timhds Reviews

Birdemic 3: Sea Eagle (2022)

Ooff. A long silent walk across the parking lot.

[1/10 · 7 January 2024]

I've watched a LOT of bad movies, it's my favorite genre. Tons of titles most people have never heard of. Some are okay, some are amazing, and a precious few have zero redeeming features. Birdemic 3 is the latter. It really is awful. The first hour is mostly people walking or driving from point A to point B, and you get to watch on real time the entire journey, usually with no dialog. One scene in particular had the 2 leads walking across a empty lot towards a small building. They are seen walking, then you see the building, implying that is where they are headed. If you've ever seen a movie, you understand that is their destination. But we get to realm with them, all 200 feet, in silence, but from a few different angles. It takes about 45 seconds, but it feels like a lifetime. And this is one of many scenes that drag on to get the run time to 80 minutes. It's painful. Not to mention when their is dialog, it's about how humans are ruining the planet and causing global warming. That's fine if it's an Al Gore documentary, but this is Birdemic. I want cheesy special effects, low budget gore, and bad one liners. The birds don't appear until almost the 60 minute mark, and the movie runs just around 80+ minutes.

If you're a completist like me, and you need to watch all three Birdemic movies, just know this is by far the worst of them. It took me 4 nights just to get through it, as I kept falling asleep.

It really is that hard to watch as it has nothing to keep your interest.

Bad Black (2016)

No need for the RiffTrax guys.

[8/10 · 23 June 2023]

I watched the first 9 minutes and paused the movie long enough to buy a director signed copy from the production companies web site. $10. Bought Captain Alex too, and a patch, all for $25.

This movie is amazing, fun, actin packed, and narrated MST3K style, making it the craziest thing I've seen in a long time. Wildly entertaining, I loved every minute of it.

Will you like it? Well, are you into terrible sets, bad CGI, terrible acting, 84 different plots happening simultaneously, blood shed, unnecessary flips, foul mouthed children, a WIP movie in the middle of an action movie, and all in a little more than 60 minutes? Than you are in luck, cause this movie has all that and more. It really is a good time.

Sweeter Than Chocolate (2023 TV Movie)

The secret ingredient is......

[7/10 · 10 February 2023]

After watching over 350 Hallmark movies, I love that this movie finally addressed the ridiculousness of all the previous baker/chef/ barista movie moments stating their secret ingredient is love. When asked what her secret ingredient was, the male lead says "it's love right? Your secret ingredient is love" to which she replies "no". Made me change the rating from 6 to 7.

I have noticed that this new series of Hallmark movies has kind of made fun of the previous movies and their predictable storylines. It's nice to see a little bit of reality mixed in with the usual tropes and characters Hallmark has churned out over the years. This was a fun watch and had good acting.

Miami Connection (1987)

If they gave Oscar's for heart.

[8/10 · 13 January 2023]

Is this movie poorly acted with a terrible script, a nonsensical plot, bad fight scenes and unbelievable characters? Yes. Can you tell that everyone that appears in this movie wants to do a good job and really cares about each other? Also yes. It's a mess, a real mess. But in spite of how poorly everything is done, no one mails it in, they all give their best. Like if your friends made a movie about something you were all passionate about, even if they knew nothing about making movies. You root for them because they worked hard, not because they were great, but because they tried. That's why you won't turn away, and why you'll have a soft spot for this movie. Friends forever.

The Boxer's Omen (1983)

A revenge movie where the revenge doesn't matter.

[9/10 · 29 December 2022]

What can I add that hasn't already been said? This movie is bizarre. It has a very basic set up, man fights another man and gets paralyzed by a cheap shot. His brother now has to seek revenge. Which he does get, but does it matter to the plot? No? I am not sure, but only because I couldn't figure out what the plot was, or who the antagonist was. Drug dealers? Thai boxing cheaters? What was his purpose? Revenge? Enlightenment? What message did the movie project? Don't lie to Buddha? Alligators make vessels for zombies?

Whatever the plot, purpose or message, none of it matters, because you won't care and you won't turn away. Its amazingly odd, has super bad effects, really cheesy dialogue, and very unnecessarily long, drawn out scenes. But definitely worth a watch. I'm not sure if it's a 10 or a 1, it could go either way. But I gave it a 9 for originality.

Three Wise Men and a Baby (2022 TV Movie)

Hallmark is back!

[9/10 · 2 December 2022]

I've watched over 350 Hallmark movies, and the last few years they have gotten worse and worse in quality. But this year they seem to have upped their game, as so far all the Christmas movies for 2022 have been very good. I'm not sure if Great Amrrican Family stealing a bunch of Hallmarks actors and starting their own movie production business has anything to do with it, but what ever did it, I'm glad it happened.

This movie was very funny, well acted, and was fun to watch from start to finish. Great characters, a good story line, and plausible situations (not always a consideration for Hallmark). Paul and Kimberly need to write more, they make a great team.

