artabuneta Reviews

The Burning Girls (2023)

Cheap and boring

[4/10 · 12 January 2024]

Another cheap Paramount+ production with budget production values and lousy screenplay, in this case a violation rape of a popular novel.

Most of the characters are life-sized cardboard cutouts, one-dimensional and without depth, played by good to middling actors one has seen kicking around on TV.

The protagonist has, of course, tragedy in her past (main characters with troubled pasts that they're trying to come to atone for are a trend that will hopefully be over soon), tragedy which interrupts the narrative in an irritating, nonsensical and ultraviolent parallel plot.

The plot, of course, connects the past (1556 in this case) to the present. Witch burnings (of which there's no historical record in England), disappearances, apparent suicides all feature and there are constant hints at supernatural evil which fail to engage.

For a while the show keeps one guessing about people's true agendas, but repetition and pacing make one lose interest early on.

Mildly entertaining.

Monarch: Legacy of Monsters (2023– )

Utter Garbage

[3/10 · 8 January 2024]

Apple+'s shows are all similar. Bloated soap operas of varying degrees of stupidity centered on formulaic and predictable and often interchangeable story lines. Mostly with glacial pacing reminiscent of the sloths working at the DMV in Zootopia, mostly boring. With bombastic and soppy scores that make Hans Zimmer sound like Death Metal.

Monarch is like a budget film based upon a mediocre YA novel, unnecessarily extended to 10 episode. Chaste and sanitized like a Disney production, with immature and unlikeable characters, insipid dialogue like conversations of the mentally underdeveloped, indifferent CGI and multiple timelines, none of which are much interesting.

Even the monsters, when they make a rare appearance, are nothing to get excited about.

Project Wolf Hunting (2022)

End to end ultrabrutality

[5/10 · 20 May 2023]

There's a story here, but before you get there, blood has been spilt by the hectoliter and dozens have met atrocious ends with sadistic and explicitly glee. There's been a bit of cannibalism, a blow job with no happy ending and some cheesy dialogue. Not once does the camera flinch.

Everyone get what they deserve and not: criminals, cops, ship crew, the innocent snd guilty alike. With very few exceptions, everyone is thoroughly unpleasant, on both sides of the law. Swearing and cussing are the currency of communication.

A bit of back story is revealed and parallel storylines and flashbacks attempt to create a semblance of meaning, but by then the consistent nastiness and cynicism of the movie have numbed all senses and you need to wash down the nausea.

The Mummy (2017)

Nonsense

[3/10 · 21 April 2023]

The Mummy is a most unfortunate mix of silly horror and cringeworthy romantic comedy.

The myth behind the story is ridiculous. Jesus having been an avocado-eating yoga teacher and pot-smoking surfer would have been as realistic as the hodgepodge of random facts and pseudo-facts and outright historical fabrications that is the backbone of this nonsense.

The film features borrowed and stolen elements from dozens of other films (including not only the walking dead, but also the talking dead of An American Werewolf in London). Witness here Russel Crowe looking like everyone's idea of an evil English scientist named Dr. Jeckyll (you can imagine where that'll lead).

Mayfair Witches (2023– )

Pedestrian

[4/10 · 1 April 2023]

Sumptuous production design and some fine acting cannot compensate for a stupid story utterly unlike the three books the series is supposedly based upon.

Everything, every dream and hallucination, every kiss and sex scene, is so watered down, sanitized and bland as to be completely meaningless.

There is no horror, no drama, no character development, no thrills. And there's no glamour. The idea that witches, were they to exist, would be like this, uninteresting and uninspiring individuals who happen to have to power to cause aneurysms, is sobering and demystifying.

Dialogue is clichéd, the 'feminist' elements are trite and simplistic.

Viking Wolf (2022)

Laughable

[4/10 · 3 February 2023]

This is one big pot of nonsense stew. The script doesn't have a single original idea, everything is borrowed, both from superior movies and equally stupid ones. It's like an amateurish mashup of every werewolf movie you've ever seen. Ginger Snaps in particular says hello throughout, there are echoes of When Animals Dreams, which is actually a decent Scandinavian coming of age cum werewolf movie. A chaste and sanitized ghost of American Werewolf in London is somewhere in there, too.

There's a bit of teenage family drama thrown in, there's young love, both of which don't take the story anywhere.

The dialogue is very bad, the production bland, the overall look is that of a minor TV movie. There are multiple goofs and continuity issues.

Worst of all, the movie is a bore.

The Witch: Part 2 - The Other One (2022)

Brilliant action, incredibly stupid dialogue

[7/10 · 21 January 2023]

Maybe Korean humor is entirely different from European humor. You'd be hard pressed to find dialogue more stupid than that between the tough boss woman hunting the nameless heroine and her Western subaltern. Cringeworthy acquires a whole new dimension here.

Much of the 'toughness' here will appeal to juvenile toughs. The hard guys and gals drink scotch from the bottle and smoke.

The multiple storylines and flashbacks start to make sense near the end of the movie.

