Go_For_The_Jugular Reviews

Sumotherhood (2023)

Home Alone Syndrome!

[2/10 · 24 December 2023]

You know how Home Alone 1 and 2 are timeless classics...and every other Home Alone after them have been absolute abominations...

Well that's exactly what we have here with 'Sumotherhood'. Kidulthood and Adulthood were brilliant, but every spin-off since has been pure garbage.

Appearing to be written by school kids on a bus home from school...unfunny, OTT stereotypes, forced, pointless cameos, almost zero story...the whole thing is just WACK!

I literally only laughed ONCE, during the Ed Sheeran scene...he was only on for about 45 seconds...and the fact that he was the best thing in the entire film, tells you all you need to know.

These guys are living in the past and trying way too hard to keep this franchise alive.

Get some professional writers, start a new project ..and move on!

Bad Match (2017)

Fizzled out quickly.

[3/10 · 9 June 2023]

This started out really good...I was fully engaged...but by the 1-hour mark, it just became something I had on in the background. Mainly because it just didn't go anywhere. The pacing was awful.

But in general, it was a decent flick. The sound and cinematography were good. Although a lot of the movie is really dark and quiet...and during those scenes l had absolutely no idea what was going on. But I was able to join the dots.

The twist at the end was a nice touch. Confusingly, the final 15 minutes are both action-packed and kind of dull at the same time.

Overall, an average movie, with a decent plot...but that's about it. It struggles to maintain after the first act and as a consequence, is very forgettable, with absolutely zero replay value.

The Selling (2011)

Wildly Overrated!

[1/10 · 8 June 2023]

I'm sorry, but I'm just not understanding all the hype surrounding this film.

Firstly, it's streaming free on 'Amazon Freevee', which is usually a good indication that it's going to be crap!

I love the idea/plot, but it just didn't hold my attention. I switched it off after about 30 minutes.

It looks cheap, sounds cheap, poor acting, slow and boring pace, very cringe...basically all the things I hate in movies.

Seems more like someone's passion project, more than anything else. Budget seems to be about the seem as a week's grocery shopping.

I didn't watch long enough to judge any CGI, but in the 30 minutes I did watch, all the 'horror' happens off screen - (furniture is placed neatly, camera cuts to actor's face, you hear a bang, camera cuts back and the furniture is stacked in a pile).

I have nothing against someone having a go at making a movie...that's more than I've done, but it's a BIG no from me!

Marlon Wayans: God Loves Me (2023 TV Special)

Will Smith's autobiography(!)

[2/10 · 6 March 2023]

I love Marlon Wayans, he's great in TV shows, he's OK in films, but he is AWFUL in stand-up!

I didn't laugh once during this, but I'd laugh every 30 seconds if I was watching an episode of 'The Wayans Bros'.

My God, couldn't he write any material? This was all about Will Smith...and that infamous Oscars incident. It dragged on for way too long. He spent way too much of the set on Will Smith. We're over it now. To be honest, I'd forgotten about the slap, until Marlon mentioned it.

I wish he'd spent a few minutes on Will and then moved on. I would of preferred to hear more about his family, growing up with so many siblings etc.

It just wasn't funny. It was more like an interview on a talk show, where Marlon told anecdotes, than an actual stand-up routine.

Stick to wacky, over-the-top roles in movies and TV shows. That's where you excel.

Look up Marlon, say cheese!

M3GAN (2022)

It's just an extended trailer

[2/10 · 18 January 2023]

Wow! So disappointed with this. When the trailer dropped, last year, I was blown away. It looked epic! I've been looking forward to seeing it ever since. Sadly, it wasn't even half as good as I expected.

Where was the movie? It's basically just the trailer...stretched to the length of a movie. They dropped the ball with the trailer, because that's literally all the movie has to offer. The scenes in the trailer, are all the scenes in the movie...and that's it!

There's no real backstory, or build-up, or even character development. Everything just happens super-fast. It all seems very rushed...like the writers couldn't wait to get to the M3gan reveal part.

Padded out with a LOT of unnecessary characters, scenes and dialogue. It's almost as if they filmed the trailer first...and then tried to build the movie around it...and ran out of ideas.

Apart from the 2 leads, everyone else is very unlikeable. A lot of unnecessary deaths and dancing, it was all just so bizarre. I'm still not 100% sure what M3gan's motivation for some of her actions were.

It's not really a 'horror'...it's more of a violent thriller.

The doll itself looked reasonably good, for the times when it wasn't the little girl inside the costume. But it looked ridiculous during the 'woods' and dog attack' scenes. For something that's supposed to have all that tech under the skin, it looked like it weighed the same as an iPad when picked up/dragged about.

IDK, I'm just so underwhelmed with it. It barely made any sense and it didn't really sustain my attention for more than a few minutes at a time...which is a shame, because the idea, although unoriginal, was good.

