Change Your Image
Offworld_Colony
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Lists
An error has ocurred. Please try againReviews
The Monuments Men (2014)
Such an immediately boring and flat film from such an accomplished classically bent creative team and a potentially rich premise.
But something is off, the writing, the pacing, the editing, the visual style and the directing are all woefully sub par. Maybe this is a bastardised version of a much longer much slower film but as it is it's too plain and unexciting to feel relevant and not artistically connected to great heist/chase/war films from the past feel inspired by great cinema of the past.
Such an immediately boring and flat film from such an accomplished classically bent creative team and a potentially rich premise. But something is off, the writing, the pacing, the editing, the visual style and the directing are all woefully sub par. Maybe this is a bastardised version of a much longer much slower film but as it is it's too plain and unexciting to feel relevant and not artistically connected to great heist/chase/war films from the past feel inspired by great cinema of the past.
Money Monster (2016)
A neat premise watered down by an un-engaging mystery, wish washy politics and lacklustre performances by miscast actors.
A neat premise watered down by an un-engaging mystery, wish washy politics and lacklustre performances by miscast actors. As a much cheaper film, maybe a bottle-type one room affair with nastier grittier actors and a more streamlined plot with better characters it could have been an excellent little thriller for the current age.
A neat premise watered down by an un-engaging mystery, wish washy politics and lacklustre performances by miscast actors. As a much cheaper film, maybe a bottle-type one room affair with nastier grittier actors and a more streamlined plot with better characters it could have been an excellent little thriller for the current age.
Gerald's Game (2017)
Classic King ending intact. Bonkers. But done well.
If it's possible for Mike Flanagan to have directed this film like a Stephen King short story, he has. There's a neat one-room premise, a modern/relevant take on the bulk of the source material, some wonderful central performances and a relatable slew of voices inside your head.
Classic King ending intact. Bonkers. But done well.
If it's possible for Mike Flanagan to have directed this film like a Stephen King short story, he has. There's a neat one-room premise, a modern/relevant take on the bulk of the source material, some wonderful central performances and a relatable slew of voices inside your head.
Classic King ending intact. Bonkers. But done well.
The Night House (2020)
The best of these kinds of horror films are at once predictable
There's enough good will in the pace and execution and steady hand in the first act of the film to allow me to forgive the horror movie cliches I hate surfacing as the film ramps up. But for every step backwards there's a creative, sneaky and surprising double step forwards. Casting Sarah Goldberg from Barry as the best friend, with the baggage she brings from Barry, makes her a great uncertain and unpredictable foil. And even before the movie begins to flourish there's engaging human discussion and deep, nuanced characters and relationships and Rebecca Hall acting her balls off.
It seeds in its mystery and its direction well so I won't spoil it here. Suffice it to say that the best of these kinds of horror films are at once predictable and then surprising and The Night House delivered for me in spades.
Library Altitude Zero (2007)
I had to add this film to tmdb so I'm fairly convinced I'm the first person to review this on IMDB
I heard about this film in a podcast or interview of some kind and sought it out on Tim Vine's website curious as to what the comedian would have created in feature film form. (Plus I thought the title was excellent and a be-haired Tim Vine in a Pilot's outfit had a strange existential appeal to me).
Both a vehicle for some irreverent and outlandish gags and moments, but also a sort of cohesive mystery and character study on obsession and trauma and purpose. It's a wonderful contradiction: absurdist in places but also incredibly human, fragmented but also engaging, cheap and written for the locations available and yet also not without directing and editing panache or without satisfying locations to be in.
I enjoyed this film a lot, it's my kind of no-budget romp, it has a superb performance from Tim Vine whose line delivery and understanding of the scene's needs makes it sad that he's not spread his acting wings even more in this form. Library Altitude Zero is the kind of film Chris Morris would have been proud to make and that I would have aspired to make at university; I would have sought out and found and shared in my youth. In some small way I hope this review also does that.
Nope (2022)
Jordan Peele is, amongst other things, a master of delivering haunting and curious images.
For that aspect alone, Nope is his visual opus, even if it doesn't have the spark and cohesive satire of Get Out, it exceeds far beyond the messy, rushed and confused sophomore entry Us.
Peele's films have other strengths; they're exceedingly human and nuanced; they have great dialogue and they unfold neatly and layers upon layers reveal and coalesce. The disparate elements don't always gel, but it's cinema at its best when they do.
Kaluuya and Palmer are a perfect duo and there's a decent chunk of comedy and black comedy in their performances. Nope is slow, haunting, surprising with clever use of music, character backgrounds and costume and design work.
