pauses and the lip syncing was laughable. As was a scene in the park with two agents talking. Certain scenes it made the infamous flower shop scene in The Room with Tommy Wiseau from 2003 look more professional. How poorly this was edited you'd think it was an older Steven Seagal movie (2006 or so) that had a different voice actor doing the dubs. Did the character Parker write the script? The only saving grace is seeing Tito in a movie and the pretty dark haired girl trying to be like Rambo or many other action stars trying to say as little as possible. Someone completely out of touch with reality wrote this.

If you're here for action, there's hardly any

the gunshots and all that were done in post production and look cheap

I spent more time trying to figure out the ethnicity of. Cris "Cyborg" Venâncio's ethnicity.

The final shootout was horrible. Either I had the worlds longest blink or the person who mashed it all together did an awful job and the extraction of a certain character by helicopter was lazily done.

Either way skip this movie, even if that means watching a movie again, even if that means doing that extremely tedious thing in your life you're avoiding right now.. do that instead. This BARELY qualifies as a movie. This is just a tiny step further than a youtube or similar site video.

Violent Night (2022)

boring night

[2/10 · 10 February 2024]

Visually this movie they did a good job, a diverse set of scenes and.the plot, even though it was forgetful where I won't remember what this movie is about by next Christmas they did a good job. To an extent this is a love letter to actually good Christmas action movies. However this movie is like a blueprint of everything not to do in a movie. Everything is a cliche or satire. It's like that unfunny guy we know in work or school who is telling a joke. No one is laughing, yet they keep going and going. The pacing sucked, they just stretched it out as far as possible to get past that hour and a half of time.

There were some creative kills where it felt like a slightly dialed back Mortal Kombat fatality. However the cast sucked. Not a single memorable actor was in this. Is it possible for John Leguizamo to be in a good movie? I'd seriously consider watching that 1993 Mario movie over this again. This is like Gymkata, Blind Rage or Hobo With A Shotgun where it should have been laughed out of the room where the studio(s) shouldn't have touched it.

There wasn't enough fighting, thankfully they didn't hire Seth Rogan to be in this or I would have turned this off for sure. I'm still shocked this made money in the box office. Seriously skip this. Go watch Cobra with Sylvester Stallone instead. The opening to the worlds manliest movie is a Christmas movie, a better movie too.

Forced Vengeance (1982)

forced viewing

[3/10 · 8 February 2024]

This is such a bad movie, I honestly don't know what people see in Chuck Norris. Sure he's an accomplished Martial Artist and I respect his time in the military but he's such a boring person in this movie. His breathy voice just put me to sleep, you've got to show more than one emotion. I've only seen him in a few movies but at first I thought the actor was just some nobody adult film star and it's definitely not the silly cowboy hats he's sporting throughout the movie. I honestly just clicked and watched this not knowing Chuck was in this. I thought it was going to be a vanity project style movie such as Champagne And Bullets (1993) or similar.

The second the plot actually thickens without ruining it, the movie REALLY goes downhill. Perhaps it's the person who wrote the scripts fault or the lack of a budget. I'll admit I enjoyed this more than Enter The Dragon which was the last movie I saw shot partially (as far as I know) in Hong Kong.

The plot is unoriginal, the fights were OK at best. It's just some tasteless action movie we picture our parents watching. When we come back from the video store in that era when we rent a comedy, cartoon or whatever. It's an over done story and the only saving grace is the odd shot or two of Hong Kong that makes me want to actually visit there. The villains henchman was terrible, he had the worst wig in Hong Kong on it looked like, the last two fight scenes were laughably bad.

Don't bother unless you're a hardcore. Chuck Norris fan. I'd rather watch a Steven Seagal movie made after 2005. I had to force myself to finish watching this garbage.

The Beekeeper (2024)

kind of creative

[6/10 · 6 February 2024]

I saw this movie the other day and there were parts of it that were really well directed or written, however that ending was just poorly done. The casting was all over the place, it's like they had to find a balance between "woke" and hipster like casting. I hate the hairstyle that someone had to have agreed upon for "Verona Parker" (Emmy Raver-Lampman). Then of course the other bee keeper Jason Statham fights in the gas station just made me cringe. Just another person trying hard to embrace the 1980s style and culture but probably didn't grow up in it with her awful haircut, the jacket and anything else just made it look like they were trying too hard. However that was one of the best scenes in the movie without any doubt. In the call centers I would have rather Jason fly to "South Asia" and do all the destruction that he does over there as we all know where most of those scams are coming from! However language barriers and all that would be a bit difficult. Instead Jason barely drives across America. Maybe a state or two maximum and he just beats up or murders hipsters for the most part. Sure there are actual soldiers and everything but those call centers are mostly hipsters who the only time they have probably ever seen a firearm was playing Call Of Duty while they ate Doritos and drank Mountain Dew to be "ironic".

The bad guys plot was horrible, we didn't need the 28 year old. However he played his role well to be that unlikable. I do feel Jeremy Irons should have been the actual bad guy instead. The worst thing that hipster looking kid probably did was forgetting to tip a waiter I'd look at him as. The second the movie got to the second call center it REALLY went downhill. Finally revealing how the mother got where she was and trying to link all these silly things together. It's like the movie "The Painter" which came out recently where the movie was good but the endings were awful. I even sat through until the end of the credits hoping we'd get a bit more but nope!

The final fight was well done, it wasn't a one sided Steven Seagal fight. The fact that Jason was fighting against men he didn't intend to kill and shooting them in the body armor to knock them out was good. They even tried to implement bee facts in the movie as besides that the most we had was Jason tossing a jar of honey at someone. They had a few creative kills as well in this. I loved the bridge scene the most or when they are in the barn.

The current rating of 6.5 is a perfect rating for this. It had a ton of potential to become a better movie but a different director and work on the script may have improved it. Who knows maybe in 2034 or 2044 there will be a remake. They've made them for lesser movies.

Death Fighter (2017)

boredom maker

[3/10 · 3 February 2024]

When I found out this movie was made in 2017 I was shocked. Either they rented out the worst cameras or something because this screamed one of those awful 90s TV movies and we've all seen our share of them. Save your time and or money and watch Rambo 2 or 4 instead. This is like a dollar store version of one of those for the most part.

The main character is so incredibly boring. The partner in this (Joe Lewis) it actually surprised me that he was not the director of the movie how fat, old and out of shape he was. Cynthia Rothrock and Don The Dragon Wilson's salaries for this movie could have been spent elsewhere to get a better product. I'll admit the main character has his moments where he can fight but I wouldn't have cast him on his martial arts skills alone.

This movie does absolutely nothing original, Cynthia saying to one person you wouldn't shoot a woman" was one of the dumbest scenes in the movie. Even one of the actors inadvertently says she's too old for this movie if you misinterpret it. Although she has pretty high billing in this movie, yet it's like one Steven Seagal's later movies and There is so little plot in this movie I had to give this a second sitting to see if I missed anything as originally I just had this on in the background while I looked for stuff to buy online. However the second sitting. Where I paid close attention to the dialogue I didn't miss a thing it turned out.

And that last shoot out was like something out of Scarface with Al Pacino. It was just insulting! I doubt anyone would remember seeing this movie in 2 or 3 years.