Sick (2022)

Nothing special

[3/10 · 15 January 2023]

I was totally unaware of this film until today...and I hadn't seen any trailers for it...so I was literally going in blind.

It started off ok-ish, with kind of Wes Craven vibes, but went downhill rapidly!

It's set at the height of the Covid pandemic, which is all but played out now...ENOUGH!!! But the pandemic element added almost nothing to the film. Just 20 seconds of tension near the end. It was more of a rushed reason for this film to exist. If you're gonna make a film that throws the pandemic right in your face, then you better make the pandemic the star of the show...and have a massive bearing on the plot. It could of quite easily have been set anytime in the past, or future.

Wasn't really original in any way, shape, or form. Unknown calls/texts has been done to death. Stuck in an isolated cabin in the middle of nowhere, a couple of fakeouts...and practically every other cliche in the book was present.

The killers weren't scary at all, they were more like comical ninjas.

The film is almost pitch black for about 95% of the runtime, which you already know, (from previous reviews), absolutely p*sses me off! There was no atmosphere, or feeling of dread. All the scenes seemed to melt into one another, with almost no build-up, or payoff. The soundtrack/score was too 'upbeat' for a horror.

It was more like 'made for TV' movie. Ultimately, it just wasn't scary.

Night Fare (2015)

Started great..ended weak!

[3/10 · 3 January 2023]

This started off so good. There was no CGI, or special fx...just 2 guys walking around a suspiciously quiet Paris at night. It was great. They skanked the taxi driver...and it really warmed up!

But after that, it just became non-sensical and silly.

It went from a genuinely good movie, to an absolute mess.

After the taxi driver got out of the car, the whole thing went supernatural...which wasn't on the cards. The whole thing took a mad turn and became a joke.

The 3rd act was an absolute omnishambles of closure and exposition. It was just a mess. The final 'explanation' made zero sense...and the final scene was absolutely ridiculous!

Summary- started great...ended horribly.

Lullaby (IV) (2022)

Lulla-BYE!

[1/10 · 30 December 2022]

I'm sure I saw the trailer for this earlier in the year...and thought 'made by the same people as Annabelle...this should be good'. I even recall the content in the trailer looking really good. But where is THAT movie? Because THIS wasn't it!

Whatever this was, it reeked of 'amateur'...and didn't feel like a real movie. It was so disjointed. I still don't really know what the plot was. And the baby crying CONSTANTLY was so annoying, it didn't help the film at all...it just made me hit fast forward!

The 2 leads, who are married with a child, had absolutely zero chemistry...they came across more like 2 strangers sharing an apartment. Really cringe special fx for the 'monsters'. The film had no atmosphere, or feeling of dread.

The acting was weak at best, the cinematography was dire, the sound was abysmal...overall, this was a total dumpster fire! Shame really, because it could of been a lot better.

The Mandela Effect got me!

Violent Night (2022)

Die Hard and Home Alone had a baby!

[2/10 · 23 December 2022]

I don't know what it was, but I just couldn't get into this. I gave it 30 minutes...and if I'm honest, even that was hard! After half an hour, I had to switch it off, because I wasn't enjoying it.

I don't know if it's the way it was filmed...the actors...or something else altogether, but this just didn't grab my attention. This is a shame, as I was really looking forward to watching it.

As my title suggests, I can only describe the 30 minutes that I watched, as a mixture of Die Hard and Home Alone...which sounds awesome...but it just wasn't.

Maybe I could of gave it longer, but I feel 30 minutes is a fair chance...and if the film hasn't grabbed my attention by then, I don't think it ever will.

Human Resources (II) (2021)

Indie for indie's sake

[3/10 · 20 December 2022]

I'm not 100% sure what I was expecting, but from the trailer, it looked like a 'decent' indie flick.

The first 15 minutes or so, are OK...but the constant look of dread, pain...and worry on the lead's face, quickly becomes annoying. I mean it's CONSTANT...in every scene he's in. I'm not sure if this was the plan, but if it was, this really spoils the film.

Besides all that weirdness, the supporting actors are awful. Not a single one shone...even in their own light. To be honest, even the lead wasn't that great. He didn't really stand out as a lead.

The cinematography is good though, but the sound is awful...especially in some of the office scenes...the sound is awful. It sounds like the boom mic is miles away from the actors.

Story was abysmal and almost non-sensical.

Just not a great movie in any way, shape, or form.

The Invitation (II) (2022)

Don't 'Count' on it(!)

[1/10 · 18 September 2022]

The only invitation needed, is an invitation to film-making school, because this was horrendous!

It's an absolute slog to get through the first 80 minutes...in which barely anything happens...and when something does happen, it's so dark, it might as well not have happened.

