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ZFPeterson
Reviews
The Gardener (1998)
Absolutely, unequivocally the worst movie of all time.
A friend of mine bought this film on DVD because he wanted to see Malcolm McDowell in it. After watching it, and consequently spending several weeks in therapy, he somehow convinced me to do the same.
You have to understand, this film is diabolical on almost every conceivable level. There is simply no redeeming feature to it. The script, premise, acting, direction, sets, costumes, stunts, score and special effects are all excruciatingly insufferable, but it doesn't even stop there.
It is the *only* film I can think of where I can stand up and say "Yes, even the props are awful." In that respect, I am referring to the typical example of a random DEA Officer - little more than an extra - who, for some unknown reason, brandishes a pistol that is so enormous, one would normally expect to find it on the deck of the Bismarck.
In this way, an inconceivable absurdity permeates every facet of this motion picture. The US Government would not be unreasonable to establish a special agency tasked with keeping James D.R. Hickox (director), Joseph Gunn (writer) and Angie Everhart (`actress') away from movie studios from now until the end of time.
Frankly, I would happily welcome a visit from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, rather than watch this film again. When compared to suffering The Gardener in all its nightmarish glory, passing a dozen kidney stones would be considered a joyous and uplifting experience.
Predator 2 (1990)
More weapons, more Predator, more fun.
I'm surprised this film gets a lower average rating than 'Predator' - most people I know actually prefer this one. While the first film was indeed a masterpiece, I think this one just clinches it, apart from anything else, because of the variety of funky weapons this Predator uses. It makes the action scenes much more interesting to watch, as he continually pulls out different weapons for each of his prey.
Also, Kevin Peter Hall puts across a surprisingly deep performance for such a violent creature. All too often, monster bad-guys are all "Grr, Argh" and show very little intelligence, but this boy is smart.
Of course, this movie inconspicuously links to that other great Sci-fi saga, the 'Alien' films, by showing the skull of an Alien drone in the Predator's trophy room. It's only glimpsed twice in the movie, but provides the only on-screen basis for the 'Aliens vs. Predator' franchise.
Hopefully, Fox might get its act together and finally give us an AvP movie...