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Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments (2016)
End of Season 1: what a relief
It's hard to know where to begin in reviewing this dreadful YA offering from Netflix.
Storyline: unnecessarily convoluted, illogical, with absolutely nothing about the Shadowhunter universe actually being explained, which leaves the non-YA viewer utterly baffled about what they're actually babbling about.
Acting: the stone columns of the peristyle hall of the Temple at Karnak actually demonstrate greater acting abilities than ANY of the cast members. Clary's lines seem to mostly consist of "We've gotta find...(someone, something)", "We've gotta wake up...(someone)" whilst rushing around like a headless chicken. Alec, a tall, vaguely pretty male model type, actually appears to be reading his lines from the wall opposite. Emotion of any kind is strictly banned. Jace: a disaster zone of petulance, martial arts skills and pouty lips, he's apparently a senior shadowhunter, but allows himself to be dragged around by the newest member of the modelling elite, Clary. Why? Nobody knows. In the end, he winds up as a brattish child stomping off to join the father he was supposedly determined to destroy - the uber-evil Valentine.
Homosexuality: don't go there - the cast didn't either: the Malec kiss was about as passionate as a plateful of tapioca.
Sets: vaguely ecclesiastical with extras milling around purposelessly whilst holding clipboards and occasionally playing with computers.
So, with a plot that makes absolutely no sense, a cast that could take acting lessons from a kindergarten Christmas play, a director whose idea of providing atmosphere involves closeups of one of the models doing nothing in particular but pouting at the same time, and a team of dialogue writers who apparently got writer's block in episode 1 and never recovered, I think we can safely say that Shadowhunters is a completely turgid disaster designed to produce eye candy for the teen viewers and nothing else.
I hear Season 2 is on the way: guess who isn't going to be watching it
Sense8 (2015)
A character-driven plot - finally!
I've just binge-watched the entire first season and I can't get it out of my head.
This isn't a series for the fainthearted. It takes a great deal of patience to get through the choppy, convoluted plot, but the effort is more than rewarded by the players: for the first time in years I felt that the actors were actually communicating real emotions, real feelings, rather than just stepping into a maze. By episode 6, when the Sensates really start to come together (pun intended, you'll realise it when you watch the episode), I started to actually ask myself what it would be like to be in their position. And the philosophical ramifications that I came up with began to be explored in the following episodes.
The plot, admittedly, is extremely uneven in pacing. Plot threads started in one episode barely figure in the next one, because the focus has shifted.
But the creation of such wonderful characters - from Europe, Africa, Asia, North and Central America - show us that even as mere mortals, there is more to connect us than to divide us.
All thumbs well and truly up for an absolute masterpiece of television.
The Last Days on Mars (2013)
An unexpectedly good film if one ignores Liev Schrieber's acting
I think people are often tempted to compare big budget films with small, "boutique" films like this one, which is unreasonable. One shouldn't try to compare apples with pears.
The Last Days on Mars is very much a chamber piece, a film with barely 7 actors, most of whom are cyphers and cease to have any meaningful role in the film after the first 30 minutes. That said, the roles were all played extremely well.
Decor was obviously not Martian, mainly because of the water-carved rock everywhere, but if one doesn't look to close at the details, it was a fair attempt at replicating a Martian environment.
Liev Schrieber was, for me, rather disappointing. A world-weary, cynical character that he has played several times in the past, the fate of the mission ultimately rests in his hands, but there is no sense of moral anguish, hesitation, or even any particular feeling shown.
I enjoyed the film. It was a well-written plot, if one ignores scientific mistakes, and the ending was not quite anticipated. Definitely worth watching.
Gravity (2013)
Sandra Bullock: A One-Woman Show
I've been a fan of Sandra Bullock for years, but this is the first film in which she has really shown off her considerable acting talent.
The film is 90 minutes long and I would estimate that Ms. Bullock was alone for about 65-70 minutes of it, which is no mean feat.
My attention was held the whole time by her believable character, the wonderful effects, the slightly loopy physics and the sheer inventiveness of the CGI. And the 3D effects were simply marvellous.
At first I thought that the film might run out of steam simply because of the lack of other characters, but the fight for survival was so palpable, so engaging, that I simply didn't even realise that the film was a one-woman show until after I had walked out of the cinema.
If you see no other film this year, this is the one to see. And pay for 3D - it's worth every penny.
Despicable Me 2 (2013)
A certain degree of disappointment
I totally fell in love with Despicable Me. It's probably going to be on my list of Ten Best Films, so naturally I awaited with eagerness the premiere of Despicable Me 2. I watched all the trailers, teasers and Mini Movies with Minions - loved them all. Then I watched the film in full 3D.