It's solid with some fine IMAX photography and a nice take on the genre.
Don't Breathe (2016)
Came here to see who the new Alien film is being entrusted with; and some things are clear:
Fede Alvarez makes a solid Hitchockian chiller and manages to do a lot with little and flirts well within the tropes of the home invasion/slasher horror, his camera roaming around in search of what may or may not lurk in the dark; the audio doing some serious heavy lifting and Stephen Lang as a tremendous disgusting, brilliant monster of a man.
The film is tight, and surprising and the beats and gags of the genre are well-conceived, well-shot and are effective.
Came here to see who the new Alien film is being entrusted with; and some things are clear: Fede Alvarez makes a solid Hitchockian chiller and manages to do a lot with little and flirts well within the tropes of the home invasion/slasher horror, his camera roaming around in search of what may or may not lurk in the dark; the audio doing some serious heavy lifting and Stephen Lang as a tremendous disgusting, brilliant monster of a man.
The film is tight, and surprising and the beats and gags of the genre are well-conceived, well-shot and are effective.
In the Line of Fire (1993)
Malkovich is the star of the show...
Malkovich is the star of the show, his performance, for the most part, is almost earnest and not snide or smug; It makes him more of a match and foil for the damaged hidden psyche of Eastwood's ageing traumatised agent. In The Line of Fire is a psychological thriller as much as a potboiler boiler-plate assassination/chase/cat and mouse hunt flick. Wolfgang Peterson does steady work and the print is spectacular, one of the best I've seen. It's worth a watch on a lazy Sunday or of a late night.
Malkovich is the star of the show, his performance, for the most part, is almost earnest and not snide or smug; It makes him more of a match and foil for the damaged hidden psyche of Eastwood's ageing traumatised agent. In The Line of Fire is a psychological thriller as much as a potboiler boiler-plate assassination/chase/cat and mouse hunt flick. Wolfgang Peterson does steady work and the print is spectacular, one of the best I've seen. It's worth a watch on a lazy Sunday or of a late night.
Blue Beetle (2023)
Finally, Nickelodeon's first superhero movie is here.
Finally, Nickelodeon's first superhero movie is here.
I'm all for representation but doing it in a bland way using the language of generic American superhero fare is always disappointing, and even worse, when it looks and feels authorless and cheap it's a wasted opportunity in a field already stacked against it. Blue Beetle has a cheap kid's TV-movie look and feel most of the time.
I enjoy the social commentary, some of the horror leanings, the film's anime action and some dialogue and character moments stand out. But beyond that, it's sadly, predictably, nothing especial.
Finally, Nickelodeon's first superhero movie is here.
Bad Boys: Ride or Die (2024)
Somehow, Bad Boys returned...
Ride or Die doesn't have the surprise, the emotional authenticity or the genuine relationships of the third one, but the franchise film no one was asking for, is an electric reprise of the dumb, fun buddy action comedy.
I don't want these movies to be so good, because it means I have to keep seeing them.
The action is zippy and fun, not great but never boring, the directing homages Bay but doesn't rely on his worse tendencies and the plot and story meanders and isn't incredible, but it is simple and fun.
It's a film that has two ageing badasses in it that isn't afraid to ride with real-world issues against them and a passing of the torch that feels very un-franchisey and more tongue-in-cheek and human.
The real genius at the heart of Ride or Die after the Will Smith heavy For Life, is that Martin Lawrence is the star again, he does so much in this movie, moves through so many hilarious modes in his journey and the movie isn't afraid of being abjectly silly and wasting a lot of money on simple visual gags and moments designed to make people laugh.
The Beekeeper (2024)
You either fade into obscurity with dignity or live long enough to shill schlock for the streaming giants.
You either fade into obscurity with dignity or live long enough to shill schlock for the streaming giants.
And let's not forget that David Ayer has already done this once with Netflix's Bright...
But The Beekeeper is far from a bad movie; Even when it almost is, Ayer manages to keep it punchy, po-faced, pretty, silly and simple. The action is fine but not earth-shattering, it's more the John Wick meets Payback plot that works.
The film addresses Statham's awful transatlantic accent, it's got some interesting motivations, some good dialogue and solid casting. Sure it's cheesy and makes no sense, but it's earnest and has a cute villainous organisation for our anti-hero thwart.
Meg 2: The Trench (2023)
So Ben Wheatley won't sell his soul to Marvel but he will to the Chinese box office?
