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Reviews
Reacher (2022)
Anti-hero (mild spoilers)
Our protagonist beats civilians up, shoots people in the back and gouges out eyeballs - all gleefully and with the viewer rooting for him. A refreshing TV series for someone unfamiliar with the books.
Hulk (2003)
The detractors are missing something (taste? a brain?)
I actually avoided the Hulk for a year and eventually watched it on DVD because the cinema queues were too long for Spiderman 2. I had avoided it simply because I heard it was rubbish. Having sat down and watched it with my kids we all thought it was fantastic. I consdered the possibility that maybe I liked it because I had low expectations, but know - it was great. My only real criticisms are that the Hulk appeared too intelligent in green form and that there was no spark at all between Eric Bana and Jennifer Connelly - were they meant to be lovers then? We had a collective ponder as to why it is this film had so much negative critique and quite frankly we're baffled.
Hackers (1995)
Funny if you know a bit about computers (minor spoilers)
I laughed out loud at the virtual reality headset (remember them?) - soooooo mid 90's.
I'm no hacker/cracker, although if I were I certainly would not be advertising it here now would I? However, I do consider myself a computer geek and found this film hysterical - mainly because I watched it 7 years after it was made.
I'm not going to bang on about the technical innacuracies as all of that has been (over?)extensively covered in these very pages. However, to all of the people complaining about how unlifelike this film is I would ask this - how many hackerettes have you seen that look like Angelina Jolie? Or how many hackers have you seen that are going out with Angelina Joley-alikes?
Angelina actually had her interest aroused by a hacker telling her "it's got a PCI bus, but then I'm sure you knew that". She replied with "yup, and I reckon RISC is the future".
Can you imagine that? Walk into a bar with your Sony Clie PDA and wave it around a bit in the direction of lady. Once you have her attention you can seduce her by telling her about the 320x320 pixel screen that can display 65,536 colours! And wait, what about the Memory Sticks - very phallic!!
Then there was the scene where the boys were absolutely drooling over a laptop computer that had a 28000bps modem (I'm writing this on a 512,000bps connection and that is considered slow). Or "wow, it's got an Active Matrix LCD!".
X2 (2003)
Underwhelming
Similarly to the first movie, the opening sequence it fantastic but it's all downhill from there. It's as if there were suits in the background shouting "no, they'll never get that - dumb it down some more!". Wolverine seems to have turned from a growling, intimidating nutter into a bit of a pansy - a babysitter with claws. But he still wasn't treated as harshly as Cyclops.
I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990)
Terrible yet strangely compulsive
The film is boring and yet it has to be watched simply because of the premise indicated by the daft title. But the toilet scene is quite fantasticly disgusting. If you have the time, watch it and forget it.
Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham... (2001)
Not recommended for diabetics
Good lord, that was so syrupy sweet that my blood sugar levels rose to dangerous levels. The first half of the film with mainly Shahrukh and Kajol was actually quite tolerable, but half-way through when the other two (the loud girl with the square jaw and that guy with the absolutely terrible dress sense) join in 'the action' it goes downhill rapidly.
Actually I thought Kajol was quite entertaining in a goofy kinda of way.
One final thought that perplexes me; Bluewater Shopping 'Mall'? Oh how very Bollywood!
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
It's DEAD Jim!
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!! Okay...must turn of the caps-lock and calm down....THAT WAS TERRIBLE!!! (Sorry, its only because I care).
I don't know what this was, but it was no Star Trek movie. All of the things that make Star Trek what it is (or should that be "was") have been sucked out of this movie. It is far worse than even Star Trek V, The Final Frontier. This movie sticks up a big middle finger to everything that Star Trek stood for, even more so than the dreadful Enterprise.
What we have here is a very cliched bad sci-fi B movie that makes Battlestar Galactica look classy (there were two 'countdown' sequences!).
I'm not going to go into geek mode and list all of the things wrong with this (if I can even remember ALL of them). Lore. Oh damn, I listed one of them.
I'm disappointed to see that the IMDb lists Gene Roddenberry as having a writing credit. Surely he must be turning in his grave.
The Transformers: The Movie (1986)
They're cars, but they turn into robots!!
My lord, what an absolutely brilliant idea. The main characters in this film actually look like various kinds of automobiles that were popular in the eighties, but wait - there is more to it! These seemingly ordinary vehicles can actually transform themselves into sentient robots, and powerful ones too. That's why they call themselves Transormers you see, because they trans-form.
