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Reviews
Ava (2020)
I swear this movie is 4 hours long
I recently stumbled across this movie on Prime. It's been out for a while, but I never knew it existed. I wish I still didn't know. After reading the description, I thought it sounded cool. Good trailer, great cast, Jessica Chastain as an assassin, short running time what could go wrong? Turns out, just about everything. This flick basically has no plot. It's a series of action scenes pieced together and stuffed with meandering subplots. I feel like I've seen this movie several times. Assassin screws up an assignment so the company comes after her. That's it. That's the whole story. None of the characters are remotely interesting and most of them are straight up unlikable. This movie just drags along. I had to double check the runtime because it felt like a 4 hour movie. It's like someone wrote a 30 minute screenplay and decided to fill the rest of the time with long, drawn out inane conversations that have nothing to do with the narrative. This one is just a stinker.
You're Killing Me (2023)
How did this get made?!
Have you ever watched a movie that was so bad that it made you physically angry? This is that movie. For some reason it was certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. The numbers had to be manipulated. There is nothing good about this movie. I don't know how anyone involved with this travesty watched the finished product and declared "yep, it's ready". The plot is a re-tread of much better movies (young woman gets hunted by a group of killers) but with terrible dialogue and even worse acting. It's sad to see Anne Heche (R. I. P.) who is clearly not all there and the usually solid Dermot Mulrony ham it up, and at the same time, phone it in. This movie could have been wrapped up in about 45 minutes and it would have been better. Most of the scenes seem to be dragged out to fill time. Do yourself a favor and skip this one.
The Conversation (1974)
Not sure what all the fuss is about
I'm working my way through a list of "classic" films that are widely considered the best of their decade. I'm on the 70's and this film is on just about every published "best of" list. First off, I understand the movie, the theme, and what Coppola is trying to express. I just found it incredibly boring. I'm not sure why this is considered a thriller. It's an hour's worth of plot stretched out into 2 hours. The characters are unlikable and uninteresting, the dialog is stilted and unnatural, and characters pop in and out without any purpose and then never return. Entire scenes seem to exist just to exist and add nothing to the story or plot. Not a very entertaining movie.
Midnight in the Switchgrass (2021)
Tough to watch
I'm really surprised that this movie actually had a theatrical release. The dialogue, pacing, and acting is absolutely atrocious. There are several recognizable actors in this mess that have been much better in other movies. You'll find yourself pointing at the screen and saying "Isn't that the guy from that one movie....?". The hardest part about sitting though this movie is watching Bruce Willis sleepwalk through his scenes. Willis has been in so many fantastic movies and it's hard to see him go out like this. He filmed all his scenes in one day, and it shows. He's obviously just sitting there repeating lines as they're fed to him through an earpiece. You could completely remove his character and it wouldn't affect the plot of the movie at all. He's just there so they could put his picture on the poster. I don't blame Willis. He's obviously trying to bank some money before his health deteriorates to the point that he can't work anymore. It's heartbreaking to watch.
Paul T. Goldman (2023)
3 hours spent with the most obnoxious man alive
I'm currently trying to slog through this series. The concept is interesting, but the main character is really annoying. You can see why he doesn't have many relationships. I don't think I could spend more than 5 minutes in a room with him. I don't know how they got so many recognizable actors to "act" along side him. His acting and dialogue is so terrible that I can't figure out if this is supposed to be a parody or an actual true crime doc. I don't believe half of what he says, despite his constant reassurances that his story is 100% true. I hate bailing on a series after a couple of episodes, but I'm not sure I can sit through this anymore.
House of Gucci (2021)
Is this a comedy or a drama?
The tone of this movie is all over the map. It's scripted as a true crime drama, but the performances and dialogue are so cartoonish and over the top that it plays as a dark comedy. Jared Leto's unrecognizable character is so hammy that I actually had to go on IMDB to see who the actor was. I was curious who the terrible actor was that landed such a plumb role in this high profile film. Adam Driver and Lady Gaga are ok for the most part, but the rest of the cast really struggles with the Italian accents. This would have been a better documentary than a biopic. It might have been better if they had used Italian actors.
The Wheel of Time (2021)
Don't watch if you enjoyed the books!
I really wanted to like this show. I love the books and I've been waiting forever for a live adaptation. Now I hope they kill this show in order for a better adaptation to come around in a few years. If you like the books, this show will make you angry. It's like a Cliffs Notes version of a book in which the author only read the book jacket. It's not just the inaccuracies that make this a rough watch, but the dialogue is dull and overwrought, the acting is hammy, the special effects look like something you'd see on YouTube, there is zero character development, and if you haven't read the books, it is an incoherent mess. Worst of all, they took an exciting and engulfing story and made it sooooo boring. I couldn't even get through it. I would reccomend skipping this one. It's bound to get canceled before they are able to complete the story.
The Lincoln Lawyer (2022)
If you read the books, you'll be disappointed
I'm a huge fan of Michael Connelly and the Lincoln Lawyer books and I was really looking forward to this series. The casting for this show is way off. Manuel Garcia-Rulfo is terribly miscast as Mickey Haller. He's probably a good actor, but as Haller, he has no charisma at all. I realize they couldn't bring McConaughey back for a tv show, but there has to be someone better for this role. He has a slow deadpan delivery that is at odds with a character that is supposed to be charming and and funny. Another important character that is miscast is Cisco. It's like the actor was told to do a tough guy voice and he panicked and started impersonating Clint Eastwood. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard every time he pops up. Neve Campbell as Maggie is the only character that actually fits the book. I'm only a couple of episodes in, but it's pretty disappointing so far.
