- Pete Holmes: I mostly do faces and sounds. That kind of what it is - that's what I do. Yeah. Comedy doesn't have to be hard.
- Pete Holmes: You are right to groan. That is a terrible joke, but it's the only joke tonight that you'll remember.
- Pete Holmes: If you're not laughing, you're not picturing a fully-grown naked man, but instead of an erection he has a yellow stick of butter.
- Pete Holmes: So weird to have this flesh spear jutting out from your body, that's you, but it's also not you. Like it has it's own suggestions like: "Let's go to the beach and leer!"
- Pete Holmes: I'm so tired of men being painted as these thoughtless grunts that are like: "Sex is available!" - - followed by grunting, screaming, and humping into the air.
- Pete Holmes: Not all men like strip clubs. I have glitter on my face. Guys were like: "I know where you were." "Yeah? I was making crafts."
- Pete Holmes: Ever clicked on something weird and take in a moment to be grateful that you're not aroused?
- Pete Holmes: They hired a dancer, she came on stage already naked. No narrative. No narrative. No story. No build. She's already naked. First move, she spun around, bent over in my face. That was her opening.