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Crocodile (2000)
Tobe Hooper tries something different.
It's the year 2000, and things haven't been going so well for Tobe Hooper. For, like, fifteen years. So when he gets a chance to do something different, with some actual money behind it (nearly $3 million, apparently), he takes a chance.
Crocodile basically tries to cross-breed Scream with Lake Placid, with decidedly mixed results. I've seen worse animals in various SyFy movies, and Tobe wisely doesn't even try to hide Croc's shortcomings, just letting him all hang out for the most part.
Nope, the main problem is with the Scream teens. Most of them are totally unlikeable, and the ones we're supposed to care about are dry white toast on legs.
However, this is better lensed than most movies of this ilk, and there's enough with, visual and verbal, to make this worth your 90 minutes, if only to see what Hooper was up to during Y2K.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
Awful sequel.
The first Resident Evil is probably the best movie John Carpenter never made.
This movie is awful on every level.
The early 2000s editing of the action scenes sinks it.
There's no nuance to any part of it. It's all perfunctory.
The best version of this movie I saw on the Lifetime channel (no joke),
when every time Mike Epps said Mother***ker it was dubbed in as Motivator.
Three stars is me being generous.
In Dangerous Company (1988)
Unintentional hilarity abounds!
Almost every single thing in this movie is overblown and wrong. The writing, the acting, the music...the direction is actually fairly technically proficient, but that only serves to highlight how terrible and wrongheaded the whole project is.
Oh, and watch out if you're a smoker. The lead is almost constantly smoking in the first half of the movie. Don't follow his lead or you'll kill your lungs.
Only good with some beers and some friends.
Mr. Mercedes: You Can Go Home Now (2018)
Going downhill fast.
After a brilliant first season, the writers clearly had no idea which direction to take a second one. And the one they chose feels wildly at odds with the original tone. I'm still watching it for Brendan Gleeson...for now. My interest is waning rapidly, tho.
The Haunted House on Kirby Road (2016)
"I hate this already."
This movie has, hands down, the most annoying, obnoxious, insufferable cast of 'teenagers' I have ever seen. I don't understand why any of them are friends. I don't understand why any of them HAVE any friends. Even the Final Girl is fairly unlikeable. And don't even get me started on 'Truggers' (The worst nickname in the world, by the way.)- I figure they're all just using him for his stepdad's shed.
I see reviews praising the film's beginning, but I don't get that at all. It's just a bunch of on-the-nose dialogue setting up who's who and what's what and jerks being mean to each other. And don't even get me started on the extended sequence of us watching our 'heroes' watch videos on the internet.
Even as boneheaded as the screenplay was I still chuckled a few times at some of the lines, so at least the actors were putting all they could into their awful characters. But I was more often laughing at things that the filmmakers probably not intend for me to laugh at.
In short, this movie sucks on wheels. Avoid at all costs.
Lucky (2020)
A brilliant, if uneven, inversion of the Slasher sub-genre.
As far as the movie goes, the concept is prolly the most innovative to hit Slashers since SCREAM.
But do people not understand metaphors anymore? I'm a straight white male, but it wasn't hard to get that this is a movie about all the crap women have to endure every single day. It also wasn't hard to put myself in the protagonist's shoes and feel her frustration.
Finally, 'The Man' is, in form and in movement, the coolest slasher since Ghostface. Even if he gets beaten up EVEN MORE, somehow.
Creepshow: A Creepshow Animated Special: Survivor Type/Twittering from the Circus of the Dead (2020)
Absolutely terrible.
Cheaply animated and poorly voiced. I'm a big fan of King's short story 'Survivor Type', but they really botched it here. And the second story is just atrocious, with one of the least appealing protagonists I have seen in any story, in any medium. Not even worth the scant running time.
Extremity (2018)
Worth it for the 3rd act
The first hour plays out as Fincher's THE GAME but directed by Rob Zombie: dumb, loud, and obnoxious. But when the cards are turned over in the last 30 minutes, the film really starts swinging for the fences. So, if you can stand the endless screaming and interminable flashbacks of the first hour, you'll probably be satisfied when it's over.
Texas Death Trippin' (2019)
Bwah-hahahaha-HAHA...no.
This is probably the dumbest, lamest, most inept and least inspired bit of film making I have ever seen. There are maybe two or three throwaway lines over the paltry running time (and even that's padded as all hell) that are nominally chuckle-worthy. And that's it. I forced myself to watch it to the bitter end, as if I had been dared to sit thru 92 minutes of the most puerile, incoherent nonsense I could possibly fine. The kids should love it.