And if this is his first "mainstream" blockbuster film, why did he pick one with a script entirely unconcerned with being actually entertaining or interesting - I'm guessing he had a mortgage to pay off in a recession. By the time the Kraken turns up and everyone starts getting eaten I've already exhausted all the good will I had ready to distribute evenly throughout this film. Statham is such a bad actor that he looks like he's about to beat his daughter up every time he speaks to her.
Sets ok. Photography ok. CGI ok. And it's fine to have B movies bereft of meaning and character, but they should at least be schlocky or brisk or dirty. This film just simply exists. Possibly to launder money.
See How They Run (2022)
An admittedly cute premise is squandered on the most benign, middle-of-the-road, pallidly directed, and vacuously written smack-bang average film I've ever seen.
Soarsie Ronan is perfectly cast and exceedingly magnetic and Rockwell has a very solid English accent. But the prospect of a locked room murder in a theatre overnight following (and linked intrinsically to) a performance of The Mousetrap somehow eludes everyone involved and it becomes a very boring and listless and unfunny detective film.
The film feels neither fun nor fresh (Enola Holmes) or grubby and retro (Sherlock Holmes) or cool and slick (Maltese Falcon) and has not even one shred of the wit, tension, energy, character or plot to bear even a whiff of Agatha Christie's name.
It looks like a bad TV episode with no style, no sense of pace in the macro or micro and it's cringey. It thinks it's smarter than it is. And I just can't emphasise how BAD the directing is.
Reality (2023)
It's terrifying how much of your personal space, your comfort and what you take for granted is collapsible in a whim and a second.
It's a breath of fresh air that the film was directed by a woman, it had to be; there's violence in every look that Reality receives, there's threat constantly behind the smiles and friendly, coercive and rehearsed patter among the all-male cadre.
Syndey Sweeney is electric and the up-front honesty and intercutting between real footage and audio serves to deepen the connections to Reality rather than distance themselves, it's a cleverly employed device and makes the film haunting and present.
The nasty and manipulative psychology is scary, Sweeney is a powerhouse, and just the looks, the natural tics, the pauses, the patience of the film, the moments captured between the fear and pressure, are an exercise in perfect movie pacing and psychology.
A bravura and poignant debut that is illuminating, slow-burning, political and with additive detail in every frame especially when it doesn't seem like there is.
Booksmart (2019)
Hinges on a great premise,
Booksmart is a modern high school comedy, a much better, more appropriate and current Superbad. Beanie Feldstein is electric and everybody is an absolute sweetheart. The dialogue and acting, the photography, and especially the music is all on point. Olivia Wilde has managed to make a fresh picture with her own voice and variety and yet with a retro vibe. It's raw and forward and it plays with expectations of the cliches of this genre, often having its cake and eating it as the girls pick up anecdotes and jokes on their one night odyssey. Also the film is genuinely sexy.
Killer's Kiss (1955)
A competently constructed low-budget early film.
A nice entry in to the historical, educational annals of film history. There's certainly the spark of artistic promise in this film, solidly built and satisfying.
The Killing (1956)
A slow and rocky start gives way to a refreshingly clear, gripping and genuinely tense heist flick...
...that seems all at once Small and intimate and also sprawling and layered. The image of the perfectly cast noir staple George with buckshot piercing his face is haunting and the scene where Sterling Hayden unpacking the gun in the locker room is taught and fraught with tension. Kubrick packs the frames full of little believable details and every expected snag on the heist is a fairly relatable real world scenario which I suppose adds the necessary dimension.
The Lobster (2015)
Absolutely brilliant in every way.
With a committed cast, biting black satire, and a script that brings you in at the optimum point in the story and the world in which every scene has been paced and calibrated for maximum dry comic effect. It overstays it's welcome a little at the scrappy backend but it's sureness and dedication and unique bold tone makes for a stupendously dark, funny, twisted science fiction that seems borne from a legendary speculative novel of some sort.
Hotaru no haka (1988)
I've seen this film once before, so rocked by it that even as the memory of it faded from my mind, the emotional punch of it never left me.
I've been meaning to rewatch it with my partner who, being half Japanese, regards this idea as a form of unintended punishment or emotional torture. So with the death of its director and the fact that my partner is away, I chose to rewatch it for the first time, this time alone.
American and British war movies generally concentrate on heroism, even if they regard war as evil in their message, they seemingly justify war as a necessary evil and the Allies as victims that choose to be begrudging saviours. Most movies, war or otherwise, don't start literally with the death of a child. Grave of the Fireflies does. In its scant running time it manages to show the camaraderie and community of a people suffering, it shows the unflinching boots on the ground of the affected and the afflicted, it is very possibly the greatest unglorifying anti-war film ever made.