Oh dear...
I always thought that there might be a problem with transforming Gru from a villain into a good guy, and I was right. Half of the humour in the original film was based on the fact that Gru is not a nice person.
Unfortunately, he has now been sanitized, virtually recreated as a good suburban father, albeit with some extremely strange habits.
Two of the best protagonists from the original film were ignored: Vector, last seen on the Moon with a polythene helmet on his head, and Dr. Nefario, who vanished for 95% of Despicable Me 2. Even Gru's mother, who had some wonderful cameo appearances in the original, was visible only once.
So, continuity from Film 1 to Film 2 - virtually none.
One of the great charms of the original film were the incredible inventions: the Farter Blaster thing, the Anti-gravity Serum, the boogie robots... This time there was nothing to take their place.
With Vector and Pointy-haired Man from the Bank of Evil Gru had worthy opponents, but the villain of this film was an absolute non-entity - I can't even recall his name without looking it up. All of the tension and interplay between the characters in the first film were missing in this one.
Another of the highlights of the first film was the music. Unfortunately, the soundtrack this time was completely forgettable, with the exception of a reprise of one of the songs from the original - Pretty Girls, I think it was called. Something like that... I was a bit busy yawning to note exactly which of the good songs it was. I just made a mental note and then went back to being slightly bored again.
Yes, I enjoyed it, for a given value of "enjoy". Who could help but enjoy watching those darling little minions? But I left the cinema feeling cheated: Despicable Me deserved a better sequel, better music, a better story line and far better characterisation.
I'm wavering between 5/10 and 6/10, but I'll plump for 6/10 because I actually liked the 3D effects. Without them I'd probably plump for 5/10
Now You See Me (2013)
Best of the year so far
I was intrigued by this film from watching the trailers. Loving magic, I decided that it would be worth seeing - and it was worth every penny for the ticket.
Apart from the stunning magic and special effects, the most unusual part of this film is that there is no real lead character: most of the characters seem to take up roughly equal time on the screen, so no particular star seems to be carrying the story.
That said, Morgan Freeman's role was very much an enlarged cameo performance, which he played magnificently. But then it's always a pleasure watching Morgan Freeman.
The only thing that riled me was that, despite all the wonderful things in it, the story just didn't hang together: it simply didn't make sense, especially the ending. Normally this would drive me mad, but the film as a whole was so mesmerising, that I actually didn't realise that there were a million gaps and logical failures until I got home.
I'm giving the film a solid 8/10, which would have been higher if just a little more time had been spent on working the plot through.
All in all, it's the best film I've seen so far this year and, judging from the upcoming offerings, it's likely to remain that way until the 2014 releases his the big screen. So allow credulity to take a back seat and go to the cinema to enjoy probably the wildest ride available.
The Lake House (2006)
A plot like a colander, but...
The genre says it all: it's fantasy. FANTASY, dear readers!! But what a wonderful way to spend a couple of hours. Suspension of belief is a definite prerequisite, but, despite that, the plot holds together well enough so that the colander effect isn't too aggravating.
Keanu Reeves was actually capable of expressing emotions that, while being slightly autistic in some parts of the film, on the whole seemed to represent actual, human-style emotions.
Sandra Bullock was her usual, wonderful, beautiful self. The only thing that rather grated on my nerves was that after having kissed Keanu in 2002, she never paid him any more attention, even though she was patently unhappy with Morgan.
Eddies in the whirlpool of time could plausibly account for a lot of the apparent paradoxes - if we believe that such things exist - but what's the point in being so pedantic. The film is pure entertainment. It even managed to get a tear out of me towards the very end - no mean feat - and I switched off the television feeling generally satisfied.
Bearing in mind the total crap on offer this year as new releases, I don't think it's particularly worthwhile trashing this under-appreciated little gem.
Beyond (2012)
A case of "um, did I miss something?"
A Yuppie couple's kid is kidnapped... OK, nothing unusual there. The couple gets woken up by the house shaking in some not-quite-spatially- timed aftermath of the kidnapping and that's when they discover their daughter is missing... Um, what? What happened? We never find out and no-one ever mentions the apparent earth tremor or whatever it was supposed to be.
It could have been a good film. Not a great one, but definitely a watchable one. Sadly, despite Jon Voight creaking around in most scenes and an amusingly good-looking English psychic camping it up for all he was worth with his visions, something was missing. What could it have been...? Oh, yes - the damned plot was missing.