For Love & Honor (2016 TV Movie)

Taps with a Hallmark spin

[6/10 · 15 November 2022]

Besides all the obvious flaws that others pointed out, it is well acted and it's a decent movie. And yes, it's another movie that is less than realistic in its premise, as most Hallmark movies are. But the story moves at a good pace, there is no loud music playing over the dialogue, and the setting was better than average. Most of the characters were believable as real people, and they had good chemistry with one another. All in all, it's an above average Hallmark presentation.

Kudos to the kids that performed on the rifle drill team. As a former Exhibition Rifle Drill Team Commander, they did a fantastic job.

Past Malice (2017–2019)

Oh the acting.....

[6/10 · 14 September 2021]

Why is Kimberley Sustad always relegated to supporting roles? She is far and away a better actor than anyone else in this movie.

Beyond the Door III (1989)

My WTF list from BTD III (Amok Train)

[5/10 · 7 June 2021]

Things I wondered about while watching this movie.

1. Why spend so much time showing the train dispatch center and the dialogue between the staff when there are no subtitles? I mean, you get there is panic, but you could establish that in a few seconds. No need to have us watch the back and forth if you aren't going to give us subtitles.

2. Did the train turn around when it jumped the tracks? How did it get back to the original village?

3. Were the kids unconscious when the villagers nailed those heavy boards over their doors before trying to burn them alive? How did they not hear anything?

4. Why not just take the girl directly to the ceremony instead of this long drawn out production? Once the professor knocked her out with the soup he could have just kidnapped her, am I right?

5. Does the thief understand that gunpowder can ignite from the cigarillo dangling from her lip?

6. The engineer, who does manual labor for a living, couldn't free himself from a knit scarf? Unless they use a different material in Serbia, I'm pretty sure he could have extracted himself from some yarn.

These are just the ones that stood out that I hadn't seen anyone else mention.

It was fun to watch, but confusing at times. Constant action kept me entertainerd. Solid B-movie, and like others said, it was well lighted and shot. Kudos to the special effects crew, solid work on an obviously low budget. Plausibility could have used some work.

Army of the Dead (2021)

If Michael Bay made action horror.

[2/10 · 25 May 2021]

I wanted to like this, I really did. The action was fine, the CGI worked, the plot had an interesting idea, but the characters and the cliches, ugh. You think if you had years to film, you could figure a way out of the typical horror tropes. And how many rounds can one magazine hold? And robot zombies? Seriously, nice try to get a sequel, but if they make one, I won't watch it. Could have been epic, but ended up meh. I expected more.

Blood Beat (1983 Video)

Christmas samurai gives animal activist orgasms

[5/10 · 25 February 2021]

Not even making that headline up. This movie covers a lot of ground, explains nothing, sets up almost nothing, uses student film special effects, has the most convoluted plot of any movie I've seen, and yet I couldn't stop watching it. Overall a 5, but a solid 10 on originality. Watch it, you won't be disappointed

In Other Words (2020)

Cute non-Hallmark but kinda Hallmark

[6/10 · 6 February 2021]

We watch Hallmark movies for the predictable cheese, and this movie was very similar, but with a bigger budget. Still cute and fun though, we enjoyed it.

Bonding (2018–2021)

Season 1 was hilarious, season 2 meh

[7/10 · 1 February 2021]

So far season 2 is no where near as clever as season 1. Apparently getting BDSM correct was more important than continuing a hilarious show. The spark is dead, but hey, at least we know a collar is for a sub.

Sense, Sensibility & Snowmen (2019 TV Movie)

Im sorry, what the what?

[4/10 · 28 December 2020]

We usually like Luke Mcfarlane, but im not sure what robot character he was trying channel, but it was awkward and weird. Haven't seen a lot of Erin Krakows work, but she was not great in this. Kimberly Sustad had her usual solid performance, but she was underused as usual. This marks our 190th Hallmark movie, but it almost didn't make the cut. Sadly, we had watched one hour and two minutes of the movie when we decided to stop watching, but the rule in our house is 60 minutes or more and you have to finish it. I wish I would have checked 3 minutes sooner. This was all the cliches, but poorly done, with weird "acting" and a boring, predictable story. Must miss.

Christmas with the Darlings (2020 TV Movie)

No family values? Did you watch this movie?

[7/10 · 15 December 2020]

Or did you just write a bad review because you're narrow minded? This movie was 100% about family, and how it's more important than anything else. Nothing I saw said anything different.

Christmas Land (2015 TV Movie)

Please watch this movie!

[7/10 · 10 December 2020]

This movie is 65 minutes of the typical Hallmark formula. Just promoted hard working city girl, money obsessed boyfriend, a small town revives Christmas spirit, will they, won't they kiss scene with the potential love interest, all the tropes we're used to are there. And then, the third act. Let me just say, this is the movie conclusion you will talk about for a while. It is amazing/frustrating/hilarious/ridiculous all at the same time. It's so bad it's good. Like Troll 2. Everything about it is wrong. It goes agaisnt the character establishment of the first 2 acts. It doesn't use available bail-out options you learned earlier. Basic financial rationality ceases to exist. And best of all, the "bad guy" doesn't come around and see the error of his ways, and he still ends up exchanging pleasantries at the end, while carrying away the life savings of the town's elderly. It's awesome. We will be talking about how dumb this one was for a while. So do yourself a favor, especially if you like bad movies, watch Christmas Land.

