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A Haunting in Venice (2023)
Kenneth Branagh needs to stop trying to be Poirot
This is an insult to the literary genius of Agatha Christie. The roles, from Poirot to the very least cast member, could not have been more sorely miscast. Branagh is not (nor ever has been) Poirot. Fey belongs in comedy, not this. This was like watching a so-so community theater undertaking of a poorly adapted Christie work. Emphasis on "poorly adapted." Nothing really held together for me - World War II references, costuming, cinematography, editing, casting... none of it worked. It just didn't hold my interest enough to make sense. It was only after I looked it up on IMDb that I found out it was an adaptation of Halloween Party. Yeah, but no. You can't reinvent a classic by having it make less sense. This was, regrettably, a turd that couldn't be polished.
Les frères Sisters (2018)
Oh. My. God. Make it stop...
Just, no. I don't care what happens to anyone in this movie. I want them all to die. Or go away. Or go away and die - surprise me! What an uninteresting piece of drivel - no plot, no story, no whatever! WHY WAS THIS MOVIE MADE??!? I don't even want my two hours, one and a half hours, three days, or however long this agony lasted back... I'd like to donate them to a shelter for out-of-work screenwriters. This just... sucked!
Pine Gap (2018)
But those "American" accents...
Mildly intriguing and easy to watch, but the storylines tend to drag on a little too long. The most distracting part is the British/Australian actors trying to sound American. The accents are not done well at all. Not. At. All. Other than that, it's six episodes of entertainment shot in beautiful settings.
Slow West (2015)
Incredibly Slow West
Nope. Not looking for another Peter Jackson story that feels like a 5-year-old telling you about something that happened on the playground. And it takes FOREVER! I lasted 26 minutes into to this film and just wanted it to stop. Or have everyone blow up. Or get shot. Anything to end the torture. Take a hard pass on this one, folks.
The Lady Vanishes (1979)
Yikes!
Cybill Shepherd's performance in this movie is so bad, it overshadows the rest of the movie. I've seen more character depth in the chorus of a high school musical! Angela Lansbury was spot on in her performance, though. Too bad the pre-"Moonlighting" Cybill had to go and muck it up.
The settings were beautiful, and beautifully photographed, but they weren't enough to save this train wreck (pardon the pun). There just didn't seem to be enough tension between the characters who were "in" on the plot and those who were oblivious to it.
I'd watch the original (or a Finnish comedy with Polish subtitles) before I'd ever watch this again.
King Kong (2005)
Someone tell Peter Jackson his reign is over. Please!
You wasted my time. You insulted my intelligence. You have all the grace and charm of an annoying fifth-grader who takes FOREVER to tell a story that really wasn't all that interesting in the first place, but tries to pepper it up by adding details that weren't needed (dinosaurs, apple carts, bottles of chloroform) just to make you like him.
You're a brat, Peter. A temper-tantrum-throwing tyrant who has gotten his own way for too long because no one wants to be the bad guy and tell you that your movies SUCK. And so does your directing. This isn't "Lord of the Rings" with hair and big nostrils; it's a joke with no punch line, and evidently no ending. I lasted about two hours, but finally gave in.
In the words of one of my favorite movie critics, "IT STINKS."
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
Excellent Family Entertainment!
This is, simply put, a very entertaining movie (what I've always thought movies are supposed to be)! The story is intriguing, compelling, has its lighter moments and some darker ones, and is just a visual treat to watch. There exists no hidden agenda, only the allegory to the salvation story of Jesus Christ a perfect opportunity to share the story with younger viewers (and some not-so-young . . .).
I am not interested in discussing the production values, special effects, plot holes, goofs or other trivialities that generally crop up in movie reviews this is a joy to watch, and well worth the price of owning.
The best part of all is that this well-made piece of work was not rammed down my throat by the Hollywood elitists as an "end-all" movie that must be seen. It figures that the trash they promote wouldn't be nearly as enjoyable a experience as "The Chronicles of Narnia." As the Dylan song muses, "When will they ever learn?"
The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
Finally! A TV remake with as much substance as the original . . .
IMDb is doing its members a great disservice by stopping at 1 for the lowest possible score. A movie like this makes an excellent case for the use of negative numbers! As Lucy used to say when Snoopy kissed her, "BBBBLLLLEEEEAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHH!" If the script for this movie were a rap song, Three Six Mafia would have received an award for it.
Words haven't even been developed yet for film excrement of this kind. I'd rather spend days having my back alternately sanded and sprayed with vinegar than sit through this garbage.