Leaving aside the relevant merits of this film for just one moment, it occured to me that this is a brilliant idea for a child's toy. Assuming it were technically possible, imagine being able to purchase a toy for your young male child that could trans-form from a car to a heavily armed robot and back again. And for the girlies? We could have a pony/bear/mobile kitchen/hairbrush that trans-forms into a robot - with lasers. Two toys in one - brilliant! And a surefire money spinner for a forward thinking toy manufacturer.
Oh the film? Yes it was very good but I wouldn't recommend it for children. Too dark and tragic you see. But with some clever marketing, a toned-down TV series perhaps, I can easily see this trans-former thing turning into a cult.
Devdas (2002)
So what's wrong with Bollywood then?
Right from the opening credit sequence it is apparent that this is not your typical Bollywood movie. There are no iffy dance sequences with multiple costume changes. During those dance sequences the location does not change inexplicably - thus no bemused Swiss folk staring at the actors in bemusement in the background. Devdas' dance sequences are sexy without being sleazy. They are lavish but not gaudy.
The women do not ape western fashion (badly I may add) with pleated miniskirts and glittery tops. The men, thank God, do not wear tight PVC muscle tops and leather trousers (it may be all the rage in India for all I know, but its a big nono everywhere else). The fashion in Devdas, historically inaccurate as it probably is, is nevertheless stunning.
The obligatory fight sequence where our hero beats the crap out of a dozen armed 'bad-guys with moustaches' without breaking into a sweat is notably absent. No goofy comedy sidekick either.
All in all, its difficult for me to categorise this film as a 'Bollywood movie' at all - it's just too damn good.
It does have flaws, the main one being that you do not get a clear idea of how much time has elapsed between events in the movie. However, I look forward to Sanjay Leela Bhansali's next film.
The Wedding Singer (1998)
Billy Idol Billy Idol Billy Idol Billy Idol Billy Idol
"That looks just like Billy Idol! It is Billy Idol! Hey, its Billy Idol everybody! Hey, Billy Idol - is that you Billy Idol!"
A good albeit sentimental piece of fluff, let down bigtime by the rushed, schmaltzy, sugar coated ending. Only good for anybody who grew up in the 80s.
I have to go now, I have vomit in my hair and it smells.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
A voice of dissent
Its very good, but not THAT good! I haven't read the book and on the strength of the film nor am I compelled to do so. I also did not turn up at the cinema with pointy ears and a table-cloth cloak. Don't get me wrong, it was a quick 3 hours and I thououghly enjoyed it. However, there are holes I can pick out (although I'm unable to do so without spoilers). I think Pete Jackson has done a very good job although personally I preferred his earlier work (Bad Taste, Braindead). Finally I would say that it is not as enduring as Star Wars, although it does defecate on The Phantom Menace from way on high.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
A voice of dissent
Its very good, but not THAT good! I haven't read the book and on the strength of the film nor am I compelled to do so. I also did not turn up at the cinema with pointy ears and a table-cloth cloak. Don't get me wrong, it was a quick 3 hours and I thououghly enjoyed it. However, there are holes I can pick out (although I'm unable to do so without spoilers). I think Pete Jackson has done a very good job although personally I preferred his earlier work (Bad Taste, Braindead). Finally I would say that it is not as enduring as Star Wars, although it does defecate on The Phantom Menace from way on high.
Antitrust (2001)
Yes yes yes yes!
Facts: 1. Yes, I am a geek. 2. Yes, this film will appeal to other geeks - but only authentic ones that actually get excited about geeky things. Not ones that waste time in chat rooms. 3. Yes I did laugh out loud at the whole satellite IP address thing (and no subnet masking!!). 4. Yes I did groan out loud at the repetitive adverts for Pepsi. 5. Yes I did spot the blatant suggestion about Sun being 'the good guys'.
If you have the faintest idea of what I am talking about, go see the film. You will enjoy it. If not, then wait for the Matrix 2.
Being John Malkovich (1999)
Weird, slightly disturbing and just plain brilliant
I don't know if it was just me, but the 'feel' of this film reminded me a little of Edward Scissorhands - in that it was a modern fantasy that worked. The people who don't 'get' this film also fail to accept it as a fantasy - instead trying to shoehorn it into a comedy/psycological drama genre with some deep meaning.
Personally, I would loved to have been in the head of whomever had the audacity to pitch this concept to the suits at the studio; "Well, its about an unsuccessful puppeteer and his pet shop owner wife (Cameron Diaz, but really ugly) who find a secret doorway into the mind of John Malkovich - in an unusual office building...".