Country at Heart (2020 TV Movie)

One of the best Hallmark movies in a while

[8/10 · 4 October 2020]

My wife and I have watched over 130 Hallmark movies, and this was one of the best we've seen in a while. Nice original music, great acting, good chemistry between all the actors. Nice work Hallmark.

The Perfect Bride: The Perfect Bride: Wedding Bells (2019) Season 1, Episode 2

I felt a part of this movie.

[4/10 · 25 September 2020]

Watching her try on dresses in a movie bored me as much as if I was actually there. They really stretched out this limited plot line. Too many similar scenes with not a lot of movement forward. I felt they could have done the second act in 5 minute montage. Not the best Hallmark, but not the worst.

Follow Me to Daisy Hills (2020 TV Movie)

Another Hallmark movie with music in every scene

[4/10 · 20 September 2020]

My wife and I have a theory that Hallmark adds music to every scene that is weak, has poor acting, or bad sound. This movie had music in every scene were watched (turned it off at the 45 minute mark). We've watched over 110 Hallmark movies, this one was disappointing.

Hats Off to Christmas! (2013 TV Movie)

Has the writer ever worked retail?

[3/10 · 29 July 2020]

So im only writing to critique the supposed business model of the supposed single location Christmas store that operates year round. First off, the sell Christmas hats, and very limited other Christmas items. They have a warehouse on top of a back room at the store. They also have a corporate office with a reception desk employee. Now I only have a BS in Business Management, but I know that a 1500 sq ft retail store that sells merchandise for a single holiday, probably doesn't need a warehouse, and it's definitely doesn't need a corporate office with a reception desk. If the average hat costs $20 (and that's very generous), their sales would need to be in the millions, which im not seeing from that tiny store front. And yes, I know, it's a movie. But it's not too hard to do a little research.

6 Underground (2019)

Goodbye 2 hours.

[5/10 · 19 December 2019]

Why do I watch Michael Bay movies? There's more explosions than dialogue and characters that don't develop. Its just a long series of stupid gunfights, car chases, explosions, stupid hand to hand combat, more explosions, and zero attention to detail. Bullets that cause sparks? A good that out maneuvers all the bad guys but somehow gets caught? Terrible dialogue, "over and out"? Which is it, over or out, it's not both. I get that is supposed to be fun, but I guess I would like a balance of plot, special effects, and characters that grow. We had two hours to learn something or see them develop, but nope, they inexplicably go from one extreme to the other with no real explanation of why. Im just ranting cause I'm mad I watched this. Its a waste of talent, Ryan Reynolds and Melanie Laurent are better than this. If you like things that go boom, gravity defying car chases, PG-13 sex scenes with zero set up, a pretty dumb plot, and more explosions, you will absolutely love this movie. If you want more than that, steer clear.

One Cut of the Dead (2017)

Really clever!

[9/10 · 24 September 2019]

Great script, really fun and unique, A movie about a movie filming a movie. Watch it, you'll be happy you did.

Funland (1987)

Not a horror movie, it's satire and dark comedy

[5/10 · 11 February 2019]

Lavern and Shirley, SNL and the Police Academy films are all represented by the main characters and films writers. The director is also responsible for Sleepaway Camp II & III, the goofy sequels to the legit original. Add a parody of the Godfather and every stereotype of 80s movie characters, and you get this movie. It's slightly funny, but it doesn't come close to being horror, or even horror comedy. Watch it for the over the top acting and ridiculous plot, which at times is pretty funny. But the best parts are the background conversations "you kids are gonna have fun if I have to beat it out of you" (look for the mom of this scene, a pre-Trump Marla Maples), or the jokes in the sets, like the sign before the line of a ride that shows a clown holding a rubber sphere that says "you must be as tall as my balls to ride this attraction". It's all stupid sophomoric humor, but it's still funny. Not a must see, but a good rainy day movie with friends trying to spot the little hidden jokes.

Velvet Buzzsaw (2019)

Good cast, clever idea, and....... good cast?

[4/10 · 4 February 2019]

Was it horror? Was it satire? Was it social commentary about valuing art instead of just appreciating it? I'm not sure about any of those, all I know is it was almost 2 hours long and I've already forgotten everything. Not a memorable scene, not a single scary moment, just some nice shots of LA and a bunch of characters you never care about. On a scale of 1 to 5 I give it a meh.

Patriot (2015–2018)

Bottle Rocket + Fargo = Patriot

[10/10 · 14 November 2018]

Smart dialogue, fantastic cinematography, not a second of wasted film. Each scene is full, no filler. Even when it seems slow, it's not. Every character is well thought out and serves a purpose. Great acting by all.