(Come to think of it, though, it did seem to have much more substance than "Sideways." Although so does lettuce.) Don't rent it if you haven't seen it; if you have, get help to erase it from your memory.
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)
An SNL sketch gone horribly wrong!
One problem that has consistently plagued SNL sketches is that they don't seem to know how to end . . . this movie should never have even started! (Likening it to an SNL sketch, by the way, is a GIFT!) Ten minutes into the movie, I was desperately wishing that a shark had eaten every last character to put us out of our misery. (Although the chance to slap each one of them before a shark ate them would have done a world of good for making me feel like the experience wasn't a complete waste of my time . . .) Unfortunately, movies like this fuel the fire of unimaginatively remaking every last TV show or movie from the past thirty years who wants to take a chance on an original thought when this is the best we can come up with? I know there are plenty of people who genuinely loved this movie, thought it was genius, loved the director's "body of work," blah, blah, blah . . . I'm tired of feeling like we're back in elementary school, when people plotted to make a targeted classmate feel stupid by all agreeing ahead of time to laugh at a nonsensical punch line, like "then the kangaroo says to the duck, 'no soap, radio!'" so everyone else can laugh hysterically and the target is supposed to feel stupid. This is the real world, folks. Money changes hands, people invest their valuable time, and future artists and writers take their lead from the generations gone before them. Stop wasting our time and creative future by making pointless movies like this! Grade: F- (because the only thing worse than failing is not caring that you've failed)
Sideways (2004)
Another Naked Emperor!
When will we be free of the lemming-minded Hollywood elitists who keep fawning over mediocrity? This movie should never have been made, much less touted as Oscar-worthy material. The characters are one-dimensional, the dialog stilted, and the plot of the movie is like trying to find a small needle in an overly inflated haystack I'm reasonably sure there's a point in there somewhere, but I have neither the time nor the inclination to find it.
Where is the voice of reason that prevents projects like this from moving forward? Someone needs to have the courage and the clarity to speak up and tell the smoke-and-mirrors people, "Hey! The Emperor isn't wearing any clothes!" Who will speak up for the millions of Americans who want better entertainment than this?
Barry Lyndon (1975)
I can now put my eyes out . . .
. . . because the pain would be welcome relief from this boring tripe! Nearly thirty years later, I STILL want my money back.
And a gun to shoot that damn tympani player!
And popcorn to take to a movie worth watching!
And a camera to capture on film all of the naked emperors that are being
bandied about as "cinematic triumphs" and "well-crafted cinematography." What a bunch of Nancies!
This film stinks, pure and simple. Remove it from the top 250 and place it
BELOW the bottom 100 where it belongs! (At least "Plan 9 from Outer Space"
had the decency to not be pretentious . . .)
Gangs of New York (2002)
I'm looking for a sharp object to hurl myself on!
Two words - "Barry Lyndon." Lord, this was awful! The music had no context, the historical fiction was truly horrid, and the acting stank. I want my money back! No, wait! Keep it, and start a fund for preventing movies this wretched from ever being made again.
Moulin Rouge! (2001)
Ewan, quit yelling! The Emperor is naked...
Does no one in Hollywood have the "goods" to say to a room full of idiots, "NO! THAT IDEA IS STUPID!"? Whose mess WAS this picture? The stars definitely do NOT shine, the singing is AWFUL the acting (and it's a stretch to even call it that) is ABSURD, and the total effect is like watching a middle-aged couple make out at an outdoor symphony concert: It's perfectly normal enough, BUT WHO NEEDS TO SEE THAT? Ewan, Nicole, and everyone else in this movie - FIRE YOUR AGENTS AND VOW TO NEVER AGAIN WORK WITH ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THIS MOVIE!
Greater Tuna (1994)
I've been looking for Tuna all my life!
If you love small-town America, you'll LOVE Tuna, Texas! It's every small town in this great country of ours rolled into one (er... make that TWO!), only with a more charming accent. And the people who live in this all-too-small, all-too-nosey community are just a HOOT! Sit down, have a cup of coffee, and top it off with a slice of Tuna pie!
Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)
The best Disney "boy" movie yet!
If you have sons or daughters who love action, adventure, intrigue, and imagination - without the need to break into song every twelve minutes - then this is the Disney movie for you! My sons loved every minute of this film, and I have to admit that I laughed out loud many times throughout the movie. There are no sappy songs to get in the way of a wonderfully told story, and the characters are all lovable and identifiable in their own right. This should go down as one of the Disney "classics" because of its beautifully illustrated scenery and its non-stop excitement!