Bad acting by both parents of the child, the baby-sitter and the rest of secondary characters whose relationship to the film eluded me; utterly ghastly direction; poor dialogue; meaningless red herrings and a whodunit that was patently obvious in the middle of the film...
Avoid at all costs!
Vamps (2012)
Vampires a la mode
Where to begin...
The acting? Very, very lame. The two leading ladies were obviously having a lot of fun during filming, but the overall result was, if not exactly wooden, definitely very in-your-face with the jokes, which, having been forced on the viewer in such a "laugh, dammit - this is a joke" way, had a tendency to go down like pork chops in a synagogue.
Sigourney Weaver and Malcolm McDowell were a horrible disappointment. The ever-lovely Sigourney played the vampire "stem" who had created the two young vamps, but instead of playing it seriously and letting the jokes flow, she over-acted from beginning to end.
Malcolm McDowell as the knitting-fetishist Vlad Tepes aka Vlad the Impaler, now attending something akin to Bloodsuckers Anonymous, was evidently trying to get into his role, but the lines weren't up to it.
The rest of the plot really isn't worth relating. There was love, there was a Van Helsing vampire hunter working for Homeland Security, there were some cute moments. But it really wasn't worth the bother.
1* for completely awful. I only regret that one can't give negative stars...
The Ghostmaker (2012)
Truly idiotic, but with fabulous, Antikythera-style cogwheels
There used to be a cocktail once that contained gin, absinthe and, possibly, brandy - I can't remember. I do know, however, that it was more-or-less banned back in the 1920s for causing effects similar to brain death.
This film is the visual version of that great drink.
The plot is implausible at best, the characters are the sort that make you truly wish that they would suffer and die, preferably quickly, and the special fx, if there actually were any used, were less interesting even than the characters.
Firstly, the film wasn't horror. It certainly wasn't even scary. It most definitely wasn't even logical.
Three ubiquitous horror film staples - college kids - find themselves involved with an ancient coffin containing some actually quite wondrous clockwork devices that enable the person lying in the coffin to experience existence as a ghost.
An interesting premise, but it goes downhill from there on. The director apparently equated "ancient" with the fifteenth century and then filled a typical 19th century coffin with all manner of cogwheels and little rocking thingies and dinky widgets, gadgets and twinkly Faraday electric arc effects to create a machine that is marvellous to the eye which, and this is important, is ALSO a fabulous music box in the Grotesquerie style: imagine Stravinsky's weirder works blown through a sound attenuation device and echo chamber.
Add to this a "Mechanical Death" stalking (in a gentle, non-frightening, non-disruptive manner) the guys using the machine and you end up with a film that - with just a little rewriting, re-editing and a new set of actors who actually CAN act - would make a fairly good Gothic comedy horror.
Naturally one of the students falls victim to Death's barely discernible wrath; one goes totally demented and becomes a stalker/rapist/generic psycho - but not too violent, of course - while the third somehow manages to rehabilitate himself from thief/junkie to all-round Good Egg in order to save the day.
If, after reading this review, you feel a sudden urge to rush out and get this film on DVD or download it from the Internet, please consider psychiatric help.
I've given three stars to the film for one simple reason: the wonderful Antikytheran clockwork machinery. Well, maybe half a star went to Aaron Dean Eisenberg for being rather cute...
I'll shut up now.
1408 (2007)
A one man show designed to make you think about the reality of terror
First of all, I'd like to point out that this is not a horror film in the conventional sense: it is Stephen King at his most imaginative.
John Cusack plays the role of a cynical writer bent on debunking haunted hotel/haunted mansion/haunted anything stories who receives a postcard from a New York hotel, The Dolphin on 45th and Lexington, with a warning not to stay in Room 1408. His interest piqued, he sets out to include this room as a closer for his latest book - 10 Haunted Hotels.
Samuel Jackson plays a stunning cameo role as the hotel manager determined to prevent Cusack from staying in the room, even to the extent of giving him a file on all the deaths that have taken place in it. Nevertheless, Cusack won't be swayed.
The rest of the film I leave for you to enjoy. It's a visual and directorial masterpiece where the viewer can have no idea what the ending is actually going to be, so I shall not spoil it for you here. Just remember, this film actually feels more like a one-man-show theatre piece than a fully-cast film. Stylistically it's claustrophobic with most of the weight of the plot being borne only by Cusack. Actually, everyone else in the film can really be regarded as having only cameo roles.