The Northman (2022)
Managed to make Vikings boring
I was only able to make it halfway through this movie. I couldn't believe how slow and boring this movie is for a Viking "epic". This could have been a cool revenge tale. I had really high hopes for this movie since I first heard about it. I like Viking tales and this has a stellar cast, but the director drops the ball here. He tried to make an art house Viking movie and failed spectacularly. Strange fantasy sequences, hammy acting, corny dialogue, and odd editing contributed to this being a weird snoozefest of a movie. It's not surprising that this bombed.
Home Sweet Home Alone (2021)
Who is this for?
As a huge fan of Home Alone 1&2, this production has been a little bit of a rollercoaster for me. I was initially excited when I heard they were reviving the franchise, then I was disappointed when I found out Macaulay wasn't involved. I was still excited to see it, but about 10 minutes in, I realized that this was going to be a terrible movie. First off, I don't know if Archie Yates had to beat out a bunch of kids for the role, or if he was their first choice, but he was one of the most unlikable protagonists that I've ever seen. He had zero charisma and his personality made me root against him the entire movie. I don't who the "good guy" is supposed to be in this movie. The McKenzies are too nice to be villains, but too dumb to be heroes. Regardless, when they are subjected to the booby traps, the slapstick is more sad than funny. You don't want the obnoxious brat to win, so you just want all the "hijinks" to be over as soon as possible. Unfortunately this movie will probably put an end to the Home Alone franchise.
No Sudden Move (2021)
Waste of a great cast
I feel like I need to watch this movie again to understand what I just watched, but it's so dull and uninteresting that I don't think I could sit through it again. The plot is so convoluted and the editing so choppy that it is really hard to follow the story. Soderberg drops you in the middle of the story with no explanation of the character's backstory or the landscape of the setting. He just keeps throwing characters into the mix without explanation as to why they are there or how they fit into the story, then they all just kind of crash into each other at the end. The first 30 minutes are pretty good, then the rest of the movie is a mess. There are so many elements that become annoying throughout the movie: the stilted dialogue, the scenes that don't seem unnecessary and don't fit into the storyline, the fisheye lens, the bad sound quality, Don Cheadle's weird voice, the choppy editing that interrupted the flow of the movie, and the fact that this flick couldn't decide if it was a heist movie, or a movie about corporate espionage, or a movie about environmental issues, or a movie about racism and the negative effects of gentrification. By the end, I didn't care about any of it. By the time the credits rolled, I couldn't tell who double/triple crossed who or what this movie was really about and I really didn't care. I was just glad it was over.
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)
How did this get made?!
Movies like this are why it's hard to trust DC movies. I really wanted to like this movie. I loved the first WW, and was really looking forward to the sequel. The only silver lining was that I didn't waste $100 taking my family to the theater to watch it. I could break the whole movie down, but I'll simplify it like this:
1. Terrible plot
2. Laughable dialogue
3. Hammy overacting
4. Ridiculous villains
5. Huge plot holes
6. Unrealistic CGI
This movie was a trainwreck. It is Green Lantern bad.
Gotti (2018)
A confusing mess
I would have really loved to have been in the room while this was being edited so I could hear the director's reasoning behind chopping this movie up. This movie is just a bunch of random scenes stitched together like a blind man sewing a quilt. Gangster movies are my favorite genre, but Gotti is a really bad movie.
The Open House (2018)
Netflix owes me 90 minutes of my life back
Whoever cut the trailer for this movie is much more talented than the writer. The trailer looks creepy and suspenseful and definitely hooked me in. The movie was hot garbage. I imagine the director and writer saying to each other "what if this movie had no real ending at all! We'll just throw a bunch of characters in the plot that have no purpose and let the audience figure out what it all means!" Then they high fived each other. I'm sure they were trying to be artistic and outside the box, but they just made a terrible movie with one of the worst endings in movie history. The biggest mystery is how did this junk get financing?
The Bad Batch (2016)
Do yourself a favor and skip this movie
Words cannot describe how bad this movie is. I have no idea how this got made in the first place. I can only assume that the director had blackmail material on the actors.
Black Summer (2019)
Humans dumber than the zombies
At this point most zombie movies and shows have the same plot. Survive until you reach "safety". I went in with low expectations and I was still disappointed. It would take forever to list the inconsistencies and plot holes, so I'll just skip to the most infuriating. The main characters in this show are so incredibly stupid that it is impossible to root for them. First of all, nobody in the movie figured out that in order to kill the zombies, you have to shoot them in the head. Every time a zombie would charge, the humans would empty an entire clip of ammo into the body of the zombie and then get eaten. Second, nobody thought to find weapons until the end of the show?! As a side note, would it have killed the director to take 5 minutes to show the actors how to actually hold and shoot a gun? Also, why did they give a monologue to the one character that didn't speak English, without providing subtitles? Truly one of the dumbest zombie shows I've ever seen.