Being animated allows not just for more beauty; the stillness and movement drawing you in so much more delicately, but it allows for more of the hideousness, revealing the tacit horror and ugliness without grossing you out; the animation cutting to the bone of the realism in a transcendent way.
There are moments of sheer brilliance; the fact that the kids reunite in the afterlife (portrayed in a plain and unsentimental way) makes their respective deaths tinged with relief rather than grief. Privately remembering the young child's frivolity after her death, ushering memories that couldn't concern the older child whilst in the midst of protecting her, but that he allows himself to remember when the responsibility has left him is superbly simple and common to anyone who has experienced looking after a loved one who has passed. A brief beat where she repairs the shirt and pricks her finger speaks volumes enough in one simple moment for an essays worth of complexity.
I first watched this film a long time ago, upon only beginning to start to understand the potential depth and complexity of Japanese animation. As a young man, I watched it in the dark with a room full of Eastern European men that probably expected, as I did, that I might have brought something light for us to all watch, considering it was animated. By the end there wasn't a dry eye in the house as be lights came on and not one of us was ashamed because of it.
Grave of the Fireflies is refreshingly and appropriately unsentimental. It's not political, it's human. It's deeply sad, very telling of a nation when they see war through these eyes, which makes it personal, raw and very, very important.
Touch of Evil (1958)
As with all Film Noir, the enjoyment of it comes from the understanding of it;
The understanding the desperation and darkness and twisting manipulation inside of all men and all femmes, fatale or otherwise. Understanding the pull of power, the sway of ambition and the draw of money. The enjoyment intensifies with an understanding of the period they were made; the influences and politics of the time and where the film sits in the director's or the source author's oeuvre. And so all of this leads to my enjoyment and appreciation of the noirs of the past increasing with each watch.
The effective simplicity of a bomb planted in one country that explodes in another is brilliant, something echoed in modern neo-noir TV, and a great catalyst to see these two worlds smashed together. And Mancini's music drumming along like the ticking of the bomb in a more esoteric and musical way than Zimmer's use of a literal ticking clock in Dunkirk.
The dialogue is layered and complex and exposition and politics plays amidst action, not unlike modern cinema, and so unlike a lot of film noirs, the film requires you to actually pay attention to the dialogue to get more out of characters that aren't paper-thin and don't have only single-minded goals. There's the use of sumptuous night shooting and outdoor location work and an unrecognisable Wells plays a tragic, disgusting bigot in a self-sabotaging downward spiral that's typically toe-curling to watch.
So, not being, shall we say, equipped, to satisfactorily enjoy Touch of Evil upon the first few viewings, this time I was fully taken by it. Before, I couldn't understand why it got so much critical acclaim, but in a way it takes a pulpy, noir b-movie premise and loads it with character depth, and racial politics worth talking about, all overseen with a directorial bravado that in a lot of ways, at the close of the 1950's, almost brings a full-stop to the end of Film Noir itself.
Given the current state of racial politics and The Americas, the unflinching attitudes towards terrorists, surveillance, the attraction to true crime, the sinister and unsettling tone and plot is dying for an HBO/David Simon TV remake, something that transposes the timeless elements to the modern day. Something duly reverential and appropriate.
Antichrist (2009)
In typical Lars Von Trier style, Antichrist alternates between operatic slow-mo of beautifully composed imagery...
...against classical music, shots of seemingly connected arty cutaways and roving vérité handheld.
This arthouse style isn't unpleasant but mercifully, unlike most of Lars Von Trier's surrounding films, which seem to drag on under the weight of this experimental style, Antichrist is a tight hour 45 minutes. This intensifies it's rawness and boldness and distils Lars Von Trier's autership and influences better than any of his other films.
Charlottë Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe are perfectly cast; both pleasantly reckless actors in which you can't anticipate how they would typically react. The driving plot is a nifty one, wringing plenty of drama from the premise before it gets weird.
And weird it gets! Although it's hard to imagine anyone getting deeply disturbed or offended by this film the way that apparently they did. I suppose people were a little underexposed to films like this in 2009. I mean it does go pretty far but it seems rooted in the context of its themes and points, none of it seems there to shock specifically or to generate disgust solely like torture porn for example.
There's some superb photography and there's a magnetism to the film. I much preferred the more cerebral rather than esoteric films of Lars Von Trier, but there's a madness in this film that is bursting from the director's own troubled mind at the time and as a parable for grief or a look at the hell of nature, it seems to work well.
Lost Soul: The Doomed Journey of Richard Stanley's Island of Dr. Moreau (2014)
A story about a properly decent weirdo getting over basically by his antithesis.