I've only awarded 7/10 simply because I found the film rather uneven in tone in places and I have a tendency to dislike films where the ending isn't completely resolved. Otherwise I would give John Cusack a 10 for his excellent acting and another 10 for the exquisite decor
The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Absolutely brilliant!
I never give a 10, ever, but this film is just perfect. I loved the beginning, I loved the entire plot and I loved the ending. I laughed, I rooted for the characters, I got a lovely surprise near the end when one of my favourite actresses appeared for a cameo role... The entire premise of the film is designed to actually make the viewer think. It's a gore-fest, but a gore-fest with meaning, with a message.
Nothing is what it appears to be exactly and all the little twists and surprises only add to the sumptuous feeling that the film somehow manages to create.
All thumbs up!
Now go and watch it
Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997)
Fabulous Sigourney, confusing setting
First of all, I'm a fan of Sigourney Weaver, but even putting that prejudice aside and examining the film critically, I can honestly say that it was only her performance that saved this film.
Snow White (Lilly) was frankly an annoying, wooden, two-dimensional character and I found myself genuinely hoping that Claudia (Sigourney Weaver) would succeed in destroying her.
In fact, the only character really drawn with any care and attention is that of Claudia. I found myself believing that she'd been driven mad and to murder purely through the unpleasant behaviour of Lilly and therefore found her character to be realistic, sympathetic and attractive. All the other characters were ciphers: Sam Neil, who plays Lord Hoffman, barely had a role at all in the film; although it was a starring part, he played it very much like a tired cameo role in a B-movie.
The film is apparently set at the time of the Crusades, but there were a terrible number of gaffes:
Costumes ranged from 14th to 16th century and even early 17th century, whilst the furniture ranged mainly from 15th to 18th century.
Mention was made of a globe showing the countries of the world, something impossible at a time when the flat-earth theory was firmly established science.
Lilly somehow managed to pick an apple from an obvious oak tree near her mother's grave - and it was the ONLY apple visible - which made the entire scene rather forced and unnecessary.
When Claudia told Dr. Guttenberg about the "disease" afflicting the servants, he said "The Black Death!", something which took place quite a while after the Crusades had been forgotten.
Nevertheless, the film on the whole is fairly well-crafted, although very uneven in places. The castles and ruins used as backdrops were good choices, although not quite appropriate to the Crusades period, but that's probably just me being pedantic.
I think that the true horror could have been wound up a few notches, since the film has an R rating anyway and is definitely not suitable for children. Otherwise, I found it an extremely entertaining film with plenty to engross one's attention.
Through the Wormhole: Is the Universe Alive? (2012)
The lunatic fringe appears...
Watching the first two seasons of Through the Wormhole turned me into a science maniac and, accordingly, I have spent the past two years reading avidly and therefore consider that I have a fairly rounded view of quite a lot of the subjects covered.
This season in general is not up to par with the first two, but this episode hit the bottom of the barrel, bored a hole through it, dug its way to the nether regions and scraped up the worst examples of scientists imaginable.
The premise is simple: Is the Universe Alive
Unfortunately, this sort of question attracts a particular kind of lunatic with weird and truly demented answers, which include bouncing balls - supposed to represent the Universe expanding and contracting, which it almost certainly doesn't do - quantum particle stooges convinced that subatomic particles represent living cells and various other kinds of people who, if born a couple of decades earlier, would have been considered strange even by the Flower-power generation.
Even Morgan Freeman couldn't seem to find his usual enthusiasm when presenting the various theories, probably because he's an extremely intelligent man quite capable of seeing the flaws in all the arguments presented.
Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted (2012)
You can't beat lemur royalty
I've been a huge fan of the Penguins of Madagascar series since the first episode and they led me to watch the original Madagascar films.
As usual, the animation is perfect, the effects are incredible, but once again, it's the penguins and King Julien who really steal the show.
The first scene that had me laughing out loud was the stealthy approach made by the Lion, the Hippo, the Giraffe and the Zebra into Monte Carlo Marina, closely followed by King Julien in a royal yacht with fireworks going off.
The penguins and the apes created a marvellous figure of The King of Versailles to play at the gambling tables of the casino and also to buy the circus, which all the characters used as an escape vehicle to reach New York.
Animal Control lunatic Mlle. Dubois was an amazing character, whose only interest was in getting a lion's head into her collection.
The actual circus scenes, while beautifully executed, rather left me numb: Lack of thumbs is, actually, a problem. Not in Madagascar, however, and the trapeze acts, etc were done as though all the animals concerned had prehensile hands.
Definitely worth watching.