Almost totally void of any real 'horror', a rushed and confusing storyline, full of unnecessary and unlikeable characters.

Some really pitiful CGI and some totally mismatched music.

The whole thing is a mess from top to bottom. I'm starting to think that there's NEVER going to be another good film released...especially if Netflopz...I mean Netflix, has anything to do with it!

House of Darkness (2022)

Goes absolutely nowhere!

[1/10 · 14 September 2022]

What the heck!

Was this improvised?

It starts off fairly well, but goes absolutely nowhere. It's like the cast were just making it up as they went along.

Boring, slow, tedious and non-sensical dialogue, from start to finish.

Not even an ounce of a storyline, or plot.

Nearly 90 minutes of build-up, with the biggest anti-climax I've seen in some time.

How can someone give this the green light, then someone else make this, act in this, direct this, film this, edit this...and RELEASE THIS?

Absolutely horrible! If I had paid to watch this, I would ask for TWO refunds. Wasted my morning on this.

Justin Long and the female lead had zero chemistry. Where was the horror? 5 seconds of a woman's reflection in a mirror? I'm sorry, but the word 'horror' shouldn't be within 100 miles of this movie.

And House of 'Darkness' was the perfect title...as it's almost pitch black for 90% of the movie.

In Love with My Partner's Wife (2022 TV Movie)

The true definition of 'Made for TV'

[2/10 · 12 September 2022]

This joint screams 'made for TV'.

Cheap looking, cheap sounding, poor direction, poor script, poor acting...the list goes on.

Story is unoriginal and has been done to death. Characters all picked from the generic book of 'good looking, but can't act' catalogue!

Now I 100% disagree with spousal abuse, whether it's men to women, women to men, or any other combination...but jeez Louise, you're still married to the guy, when you sleep with his work partner...a day after leaving the house? That's wrong too!

Anyway, this film shouldn't be taken too seriously, as it's one of those afternoon films you see, just before the kids get home from school.

It tries to be a romantic thriller, but it's more of a comedy. So many goofs and continuity errors.

If this is your kind of thing, that's fine...but it just wasn't for me. Way too much unnatural human behaviour...with people reacting to things in a way that no normal person would, just so the film can be a bit more watchable.

I must be in love with the end credits, because when they came on, my heart skipped a beat...and a tiny tear rolled down my cheek.

I was so happy to see them.

Margaux (2022)

Mar-go away!

[2/10 · 11 September 2022]

Someone saw the episode of 'The Simpsons' where the Ultrahouse 3000, played by Pierce Brosnan, turns evil...and tries to kill everyone.

This is just that, ramped up to 100, in movie form...but ironically, The Simpsons' episode was only 20 minutes long, but it was still way better than this.

This had no real storyline, or character development. Full of clichés. Mediocre acting and TERRIBLE cgi!

It could almost be classed as a comedy. Awful pacing...and a horrible ending.

It did have some awesome kill scenes though!

Really starting to get annoyed with this new 600-character minimum that IMDB has implemented recently.

So even when a film has absolutely nothing worthy of talking about, we still have to stretch a review to fit the limit. Counter-productive in my opinion...as it means that a lot of reviews will be full of gibberish, just to get the numbers up!

The Cottage (2012)

Meh

[3/10 · 5 September 2022]

Started really well, but didn't maintain any momentum.

Went from weird, to bizarre, to crazy, to downright ridiculous. The last 20 minutes are like a fever dream. I could barely fathom what was going on.

Is David Arquette really like that, or was he acting that way? If that was acting, he deserves 16 Oscars, because that was so unnerving, that I started to believe we were just watching a home movie.

I love the idea...and have a thing for movies of this genre (crazy neighbour), but this really didn't quench my thirst.

Not sure why this was under the 'horror' section on Amazon Prime, as there is zero horror. Well at least what I deem horror.

Overall, starts really well and ends really poorly.

Beast (I) (2022)

90 minutes of 'cat and mouse(s)'

[2/10 · 29 August 2022]

Honestly, I wasn't impressed at all.

The best part was in the trailer, (Elba's first encounter with the lion, running back to the Jeep)...which is very misleading, as it's not as action-packed as the trailer implies.

There's a lot of 'just talking, walking, or driving'. With a lot of scenes being way longer than they need to be. Nothing more than runtime padding.

Seriously bad CGI in places, (for 2022).

They must of ran out of money, because after a very short, mediocre, final boss battle, the movie just ends!

Very underwhelming and leaves you feeling somewhat robbed of closure.

Also, Elba has a fake accent, (like almost every other thing he's ever been in). Why? What's wrong with his natural accent?

Overall, kind of boring and definitely doesn't live up to expectations, (mine at least).

Maneater (2022)

Sack the sound editor!

[1/10 · 29 August 2022]

Was this a movie, or a cinematic music video?

