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joecaren
Reviews
Higher Power (2018)
Utterly craptasticly lazy writing with no foundation for any element critical to the story.
Utterly craptasticly lazy writing with no foundation for any element critical to the story.
This fiction, but it certainly is nothing anywhere close to science fiction. That would require science of some kind, ideally at least moderately supportable in the internal structure of the story covering multiple scientific disciplines.
This story has none of that, no actual foundation for the plot, and no justification for its complexity, it's length, most of the effect used (rather, abused), or even for it's very existence.
1 of 10, grudgingly.
Avoid at all costs! Take up macrame instead, or tatting. At least those actually involve science.
A Gun for Jennifer (1997)
If it's your thing . . .
Aside from the low quality video, which could compete with porn from the sixties, and absolutely horrendous audio which couldn't, this movie is lacking a thing two.
For instance, some semblance of decent acting. That's missing.
Writing? Well, it's there. I mean, somebody wrote some words. They were poorly chosen and badly assembled, and every character has the same limited vocabulary, but technically it's writing, and it is unfortunately present.
I won't touch the plot. That would be making the same mistake the producers made.
Any real character development must have been saved for the prequel, so there's that. Rather, there isn't.
That's enough words.
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023)
Context
5/10, sort of
Frankly, if I hadn't seen the latest Flash movie, I'd have given this a significantly lower review. The story wasn't just on crutches from the start, it abandoned one crutch for another as it went along, as if the writers knew none of them would stand for long.
Definitely not Momoa's best outing, even within his limits.
Now I need characters that matter to reach six hundred. This movie needs more characters that matter, and actors and writing which make me believe they do, so I'll keep writing words until this review is accepted, or DC gets back to providing quality, whichever comes first.
Fargo: The Tragedy of the Commons (2023)
Horny old toy, yon dolt
Whatever anyone says, this absolutely does not bring one iota of the magic of the original show, which is unfortunate. I've seen high praise, and very low reviews. I disagree with many of the former, and with few of the latter.
Is it relevant the anagrams of Dorothy Lyon and Dot Lyon come out to be "Horny old toy, yon dolt." You decide, please. I have several more characters to fill out, much like this production.
The stupidity of several characters is surpassed by that of those highly praising the series, and, even moreso by those who wrote this.
I can't tell whether the accent coaches should be fired, or the performers they attempted to coach.
OK, I've used enough characters. At least I didn't abuse them.
Office Invasion (2022)
Just off. High school amateur level at best.
So many pretty vague points to the story that it's pointless. It's trying too hard to be something, but nobody seems to have a clue just what it is; not the writer(s), not the director, certainly not the performers.
You can skip the remainder of this review, and the movie production itself, without missing out on anything of real significance.
I have to have, at a minimum, six hundred characters for some reason, in order to fully satisfy an algorithm which was clearly generated by one, or perhaps more, individuals at the behest of some entity or collection of entities which may or may not be human(s).
Legionnaire's Trail (2020)
Not the worst movie ever, perhaps . . .
. . . but probably the worst ever that wasn't literally made in a garage and featuring half a dozen positions and bodily fluids which are not red.
Mickey Rourke gave perhaps his worst performance ever, butchering names consistently, even when another actor in the same frame used the correct pronunciation. Only one other actor mispronounced Paetus as Pateus, and I suspect he was afraid to contradict Rourke.
Kept hoping to see Bai Ling, finally did at about 1:17 in - for about a minute - then for about seven minutes at about 1:21 in. Wasn't worth the wait.
Bad writing.
Bad directing.
Bad editing.
Bad cess.
Winona (2019)
Better than a sleeping pill, I guess.
Fought to stay awake through it.
Seemed like mediocre writers generated large volumes of inane, vapid dialogue hoping that some it would be good enough for the final script and all of it got used, even though almost none of it was any good.
The Affair (2004)
TL;DR
Nice video quality, some pretty places and pretty faces.
Writing was almost as good as an after school special written by high school students.
The acting wasn't.
Couldn't force myself to finish yet another bad movie.
Hell Baby (2013)
Weak, even as parody.
If you enjoy grade school humor lacking in wit (think Reno 9-1-1 but less clever), you might like this.
I have to type more words, so I'll add that I only sat through the end of it because my DVR wS recording things I couldn't catch the startof.
Ozark (2017)
Not quite real, but kind of close.
I think this was started by someone who knew a bit, maybe more than a bit, about the subject. Presenting the story as they've done is remarkable.
It's not quite as good as 'Breaking Bad', but it has unique approaches, and some philosophical approaches.
Some of the actors just miss the mark.
Sad, really, as they're mostly not bad. You can see directorial influence, which should never be true.
The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window (2022)
Aims low and fails to reach it's target
The ridiculous title was the only clue I had that this was a parody. Having picked up on that, I was disappointed. Perhaps the discontinuities were intended. They failed to amuse.
Two stars, one for Kristen Bell and one for decent audio - at least I could hear the dialog.
Astrid and Lilly Save the World (2022)
Budget is no excuse
Unconvincing protagonists, bad writing, lousy acting - not a feel-good amusing fantasy, more of a challenge, even a threat, like 'Enjoy this or else!"
Well, it's very much 'else'.
Don't Look Up (2021)
Just don't look at Don't Look Up.
JUST DON'T LOOK.
I want my time back.
*** SPOILERS ***
It's about three scientists trying to warn the world about a massive comet with a 99.87% chance (if I remember correctly) of hitting Earth in an Extinction Level Event.
These three scientists are thwarted at every turn by political memes some mediocre writers tried (badly) to turn into actual characters.
The scientists were played kinda ok.
The actors playing the memes kinda sucked.
The script has an unbelievable twist fairly early.
There is an unlikely scheme to divert the comet using special unlikely nukes, but it is abandoned when the capitalist meme discovers there is a large fortune in rare earth material as well as a smaller fortune in less rare materials.
The capitalist meme has a hugely unlikely (ridiculous, really, but the entire story is ridiculous) plan to break up the whole thing using superspecial space drones to break up the comet and maneuver the smaller pieces into orbit for harvesting.
The hugely unlikely ridiculous plan fails in spectacularly ridiculous fashion, the everybody waits to die, except rich memes and politically powerful memes because the capitalist meme had built a space ark to carry 2000 assorted memes through an automated search for a habitable planet while the memes rested in cryogenic slumber.
The ship finds a planet, lands, and wakes up the memes (pretty much the only thing which went right).
The memes promptly go outside and stand around naked on this far-off alien world until the local fauna starts killing them.
The end.