The basic premise is very derivative and predictable and what passes for a plot can be dismissed.

It's the action and fight scenes, brief outbursts of gratuitous ultraviolence, perfectly choreographed, that carry the movie.

The photography is superb, production design and overall atmosphere are very good, as is the soundtrack.

Chemistry of Death (2023– )

Boring and derivative

[4/10 · 19 January 2023]

What a bore. Every character here is a cliché, the plot predictable and derivative.

We have the broken, traumatized hero whose trauma is revisited in zillions of little flashbacks. Flashbacks are this sensible man's thing, as it transpires. The man is the world's leading specialist in forensic anthropology, now playing at being a simple GP in the boondocks until a series of improbable and, frankly, risible ritual murders draw him into the cases.

There are a number of twists, some of them wuite surprising, the usual false arrests and, of course, the imperiled love interest who suffers from ... diabetes. Thankfully, it's not asthma.

Not very well acted throughout, with the low production values and bland look typical for British series, this is no feast for the eyes.

Don't Worry Darling (I) (2022)

Bland and stupid

[4/10 · 28 December 2022]

The first part of the film feels like a budget rehash of themes explored in much better and meaningful ways in other movies. With more depth and empathy. And much better acting. The only performance worth the name is Florence Pugh's. Mr. Styles, for instance, has all the charm, personality and presence of a Ken doll.

The cinematography is excellent, as are costume and production design. Pity they treated the cast as part of the furniture; all polished to a shine, glossy advertisement photographs devoid of meaning.

Then comes the twist upon which all hinges. To call it underwhelming would be an overstatement.

That Dita von Teese cameo? An act of desperation.

See How They Run (2022)

As stupid as it gets

[3/10 · 27 December 2022]

Fails on all levels. As a whodunnit, it's ridiculous. As a comedy, it's not funny at all. There's no wit in evidence, no repartee. The pairing of the world-weary, cynical inspector with the overly enthusiastic, inexperienced rookie (a WPC, no less), which has worked numerous times before, never gets off the ground.

The characters hardly deserve the name; they're two-dimensional cardboard cut-outs at best.

Inclusion is taken to extremes, Sir Max Mallowan, Agatha Christie's husband, is played by a Black actor.

The denouement is disappointing, implausibility and far-fetched.

Production values are excellent.

Shadow in the Cloud (2020)

Gremlins

[4/10 · 10 December 2022]

Gremlins. Superinsipid and simplistic dialogue by superstupid oafs so ridiculously misogynistic that it can't be taken seriously.

Chloe Grace Moretz is excellent, everyone else a caricature.

There's a bit of a story, but not too much. After the contents of Maude's mysterious package are revealed, a twist that was probably intended to add depth to the story only adds a further dimension of nonsense.

The general set-up of the movie is very good, only Maud is visible to the camera most of the time, the men only disembodied voices.

Much of the action and events in the second half of the film defy not only the rules of probability but also of physics, biology and medicine.

A movie seemingly by potheads for an audience of potheads.

Spiral (2021)

Unpleasant

[4/10 · 13 November 2022]

Unpleasant characters everywhere, spouting stupidities from a script that mistakes constant cursing with personality and tough talking with coherence. Borrows heavily from Seven. There are innumerable inconsistency and obvious plot holes.

Everyone's corrupt and deceitful to the degree that one roots for Jigsaw. Also, everything on the police force seems to be incredibly stupid, as if sub-standard intelligence were a prerequisite to being hired by the PD. Oh, and no one ever answers their phone.

Chris Rock plays the protagonist with the subtlety of s sledgehammer, Samuel L. Jackson reprises roles he's played many times before.

Boring to boot.

Hellhole (2022)

Atmospheric and original

[8/10 · 9 November 2022]

Exorcism, cannibalism, ancient prophecies, satanism. A bit of everything, much of it derived, but combined in novel ways.

The movie is set in the winter months, the atmosphere throughout is pessimistic and bleak, the color scheme is blue and orange (for the light, mainly candlelight) and the score is subdued and supports the drama very well. Perhaps a reference to the general climate in Communist Poland.

There is one superfluous jump scare; apart from that, the storytelling is pared down, no nonsense, no frills.

The build-up to the final scene, beginning underground, is hilarious and lends some relief to the tension.

The climax, when it arrives, is unexpectedund restrained. Creature design is excellent, the imagery and symbolism very powerful. There is no Hollywood style happy ending; rather ambiguity that gives food for thought and raises questions about the truthfulness of common understandings and concepts.

May the Devil Take You (2018)

Can't make up its mind

[5/10 · 9 September 2022]

This is one movie that can't decide what it wants to be. After a strong opening scene, it teeters, scene by scene, between potentially excellent snd actually ridiculous.

The movie is set in Indonesia but all the possible benefits the unusual locale may have added are wasted and the setting could have been Spokane, WA, Lodz in Poland, Milton Keynes in the UK or anywhere else, for that matter, without affecting the narrative.