The music was TOO LOUD! I couldn't hear a word the actors were saying, because all I could hear was some Mariah Carey wannabe, belting out vocals loud enough to wake the dead!

Even when there was no singing, the music in the background was unbelievably loud, drowning out everything.

For obvious reasons, turning the volume up made it worse. I couldn't get passed the 10-minute mark for this exact reason. I don't feel too bad though, as the film looked gash anyway...and after reading reviews on here, it's clear I dodged a bullet!

In summary: THE. MUSIC. WAS. TOO. LOUD.

Me Time (2022)

Had it's moments

[3/10 · 28 August 2022]

Had a few funny scenes...namely the sky-diving and mountain lion scenes...but apart from that, this was trash!

At least we didn't have to endure KH playing his usual role of 'bumbling buffoon', a la 'Ride Along' and 'Jumanji'...but that's just a small win, because he was still an idiot...and not really a funny idiot.

He's really outgrown that type of role. It's like watching a grown *ss man, play a gormless teenager.

Nothing wrong with older actors playing comedy roles, but play APPROPRIATE roles.

The same applies to Mark Wahlberg...he's too old to be acting like a high school dweeb.

It's a man-child overload!

Story was dumb, acting was mediocre...what else is there to say except...

Kudos to Netflix for keeping it consistent with the flops!

Tales from the Lodge (2019)

Sheesh!

[2/10 · 25 August 2022]

A non-sensical waste of a decent cast.

Absolute garbage! Nothing made sense, the characters and plot were paper thin! One of the worst films I've watched in a while.

Can't believe such a great cast would even give this the time of day.

Full of hollow characters and dull flashbacks.

Orphan: First Kill (2022)

Unnecessary and directionless

[3/10 · 20 August 2022]

What even was the point of this?

How on Earth are you gonna make a prequel, with an original cast member being 12 years older?! It's like having a prequel to Home Alone, with Macaulay Culkin in his 20s...just use a younger actor!

I spent the first 30 minutes, constantly asking myself 'what the heck is going on?, as I genuinely had no idea what I was watching.

I couldn't stop laughing at the obvious 'real child' they used for the shots of Esther from behind.

This movie went absolutely nowhere. I feel they would of been more successful with a sequel, instead of a prequel. I guess the explanation wraps everything up neatly in a bow, but now they've not left much opportunities to continue the franchise, whereas a sequel would.

The 'twist' is hella stoopid!

IDK, all in all, this wasn't great...watchable, but not great. I just don't think we needed a prequel. As it doesn't really change/explain/affect anything in the first movie.

Don't expect too much...and be ready to laugh more than anything, because this is straight up unintentionally funny.

Lie Hard (2022)

Try hard-er!

[2/10 · 18 August 2022]

Started off promising. But got really daft after about 15 minutes.

It's a shame really, because it could of been so much better.

The cast were a bit of a mixed bag, but maybe it works.

Biggest problem for me was the lead actor didn't have 'lead actor' presence...and almost everyone else in the movie outshone him.

Shortcut (II) (2020)

Ruined by poor writing

[3/10 · 17 August 2022]

This film looks and sounds great.

You can even see that the actors are actually very competent. The problem is the material that they've been given...the writing is horrible!

There's a scene in a café, where the lad spills sauce on a dude's iPad - he genuinely comes across like someone that can act, but the dialogue and direction they've been given, makes them look amateurish.

The same applies to almost everyone in the movie.

The random American bus driver, stood out like a sore thumb. My guy was so out of place, that it made the film even worse than it already was. Nothing wrong with that kind of actor, he just wasn't right for that part.

I Love My Dad (2022)

Very cleverly written

[5/10 · 14 August 2022]

This was a lot better than I expected.

Even though I already rate Patton Oswalt very highly, this still surpassed my expectations.

The story and plot isn't anything really original, but the way it's written is brilliant. I was really impressed with the way they made things intertwine.

I had to do a double-take when I saw Lil Rel Howery...as I didn't know he was in this...and immediately thought 'woah, that guy looks just like LRH!'. Unfortunately, he was way underused.

Overall, a very competent film. It's not perfect...and it needs polishing in places, but overall it was very watchable and enjoyable.

Ps- Nice touch using real home video footage of the lead actor as a young boy.

Day Shift (2022)

Count Wackula

[2/10 · 13 August 2022]

If you can handle the 'tooth', you'll admit that this wasn't 'fangtastic'...the 'stakes' weren't really that high...and it lacked 'bite'.

Kudos to Netflix though, for keeping it consistent with the flops!

Nope (2022)

I'm done with JP!

[2/10 · 11 August 2022]

I just don't get him!

Makes one AMAZING movie, then loses the plot.

I don't know if he's trying to be too clever with his writing, but his films no longer appeal to me.

I'm obviously an idiot...and not his target audience(!)