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Snakes on a Train (2006)
Enough! I have had it of this motherf***ing movie on my motherf***ing screen!
This movie could have been an awesome b-movie, but instead is just...i don't even know what it is. While you watch it you won't stop saying "wait, what?!". A coursed girl and a boy try to smuggle themselves into los statos unidos by train, until she transforms in a huge viper and swallow the train (What?!). Basically nothing happens for the first hour of the movie. The director tries to introduce other characters and their stories but they're so shallow and bad that you won't even care about 'em. The only thing worth a mention that happens in the first 60 mins is the main character that rips another guy's heart using the Indiana Jones' evil thuggee lord's style. And that's it. Finally, when the clock strikes the end of the 60st minute, something happens: BOOBS. Really. Not that I don't like see topless girls, but hey, you're shooting a movie that s**ks and you want to rise it up a little by showing us boobs? OK, I appreciate that, but at least do it with a girl with nice, round and big ones (no offense Amelia). After that several snakes get unleashed, they start to attack people and the controls of the train break so nobody can stop it to get away from the snakes. I don't even wanna talk about the cgi used in the last scene. It's not worth it. What I liked about this movie, which is what saves it from a 1 out of 10, is that the producers didn't care at all about showing breasts for no reason and having a child swallowed hole by a giant python. Good splatter effects as well in the carved heart scene and in the arm-penetrating snakes one. Don't watch it. It's so bad that it's not even funny.
Clown (2014)
Good splatter body horror
I rated this movie only six out of ten due to the too linear and predictable plot, but it would deserve more than that. Everything starts when the main character finds a clown costume and wears it for his son's birthday party. The troubles begin when he tries to take it off. The wig has become his own hair and the cloth seems glued onto his skin. After a while he discovers that that's not a costume but the hair and the skin of an ancient child-eater demon which has already started to permeate his body and his soul. *SPOILER* He obviously starts killing and eating several kids before he gets stopped by his own wife while she tries to save their child who was about to be eaten by his father-demon-clown. *END SPOILER* The good thing about this movie is that it manages to create an anxious atmosphere and it makes you feel afraid to get your body hurt. You'll start thinking about being in something that gets stuck on you, changes and disfigures your body and your mind. There's also a lot of good old splatter scenes where you'll see half-eaten kids and regurgitated human bones. A particular note goes to the kids' playground scene, where the director manages to convert a funny and colorful place in a horrid and spectral hunting field.
The Last Stand (2013)
Nonsense plot and too less Arnold's epic lines
When I watch this kind of movies I don't focus too much on the storyline, because all I wanna see is Schwarzy eating Green Beret for breakfast. But in this movie the plot is so senseless I couldn't avoid to laugh at it. Basically there's a fugitive who decides that the best way to reach the Mexican border is by driving at full speed a car, and no, not an anonymous car that no one would notice but a super-fancy-powerful one producing 1000hp. The CIA car expert says that the only way to stop that car would be blowing it up (WTF?!) but they can't do it because inside there's an hostage. I mean, seriously? Just put a police checkpoint. Peter Stormare blows it up? Put another one with tanks! Or just hide stingers along the way! Or Pamela Anderson who will bounce it back with her huge airbags! Anyway, the fugitive obviously crosses Arnold's way and get stop by him. The problem is that Arnold's character says too less epic lines and the action scenes where he's involved aren't enough to balance out the void left by the plot, so watch it but don't expect too much from it.
Magnolia (1999)
Overrated and boring.
I would start saying that I don't mind long movies, on the contrary, if they can keep my eyes locked to the screen the longer they are the better is. But with Magnolia I couldn't feel any sympathy with most of the characters so I struggled till the end. I had to force myself to keep watching and it almost never happens to me, really. The middle hour seemed as long as the whole afternoon and I kept checking on the time 'cause I only wanted it to finish. It feels like you expect something to happen, you wait and wait and wait and it doesn't. The movie starts well, but then it becomes too slow and boring with a few interesting scenes that keep you awake, basically the ones with Cruise and Reilly. Awesome acting by Julianne Moore and Melora Walters. Good ending though.