The effects are very derivative, 'inspired' by fozens of mediocre productions about deals with the devil being a generally bad idea, demonic possession and its side effects and stupid decisions made by characters in horror movies that lead to not-so-nice consequences.

There actually is a credible and somewhat engaging story here in parallel to the horror tropes, the acting is decent and a credible transformation of at least two protagonists from unlikeable to less so.

X (II) (2022)

Boring

[4/10 · 4 September 2022]

Well made, excellent cinematography, some good ideas and the dialogue is quite good.

The premise is somewhat preposterous, but the central themes are universal and universally relevant.

The story, however, is disjointed and the film lacks surprises and there is an utter lack of tension. There is humor, both intended and not, very mediocre music and amazing feats of strength from the feeble. Jesus, of course, is present, too.

In order to fulfill the new 600 character minimum here's some blah:

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Westworld (2016–2022)

Season 4 is very bad

[3/10 · 15 August 2022]

An incomprehensible storyline, confusing shifts between timelines, one-dimensional characters, much tearjerking, embarrassingly bad dialogue and, worst of all, boring.

The Dark and the Wicked (2020)

Bleak

[5/10 · 27 May 2022]

Atmospheric, consistently cheerless and depressing. This might have been truly exceptional, but silly scenes and some very, very tired and run-of-the-mill FX, staples of many mediocre films featuring demonic possession of sundry varieties, ruin the overall effect. There are pointless ruminations on the nature of belief and the odd physiological impossibility here and there. Oh, the mandatory shower scene is there, too.

Halo (2022– )

Ouch

[3/10 · 24 March 2022]

Very badly acted, painful to watch. Inane dialogue, ridiculous plot, cheap, derivative fx (reference to Predator). Cast of characters reminds one of a budget copy of The Expanse. All 'rebels' spout the same crappy haircut seen elsewhere, recently in Raised by Wolves.

Vigil (2021– )

Formulaic and superpredictable

[5/10 · 27 January 2022]

Vigil is mildly entertaining. A low-budget TV production with correspondingly indifferent production values.

All the ingredients are copied and formulaic. A traumatic past experience haunts the investigating detective and bores the viewer in tedious flashbacks. Literally every dramatic twist and turn is predictable. The politics driving the two sides (Royal Navy vs. Anti-nuclear activists) are as exciting as in real life and as thrilling as a speech by Mother Greta Great Tuna Thunberg.

It seems that it's a requirement for investigators in British and Scandinavian mystery shows to be at least unlikeable, if not downright unpleasant.

Recommendable for binging when floored by the flu.

Wrong Turn (2021)

Could have been good

[5/10 · 17 January 2022]

After a strong, if slightly ridiculous, two thirds, the last third deteriorates into utter nonsense.

Family values and what seems to be a very soppy happy end are followed by a neat little twist at the end.

The Wheel of Time (2021– )

Generic, sanitized bore

[4/10 · 19 November 2021]

Could be any YA series based on 'cult' novels. Impressive settings, mediocre effects, boring and uninspired characters played by bland and interchangeable actors. Badly choreographed action derived from a zillion similar scenes. Sanitized to please even ultraconservative parents of superprotected eight year-olds.

The Power (II) (2021)

Terrible acting

[4/10 · 28 October 2021]

The minimalistic approach, probably driven by budgetary constraints, doesn't work here.

The story is less than original and has been told in a zillion different ways in as many movies: vengeful spirit from the past wreaks all manner of havoc to everyone's detriment. Add a young woman's tormented soul, erm, haunted by past abuse, seriously bad and stilted acting and dialogue, some feminist aspects that come across as contrived and you have your wasted time and money.

By the time the film reaches its less than mediocre ending, you may have nodded off.

The Chestnut Man (2021– )

Predictable and full of cliches

[5/10 · 25 October 2021]

Another Scandic 'noir' from Denmark, the country of Lego. Similar to Lego, the series takes building blocks from dozens, no, hundreds of crime shows from around the world and uses them to build ... nothing new.

All the familiar types are there as cardboard figures without depth, improbable things happen in completely impossible time frames, red herrings abound and tension is scarce. Everything is sanitized.

Denmark is portrayed as a multi-cultural wonderland, which is very far from the actual truth.

Similar to classic British crime novels, the murderer is the gardener, metaphorically speaking, and viewers familiar with the Netflix playbook for commercially successful crime shows will spot that person very early on.

Foundation (2021– )

Unwatchable

[3/10 · 1 October 2021]

The literally constant pompous orchestral store makes this unwatchable. The acting is atrocious, every line feels read from a page instead of spoken by a perdon. The characters lack depth are devoid of emotion.

The story is an unmitigated bore, there is no tension whatever.

Malignant (I) (2021)

Silliness galore

[3/10 · 10 September 2021]

This is ridiculous beyond belief. Not a single original idea, just a rehash of Janes Wan staples. A script copied and pasted from any number of mediocre horror flicks, badly acted by second-rate unknowns (with the exception of Miss Wallis) spouting nonsense. Not particularly interesting or thrilling, let alone scary.