It's refreshing to hear about another doomed project from the mouth of the original Director and progenitor.
There's no artistry behind this documentary, it's more just a structured telling of the process, but it's informative and fun and edited well.
Absent is any information on David Thewlis, which is a shame, and there's a lot of missing information about the reception of the film and the actual nuts and bolts changes to the script and there's conspicuously a decent chunk of missing information that could have elevated it, and made it more personal throughout instead of just on behalf of the Director.
Power Rangers (2017)
Good surround sound. That's about it.
Shoddy technical work and a worse script. It's a boring, pretty rubbish authorless clone of much better bad movies.
In fact I think I can confidently say that Power Rangers: The Movie is more entertaining and memorable than this hokey bodge-job.
None of the attempts at realism gels with the tropes and recognisable traits of the TV series.
Also it uses an 8 year old Kanye West track during the climax fight.
This movie is a travesty.
Iron Man (2008)
Iron Man - what worked and what didn't
+ Snappy, satisfying, brutal opening.
+ Jeff Bridges fits the indie tone of the movie. And he looks so money.
+ RDJ with his own past mirroring Tony's plays the gags and the darkness well.
+ Faverau casting himself as Happy Hogan is delightful.
+ Pepper and Tony have excellent, unforced chemistry.
+ Pitch perfect hindsight casting Paul Brittany as Jarvis.
+ Simple, clear direction and tight editing.
+ A decent script that, against all odds, doesn't seem improvised or cobbled together.
+ Great heads up display and computer screen work.
+ Fairly robust and consistent and uncluttered themes.
+ Rock and roll sensibility.
+ Still the best suiting up porn.
+ Agent Coulson!
+ I am Iron Man.
+ The notion that he might have thrown hot rod red in to the suits mix is because he watched a broadcast where they mention red twice and is about firefighters is bewilderingly subtle.
+ The ransom video with a twist.
+ A robot that redeems itself!
- Terrence Howard, as much as he turns in a satisfying performance, doesn't seem to be the kind of actor that would fit into the wider MCU.
- Typically messy, rushed third act.
Stan Lee cameo as Old Man confused as Hugh Heffner. Rating: 5/5. No showboating fourth wall breaking dialogue, allusions to Stan Lee being the comic book granddaddy equivalent to Heff, Stan Lee's missing Tony completely is an effective playful beat.
Post Credits sequence review: 5/5. Points for being actually at the end of the credits. Simple, well paced and shot, feels like a good coda, punchy end, and oh so world changing. Nicholas J Fury just turned the hell up!
The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Incredible Hulk - what worked and what didn't
+ Edward Norton is a much more likeable and charismatic actor than Eric Bana.
+ William Hurt is an absolute boss and does well even in this film.
+ As much as I wanted to hate it, the opening sequence is an effective little time saving backstory to a dude we already know all about.
+ Favelas are a vibrant location to take Hulk and function confusingly like a sort of sequel to Hulk.
+ Days without incident character arc is a nice touch.
+ Looks like a comic book, colours pop and there's a lot of them.
+ Learning akido or whatever martial arts uses enemy's strength to deflect them.
+ Tim Roth somehow always managing to fuse Tim Roth and whatever character he plays in to this amazing hybrid tour de force.
+ You know, it's got a good theme in the soundtrack.
- You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.
- Literally every good character scene is in the deleted scenes.
- In my opinion equal and opposite to Ang Lee's Hulk and in doing so, manages to be much much worse as it attempts to say nothing and is almost entirely artless.
- Smashy smashy back end is the poster child for excessive and unnecessary CGI.
- Casting that sweaty creep as Braniac or whatever the heck happened with his weird bulging head wound when Banners blood dropped in to it. Come on.
- Loose in detail control, like why does Blonsky on loan from Royal Marines wear an American Military uniform? Why does Betty take a photo of him when they're on the run?
- Wasting Ty Burrell.
- Sort of obnoxious and loud action. It's kinetic at times but also quite irritating.
- Awkward cloying Lou Ferigno cameo.
- What the hell are those cannons?
- Hulk looks like something from a Japanese manga.
Stan Lee cameo review: Old Man that drinks irradiated blood: 4/5: At least he's not played for yucks, a nice fusion of a necessary character and Stan Lee actually acting reasonably well.
End credits review: 2/5: Ross and Stark in the bar, the shape of things to come. Hardly a revelation but it's always a pleasure to see Tony Stark turn up, especially considering how bad this movie is. With hindsight it sets up the Stark/Thunderbolt relationship for Civil War. Just a tad meh.